Chapter 12

Chasing thoughts

This night Remus couldn't find any sleep. He just stared at the ceiling, Tonks' words ringing in his ears. She loved him. She wanted him. It made his heart beat so fast he feared it would jump out of his chest. He remembered every detail of that kiss on Christmas, of that evening in the library. Why didn't he notice? It was obvious, now that he was thinking about it. But maybe that was just the reason why he hadn't realized it earlier: He had forbidden himself to even think about it, to dream of Nymphadora Tonks. He hadn't wanted to think that she might love him because there was just no way for a love like this. After all, he was a werewolf what made him too dangerous. Not even mentioning the age difference or the fact that he didn't own enough money to buy new clothes. He loved Tonks, actually he loved her so much that he didn't want her to end up with someone like him. What was there he could offer her? His love? Why would she want that? She could have everyone, men who had more to offer. For example a peaceful life. Instead of one where she always would have to fear a visit from Greyback. At the thought that this disgusting creature would lay his dirty hands on Tonks as soon as they would be together, he was sure he was doing the right thing. Remus John Lupin was dangerous himself and moreover he brought other, worse dangers with him. When the picture of her state came back to his mind, he chased it away with the image of her shattered body after a werewolf attack.

She felt that she was on the edge. And that she should do something about it. The potions didn't work any more, the lack of sleep was too big for them. Her head was spinning all the time and her vision became blurry now and then. She nodded off in meetings, even at work, no matter whether she had paperwork on her desk or real missions. But she was afraid to go to St. Mungos. Moody would think her weak, as well as most of the order. She would be ashamed of herself. So there was just one person left that could help her: Giovanni.

It was around midnight when she stood in front of his door, waiting for him to come out. She knew it probably wasn't fair for he might have to work early the next morning, but she couldn't bear to be alone in her apartment any more. Not even a second longer. The door opened and he blinked her, still a bit sleepy.

"Nymphie, what are you doing here? What happened?"

"Well, um... Nothing, to be exact."

"You know how late it is, yeah?"

"Yes, I know. I just... I'm really sorry but I couldn't bear to stay at home and I didn't know anywhere else to go."

"You know that you still have parents, even though you moved out some years ago, right?"

He tried his best to look angry, but Tonks could see the amusement he hid.

"I know. But I'm not sure Mum and Dad would want to listen to me rambling about the stupid werewolf I fell in love with. I'm already happy that they don't know that you're gay or that your favourite men are criminals."

"Yeah, Andromeda has got some problems with getting over her prejudices. But you have to admit that she progresses, after all she married a Muggleborn and raised you."

Now they both couldn't help but laughing. Tonks knew exactly why she chose Giovanni to console her. No one else could make her laugh at this point. As soon as they calmed down, he made her sit on his couch.

"So, my dear Nymphie. I've never seen you looking so terrible and I witnessed the times you thought grey with dark green strands was actually beautiful. So, what is it?"

She told him everything. The kiss. The night in the library. How she stopped sleeping weeks ago and that even her potions didn't help. He nodded at everything, looking worried but not interrupting her once. But when she ended, he had something to say.

"Nymphie, really, I know you hate it and dessert day was just a few days ago, but you should go to St. Mungos. I don't care what your crazy suicide order says or how Mad-Eye's normal eye will look at you, I just want you to be healthy, if I can't make you happy. This bloke should thank Merlin that I don't know where he lives."

"Giovanni, you already made me happy. A few hours ago I was convinced I forgot how to laugh or smile. Can't I just stay a few days and if it doesn't get better go to St. Mungos?"

"I guess that's okay. Right now there's no one to disturb the two of us."

"Now it's your turn. Tell me what happened since the last time I was here."

"Nymphie, you have enough problems yourself, do you really want to add mine?"

"Of course I want to."

So she listened to his stories. It helped. She felt much better doing something for him instead of always being consoled without any consideration. His problems weren't big enough to depress her further, but listen to them made her feel that the world moved on, no matter what it felt like for her. It was nearly three o'clock in the morning when they stopped talking and went to bed. For the first time in weeks, Tonks fell asleep with her head on Giovanni's chest, listening to his soothing heart beat.

She awoke in the late afternoon of the following day. Giovanni had slipped out of his bed without waking her and so she had slept almost all day long. She wasn't used to such an amount of sleep and although many hours of sleep had passed, she still felt tired. There was no point in staying in bed, so she rose and made herself something to eat. She hadn't been this hungry in what seemed to be months. After nearly an hour in the bathroom she moved to the living room, waiting for Giovanni to come home. Tonks didn't know what to do on her own and as long as he was away she felt the same emptiness which followed her ever since she fell in love with Remus. Sirius and Giovanni could chase it away, sometimes even Moody. But only being around him made it disappear completely. Tonks went to Giovanni's bookshelf to prevent herself from thinking of Remus. There were some of Shakespeare's tragedies, but she didn't know if she could take tragic love at the moment. The comedies were much better in her state and so she grabbed some of them, making herself comfortable on the couch. After a while she started to freeze and lit a fire in the chimney. That way she spent more than three hours, until she finally heard steps on the stairs outside. She hurried to the door to open it for Giovanni, when all of a sudden, on top of the staircase that led to the hallway, her vision became blurry again. Tonks had time to think that jumping up that quickly after a whole day of lieing and sitting hadn't been one of her best ideas before everything went black and she felt herself falling.

The next time she opened her eyes she was blended by harsh light. She tried to shift herself in a more comfortable position, where the light wouldn't be directly above her yes. But as soon as she tried a wave of pain rolled through her whole body, nearly sending her back into unconsciousness.

"I think she moved. Nymphie? Nymphie, can you hear me?"

She wanted to answer to Giovanni's familiar voice, but she found herself unable to talk. What happened to her?

"Even if she moved, she will need some time until she is able to speak or do anything but lieing in this bed, Mr. Riviera. Her injuries were quite serious and her state was even worse. It will take a while to recover from such a lack of sleep and food."

She heard steps and the shutting of the door. Giovanni put an extra pillow beneath her head. She thanked him in silence for being able to read her mind like that. Giovanni always knew what to do. Slowly she tried to open her eyes or use her voice. None of it caused pain, so she thought it better than trying to move again. Finally, after what seemed to be hours, her eyelids lifted and she could look at her best friend.

"Hi Nymphie. Nice to know that you're still there."

He grinned at her, but she could see the sorrow in his face. The injuries had had to be really bad because he was quite used to her being in hospital. The last time he had been worried she had almost died. She wanted to know what had happened and how long she had been lieing here, but all that came out was a caw she didn't recognize as her voice.

"You don't need to speak, try to rest a bit. You fell down the stairs and I brought you here. Your spine was broken, as well as several ribs, the base of your scull, your left arm and leg and part of your hip. I thought you were dead when I saw you lieing there. The healers were worried if they would be able to save your life and the fact that you hadn't slept or eaten for a few weeks didn't help either. Never do this again to me, Nymphie. You're my best friend, there's no one else I could run to when Johnny tries to kill me."

She did her best to smile at him, not caring that even this little movement hurt like hell. Tonks tried to form her last question with her eyes and it seemed like the message arrived.

"It was Tuesday when you fell. Now we have Saturday. I'd like to tell you that I didn't leave your bed once, but the job called. But I'm sure Robert cared for you as well as I would have."

She lifted an eyebrow – another wave of pain that bordered on agony – to ask him about that Robert. Giovanni blushed – something she hadn't seen him doing in about twelve years – and talked much faster than was necessary.

"Oh, you know, he's a healer in St. Mungos and I talked to him while I waited for you to awake. He's really nice. He thought we were a pair. Can you believe it? The two crazy gits we are? Well, and I told him that I'm not interested in women, you know that I'm not shy when it comes to confessing my sexuality (how true) and said that we're best friends and that you lived with me and then he brought me a cup of coffee one day and he told me about his parents and everything..."

Giovanni stopped using punctuation marks – always a sign that he fell for someone. She had never seen him so nervous before. Seemed like he really liked Robert. And why not? She would pay attention to that man, but he couldn't be worse than Giovanni's usual dates. He went on for at least half an hour, then he looked at his clock, blushed again and apologized that he needed to go to work now. She wasn't mad at him, in fact she was almost relieved that he stopped talking. Not that she didn't like the idea of him falling for someone nice, but it was really exhausting to listen to him when he talked so fast and she was already tired after such a little time awake.

The next day she woke up in the morning and found Dr. Robert Faste at her side.

"Good morning, Miss Tonks. I hope you're better now. Do you want a pillow or anything?"

She shook her head and ignored the pain that rushed through her.

"Could you try to talk for me? If it still doesn't work, I have a potion that could help."

Tonks tried to answer him, but there was no use. Her voice still refused to work.

"Okay, that's not surprising. I'll help you swallow the potion and then you can try again."

So he did and finally there came more than a caw when she opened her mouth. Her voice was still hoarse, but she could talk.

"Thank you very much. It's really exhausting when you can't talk."

She smiled at him and he returned a grin.

"I imagined that much. Sorry, but I didn't have time to make the potion earlier and my trainees – well, I didn't want to poison you."

"That's no problem. Had Giovanni been here?"

"He had looked after you a little earlier but had to leave for work. Shall I tell him to come as soon as he's finished?"

"No, it's okay. I've got the impression that he will turn up on his own."

She bore her eyes into his. Dr. Faste suddenly seemed to be at a lack of words.

"Well, surely, you're his best friend after all..."

"That's not what I meant. Can I ask you a question? It's quite personal and I don't mind if you don't want to answer, I'm just curious."

"Well... Okay. Ask."

"Are you gay?"

He nearly choked on his own saliva and she knew that she hit a point.

"Why do you ask?"

"I know some and I just wanted to verify if my instinct is alright. You don't have to answer."

"I guess there's no reason why I shouldn't admit it. At least not to you. You're instinct's working perfectly well."

"Thank you very much. A second question. Would you mind going out with Giovanni?"

He blushed so deep that Tonks feared he would get a heart attack, but he recovered quickly.

"Why are you asking?"

"Well, he seemed to be interested. I just wanted to know if he may finally gets to a date with a person that is worth his time."

Now he grinned at her.

"I would like to go out with him. He seemed a very nice and caring person."

"Oh, he's the best. If he weren't gay I would try to get him myself. Do you want to ask or shall I arrange something now that I can use my voice?"

"I think I'll ask myself. You're really sure that he is interested?"

He looked as nervous as Giovanni the other day. Maybe Tonks fulfilled her promise to organize someone that would make her friend truly happy.

"Definitely."

Robert smiled at her one last time before he left the room to get her other potions. Tonks closed her eyes and prayed that they would chase Remus out of her dreams. He still hunted her thoughts when she was awake and it was hard to eat all of what the other healer brought her around midday. At least he didn't know about her little accident. Hopefully she got out soon enough that no one in the order would notice.

She hadn't expected Moody to turn into a newsletter.