Alex's POV

Abbie picks me up a little after noon, in her usual fashionably late manner. I'm freshly showered and ready to go before she arrives.

When I got up this morning I was in a good mood, ready to face the day. It's been a long time since I had felt that good.

And then Olivia made me take that pill. As soon as I swallowed it, I felt different. I know the effects can't be felt that quickly, but my brain was preparing to be altered anyway. When I climbed into the shower with Olivia, I already felt sluggish. She had tried to lighten the mood by scrubbing my shoulders and back, but I had pushed her hands away and opted to do it myself instead. I know that hurt her, but I couldn't help it. I felt different.

"You okay?" Abbie asks as soon as I've climbed into the passenger side of her Blazer and closed the door.

I nod and stare straight ahead. "Fine. Where are we going?"

Abbie looks at me for a long moment, and I expect another question, but instead she says, "What are you in the mood for? Pizza, salad, sandwiches, Chinese?"

Abbie has already started driving and I put the visor down in front of me. The sun is coming right in, and I have a headache. "How about that sub place we always used to go to? I haven't been there since the last time we went together out. That must have been almost a year ago."

Abbie smiles. "Has to be close. Back when we hung out all the time. Before we both got 'too busy'. It's funny how work can consume you."

I just nod. I know what she means – at least I used to. Back when I still had a job. God knows when I'll be able to go back there again. At the rate I'm going, I doubt I'll ever be cleared to return.

Abbie pulls into the parking lot of Sammy's Place and finds a spot right near the door. I'm thankful for that as it has started spitting rain and I don't want to get my drying hair any wetter. When I get out of the car I notice the sky is gray and foreboding. How appropriate – it feels like me.

I feel a bit light-headed as we enter the little restaurant. I chalk it up to my sugar probably being low, although I had breakfast this morning.

It's not busy, which isn't unusual. Sammy's is a great little restaurant with excellent sandwiches and friendly staff, but they are neverbusy. What makes them unique is they have a sub bar where you can take your own bread and your own toppings instead of having someone make it for you. It's one of the only restaurants around that has that option. With such a unique offering I can't understand why they don't draw a larger crowd.

We order our drinks and pay for our subs and then make our way over to the bar. I chose Italian bread and put on some cold cuts, tomatoes, lettuce, and cheddar cheese. Normally I'd have the courtesy to wait for Abbie get hers before I take a seat in a booth, but I'm still feeling a bit light-headed and unsteady on my feet and I'm desperate to sit down. As soon as I'm seated, a wave of dizziness hits me and I have to shake my head to get rid of it. I hope I'm not coming down with something, and that I'm not wearing myself down.

When Abbie finally slides into the booth across from me, I see she has chosen a similar sandwich, minus the meat. Hers looks like a veggie supreme. She pushes the hair out of her face and smiles at her creation. "Wow – it's been way too long!"

This would usually get a smile out of me, but I'm not feeling it right now. It's all I can do to nod at her. My dizziness has returned and it seems worse than before.

I try to ignore it by taking a sip of my soda and listening to Abbie go on about work. She's so cheerful and talking a mile a minute.

The inevitable question comes again. "Alex? You okay?"

I snap my head up and look at Abbie questioningly. "Yes. Of course. Why?"

I see the skepticism in her eyes as she gives me a once-over. "I asked you the same question twice and you didn't answer either time. You look lost in your own world there. And you haven't touched your sub. Is it okay?"

I nod again and force myself to take a bite to satisfy Abbie. I'm not hungry and I'm feeling a bit nauseous, but I don't want her to worry.

"I'm okay. I'm just a slow eater – you know that."

"I know. You pick at your food more than you eat it."

I make a face at her. "Thanks, mother."

Abbie smirks. "You're welcome."

The next few minutes are spent in silence. My headache has seemed to dissipate, though I still feel a bit nauseous and dizzy.

"What do you want to do after this? Go shopping, see a movie?"

I'm about to answer when I'm hit with an intense wave of nausea and I know I'm going to throw up. I stand up quickly. "Excuse me, I need to go to restroom."

I barely make it to the washroom in time. Thankfully one of the two stalls was unoccupied, and the fortunate person in the stall next to me gets to hear me retch. It's their lucky day.

When I'm positive I've expelled everything from my stomach and the convulsions have stopped, I close the toilet and lean against it, breathing heavily. Vomiting takes a lot out of you, and it's been awhile since I've done been sick so violently.

My stomach muscles ache and I put my hand on my abdomen as I go back to the table. And my facial expression must give away to how badly I feel, because Abbie immediately stands and asks, "God, Alex, do you need some help? You're even paler than usual."

"I think – I think I need to go home. I don't feel well at all. I'm feeling really shaky and dizzy."

Abbie quickly wraps up the rest of her sub and does the same for mine. "You can take this home with you and eat it later when you're feeling better."

I weakly nod and grab my purse from the booth, slinging it over my shoulder. That one simple motion sends another spell of dizziness through my body and Abbie has to grab me to stop me from toppling right over.

"Jesus, Alex! You must be coming down with the flu or something. Let's get you home."

I allow Abbie to help me walk out to the car, despite my aversion to people babying or pitying me.

I don't say anything, but I know it's not the flu. I remember reading the possible side effects on the prescription bag from the drugstore. Dizziness, nausea and vomiting were all on there. If Olivia hadn't made me take that pill, I could be enjoying a great afternoon out with my best friend.

I have to have Abbie pull over halfway home so I can get sick again along the side of the road, for the viewing pleasure of everyone who drives by.

When we finally arrive back at my apartment complex, Abbie helps me inside and takes my keys from me when I fumble to find the right one for the door. She opens the door and I follow her inside like an obedient dog following its master.

Olivia is on the sofa, still in her pajamas with the TV remote in her hand. A look of confusion comes over her face when she sees us, but it quickly changes to one of concern when Abbie says, "Your girl is sick."

Olivia is immediately by my side. She puts her hand on my forehead. "You don't feel warm, baby. Is it your stomach?"

I shake her hand off me and start towards our bedroom. "It was that stupid pill!" I yell over my shoulder right before I slam the bedroom door.

I flop down on the bed and try to hold in my tears. I know Abbie is sitting out in the living room with Olivia, and they're discussing who should come in here to talk to me and what they should say to me. I hate knowing that they're discussing me, because I'm too fragile to be out there with them. It never used to be like this, with my girlfriend and my best friend having to take care with me all the time.

The room is spinning, and I close my eyes and force myself to take several deep breaths. I have to calm down. It won't do for me to throw up again, and then have to have Olivia or Abbie come in here to take care of me. I hate feeling so dependent.

Sure enough, there's a knock on the door after a few minutes. "Lex, it's me," Abbie says. "Can I come in?"

I groan in response. I really don't want her to see me like this, but I don't seem to have a choice, since Abbie opens the door and comes in anyway.

She perches on the foot of the bed and crosses her legs. "What's wrong, Lex?"

With effort, I pull myself into a sitting position. "That damn pill Liv made me take."

"You know Olivia just wants what's best for you, Alex. She's worried about you."

"I don't need you to patronize me, Abbie. I know she is. But what do you want me to do?"

"Talking to her would be a good start."

"I do talk to her!"

"Just like you do talk to me."

"No, it's different. You're busy. You've got your own stuff to worry about, and I don't want to remind you of –"

"You don't want to remind me of what happened to me? Alex, I want to be here for you. I know exactly what you're going through, and I know it's tough, but I don't want to hear your bullshit excuses. You're having a hard time talking about it; I get that. But you can just be honest with me and say that. You know I understand."

I sigh, knowing that she's right. "I want to kill him, Abbie," I say quietly. "I've never felt like this before, but I really want to kill him. For what he took from me."

Abbie hesitates for a moment, and then she matches my soft tone. "I want to kill him, too," she says, and I wonder if she's referring to the man who hurt me or the man who hurt her. "Lex, you know it's normal to feel that way. And you'll get it back, whatever you think he took. You'll start to feel safe again, eventually. But you've got to let people in. Liv and I want to help you, but you've got to let us."

I look away from her. "I'm not as strong as you, Abbie. I don't think I can."

To my surprise, Abbie pulls me into a tight hug. "You are strong, Lex. And you've got plenty of people pulling for you."

Olivia's POV

I go in to check on Alex and Abbie after about twenty minutes. I'm really worried about Alex, and I can't help but feel guilty for making her take her pill. I know in my head that she had to, and I'm still terrified that she's going to try to hurt herself, but I hate seeing her in pain. Knowing that I've caused it is the absolute worst feeling in the entire world.

I find them sitting on the bed together. Alex's face is drawn and her knees are pulled up to her stomach, and there are dried tracks of tears on her cheeks. Abbie has a comforting hand on the small of Alex's back and is nodding sympathetically to everything Alex is saying. I can't make out her words, but clearly she's hurting badly, and Abbie replies to her in a soft, soothing voice. I know this is a bond Alex and I will never have, and I should feel grateful that I will never know from experience exactly what she's going through, but I wish I could be the one to be there for her right now. I know Abbie is a good friend for her and has been there for her for years, but part of me still wishes Alex could come to me.

Abbie looks up and notices me in the doorway. She says something to Alex and Alex meets my eyes and nods. Abbie beckons for me to come in, and I sit down on the bed on Alex's other side. "Hey," I say quietly, kissing her cheek. "How's it going?"

Alex looks at her hands. "I'm okay."

Abbie gives her a disapproving look. "Alex, what did we just talk about?"

Alex sighs. "I'm not okay," she says after a moment's hesitation. "My stomach hurts and I'm feeling dizzy." She meets my eyes. "Liv, I'm not going to hurt myself, I promise. I don't want you to worry about me doing that. I promise I won't."

I smooth Alex's hair back from her forehead. "What can I do to help, baby?"

Alex looks at Abbie and Abbie gives her a nod of encouragement. She turns back to me. "I don't know, Liv. I just –" She looks at Abbie again and then back at me. "I feel like I'm out of control. I don't like it. This isn't me. I don't think a pill is going to help me feel in control again, Olivia. I really don't."

"I think you're going to have to discuss that with Dr. Allen next week, sweetheart. I'm not qualified to tell you whether or not you need to take them."

Alex looks more defeated than I've ever seen her. "I hate this, Liv."

My heart goes out to her. "I know you do, baby. And I hate seeing you like this, but there's nothing I can say, Alex. Why don't you give Dr. Allen a call and see what she says?"

"Now?"

"If you like."

Alex gets off the bed and goes to get the phone. "Can I make an appointment with her for this week?"

"If she's okay with it." Once Alex is out of the room, I turn to Abbie. "You think she's doing all right?"

"All things considered, she's holding up pretty well. Try not to worry so much, Olivia. Give her a little bit of space. I don't think she's going to hurt herself if that's what you're asking."

I sigh. "I can't help but worry, Abbie. That's my job."

"Even if she doesn't tell you, she does appreciate it."

I give Abbie a small smile. "And even if she doesn't say it, she's grateful to have a friend like you. We both are."

She smiles back. "I'm going to take off. Call me if you or Alex needs anything, okay?"

I nod. "Thanks, Abbie."

"Don't mention it. Alex is a friend." She goes out to say goodbye to Alex, and Alex walks her to the front door.

A moment later, Alex comes back into the bedroom. She immediately curls up in my lap, which makes me smile. I love the feeling of my Alex in my arms. "You okay, baby? Did you talk to Dr. Allen?"

She nods and cuddles up against me. "She says I can come see her on Tuesday, if I want. Will you come too?"

"Of course, sweetheart. I'll stay with you the whole time if you want me to."

"She says I have to keep taking the Paxil, because apparently the side effects can dissipate after a few days to let your body adjust." She makes a face and I can tell she isn't exactly thrilled about that idea.

"She's right, Alex. You've got to give it a chance to work for you."

"I don't want it to work for me!" Alex bursts out. "I don't want to have to take an antidepressant for the rest of my life!"

"Alex, it won't be the rest of your life –"

"It might be, Liv. What if I just never get better? What if nothing helps?"

"Alex, just try to focus on right now. Take it one day at a time. Don't worry about what might happen far in the future. Just think about now, baby. You need to try with the Paxil. If it doesn't help, then we'll try something else."

Alex sighs. "I don't want it to be like this, Liv," she whispers, her voice muffled. "It hurts too much."

I know nothing I could ever say to her could take away her pain, so I don't even try. I just hold her and hope that it will be enough.