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No. I can't do this. I cannot be kissing Ky right now. If Carter is watching this, he is probably devastated. Actually, I know he is devastated because I would be devastated if this was him. But I don't want to stop kissing Ky. That's the problem.
I love Ky. I've figured that out just by this kiss. But I am not in love with him. I am in love with Carter. That I know for sure because I felt the spark when we kissed before I had to leave. There is no spark right here right now with Ky. Nothing.
He gently pulls away, and I flutter my eyes open. Tears are stinging them, and I know some are going to come out, so I jump up from sitting, walk a few feet away and crouch down on my knees in the sand, head in hands and I just cry. I let everything out. I don't care if I lose sponsors, I don't care who is watching. I need to let it out.
I don't know how long I'm knelt down there, curled into myself just sobbing. I'm at the point where I have no more tears left to come out and I just fall and curl into a ball in the sand when Ky comes over. "Gemma, I'm sorry."
'How could you kiss him Gemma? I love you!' A voice says to me in my head. It sounds just like Carter. I completely ignore Ky and start to talk to imaginary Carter.
"Carter?" I say out loud.
"No, Gemma. I'm Ky." I'm talking to the voice in my head Ky, not you. And stop talking to me like a 5 year old, I'm not stupid.
"Carter I'm sorry" I whisper to the voice, hoping to get it to come back.
'I know you are. But it still hurts, Gem.' I sneak a glance at Ky and he's staring at me like I'm a nut case. Maybe I am a nutcase. Maybe I just cracked.
"I know, Carter, and I'm sorry. But I love Ky, too. I'm in love with you, but I love him too." I say still trying to talk to the voice. Ky comes over and kneels by me, brushing the hair out of my face.
"Gemma, what's happening? Who are you talking to?"
I now know that I actually must have cracked, because when he asks me who I'm talking to, I burst into laughter. I can't control it. I'm just laughing and laughing, rolling around in the sand. "Carter come back to me. Talk to me." I say with a giggle.
"No, Gemma. Look at me. I'm Ky." He takes my face in his hands and forces me to look at him. I feel my eyes glaze over. "What's wrong with you?" He whispers.
'Answer him.' Carter commands from my head. So I do.
"Don't you get it Ky?" I say before laughing again. Once I finally calm down again I screech, "I've cracked. Gone crazy. I can't handle this anymore, it's too much!"
"What's too much?"
"Everything!" Annabelle and Juniper are woken up from my laughing and screaming and have rushed to my side. "It's getting to me Ky, the arena! There's nothing I can do. Nothing I can do until I go home or die!" I scream again.
"What happen to her?" Annabelle asks Ky.
"Well, we were being very serious and talking, then we kissed, then she started crying. I came over to see what was wrong, then she started talking to a voice in her head-"
I cut him off. "It's Carter! It's not a voice! It's Carter! My Carter!"
He sighs, "Well, okay then. She started talking to Carter, and then she had a hysterical laughing fit, then she told me she is gone crazy."
Hearing it all told out makes me sound even crazier, so I burst into laughs again. Juniper picks me up by my arm, "Come on Gemma. I want you to talk to me."
I try to get out of her grasp but it's useless. 'It's fine Gem, go ahead with her.' Invisible Carter tells me.
She drags me into the tent, and I curl up into a ball, rocking back and forth.
"Gemma? Hey. I want you to talk to me, tell me what happen."
"Umh… He kissed me." I mumble out.
"Ky kissed you, I know. Did that make you upset?" She looks concerned; I know I can trust her.
I stare straight into her eyes, completely serious. "I don't know Juniper. I'm in love with Carter but I love Ky too. I don't understand and this is all too much for me. I need to go home and be with my baby." I continue rocking. Esmeralda must hate me right now.
She puts on a very soothing tone like she's trying to talk a child out of having a tantrum, "I'm sorry Gemma but that can't happen just yet. We have to finish the games first."
I push my head into my knees, still rocking. "I'm crazy, aren't I?" I whisper.
"Nah. Not crazy, just confused." She replies. I know she's lying to make me feel better, but I'm sick of everyone lying to me.
"Please Juniper! Don't lie!" I scream into my knees.
She sighs, "I'm not lying to you. You have just cracked temporarily under all of the pressure. You had to kill three people, and watch a dozen die all the while people are waiting for you back home. Something's bound to happen to all of us yet."
She makes sense to me now. I have this mental breakdown because it's all too much. I felt so bad and guilty about those people I killed, and then about kissing Ky that I started hearing things.
"I need a break from this reality. Would you guys mind if I sleep?"
She smiles. She looks so much older than 12, "Go right ahead. Sweet Dreams, Gemma."
I awake to the sound of Canons. Bang! Bang! Wait, two? I rush out of the tent.
"Who died?" I ask the three people sitting on the shore line.
"Tricia & another tribute." Ky responds, monotone.
"What? How do you know?"
"Well, I know it was Tricia because I just watched her gorgeous body get ripped apart by a shark. And we don't know the other one." He sounds so frustrated. I feel bad.
"Um… Ky? Can we uh… Talk?" I ask him.
"Sure, Gem." He gets up and we walk along the shore line, very far away from the others.
"Look. I'm really sorry. I don't know what happen to me last night. I cracked."
He smiles, "Don't worry about it. I shouldn't have kissed you. I knew about Carter, and it was a stupid thing to do. I'm sorry."
I act on impulse and hug him. "I love you Ky. As a friend."
He laughs and hugs me back, "Love you too."
Our special moment is cut short by a scream. A scream that sounds like a 12 year old girls scream. Juniper. I look up at Ky, and he has a face of pure horror. Oh no.
At the same time we race back to the other girls, only to be shocked by what we see. Carla, the last career, is standing over a now dead Annabelle, she has a knife through her heart, and her shoulder wound has opened again. Blood is everywhere.
Carla is laughing sadistically, staring at Juniper. Juniper looks frozen in place, pure white and shaking. Me and Ky react at the same time, by running towards her. I grab her out of the way before Carla's spear can make contact with her, and Ky stabs Carla with a knife.
Ky backs up towards both of us, and Carla doesn't move from Annabelle. She suddenly smiles and starts coughing – coughing up blood. She falls face first onto Annabelle and two canons go off. They're both dead.
I then realize that we have made it to the final 8 before both of them were killed, so they would have to interview our friends and families. They would definitely interview Carter. I don't know who else. I hope not my mother.
Ky grabs my shoulders and shakes hard, "Gemma. You cannot have another breakdown, I need you right now."
I stare at the two dead bodies, feeling my eye twitch and nod silently. I can tell he's holding back tears, he liked Annabelle. "Juniper, pack up the tent. We're leaving. We need to find food." His voice breaks halfway through and he storms off.
I fall to my knees and gently crawl up next to the two bodies. I know all eyes of Panem are on me right now. I push Carla off of her and stare at her dirty body being soaked in blood.
Tears fall as I try my hardest not to have another break down. I need to be strong. I need to win this.
I lean down and kiss her forehead, whispering to her. "Rest Easy, Annabelle. I'll miss you." I pull away from her face and stare down at her necklace, it was her token. I gently remove it from her body, shove it into my pocket and look to the sky. "Fuck you President Snow! Why do you want to watch all these children die? What did this poor girl ever do to you?" I scream at the top of my lungs, and motion to Annabelle's lifeless body, "And now she's dead! She's fucking dead and she's never coming back, and it's all your fucking fault!"
Yes. I can official say it: I have cracked.
Awe, poor Annabelle :( Down to the final 6! I'll update 2 times tomorrow, as a late-valentines day gift to you all! :) Review, and check out my poll :)
And now a bread pun in honor of Peeta Mellark: I loaf you all hehe