Title: Pet Party

Author: Enaty

Rating: M

Warning: I strongly advise everyone who doesn't like too explicit descriptions/talk not to read this. I truly mean this. I don't want to hear complaints afterwards, and honestly, I don't want to offend anyone. Roman Catholics, people who were raised not to talk about sex, and fundamental Christians/Muslims should stay away from this piece and read something else.

Disclaimer: The PSoH-characters.

Claimer: The whole dialogue is mine. Not that I'm proud of it, mind you. But it's still mine.

Author's Notes: below story.

Pet Party

The monthly party at Ten-chan's room was infamous, both for being an exclusive event and for the conversations rumoured to taking place there. The Count had not visited once, although the fox never forgot to invite him; he probably knew why he always declined politely and even tried not to be in the shop when it took place. However, they knew that he'd be in the shop this evening, since Leon was working and the Count didn't like to spend evenings with other people than the detective anymore.

So of course, after having had some drinks, the conversation turned towards their master and his new boyfriend.

"You think they've already done it?" Tetsu asked the other participants of the party, none of them younger than at least 25 years. (They'd invited some of the younger male pets once, but the Count's fury afterwards had taught them to better leave them alone, despite Ten-chan's protest that they'd find out on their own anyway, and that some warning could never hurt.)

Mamoru-kun yawned and put his glass back on the small table. "Well, the human isn't too patient, so my guess'd be yes," he said.

Ten-chan smiled as he poured him another round. "Yes, but the Count's quite able to defend himself against undue advances," he said and added, grinning broadly, "Question's more, if he's really willing to defend himself against Leon's advances."

Kaino-kun the tiger grinned and waved his hand dismissively. "Willing to defend himself against the stupid's advances? And what else do you dream about? I don't even know why he didn't jump him every time he entered, he was so hot for him an idiot could've noticed."

They all snorted with laughter when they recalled the Count's flirtations and Leon's irritated reaction. Ten-chan poured another round.

"But he could've gotten himself a far worse lover," he said and shuddered for a moment when he took a gulp of his drink. "Dammit, Tetsu, what's in this stuff? It burns like hell!"

"And it's guaranteed to make you very drunk," the totetsu replied and wrinkled his brow. "I still don't think he's all that good-looking. Granted, he could look worse, but just look at the way he dresses... I truly hope the Count's gonna give him some lessons 'bout clothes if he's to stay in the shop."

"You know, I wonder if beneath his clothes he looks better..." Kaino-kun's voice trailed off as he turned the glass in his hands. He stared at the wall with a mean grin. "I'd like to find out. Just have a glimpse. I've never seen a naked human. Clothed humans, yes, lots of them, but never a naked one. And those I've seen naked weren't all that good for anatomical lessons anymore."

"They aren't all that great to look at," Ten-chan replied. "Fat and strange proportions, and everything. Not really amusing. Although Leon should look better than most, granted."

"Hey Ten-chan, you ever seen a human male's cock?" Mamoru-kun spoke up and flicked his tail eagerly.

The fox regarded him with an amused look. "What, Mamoru-kun, you've never seen one? You, a dog? Surely your master showed you his."

The collie snorted and took another sip, shuddering too. "Nope, he was all prude. I'm really glad the Count bought me after he was dead. The shop's much more fun."

"Well..." Ten-chan's ears played with renewed interest. "Human anatomy truly is something we seldom talk about here..."

"Yeah, and it's time we get to know something about it!" Kaino-kun claimed. "After all, now we've one living in here. I've gotta know how to tease him."

"Not that difficult, just make sure you kick between his legs," Tetsu dryly replied. "That usually does the trick. No, really, it's not interesting at all. They're smaller than ours, look strange and don't have half the stamina we have."

"But don't they have something metallic down there?" Mamoru had taken a real interest in the matter. His ears played excitedly, too. "I remember that someone once told my master his son was going to get a genital piercing. And he was all angry 'bout that!"

Tetsu and Ten-chan nearly choked on their drinks as they laughed. The totetsu slapped his thigh. "That I wanna see!" he cried. "That stupid human with a ring through his cock! The Count could put a leash through it and lead him back to the shop whenever he glances at some chick!"

That made everyone in the room gasp for air at the image. Kaino-kun actually threw over his glass and they all calmed a little bit then. While Ten-chan mopped up the mess, Mamoru continued to fantasise. "No, truly, d'you think he's got something like that? Isn't that en vogue with humans, piercing metal through their genitals?"

Tetsu grinned and showed off his teeth. "Yeah, some humans think it's cool. I don't particularly see the point; it's gotta hurt real bad, and it's dangerous. Sometimes they rip it out by chance, and I've even heard that some men lost theirs in the women they were fucking."

That caused another chortle. Ten-chan threw the mop away and laughed heartily. "Can you imagine the Count's face should that happen?" he cried out and slipped to the floor, unable to stand any longer.

"He'd so kill Leon!" Kaino-kun crowed.

It took them all a while until they were able to breathe again. Then Tetsu took a sip and shook his head. "No, guys, honestly, Leon's not the type for something like that. I bet he doesn't even have a tattoo."

"Are you sure?" Ten-chan argued. "I could imagine he's got something like that. Like 'Superman', right above his cock."

Mamoru-kun looked confused while the other three laughed. "And what about the Count?" he said into the silence that followed their laughter.

The pets looked at each other. "Noo..." Tetsu said slowly. "If Leon's not the type, the Count's three times not the type. Let's face it, any tattoo would heal off his skin in a day, so why spend money on it?"

"Yeah, that's true," Kaino-kun agreed and chuckled. "But, theoretically speaking, if he wanted to look better for Leon – what'd he do?"

"Well, usually he uses make-up to look better," Mamoru-kun said and coughed very hard. "Although I don't think that'd be advisable in those specific places..."

"Oh, and why not?" Ten-chan protested, his eyes blazing mischievously. "Some lipstick and powder have done many a man a great service to this day!"

"You want him to tie a ribbon around it, too?" Tetsu asked sarcastically and caused Kaino-kun to choke on his drink. Grinning, he patted his back until the tiger was able to breathe again.

"Well, he could get a tattoo for each evening," he suggested. "Something like 'I love you' if he's feeling romantic, or simply 'Fuck me!' if he's feeling hot."

"Yeah, or something like 'Humanity can suck my dick – you too!'", Ten-chan chimed in and they all went down with laughter, unaware that the door had opened just a crack.

"BE QUIET AT ONCE!" a voice thundered into their merry laughter. They all scrambled to their feet in shock and turned to face a very, very angry Count D, his face beet-red and torn by embarrassment and rage. "You insolent brutes! I forbid you to ever speak about me in this way again, or I swear, I will banish you from the shop!"

He slammed the door hard behind himself again, leaving them stunned and confused. Finally Ten-chan picked himself up enough to say something.

"So now, that proves the point. He wouldn't be that sensitive if Leon had already fucked him," he concluded, grinning again already. The other three looked at him.

Then Tetsu raised his glass. "To Leon! May he succeed soon in his quest so that the Count will be relaxed!" he pronounced and the others chimed in.

Leon had noticed that D seemed a bit off the moment he stepped inside, and it was truly pissing him off. The kami wouldn't kiss him, wouldn't let himself be embraced, accepted even the sweets only reluctantly. The human started to get desperate. What was the matter with his new boyfriend? Things had been going quite well the last few days, well enough that Leon had dared to hope he'd soon be able to convince D to sleep with him. But now this event seemed even more impossible than when D had still been rejecting him.

"Okay, stop it, D!" he snapped and put his cup down with some force. "You know that I had to work yesterday, and that I wasn't away from the shop because I wanted to be away. And I wasn't going after some woman either, you can ask Jill if you want, I sat at my desk the whole night!"

D looked up, surprise and a blush on his face. "No, that – I would never dream of suspecting that!" he cried out, then quickly dropped his gaze again and blushed even more.

Leon sighed and changed his place to sit beside D on the sofa. Putting an arm around his shoulders, he pulled the young Chinese close to him. "What's it then? Are you afraid? You know I'm not gonna do anything you don't want to do, ever," he said earnestly and felt D relax a fraction. "So just tell me, okay? I can't read minds, and something's wrong with you. Are you afraid of doing something wrong?"

D shook his head. Leon started to pet his hair. "It's okay to be nervous, D. It's your first time, after all. But you don't have to be afraid of telling me anything. I swear I'm not gonna laugh at you."

Now the kami tilted his head up and looked at his face timidly. "Truly?" he asked, with a tiny voice.

Leon smiled. "Truly," he said.

D hesitated, then he brought his lips close to Leon's ear. "Do you – you don't happen to have a – a tattoo or – or anything?" he whispered, sounding really scared now.

The blonde detective had to bite his lip in order to avoid laughing. His mind raced as he thought just how D had gotten that idea. Of course he wasn't talking about a simple tattoo, that much was clear, he was talking about a tattoo in some intimate place.

"No, I don't," he replied and looked to the side, where someone had started coughing. The fox sitting there was now lying on the floor and looking like he was choking on something. Worried, Leon released D and pointed to the animal. "D, I think something's wrong with him," he said.

D sent the animal a glare similar to those Leon regularly received. "Oh, don't care about him," he said, scorn in his voice. "I was thinking of selling him anyway. His parties have been very annoying of late."

-End-

Author's Notes: I spent last night at my friend's, 'cause her boyfriend was out of town. I just want to say that we're completely normal girls, that we didn't drink anything or watch any funny movie. Still, we ended up having exactly this conversation at roughly four in the morning. I'd like to blame it on fatigue, but I'm afraid I was quite awake, although I was indeed laughing very hard... *blushes*