"What the hell are you doing?!" I ask Holly as I find her in the kitchen on the phone with Paul.
"Helping you." she whispers to me and I huff.
"You'll make it worse, Holly." I protest and she tells him that we need to talk and I protest with saying 'no, we don't'. I can't believe she's doing this, but I'd never have the bravery to.
"I don't know, I think she wants you back." she says and I can't believe her.
I storm out of the kitchen as I grab my coat and shoes and leave the apartment and drive off in my car. My grandparents had a really nice cabin on a lake before they decided to give it to my parents and that's where I'm going, because my parents hardly ever use it and it's ridiculously nice and secluded.
Paul's POV
Holly says she doesn't know whether everything is alright and she tells me she thinks Jackie wants me back. Can't Jackie just make up her mind? I hear more rustling on the other side and a huff.
"Can I erm talk to her?" I ask as i go out on a whim.
"Uh no, she just left." she says seeming to be confused.
"Holly, is she okay?" I ask a bit worried. I have and always will want the best for her and for her to be happy. I still care about her, but I just decided we shouldn't be together anymore.
"She's been good for awhile and today I found her not doing so well. She thinks you hate her." she says and I sigh and place my chin in my palm.
"Now why would she think that?" I ask.
"Because she thinks she screwed everything up and that you two breaking up was entirely her fault." she says and I scratch my unshaven cheek.
"Where is she?" I ask and she says she's not sure and I tell her to have her call me and I hang up and hang out with Martha and Lil for the next hour as I mindlessly read the paper and think about Jackie.
It wasn't her fault entirely, but she was the one who was having the commitment issues. She wants me back apparently, but I don't know if I want to go through all that hurt again with her and first of all I need to hear from her and what she has to say. From what Holly tells me and how I know Jackie and her stubbornness, I know she'll deny a lot and won't say much. She's like me in this one way: we both have learned to put a shell around us from getting hurt and sometimes it's hard and incredibly scary to let your guard down for somebody, especially if they've hurt you before. But I can't deny my occasional thoughts over the year of how I miss her and where we'd be now if we were still together, if I hadn't given up basically. We could've posibbly been married already and maybe had a baby. Why now? Why does she want me back now, after I've gotten over her and moved on? I didn't fully move on, because I still think about her and miss her sometimes but I've never known what to do about it and I never thought to try and get her back. Maybe it was because I was fed up with getting her back and her leaving again, I couldn't go through it again. But what if I made the wrong decision? I get up and go to the studio for the day to clear my mind of things and maybe figure out what I should do. I never stopped caring about her, I definitely don't hate her and I don't think I ever stopped loving her.
I don't hear from Holly for a couple of days and she finally calls me a few days later.
"Well have you heard from her?" I ask her as I have the telly on low.
"Yeah, she's up at her parents cabin." she says and I nod to myself as I faintly remember her telling me about that place.
"Is there a phone there? So I can call her." I say slowly and she tells me yes and gives me the number and we hang up.
I slowly dial in the number to the cabin. What am I going to say? Ask her 'What's this I hear about you wanting me back?', I think but no I don't want to sound like I'm mad at her because I'm not anymore.
"Hello?" I hear her soft voice say. I've missed that voice.
"Hi, it's Paul." I say uneasily as I tap a pencil against my thigh.
"Why're you calling?" she asks boldly and all of a sudden her guard went up, I can easily tell by the change in her tone of voice.
"Holly said you've been-." I start but she cuts in.
"Yeah, I know what she said, just forget what she said. I can't believe she called you." she says and let's out a frustrated sigh at the end.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"Yeah yeah, I'm fine." she says letting her stubbornness come out.
"Jackie, you can tell me you know." I say.
"I'm fine, really I am." she says and she's not fooling me.
"I don't hate you, love and I dunno why you'd think I do because I don't and I never will. It was both of ours faults, us breaking up, not just you but me too." I say strongly in hopes it'll make her feel better.
"And I care about you, Jackie and I want you to be happy and to have a fantastic life!" I say honestly. That's what I've always wanted for her, I don't know why she'd think otherwise. She stays silent on the other line and I sigh.
"I know." she says sadly with a sigh and I shake my head, she's lying.
"Then why do you think that I hate you and that our breakup was all of your fault?!" I ask.
"Why do you even care?" she asks and I rub my forehead.
"Because I don't want you to think that I hate you or for you to blame yourself about us breaking up, because it's not true! I don't want you to deceive yourself, by thinking those things!" I exclaim.
"Why're you torturing yourself like this, Jackie?" I ask almost desperately.
"Because I screwed up so badly with you and I was such a bitch to you and I feel sorry for all of it and I wish we had never broken up, okay?" she states and finally she explains herself and says more then a sentence to me.
"I feel bad too, okay? We both screwed up, Jackie! But there's nothing we can do about it, because we're not together, it's all in the past." I say. Why can't she just be happy and not let this plague her?
"Okay, bye." she says quietly and I sigh and run my fingers through my hair.
"What? No, don't hang up just yet!" I say.
"Why shouldn't I?" she asks and I don't have an answer. Maybe I just want to hear more of her voice and I'm not convinced she's alright.
"How've you been this past year?" I ask randomly because I want to keep her on the line.
"Why does it matter?" she asks sternly.
"Because I want to know that you're happy and okay." I state.
"Well I'm not." she reveals.
"Why not?" I ask curiously.
"Just cause." she says being stubborn.
"Because I miss you, okay?" she says with a sigh and I nod to myself. Now we're getting somewhere.
"I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you." I admit and she says nothing in return.
"Found anybody?" I ask curiously and one side of me wants her to say yes and the other really wishes that she'll say no.
"No, have you?" she asks.
"No, just random dates." I say and she doesn't say anything. I know how easily jealous she can get.
"How have you been?" she asks.
"Fine, I guess." I say and she doesn't say anything in response.
"Holly said you want me back." I say uneasily as I rest my chin in my palm.
"Why would you care if I did happen to say that? It's not like you'll want me back." she says sadly and self consciously.
"You don't know that." I admit in a soft tone.
"What does that mean?" she asks and I try to think about it myself. What do I want? Is it her that I want? I haven't been close to finding a bird who I've went on a date with or slept with, that I had a connection with like I did with Jackie. Not somebody who I could talk so easily to or laugh so hard with or somebody who could put such a big smile on my face. I know what we had was special but is it right to go back at it again? Has she changed?