Author- [Note, this is late due to some major life issues, so, the Authors note doesn't seem to fit, but, whatever]

There is a very reasonable excuse as to why I have yet updated. Ever since my last update, I have not been home. The day after, I went to a LAN party, which was awesome. I stayed there till 2, then took a 30 minute walk back home in the cold, lmao, while it was lightly drizzling, with my friend. She stayed for 2 days, and I couldn't write, well, because my friends don't know I'm nihon_jin_desu (Dr. Who seems awesome, lmao). She left 30 minutes before new years, so I went all emo cause I didn't have anywhere to really go so I walked around the neighborhood and got back home two minutes after new years. Then a friend picked me up at 2am, and I stayed at their place drinking till 5:20 am, then got dropped off at 5:50am, haha…

SOOOO, HAPPY NEW YEARS

And, um, I'm sorry for the long while, and that's why I'm updating on the new day of the year! While I watch the BBC channel, haha.

And the start off is pretty hectic, haha, so if you don't remember much of the end of the last chapter, please do re-read.

Now, enjoy, oh, and past reviewers:
Sandstorm- Haha, couldn't prove you wrong this time. *Shrug*
Hikari- Thanks :D!
ShinigamiMailJeevas- Haha thanks. And that's why I like cliffs, mwahaha
AlchemyOtaku0922- Hm, that sucks D:!! My mum gets like that too, but, now that I'm 18, i'm [nearly] unstoppable! Maybe next year?
Misha2011- haha, of course it was evil!
YagamiNeko- Well, since I know some psychology stuff, it's not easy to get over and accept help, haha. It's really hard, from what I hear. I don't think it's the trust, but accepting help in general, from anyone. Cause you either feel like help wont help, and worrying is just a nuisance. And I think that's where I placed Matt.
Shipet100- Haha, your noises intrigued me.
FearMeRawr- Loved your expression! Haha, *could totally see it*
Dark Angel Of Wind- All's good, I feel like I got plenty for this chapter. And it's not only for the feel good effect, but to motivate me, since I'm rather lazy . But your computer issues are understandable *hides bat* Haha XD *total jk*
VanillaKeehl- IT MAY BE AWKWARD.... BUT WE SHOULD REALLY MEET EACH OTHER haha. I love making friends at conventions, it makes it more convenient. But due to the fact that I'll be with staff, I don't know if hanging out will be easy XD, haha
FateWolf- OMIGOOOOD NOOO! Haha, I'm just messing.

Also, YAY FOR 100+ reviews! *throws confetti*

Anyways, enough about this stuff, here ya go.

Hal quickly ran over to me, grapping me by my slumped shoulders, as I wavered to sit still, dizzy from the blood loss and pain, exhausted with lack of sleep, food, and the situation at hand. For once, it was truly something I couldn't handle.

She repeatedly called my name over and over, but I didn't have it in me to respond.

The only thoughts that ran through my head was- Matt shot me, and, Matt shot himself.

My blue eyes rose slightly, and I was looking towards Hal, trying to keep my irises from spinning to a close, where my lids would remain shut. I had to keep myself awake.

Hal saw me do this, and her hands gripped my shoulders tighter than before. "Mello? Mello, what is it?" She asked, steering my body so that my head would remain up.

My mouth opened slightly, and the feeling of having no speech, was frightening. All I could muster was a sigh. "Ma.." I started, but I couldn't finish, my throat was sore, aching.

She looked at me, frantic, and nodded, then looked up. She returned her eyes towards me, and nodded again. "It's going to be alright, it's gonna be all right." She repeated, laying me down lightly.

Standing up, she quickly ran outside, yelling for a gurney, and if one was coming to come quicker.

But I could care less, I was becoming more and more tired by the second. So tired, that remaining conscious was the second most painful task at the moment.

My head was bobbing from side to side as it lay on the ground, my eyes towards the ceiling, my vision blurry.

Instinctively my hand covered the gushing wound, as the other one just lay at my side, fingers twitching as I tried to clutch them into a fist, in order to bite my nails into my skin, to remain awake.

But it was pointless. I could hardly move, and the only thing my mind decided to concentrate on was the pain, Matt, and the blood pooling around my body, soaking into my clothing.

All noises began to fade out, even though the noises around me were hectic, and loud, they sounded as if they were so far away.

My mind was starting to shut itself down, or rather, was trying to go to sleep, in order for my body to preserve, and save some type of blood within me. I knew that even sleep wasn't enough.

My head fell to the side, facing towards the glass windows, and I watched as people were being forced to move away, to allow some privacy, and room for the doctors to rush in.

Slowly, my eyes began to close on their own, and the only thing I could think of at the moment, was about Matt… And… Did he accidentally hit me where it was fatal? Or was it lucky?

Then, like a sudden wave of semi-truck traffic, sounds burst into the room. So loud, and so fast, it felt like a rush, as if I were on a rollercoaster. My eyes couldn't help but open themselves to the noise.

My eyes were moving wildly, and, I was panicking. My vision was blurry, everything seemed to be rays of light, colors weren't distinct. It was as if I were rushing through traffic on my bike, everything moving quickly past me, the lights of the cars just beaming past my peripheral vision.

I felt like I was in the air as people managed to pick up my body and lay it atop the gurney.

I managed to move my head towards Matt's direction, and I watched as the doctors circled in, allowing nurses to clean up the mess.

But before I determined if he was alive or not, my eyes closed, and I became far more tired then before.

My head further tilted into the gurney, and before I could pull myself from going deeper into unconsciousness, I was out.

The noises dimmed, the people around me became blurry shadows. And then, nothing.

Hal picked at her ear piece, her phone in her hand, as she walked back and forth in the room, her face seeming anxious, as she ignored Gevanni, who stared directly at me.

She seemed to be talking to Near, who was asking her a few questions about the incident.

There were a few reluctant answers, and some that were pretty serious and straight forward. But I could guess that Near, being who he is, pretty much mapped out everything that she said without giving him much hints.

Her blue eyes glanced towards me, then back to particularly nothing as she walked around.

It was funny how I could hardly feel the pain with the drugs they stuck into me.

Not only was the pain from the shot going away, but so was my usual train of thought.

Everything seemed dreamlike, every ones movement, I could've sworn this was a dream, like I was hoping it was since finding the damsel in suicidal distress.

Hal suddenly stopped, her eyes staring towards the dark area in my room, eyes wide, then slowly narrowed. "Yes," She nodded a couple of times, lightly, towards the ground, as if it was a bad idea. Her eyes lifted towards me, narrowed with worry, as she neared me, pulling out her ear peace.

Gevanni neared her, remaining close quarters at all time. I wanted to laugh a little, but I kept myself.

I just stared Hal down, ready to slap that ear peace away. Like hell I'd talk to him.

But as soon as I lifted my arm, Gevanni sped past her, and pushed it down, glaring into my narrowed eyes.

I pulled my eyes away from his, and watched as Hal placed the earpiece over my left ear, watching my face the whole time.

I didn't speak, I just waited, I wanted to avoid any conversation with him. But, as he sighed loudly, I could tell he could either care less with what I wanted, or knew what I was trying to do.

"So, tell me, were you honest to your intentions?" He asked, and I could note the patience in his voice, as if he already knew, but just wanted me to admit it.

I still kept silent. He did also, for the longest of moments. But eventually, he spoke again.

"You know, what you did was reckless. It can also place you in jail for nearly 5 years, due to intentional murder…"I cringed. "He's not dead?" My hand instinctively balled up, and my teeth grit. Though I had to steer the conversation, and try to make him believe it was not intentionally done to end him. "That's good… I only meant to scare him off. But when he got closer-"

"They told me you had the gun pointed towards your head…" Near stated flatly. "You see, Matt, I would believe you, if you were perhaps as smart as you should be. You shot down Mello with the intention to kill him, and follow it with your own life, am I wrong?"

I sat silent, wondering if I should deny him, and sound like an idiot.

"I know you're lying, there's no point in denying it." He flatly responded to my silence, I could almost sense the smile behind the speaker. "I understand you are recklessly determined to end yourself Matt, no matter how pitiful it may seem to those around you, you feel it's the core essence in your life, just because of your past. And, for some strange reason, when there is someone who spares you their time of concern, you rid of them. Am I right?"

The way he phrased that made me think for a second. Did Mello tell him about my foster parents? Did he know about the other friend I had? Then I understood. "Near… Are you saying I murdered my foster parents because they were kind to me?" I scoffed, and huffed a chuckle. "For the first time you hit a rock and fell into the flames." I sneered.

Hal and Gevanni exchanged shocked expressions, and I figured what I had done. I had just confessed to murder. And that was Near's intent.

Near was probably salving his pride in his little hide out place as he laughed away in his cruel mind. "Matt, there is an assumption, that people who kill once, kill again. However, in your case, your first action was stricken from the sensation of survival, and punishment against those who deserve it. But, that stir in your life has also perhaps opened unsteady emotions, and, that was followed with unintended ignorance, which perhaps, due to your instability, forced you to kill your friend too, am I right?… And the reason why you perhaps intended to kill Mello until now, is because you actually wanted to keep your murderous intentions from him, since you actually appreciate, or rather, appreciated him at some point. But now that you cant stand his concern for you, you want to hurt him. Just like your foster parents would hurt or fire the maids that were concerned for you… Am I going in the right direction?"

I didn't have to give him the answer, I could already tell he was smirking in silent victory. Instead I just pulled out the ear piece and gave it to Hal. "He's done." I lied, knowing that Near wouldn't tell her otherwise like a kid in order to keep this fruitless conversation from going on.

There was a sudden pang of guilt in my chest.

It was large, and frightening. The feeling I usually get when I slice my wrists, or legs, or when I shoot up drugs. I wanted to claw at it, to rip it out of my chest and forget, forget, forget.

But I couldn't. Not in a hospital where my sources were close to none, where Hal and Gevanni were keeping an eye on me, and where I couldn't run in my condition from countless numbers of security guards.

My eyes started to shift, and I felt like I was going to panic. There was a silent throb in my head, as if I could hear my own blood flow.

Pupils would stop to gaze at nothing, and I would sit there, as if dumbfounded, staring at anything, no matter if it caught my attention or not. For some reason, I couldn't help but stop and stare.

This sensation, I've felt it before.

My mind, it feels like it's no longer attached to my senses, as if I were living inside the body of someone else.

And, then, I shut down.

I am fully aware of this, my behavior. But no matter how pathetic I feel for behaving like this, I can't help it.

I want to snap out of it, and tell Hal, who's hovering over me, that I'm fine, that it's not something important, that it happens.

But this time, I've gone so deep, I can't even move accordingly.

Was I guilty because I shot Mello? Because Near knew my story from the get go, and I realized I was in trouble as soon as I walked out? Was it because I have failed so many times, that it's nearly impossible to map out as to why I'm still here?

My breathing became shallow, and sometimes, would stop, as my train of thought poured through my mind in crazy speeds. So many thoughts, regrets, guilt. And my heart didn't belong there, it made me sick.

To care about someone who was crying over me, or who wanted to protect me, who wouldn't allow me to end it all, who wanted to love me.

Those feelings made me sick.

So much so I wanted to kill, kill, kill, and no matter how many times I pull a trigger, or stab one down, I would never be able to remove this overwhelming sensation of pure disgust.

Now, even after feeling guilty over what I've done to Mello, remembering o=every detail of our recent lives together, mixed up, remembering and regretting, it only made the sensation worsen.

I felt as if I was going to pass out, and I couldn't tell if it was because of the meds sloshing through the IV, or if I was tired, perhaps it was my train of thought that was driving me to the edge of insanity.

Whatever it was, it was killing me, I could feel it. However, despite my desire for death, this was killing me in a way that wouldn't literally end me, but would perhaps psychologically end me, slowly, or perhaps quicker then I anticipated.

Near still appeared to be on the line, since Hal would nearly yell into her earpiece as she frantically bobbed my head to look at her, so that she could descript the detail of my out-focused eyes. But since I heard no nurses rushing in, I could tell Near was setting her straight with instructions and what not.

But no matter how many times they talked it over, or rose my head to see my current condition, I couldn't snap out of it.

It felt like I couldn't, as if this empty sensation would protect me, and help me through this situation until the end of my time.

I couldn't leave, no matter how many times I told myself it would be a good idea if I do, to avoid nurses, or a psychiatric ward. But, it seemed like my own words were wafted away, and the current thoughts that swam like a speeding current overflowed even my general perspective of everything.

Instead of proper talk, I was overcome with thoughts of suicide, of killing, of death, of the afterlife if there is one, of Mello, everyone involved, emotions, etc.

And even though that sounds like it could snap someone's mind, for some strange reason, it kept me together. I couldn't believe I was still sitting here, because, if anyone were to feel this, I bet they would've flipped out in the gurney, and would try to find some means of escape.

But I just sat there, pathetic and still, unmoving, the slightest of silent tears falling down my cheeks.

Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, I am pathetic. A pure embarrassment that was kept alive, as a lab experiment, to test my limits.

Perhaps I was reaching those limits, as the sensation drew even closer, closing me in, until I had no control over myself at all, not even the movement of my lips as I whispered. "I can't, I can't…" I can't what?

Even I wondered the message behind those words. I can't move? Breathe properly? Blink? But then, my thoughts meshed together, and I knew what I was repeating. I can't do this anymore.

I just can't.

The feeling of knowing this washed over me, and I felt as if the world was tugging at me from every angle, as the feeling in my chest got worse.

I felt Hal's hands cup my chin, and lift it to hers, but my eyes would dart away, far from my control.

And suddenly, with a weak voice, I began again, repeating, "I can't, I can't, I can't," like a mantra, and I couldn't stop myself, as I felt at the verge of screaming, something my body wouldn't let me do, and my thoughts didn't permit.

I wasn't deaf, as I kept repeating myself, over and over and over. I could hear the heart monitor speed up, and immediately Gevanni dove in, grabbing my unharmed wrist, checking my pulse.

I heard him call for a doctor, telling a questionable Hal that my pulse was sky-rocketing.

And, though a whisper, I could hear Hal, as she looked to me with concerned eyes, as her hand reaching over to her ear removing the earpiece, "He's lost it."

I could tell they've already thought I did long, long ago. So, realizing that she said that, was like someone clearly yelling out towards the heavens, that I've completely, shamefully, lost it. Lost myself.

And, for some reason, I couldn't deny it, because, deep down inside, I wanted to not believe I was reaching insanity, but I knew it was true.

I have become insane.

Most cases are tossed away when it comes to people like me. It's said that people who say they feel, or know they are insane themselves, are fully conscious of themselves, and therefore, are not insane.

Those who are insane, and deny it, are living in a world with no honest view points, they are basically sitting ducks living there merry, completely unaware of the real world, and how society views them.

But, perhaps because I am the worlds top ranking genius's, amongst a few who over pass me, I can tell. And, perhaps it's my train of thought, that allows me to overpass that thin border that distinct one from sanity, to insanity.

And perhaps, I am enabled to pass that border, like most can't, to distinguish this myself.

Yes, looking through all the evidence, I am insane. The scars, the inner damage, the emotional set, the murders, the attempted murders, the suicide attempts, I have lost it long ago, and now I am losing it even more.

The inner turmoil became almost unbearable, and suddenly, throwing my head back, eyes wide and shaking, I screamed. I screamed from everything my body was facing.

I yelled, not so that anyone could hear me, but with the hopes my emotions would ease.

But no matter how much I screamed, I couldn't, I couldn't remove this disgusting sensation that I just wanted to claw out, as if to rip my heart from my chest to allow death to come.

I yelled, over and over again, and I didn't stop, I couldn't stop. As I cried, and prayed, I couldn't.

The room was rather dim, and I could imagine, they left me hear after Matt had shot me, after they had removed the bullet and all.

I tried to sit up, but I found that I could barely move, because of my abdomen that unwillingly pulsed with pain.

It must have been fatal, if I'm hooked up in a gurney, at the ICU, with IV's giving me meds that weren't even helping my wound from easing.

But I had to sit up, at least walk up to a wheelchair. I wanted to, in order to check up on Matt, but my lack of knowledge on how these gurneys operate kept me from doing so.

Would I have to sit an wait?

No, I shook my head, teeth gritting. I couldn't. I have to see if he's well, alive at least. That loud fire that I heard after mine,-my eyes watered lightly-, did it mean he got himself in the head?

But, Gevanni and Hal rushed in before hand, so maybe.

I shook my head again, my eyes shutting tightly as my head bowed towards the blankets.

The pain in my abdomen was getting worse with each passing thought, and although I wanted to care about Matt, my selfishness wanted me to keep myself calm, so that the pain would cease.

One would think I would be strong, and overcome the pain, be bold and dis-attach myself from this bed to rush towards him.

But I couldn't, because this was reality, not fiction.

My eyes roamed the room, searching for the location of my cellphone. Maybe I could contact Hal and ask.

But, I found that it was on a chair, atop my folded bloody clothing.

The anxiety began to creep in again, and I had to unwillingly set it down with other thoughts, that made me feel sick to my stomach. Not because they were bad thoughts, they were about the Kira case. But, I felt this way, because I was ignoring Matt's well being all together.

I sighed, and slowly began to recline towards the form of the gurneys angular shape.

But, before my back reached the comfort of the bed, there was loud yelling.

So loud, that even though it echoed along the hallways, which gave the impression that it wasn't close by, I could hear it, so clearly.

The agony that resided with it, the pain, everything, as if it were a siren wailing to inner emotion.

Although it calmed me, it also scared me.

That was unmistakably Matt… But, that was also unmistakably the yell of someone who was clearly at the verge of losing self control.

Something that wasn't rare of Matt.

However, this time, for some odd reason, and I can't put it to words, it sounded far more real than the usual Matt that wanted to throw his life away.

This was him, loosing himself. I could tell, I can't say how, but, it sounded very real, and agonizing.

My head bowed, was there really nothing I could do for him?

And like he said, was there really nothing anyone could do for him?

Did everyone lose the battle to one person? Was this all pointless? Was it best for him to just…

I shook my head. There has to be something someone could do for him. There has to be.

My body fell against the gurney, the pain in my abdomen ceasing from existence as I began to go deep into thought. The yells didn't stop.

Slowly, tears began to fall, and my fists clenched.

My teeth grit against themselves, and my hands flung towards my face, palms pressing against my eyes.

There was nothing that could be done for him. Nothing. I slowly realized this.

Matt, Mail, he was going to die. And there was nothing, nothing, nothing, we could do for him.

Nothing.

Author- Hm, can I say I'm proud of this chapter? Not really.

I kinda began writing today, mid way through, after Matt gives her the earpiece back. The emotional turmoil was a bit hard to write, because, well, don't wanna say this because I HATE injecting myself into the story, but I guess I used the emotions I felt last night.

However, I exaggerated for the sake of angst and the fans of this story. In other words, it's only SLIGHTLY comparable, which, in other words, means that Matt's completely losing it, haha.
I'm still sane, haha, still here writing like I always do. I'd like to think that my slice of the real life angst cake was an aid to help write this chapter (even though Matt goes nuts).

Anyways, the reviews COMPLETELY pulled me through, and cheered me up. I really don't know how MUCH I can thank you guys for making me laugh and smile.

Now this might sound selfish, and I wasn't using my sob story to reel you in, but please keep up your duty, and review, so that I know I should continue this story, and because I'm overall lazy (so lazy, I don't feel like moving my hand, haha). School starts tomorrow (death), so I'm gonna need that extra push from my amazing readers!

Thank you soooo much!