~Chapter 6~

I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. Not the unusually cold air hitting me with its icy wrath, not the newly acquired stinging pain from the slashes of my arms, nothing. The only thing I felt was the tsunami of decade's worth of pain, anger, and disappointment tearing me apart from inside out. I don't remember how I made my journey. Not how I managed to abandon the nearly empty bottle of vodka, nor how I managed to apparate and walk the remaining miles. All I remember was reaching my destination: the white tomb.

Stumbling slightly I made my way to my father's grave to say all the things I should have said so long ago. I pause for a moment, taking a deep breath. "I have to stay strong" I say to myself. "I won't let him break me. Not again."

"Well you miserable bastard, you got your wish. I made the first move. I came running back to you. But you don't care, do you? You never did."

I will not make

The same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

"You and mother were wrong. I'm not a complete screw up. I really do have a career. I'm an auror. Ironic isn't it? Me, someone who hated her parents for dedicating themselves to their careers, chose a job that requires complete dedication. But I'm not like you."

I will not break

The way you did

You fell so hard

I learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

"I know I can't have both worlds. I know I can't spend the day chasing dark wizards and still come home every night to spend time with my husband and play with my children. I know I can't have that life. You knew you couldn't have that life too. You knew that with your status and your profession, you couldn't possibly have time for a family. That didn't stop you though. You were just so selfish. You didn't care how much emotional and psychological damage you inflicted. Just as long as you had your little outlets for your emotions when the outside world got too tough on you.

I could never put a child through that. That's why Alberic and Aiden's homes are bursting with little ones and sounds of laughter while my home is cold and empty with only the sound of ice clinking in my wine glass to break the silence." I began pacing back and forth, completely engulfed in my thoughts, not taking notice of the tears cascading down my face.

I lose my way

And its not too long

Before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know its weakness

In your eyes

"You can't say I didn't try to make it work. You know I did. When I was younger, I tried so hard to understand the situation you an mother were in. I did. I really did. I tried to love you even though you were never there. But I couldn't. Aiden and Alberic could. You and mother made it a point to constantly remind me of that. That and how much of a screw up I was and how I was such a disappointment."

I'm forced to fake

A smile a laugh

Everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole

To start with

"You have no idea how much that affected me. How much everything scarred me. Imagine, your own parents, every child's safe haven, calling you a screw up. I tried not to let you see what it did to me. Just like I tried to forget, That's why I drank and smoked so much. Because for a few blissfull moments, I forgot everything. I also cut myself." I pause in my steps to remove the long, black, fingerless dragon skin gloves I normally wore, revealing dark crimson slashes all over, some old scars, others very recent.

"Everyday I'd add new marks. Not just because I liked the pain, but also because I loved the control cutting gave me. For once in my life, I could control some of the pain being inflicted on me. The relief I gained from cutting was just so overwhelming. It was like the pain from the cuts ate away my inner turmoil, turning it into a pain I could handle. Something I grew to love and to this day, still can't live without. That's how I vent my emotions! Smoking, drinking, and cutting because it's the only way I know how to handle everything!" I drop to my knees, I'm shaking uncontrollable. I lied to myself. I can't stay strong. Not now. Not when I'm living through everything over and over again. I don't know how, but I broke again.

I watched you die

I heard you cry

Every night

In your sleep

"My earliest memories of you are of you always being to busy. That, and of you slowly withering away, collapsing from the pressures of being the world's greatest wizard. I watched you die slowly inside each time Voldemort killed someone. I watched you become obsessed with finding and stopping him. I heard you cry out at night from nightmares that plagued your mind, collapsing from the weight of the world that rested on your shoulders. I watched as you pushed away Mother, Aiden, and Alberic to wallow in your own self pity and misery only to see them come back and pick up your pieces. But that's all I did. Stand there and watch."

I was so young

You should have known

Better than to lean on me

You never thought

Of anyone else

You just saw your pain

"I'd be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy watching you suffer. You deserved it. With all the shit you put me through. God, I was so young and you leaned on me so much. I used to think that if I was there for you, you'd return the favor and be there for me. But I was wrong. You were there for everyone: the wizarding world, Hogwarts, mother, Aiden, Alberic, but not me. That was what really killed me. That you and mother could dedicate yourselves to saving the world from Voldemort and the well-being of other people's children, but could never seem to spare a minute for your own." By now its all over. Every ounce of my self control and any dignity I might have had before is gone. Every little thought and emotion I had suppressed and bottled up for so long. My volcano, so long held in through various methods had finally unleashed itself completely. So much that I can no longer control myself.

And now I cry

In the middle of the night

From the same damn thing

"I still have nightmares. Horrible dreams where I'm a little girl again and a dark wizard has captured me. The dark wizard gives you a choice: save a Hogwarts student or me. And each time, you choose to save the student, never looking back. But you know what terrifies me the most? The fact that if the situation had come to pass, you would have chosen the Hogwarts student instead of me.

Because of you

I never strayed too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

"Even after all these years, everything you put me through still haunts my mind. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't ever be in a relationship with someone. Hell, just having friends is a challenge for me.

Because of you

I try my hardest

Just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let

Anyone else in

"Everyday I try to forget. I've even tried casting memory charms just so I could try and move on. But it didn't work. It was still there, as fresh as ever. And it's not like no ones tried to help me, because they have. So many have tried. Beauxbaton's professors, friends, colleagues, fiancées." My voice breaks on the last word.

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life

Because its empty

Because of you

I am afraid……

"But they can't help me. Especially when I can't trust them. My whole life is a lie. A written lie that you and mother invented with your imagination to protect yourselves from scandals. My parentage, my home, hell, my name is a lie! And what is true about my life is meaningless because all it shows is that my life is empty! How could I make someone understand or believe that? And even if I could, I don't think I could manage sharing all that." I can't breathe. I try over and over to catch my breath but I can't. So much pressure on my chest. Almost as though I'm drowning in my own tears of sorrow. Using all the strength I have left I rise to my feet although I'm swaying dangerously, unable to keep my balance,

"For the first time in my life, I wish you weren't dead. I wish you were still alive, so I could kill you myself." Shakily, I raise my wand at the tomb and am about to fire a spell until a tall figure emerges from behind the bushes, and before I have a chance to react, tackles me to the ground.