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Chapter 12

Ashley

It had been a week since the rape and amazingly I was doing ok. I had nightmares, still a little mentally fucked up but I was ok. Spencer was being really great, amazingly great. She was constantly worrying about everything, from how I was feeling to how my eye was doing. I could see out of now but it was still pretty bruised. We were actually getting somewhere as friends, I mean we were still at each other's throats every now and then but it was getting easier. There still was a hell of a lot of tension between us. I mean with history like ours, with all the nights we've spent together, it's not easy to get past it. Also with what I did to her...I could tell she was being cautious. Protecting herself. Which is understandable but really not necessary; I never plan to hurt her ever again.

When Carmen whacked Ethan over the side of the head we simply called the ambulance and left. We didn't wait around and we didn't explain the situation. Spencer wanted to handle this her way, which would probably include some form of violence in the end. I just wanted him dead. I didn't want Ethan Bradshaw to exist.

I sat in the bedroom that Spencer and I were sharing and awkwardly wrapped the gift for Theresa. It was about four in the morning and I figured by the time I understood how exactly to wrap a teddy-bear it'd be pretty much be noon.

"Ashley?" Spencer asked sitting up in the bed and rubbing her eyes "What the hell are you doing up this early?" she grumbled and I just smiled and shook my head

"Wrapping Terry's present." She shot out of bed nearly screaming

"Oh shit! It's her birthday! Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!" and dove into her duffle bag and pulling out a small T-shirt with big white letters on it reading "That's What She Said", baby converse and a tiny plush puppy.

"Somehow..." I began and watched her sit next to me "I knew that you'd get her something very tom-boyish." She looked at me, suddenly very self conscious

"What? You think I should have gotten her something else? I couldn't exactly afford a mini convertible but—" I put my hand on her knee and couldn't help but giggle from her constant, nervous rambling.

"It's fine Spencer, I was just kidding around" She smiled at me sheepishly and tried to fold the small shirt with no luck at all.

"How the hell do they expect you to fold something this freaking small?" She growled and I rolled my eyes, taking the small article of clothing from her and folding it. Spencer just looked at me and flopped back on the ground.

"I give up! You wrap them. I am like the super fail" I rolled my eyes at her exaggeration

"No you're not the 'Super Fail'. Now sit up and wrap your own damn presents" I teased and she obeyed. I cut out the size of wrapping paper she'd need and she just stared at it blankly. I sighed "Do you need help?"

"Yes please"

After giving Terry her presents, which she loved though Clay and Chelsea weren't too pleased about the T-shirt, Spencer promised me she'd take me out to get something to eat. We got into the car and started driving and I couldn't help but worry about myself.

It wasn't your typical shallow Ashley worrying about herself; it was more like I was late. I mean with the whole time of the month thing. I was almost four days late by now. This could just be like I don't know...it could mean nothing. Or it could mean a whole hell of a lot. I hadn't told Spencer but it was inevitable that I'd have to, so what better time than now right? Hopefully she doesn't take out an entire lane of traffic but I really didn't see a better time.

"Uh Spencer..." I started and she looked over at me, rasping her thumb on the steering wheel with the rhythm of the music "Um...I uh...I'm late" She looked at me like I was crazy

"What? What are you late fo—oh." She pulled over and parked the car. "Are you sure?" She asked me, and I shrugged trying to seem indifferent. I was completely freaked out. "It's ok Ashley, We'll just um...we'll just get a pregnancy test for you" and I heard her say under her breath "And a paper bag for me"

We sat at the bakery beside the super market, drinking coffee and eating donuts. I wanted Spencer back in my life. Not just as a friend but as more than that. And right now, I really wanted to know she'd forgive me, even though the chance of that ever happening was slim to none. I reached across the table and took her hand gently in mine, her face darkened. She knew what was coming.

"Spencer..." I began, gently stroking my thumb over her smooth skin "Spence, I really want to talk to you about something. About me and Ethan. About what happened." She wanted to pull her hand back it was easy to tell but she also wanted to hear what explanation I had. "I was scared ok? I was confused and I-I didn't know what I wanted" she pulled her hand away, not liking what she was hearing

"That's when you come and you talk to me like a responsible adult!" She wasn't yelling, she didn't want to cause a scene. Not yet at least. "I would have understood Ashley" she said a little calmer than before. "If you had just talked to me, just told me you needed a little time..." she put on her sunglasses, covering the emotion.

"I know, Spence ok? I know. But you know me, you-you know how screwed up I am and how I don't usually go about things the right way." I couldn't tell what she was feeling right now. "When I told Ethan that I loved him, when you walked in on us..." she looked away, she didn't want to relive that moment

"Can we not talk about that Ash?"

"We have to Spencer. We have to because if we don't...we'll never get past it and you will never understand that I don't actually love him. That I never loved him and that I never will."

"Then why did you say it?" She demanded fiercely

"Because I was tired of being 'Ashley lesbian Davies'. No one stared if I kissed a boy in the park. No one stared if I rested my head on his shoulder." She folded her arms over her chest

"I do understand that part Ashley." She murmured looking at me with a calculating expression, I looked at her with surprise. What?

"Really? But I thought.."

"You thought that just because I knew I was gay when I was little that I wouldn't be super self conscious of everyone who stared at me? I even tried to be with guys, I tried to hug them and kiss them because I was scared like you were - are."

"Were" I corrected her and she nodded with acknowledgement

"But in the end I understood what I wanted. I didn't care that people would stare if I kissed a girl in the park. Because no one else matters Ash. I wasn't about pretend to be boy crazed just so everyone else could live comfortably. Just so everyone could pretend like I was one of them."

"I know, I know Spencer ok? I see that now. Just please, please give me another chance." I was begging and pleading to her now. I wanted her back so badly and it'd be a miracle if she accepted my apology and forgave me. But she wouldn't. "I will never hurt you again Spencer, I will never trash your feelings the way I did. I will never destroy you the way I did. Because if I ever have to see that look of total heartbreak on your face again, I don't think I could continue living...because I love you too much to ever be the cause of your pain, ever again." I saw her lip quiver ever so slightly and she took off her glasses, setting them down on the table. She looked at me with an emotion in her eyes that I couldn't even begin to describe. All I know is it gave me a sense of hope.

"I will never be able to forgive you for what you did to me." Her voice was cold and I nodded

"I know. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it. If you'll let me." She shook her head slightly and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I can't take you back right now." She said, leaned against the table, her arms supporting her "I can't go back to that place we were at when this whole thing started. Not yet. But let's start as friends, let's take it slow and maybe some day...who knows? Maybe we'll be back to where we were." I was thankful she'd let me get this far and she was at least willing to try again.

We bought a box of pregnancy tests and headed over to my place. Spencer waited patiently in the TV room.

Spencer

Ashley disappeared inside the bathroom and I waited patiently, watching some cartoon. I didn't know what it was, I didn't see it. My mind was too ravelled in the thought of what it would mean if Ashley was pregnant. What it would mean if Ethan Bradshaw's child was living inside her body. The thought made me feel a little sick. What if he were to find out about it? What was his plan if that possessive asshole knew his spawn was inside of Ashley? What was I going to do if Ashley really was pregnant? I mean I would be there for her during the abortion. I would support her with whatever she chose to do. But she wouldn't keep the baby right? I mean the baby would be a constant reminder of when Ethan raped her.

Ashley walked out of the bathroom, holding the little stick thing in her hand and placed it on the table.

"It's still uh...it's still marinating" she said, trying to make a joke. I could tell how flustered and worried she was. "but its just a hunch right? I mean, just because I'm late doesn't mean I'm pregnant." I sat down as she paced, wondering who she was trying to convince; me or her. "I can't be pregnant, I'm in high school! I'm not ready to be a mother! I mean I can't be pregnant" I stood up and caught the girl in mid step, gently pushing a lock of hair from her face.

"Ash it's going to be ok. No matter what happens. Alright?" She looked at me for a second before shaking her head slightly

"I'm not pregnant." And she broke out of my grasp and continued pacing. I glanced over at the pregnancy test and sighed.

"I think that little pink plus begs to differ" I muttered and she froze looking at it before picking it up

"oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, NO!" and she started freaking out drastically, pacing around the room at a jogging speed.

Well fuck.

There you go. Thanks for all the reviews they are greatly appreciated. Now if you'll excuse me I'll just go back to freaking out about school after missing the entire week before finals.

NEXT TIME ON LIFE AFTER DEATH:

Ashley has to make a decision and Spencer doesn't know what to think.