a/n: hey guys, I'm so sorry I've been absent. It's been a busy few... However long this has been. I feel it's been years. That's embarrassing. Unfortunately my Batman muse dried up for a while and I've been struggling to get it back. I had couple chapters written, but I wasn't happy with em, so didn't upload them. Anyway, I've managed to get back into the swing after playing DCU, one of the Arkham games, and getting enough money around to buy some comics. Unfortunately, this does descend more into madness than it should, and moments are lighter than what I intended with this, so it's somewhat morphed. There's some OOC behaviour, I know, but I'm loving writing Jonathan and Scarecrow at the moment, but can't seem to slip back into seriousness.
I hope this is as good as I wanted it to be first off, and I hope anyone out there still following it enjoys it even with the slight change of track. I do have an idea of where I'm going, it's just whether I can keep the muse going long enough to get there.
Thanks for sticking with me, and rejoining me.
-fs
Jonathan was drug designing on the laptop, jotting down ideas on a notepad beside him, and listening to music as loud as his ears could take through the headphones when the door opened. He could be forgiven for not noticing, slouched down on the dirty sofa as he was, but he wouldn't be.
A woman stood in front of him, tapping her foot, arms crossed. He continued to ignore her until he went to write something down, whereby he jumped and let out a little squeal.
"For the love of christ, Ivy, I thought you were Wonderwoman!"
Ivy frowned.
"Why would I be Wonderwoman?"
"What?"
Ivy walked over and yanked the headphones out of his ears, then leant down and started shouting in his ear.
"WHY WOULD I BE WONDERWOMAN?!"
Jonathan cringed away, sticking a finger in his ear.
"Because I just trapped Superman in some ice and froze him by fucking with his head with some kryptonite."
"You mean Bats and J did?"
"No, they were on the floor. I got him."
Ivy looked mildly impressed, or as close to impressed as Jonathan had ever seen her, and he had to hold back a massive grin. He set the laptop to the side and stood up.
"Do you want anything while you're waiting?"
"Waiting?"
"Yeah. I mean. I assume you're here to see Harley. She's… Well, I don't want to think about what she's doing right now. It's not pleasant. And you might be waiting a while because sometimes it takes ages."
A loud squeal caused Ivy to nod sympathetically.
"Now I understand why you're damaging your hearing."
"Yeah. Better that than my brain."
"That's already damaged."
"Yeah, yeah."
"I was here to see you, anyway."
Jonathan stopped for a couple of seconds, mouth open.
"Were you?"
"Yes. I saw Bats and he said you needed someone undercover."
"Oh, yes. We do."
"Well, I can't imagine I'll be great at that. But I figure if you can get me to the surrounding area I might be able to infiltrate some of the building structures with vines."
"Oh. Wow. Can you hear what they're saying then?"
"Just about, yes."
"That'd be great. Amazing. Thanks."
"That's alright. But I was wondering why you didn't just ask Catwoman. She and Bruce had a thing, didn't they?"
Jonathan cringed again.
"Did. To be honest, he won't admit it, but I've heard that she helped Nightwing put him in Arkham."
"Oh. Really? Normally, I would congratulate her. But Nightwing's a pussy and I don't like pussies. What a bitch."
Jonathan shrugged.
"Well, that's what I heard anyway."
"Next time I see her…"
"Yeah, you, me and J all have the same idea. Never mind Croc. And Ed. She'd better hope she's gotten her ass out of Gotham city before this all ends."
Jonathan sat down and Ivy chose to sit down next to him.
"Do you want to plan what you're going to do?"
Ivy shook her head.
"I was looking at your notes. They're very impressive."
"Well, your plants are very impressive. It's just our specialisations."
"I suppose it is."
Later that day, Bruce returned to the warehouse to see Jonathan Crane sitting looking stunned and the Joker absolutely pissing himself laughing.
Bruce paused on his way to the 'kitchen'.
"What?"
The Joker waved his hand, still laughing, and Jonathan's eyes flickered over to him.
"J walked in on me."
"Doing what?"
"Uh-"
"Were you wanking, Johnny? Was that porn?"
"No. No."
The Joker stopped laughing, his face dropping into a deadly serious expression.
"I walked in on him bucking Poison Ivy."
Bruce nodded, and then,
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Yeah. She, ah, she got up and left. She'd came though. So I suppose that's a good thing."
"I'm so sorry. If I'd have known I wouldn't have walked in. I don't wantcha thinking I'm some sorta cock block. I just didn't know."
"She might come back. I mean. I have to help her with her Hero HQ plan."
The Joker slapped him on the shoulder.
"Atta boy, that's the way of thinking."
Bruce was still stunned.
"How did you manage to bang her?"
"She just… Was on me. All of a sudden."
"Hey, don't putcha self down. You're a great guy."
"Yeah but, bro. Ivy? She doesn't even like men. She's the biggest feminist around here."
"Man, you're only saying that coz she'd never bang you."
"Hey, I'm Batman. And Bruce Wayne. Everyone wants me."
"Just coz I want ya doesn't mean everyone else does."
"I don't."
"Maybe Johnny's just her type. She's a scientist, he's a scientist. They both use their science for evil. They're practically the same person. She's just more… leafy."
"Did the leaves take part?"
"Uh, no. I mean, they mighta got more green or something but it's not like they were fondling my balls or anything."
"Daymn."
Bruce walked away into the kitchen and the Joker sniggered.
"He's just jealous."
"Stop laughing."
"I'm sorry. You looked like a kid caught by his mother."
Jonathan narrowed his eyes, there was a second, and then they were rolling around on the floor.
Bruce came out of the kitchen, mug in one hand and sandwich in the other to see the more violent play fight he'd ever witnessed taking place.
Eventually, Scarecrow, having the lower hand due to his smaller body and muscle mass sprayed the Joker in the face with Toxin.
"Fucks sake, Scarecrow, he'll be tripping out for days now."
The Joker's pupils dilated, then contracted, then he sneezed and they were normal.
"Johnny just got me with the Superman-deodorant trick, huh?"
Scarecrow frowned, "Uh, no…"
"Oh. Is it new?"
"No. It's the one I've been using on everyone recently."
"Oh."
"What are you seeing?"
"Nothing. Nothings different."
He started to laugh, and stood up, holding out his hand to help up Johnny.
"Maybe my greatest fear is that nothing will fucking change."
The Joker walked off laughing, and Scarecrow stood, confused, before he looked at Bruce.
"I have never seen that before."
Bruce shrugged.
"Bastard has no fear. Makes sense really."
"Maybe I should…"
Bruce held up a hand.
"No. Okay. Take it outside, spray it in the streets, put it in the water, fucking, crop trail it for all I care. But I put my fucking foot down at you even trying to make something to freak that bastard out."
"I just-"
"No. No way. I will have to stop you."
Jonathan sighed.
"Fine. Just don't come to me next time you want a scientific advance Mr Stuck-in-the-dark-ages."
"I'm cool with being in the dark ages if it means J isn't on Fear Toxin. Also, I don't think I've ever come to you for a scientific advance. No one needs your advances except the creepy dude lurking in your brain."
"Whatever."
"Don't sulk, Johnny."
Jonathan stuck his fingers up at Bruce and turned back to his computer screen, who pulled a face back at him. Bruce's phone chimed, and he frowned, pulling it out of his pocket.
"Hey, rule one of undercover is no smartphones Brucie-baby, thoughtcha knew that?"
"J, it's a new phone. No one but you guys have the number. And Johnny has a smartphone."
"Don't drag me into it, I have like four contacts. I have to use it for back-ups of this software. Or in case I need to open a door when I'm out."
"You don't go out."
"I do go out, you're just usually out when I'm out."
"Then how come we don't run into each other."
"Because we don't hang out in the same dives."
The Joker pulled a pouty-face.
"Aw, little John-boy doesn't wanna associate with me."
"I associate with you all the time, I just tend not to want to be caught up in explosions."
"Is it not good for your panic attacks?"
"Speaking of panic attacks, Bruce-"
"Don't go off on blaming me for those again, alright Johnny? I get it, you have a bee in your bonnet. You're upset at me for spraying it at you. But seriously? How many times have you sprayed me? And why couldn't you just form an antidote so you're protected?"
Jonathan opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, and the Joker roared into laughter as if Bruce had said the funniest thing ever while Johnny glared at him.
"Oh man, you kill me, Brucie, you kill me."
"I wish I'd killed you…"
"Naaah, you don't. Anyway, I said I'd take Harley on a date. I dunno where I'm going. I think she wants to go to a restaurant but whenever I show up there people get all 'oh you're so evil you're going to kill us' and refuse me a table so I might just take her down the docks and throw her in."
"Romantic. Remind me to come to you next time I need relationship advice."
"You'd do well to. Might get a woman not a plant. HARLEY? You finished puttin' your face on?"
Harley trotted out in really high heels and her shortest costume, beaming.
"Well, at least if the cops show up I won't be the one gettin' arrested," J said, laughing as Harley frowned at him, easily confused. He kissed her to make up for it. "Awh, I wouldn't leave ya behind."
"Get out before I active the air-con," Jonathan sniped.
"Yeah you'd like that, wouldn'tcha? C'mon Harls, lets high tail it outta here and leave these guys to their bonin' or whatever the hell they do when we're out."
"If I so much as touched him, you know you'd crack my skull, J."
"What's that supposta mean?" Harley asked.
Jonathan smirked and waved, and J stuck up his middle finger at Jonathan, extended his arm for Harley, and headed out the door.
Jonathan waited until they were out of earshot and Bruce was attempting to slink off before he muttered,
"You might think you've dodged a bullet, but you haven't. Who's the text from?"
"None of your business."
"Oh I think it is my business."
"Fuck you, Crane."
"Touchy, aren't ya?"
Bruce shook his head, and stomped up the stairs.