12. Remembering

There was a brief silence as Edward's words sank in. Then, as if someone had suddenly turned on the volume, the room erupted with whoops and cheers and everyone was asking Tristan exactly what his power was and how he got it. Everyone except me, that is. Now I knew why I had been tempted to forgive him earlier, and why the wolves had caved in so easily to his little proposal. I was fuming.

"Okay, okay, everyone give Tristan some space," Carlisle laughed, "why don't we all sit down and hear his story?"

I wanted to leave and go hunting or something, but two firm hands placed themselves on either side of my shoulders and steered me to the couch. I looked behind me to glare at whoever was subjecting me to this heinous torture. Edward. Should've known. He sat me down between himself and Emmett so that escape was impossible. I crossed my arms and glared at him. I refused to look at Tristan, even though I could feel his eyes burning their way through my skin. An image of me, laughing and joking with Cammie while we were in line for the hot chocolate danced around inside my mind, and I glanced sharply at the owner of the memory. Tristan bit his lip sheepishly and the image disappeared.

"So," Bella said, "were you very persuasive as a human?"

Tristan smiled shyly, "I suppose you could say that."

After some more prompting, he finally explained that in high school—or "secondary school" as he called it—he was captain of the debate team and that he led his team to win a bunch of competitions.

"Then there was this really prestigious contest, where you could get a full scholarship to any university of your choice, you just had to write an essay on why you think you deserved it." He said softly. "So I wrote the essay…and I got picked. After that I went to Oxford University and studied to become a lawyer."

"He's not telling us the whole story," Edward grinned, suddenly, "Tristan, you seem to have let slip that you won every mock-trial that you were given. Even when you were representing the bad guy. Would you like to tell us more about that?"

Tristan ducked his head. He looked like he would blush if he could. "Um, yeah. This law firm in London offered me an internship, even though I was only in my second year."

He said all of this while looking as if he were embarrassed. He had gone back to being like that sweet-looking little boy, and it was hard to stay mad at him. My scowl had vanished as soon as he mentioned law. My sister, Natalie, was in her third year of college, studying to be a lawyer too. A pang went through my chest as I realized we were in the same state. She was in Seattle University and Seattle is in Washington. Forks is in Washington. I wanted to see her.

Edward nudged my ribs, trying to make me focus on the present, but I couldn't. I was filled with a strong urge to see my sister. Hug her. Tell her I miss her. The emotions were so overwhelming that I got up and excused myself. I needed air. If not to live, then to clear my head. I mentally assured Edward that I was just going to take a walk, and I got out of there.

I hadn't even taken ten steps out the door when I heard soft footsteps behind me. I turned to find Tristan a few paces behind me, hands in pockets and hair covering a bit of his eyes. The anger that always came when I looked at him or even thought about him came back. I noticed it wasn't as strong as before. It was probably subdued by my longing to see Natalie.

Taking deep breaths to calm myself, I asked him a brilliant question. "What?"

"Edward told me…about your sister—"

"No," I interrupted him, "stop right there. You don't get to talk to me about my sister. Understand?"

Tristan sighed. "Okay. Sorry."

I turned on my heel to walk away but his next words made me stop.

"You know," he said, "When I first saw you laughing with your friend at the rink…aside from wanting to drink your blood…I was thinking that it'd be nice if we were friends. You know, because you had a nice smile, nice laugh. So if you would please forgive me—not right now of course, but sometime this decade…"

I felt a tingle in my chest, a sort of warmth, and realized it wasn't the first time I got that feeling while Tristan was talking to me. I recognized it now. "Look," I snapped, "I know what you're trying to do, but you should know that if you try to use your 'powers' on me one more time, I will snap you in half."

"Oh, I didn't know I was doing anything," he actually looked genuinely surprised. "I guess it comes naturally. You have to believe me though. I wasn't trying to do anything. I mean, when I said those things to the wolves, yeah, I was consciously using my uh, 'gift', but I wasn't trying to manipulate you in any way. I promise."

Well. I didn't know how to reply to that so I simply said, "If you know what's good for you, you'll leave me alone."

I went the opposite direction before he could say anything, feeling weird. Pre-vampirization, I never threatened anyone, and if I did, it was just as a joke. Now it seemed I was doing it every few seconds. What would my parent think if they could see me now? What would Natalie think? Lex and Kevin? Cammie?

That's why you can never see them again, idiot. They'd think you were some kind of freaky leech-person.

Of course. I was stupid to want to see Nat again. I was stupid to think that she'd want to see me again. I dropped my head into my hands and cried that strange, dry vampire cry. I hoped that no one would come to fetch me, because I really needed to do this. I needed to properly say goodbye to my old life and accept this new one. This new life in which I would never get older than eighteen. I would never graduate high school and get into college. I would never be the maid of honor at the wedding my sister or Lex or Cammie were going to have some day. I'd never meet a man of my own and get married and have children. Grandchildren.

Long after I stopped crying, the list of things I'd never get to do was still being written in my brain. I forced myself to stop, and think of the good things that a vampire life brings. There were the super-enhanced senses, of course, which was pretty cool. The speed, the memory thing…oh, and being beautiful. But the most important thing that a vampire life gave me…the Cullens. I half-smiled to myself, knowing that with them by my side, the side effects of this life might just be bearable.

"Kelly, you're just in time! We're about to watch 'Anastasia'." Alice said as I walked in Bella and Edward's cottage. She was sitting on the living room couch, which was a warm brown instead of the creamy white of the main house. Nessie was sitting to Alice's right, digging through a bowl of popcorn.

I raised an eyebrow, "That movie where the girl loses her memory?"

"Yeah. Ironic huh? She should've just called you!" Nessie said before Alice could reply. I laughed and joined them on the couch. We were about twenty minutes into the movie when my brain throbbed, followed by—

Alice. About fifteen or sixteen years old this time. Her hair was long, it passed her shoulder blades, and it was dirty. Slightly limp. In fact, everything about this Alice was slightly limp. She was slumped against the wall of her room—if you could call it a room. It was barely big enough to hold the single bed and small, square table in there—and staring at the opposite wall. There was no sunlight in the room. The only source of light came from a very dim bulb that hung overhead. Alice's eyes were unfocused and glazed over. Her fingers absently traced a pattern on her bed sheet.

A man opened the heavy door with a tray of food in his hands. He didn't say a word as he placed the tray on the end of the bed and quickly stepped away. Before he closed the door, Alice called out to him without looking away from the wall.

"Do I have any letters?"

The man sighed. He came back in the room but didn't make any eye contact.

"Ms. Brandon. For the past year, you've asked me this question. The answer is, and will always be no. Stop asking."

"I'm getting one," Alice said, still gazing at the wall, "someday."

The man rolled his eyes, but I caught a glint of uncertainty in them. He left the room quickly, leaving Alice all alone again. The light bulb gave a last flicker and then everything went dark.

I blinked and looked sideways at Alice. She didn't seem to notice that anything was wrong. She and Ness were too engrossed in the movie. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn't shake the image of a skinny, sickly Alice out of my mind. She looked so miserable in that asylum. Her family didn't even visit her or write to her. The way she was sitting in that memory, it was as if she wasn't ever going anywhere else.

Oh, Alice. How did you get out?

We were back at the main house now and Jacob was coming over, so I was told to put in the contacts. When he walked in the door and scowled at me, I didn't even have the energy to scowl back. I already had Tristan to think about, I couldn't be continuously hostile to two people at the same time. Jacob seemed to be taken off-guard by my passive behavior. He talked and played with Nessie as usual, but every so often he'd glance over at me nervously, as if expecting me to pounce on him.

I was reading a book on a chair across the room from Jacob, so he really shouldn't have been paranoid. I shook my head slightly to clear it, put down the book and looked around me to take note of where everyone was. Carlisle was at the hospital, Rose and Emmett had gone on a mini-vacation somewhere, Edward was at the piano, Bella was helping Esme with some cooking—that documentary had really had an effect on her—and I didn't know where the rest were. Jasper and Alice and Tristan. Alice and Jasper were possibly catching up on their couple time, but that wouldn't explain Tristan's disappearance. Oh my God, maybe he left. That would be awesome. Edward shot me a disapproving look. I shrugged.

Maybe Alice was on her own somewhere, organizing some person's closet, and Jasper and Tristan were doing something together. Those two had become really close over the past few weeks. Everyone else was happy about that, but it annoyed me to no end. A friend for Tristan meant a reason for him to stay.

Alice materialized in front of me without warning and smiled. "Wanna go to Port Angeles? We haven't been there in a while."

"Uh, sure. Hey, where were you?" I asked, curious.

"Oh," Alice waved her hand in a vague circle, "I was updating Bella's closet."

From the kitchen, I heard Bella's annoyed groan and I laughed.

"Wait, what are you two going to do in Port Angeles?" Jacob asked suspiciously from across the room. I'd forgotten that he didn't know.

"Kelly, Alice and I go to Port Angeles on a regular basis to get Kelly immune to the smell of human blood. It's working wonders so far." Edward said, getting up from the piano bench.

Jacob looked like he wanted to start a fight, but surprisingly, he let it go. Instead he said, "Take the other one with you too."

"Tristan?" Alice asked, "I don't think that's a good idea. Jasper will take him some other time. Separately."

"Why can't you guys go together?" Jacob wouldn't let up.

"Because," I cut in, "I don't like him."

I grabbed the keys to Edward's Volvo from a drawer and made my way to the garage, hoping he and Alice would follow me. They did. I tried handing the keys back to their owner, but Edward told me I could drive if I wanted to. I pushed the keys into his hand. It wasn't so much that I didn't want to drive, I just…couldn't.

"You can't drive? But…aren't you eighteen?" Edward asked.

"Edward," I stared at him. "I'm from New York. We walk everywhere. And if we aren't walking, then we're either taking the bus or the subway or the occasional taxi. Seriously, no one even uses their car unless it's to go out of town."

Alice gaped at me, wide-eyed. "Wow. Okay, we need to teach you someday. Forks is all driving. But not today. Today we work on your human immunity."

It was a very short drive to Port Angeles. When we got to the familiar parking spot where I always 'practiced', Edward rolled down the car windows. All the way.

"What are you doing?" I asked him, slightly panicked. "Get those back up. I'm not ready to just jump back in!"

Edward paused a moment, tilting his head a little to the side. "I think you are. Just buckle up your seat belt. That should hold you back a bit if you find that your control is uh, out of your control."

I gulped but did as he said. The seat belt felt restraining across my chest, and I wanted to get out of it, but it was for the safety of the fragile humans around me. A few peered discreetly into the car, curious as to why there were three unnaturally beautiful people in there. A honk from the Volvo's horn made the humans keep on walking. About an hour went by with the three of us talking about things from the daily life of the Cullens, to the most amusing and far-fetched vampire movies, to where we saw ourselves in a hundred years. We were talking so much that I barely noticed that my nose and throat were burning with the scent of human blood. At one point the conversation ceased and Alice hesitantly asked me if I was up to some memory-searching. I really, really didn't want to for fear of what I might see, but I couldn't say no to the look that was on Alice's face. It was a cross between a puppy hoping to follow someone home and a little girl who'd just made a new friend. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. There it was. Alice's beautiful pinkish colour, and next to hers was Edward's. His was a breath-taking shade of shimmering green. As smooth and vast and inviting as the grass on a golf course. I focused back on Alice because I was starting to get images of Edward cleaning his car about two weeks ago, and who needs to see that?

I was having difficulty getting to Alice's human memories. They were so deeply buried that it was like trying to dig a hole in cement, not impossible but very time and energy-consuming. Then suddenly, like an elastic band that's finally reached the end of its life cycle, a memory flung itself into my mind.

There was a man in a white lab coat. His hair was shockingly red. It was like a flame, and it made his head look bigger than it actually was. The volume of his hair was especially weird when compared to his painfully skinny body. A name tag on his coat pocket identified him as Dr. Procter.

There was a brief lapse in my concentration while I laughed at that ridiculous name. Doctor Procter? Seriously? Edward chuckled along with me, causing Alice to bounce in her seat asking us what happened. When I explained she cracked a smile as well, but frowned, trying unsuccessfully to place a face with the name. I closed my eyes again.

Dr. Procter—giggle—was sitting behind a huge wooden desk. That was the only object of colour in the room. The rest of the space was a throbbing shade of white. There was one white chair in the middle of the room, facing the desk, and in that chair was Alice. She looked the same age as when I saw her in the other vision. The one of her mother bringing her to this place. A small blue-eyed girl with slight shoulders and shiny black hair that fell to just under her collarbone. She was dressed in the same clothes that I saw in the other vision too. A blue floral dress that reached her ankles. There was a really big muscular guy standing to her left. He stared dead ahead, totally emotionless. Alice, on the other hand, was all emotions. Silent tears were streaming relentlessly down her cheeks, her eyes and nose were red, she was shaking, and though her eyes were pointed downward, I could see the absolute terror in them. Plus, I could feel the fear and misery accompanying the memory.

Dr. Procter slowly got up from his desk. He picked up the chair he was sitting on and set it down a few feet away from Alice.

"Mary Alice," he said, taking a seat, "how do you feel?"

Alice didn't answer his question. Instead, she asked a couple of her own. "What is this place? Why did my mother leave me here?"

"Well, it's very complicated…Think of this place as…a haven. A safe place to get better, where no one will judge you."

"To get better? But I'm not sick," Alice protested. Her wide eyes were so innocent.

Dr. Procter looked very pained. "No, no, you're not sick in the physical way, but it's a different matter entirely when it comes to your mind. Your mother tells me you see…the future? How long has this been going on?"

Alice completely ignored his question. "When can I go back home?"

"Soon," Dr. Procter said with a tight smile. "If you're good."

"I'll be good." Alice said, with grim determination.

And the vision ended at that. I opened my mouth to tell Alice about it, but before I got any words out, another memory crawled out of Alice's subconscious.

It was the white room again. Alice, a few years older than in the last memory, was sitting in the very same chair in the very same spot. The only difference was that now there were two muscular guys beside Alice instead of one. Dr. Procter was at his desk, writing something down furiously. His hair was still red, but it was thinning. Now he didn't look so Albert Einstein-ish. After a while he finally looked up and stared at Alice. She had her head tilted back so that she was looking up at the ceiling. A vague part of me noticed how this was different than the last time she was in this chair. Or at least, the last time that I saw her in the chair.

"Mary Alice," Dr. Procter said, clearing his throat.

"Mary Alice," he repeated when she didn't immediately turn her attention to him. After a third time calling her name, Alice finally rolled her head to look Dr. Procter in the eye. Her hair was much longer now, almost reaching her waist. It wasn't as shiny as when she first entered the asylum.

"How do you feel today, Mary Alice?"

"The same way I felt last week." Alice said. Her face was blank and her eyes were no longer innocent. No, there were more like…resentful.

"That's what you say every week," Dr. Procter muttered, scribbling something down again. "Has anything strange happened lately?" He asked in a louder voice. Alice shook her head.

"Do you still have your 'visions'?" He asked, eyeing Alice skeptically.

"Yes I do, actually. Like I keep telling you, like I keep telling everyone: my visions are real! And they come true!"

Dr. Procter sighed. "Really? Haven't you been asking if you'd gotten a letter for a year now? You saw that in a vision didn't you? Where is that letter, Mary Alice? I don't see a letter."

Alice clenched her teeth but didn't answer.

"You know, it's disappointing, Mary Alice. You've been here, how long? Three years? It's a shame that you haven't made any progress at all. If anything, you've gotten worse. Take her to her room." Dr. Procter directed the last bit to the two men. They each helped Alice up and led her to the door. At the last minute, Alice broke away from the men and turned back to face the doctor.

"I've been keeping track, and I know for a fact that I've been here for exactly three years and five days now. When I first got here, you said I'd be out soon. You lied. You lied! So now tell me the truth. When will I get out?" Alice was shaking, and sweat plastered her hair onto her forehead.

"Mary Alice, as long as you keep having these delusions that you call visions, I'm afraid we can't let you go anywhere."

Realization dawned on Alice and her shoulders went rigid. "I'm never going to leave, am I? I'm going to rot in this damn place and die here, aren't I? Aren't I!"

The two big men grabbed at her arms, but Alice was kicking too wildly, screaming too loudly. Dr. Procter shook his head sadly and massaged his temple. "Mary Alice, this isn't helping anybody. Calm down."

This had the opposite effect on Alice, since she tried to turn around and punch one of the men. She kept yelling for them to let her go, let her go, let her go. Finally, the men were forced to just pick Alice up. One guy held her under the armpits, and the other was desperately holding on to her flailing legs. Alice was not making it easy for them. By the time they reached her room, both men looked battered and bruised, and they were panting. They slammed the heavy metal door shut and left Alice to cry herself to sleep.

"So?" Alice gazed at me expectantly, waiting to hear about what I saw. For a few seconds all I could do was stare at her. How different she looked from the visions of her past-self. This Alice was healthy. This Alice had a family that cared about her and loved her. This Alice was happy. I hugged her.

"Why do you want to dig up your past, Alice?" I asked, holding her tight. "You have a perfectly good present, you know."

"Of course I know, I just…now that I know it's possible to know, it's hard to leave it alone," Alice seemed to be confused at my behavior, but she didn't let go. I did.

"Well, you should know your past isn't very pretty," I laughed weakly, half joking.

"I know," she said in a grave voice that scared me. That was so unlike her. I shut my eyes and leaned back against the headrest, feeling exhausted. Searching through memories was hard, but now it was doubly so, since I was out of practice. Edward let me rest, and filled Alice in on what I saw.

My eyes snapped open when there was a long pause. Alice was frowning and staring hard into space.

"Alice, what is it?" I asked. She made a "shh" noise to tell me to stay quiet.

"I think some things are coming back to me. Did this Dr. Procter have…red hair? And was he really, really skinny?"

Both mine and Edward's eyes bulged and we glanced at each other.

"Yes, that's exactly right!" Edward was talking very fast. "Is there anything else you remember?"

Alice bit her lip and squinted her eyes. Those eyes widened. "Was the room white? Was there always at least one bodyguard-type guy hanging around me?"

Edward was nodding ecstatically and I let out a shout of excitement. Alice's face lit up like a supernova and she squeezed my hand hard. The three of us were on a high, trying to coax Alice into remembering more things. Before she tried to do so, she called Jasper and asked—well, ordered him to come here and share this momentous occasion with her. I was so happy for Alice that I completely forgot that Jasper would probably bring some unwanted company. Everyone was happy, so deliriously happy. Which is why it sucked so much when someone suddenly yelled very loudly into my ear.

"Kelly? KELLY? Is that you?"

I turned toward the voice and my heart just about jumped out of my throat.