Everything is Better Now (Or IS it? [yes])
The three orphans, at the end of their adventure, were just making their way out of L's building, back into the streets of Japan. They were already dressed for their new lives in order to really drive home the point that everything had changed and life would never be the same again. Mello had exited first and was waiting for Near and Matt, who was last to get his assignment and be kicked out.
"Mello!" Matt called out, now super in love with Mello. According to fanfics, this is a personality trait. (Or at least enough of a personality trait for Matt, who isn't that well defined a character.)
"Oh hey, guys. I can tell by your little work-costumes that you are a professional nerd and a professional dork," Mello said, brimming with contempt and glee, and several other emotional emotions.
"I'm a game designer!" Matt yelled happily. Let's pretend he was playing a game while he was saying this, since that is a personality trait we know that he has.
But let's also not overdo it on the personality traits. It's just Matt.
"It's pretty awesome because I can do it wherever Mello decides to live!"
"That's awesome, Matt. It means that we can make out all the time, and that is what I am all about in these fics!"
"What about you, wait let me guess… You're a chocolate chef themed male stripper!"
"What?" He sputtered with disgust, anger, and some pride, "I'm a regular chocolate chef! L has me training under the chocolate Zen masters of Hershey trained in the art of chocolate." He continued, "I LOVE CHOCOLATE!" because, you know. Mello.
"Oh." Matt blushed, somewhat less in love with Mello, but still pretty in love with Mello.
"I'm a professional Lego builder," Near smiled coolly, " I'll be working at Legoland under the Southern California Lego Zen masters trained in the art of Lego. I am being trained to specialize in Lego robotics. Lego!"
"No one cares, Near!" Mello shouted with delight. Just delight. It was one of his incongruous word/actions towards Near, not an illustration of his freaky emotion problem.
"Wait a minute, guys!" Matt said, "if you're going to Hershey, Pennsylvania and Legoland, California, then we can't all live together!"
Already kind of over Matt's new personality, Near stated, "I am fine with tha-"
"Oh my God, you're right, Matt!" Mello gasped, getting all up on Near.
"Well, if it's so important to both of you, we could go on another adventure. All of the other orphans from Whammy House probably need to be rescued from whatever became of them," Near sighed lethargically.
"I'm not doing that adventure!" wrote the author.
"Oh, all right. Let's just all go to our dream jobs then," Near said, already gone. He was pretty excited about Legoland.
"Call me!" Mello shouted after him.
"I don't know what that was about, usually he's the one in love with you in these things."
"I KNOW, right? That was what I said. I'm sure he's just shy, he just needs some 'non-consensual sex acts' in order to come around, usually."
"WOA! Not cool, Mello…. Just…just.. wow." Matt eased, "We are trying to keep this rated T."
"What? He loves it in these fics. And I didn't even say the R-Word. 'Surprise sex'. 'The old please don't hide the-'"
"Stop!" Matt yelled covering his ears, super uncomfortably. The T-rating was pretty fucking tenuous at this point because of all the language anyway. Shitshitshitboobies. There, now it's gone. Goodbye only T-rated fic out there by me. Actually, never mind - everyone knows that ratings are self-selected anyway. More like, say hello to all my T-rated BDSM-tinted smutfics.
"Hello, I'm back." Near said, somewhat un-indifferent (different?), "I thought about what you said for the past 10.2 seconds about 'staying together' and I have calculated that, perhaps instead of more awkward run-around and unrequited crush on Matt, and you… r-wording me, talking rationally about the possibility of being a real part in each others' lives increases the probability of the idea working out by 24%." He looked away uncomfortably twisting his hair.
Matt and Mello shifted uncomfortably, with either mixed emotions or love for Mello, depending on which one you are looking at.
"Or maybe not, what do I know? I am supposedly 'socially retarded' in these fics," he said rolling his eyes (like a little smartass social retard). "Even though I am supposed to be a genius with an almost supernatural ability to guess people's motivations," he complimented himself. "Look, since we have learned so much together in the past few days, and have no one else in the world who cares at all for us, the only home we've ever known that's burned down, and a hero who wants to send us away and marry Kira, I feel a potential for a possibly lifelong connection with both of you as friends or conceivably even more. I am unsure of how to ask this, or what it would mean, but perhaps we could go on a few… er… dates?" Near continued hopefully apathetic, "Not that I know how dating in our situation would work, but the uniqueness only further engenders the need for clear-eyed conversation, rather than avoidance, in my opinion." He finished, fingering his hair on both sides now with extremely nervous impassiveness.
"Near…" Mello started, "Not cool."
"Were my advances too awkward?" He almost blushed, but didn't, because he is a monotone robot in this. Oh ok, he did blush, actually, because he had switched from robot to super-uke fanfic-mode. He was blushing so cutely, you guys!
"More like: Not awkward enough!" Matt answered.
"Oh my god, you just diffused the sexual tension with your bullshit rationality!" Mello shouted.
"I don't understand. I'm sorry?"
"Your goddamn right you're sorry. God damn it, Near!"
"God!" Matt added.
No one spoke for a while. They were super annoyed with Near for diffusing the sexual tension. Super.
"That is the only reason anyone reads these things," explained the author needlessly. "How am I supposed to get them together after this disaster? No one in fanfic has ever started a relationship with dates, or even gone on a date. Clear-eyed discussion? God damn it, Near," and continued, "Why did I write that?"
"This is awkward," Near stated.
"It's not your fault. You didn't know that relationships ideally start when one party voraciously jumps the other and just starts making out without warning or permission," Mello continued for him.
"Right! Or just up and moves in with the other person without regard to the practical aspects of what will happen for everyone if things go south." Matt agreed.
"Or shows up with a gun at their workplace," Mello added.
Near sighed, "I just don't think that's a very good idea. We are all very complex people…"
"A-hem," interrupted Matt.
"…except for Matt," Near continued as Matt nodded in agreement. "Anyway, we obviously have complex and differing desires and expectations, which is why I even asked to get to know you better."
"And if you were actually in love with us, you would already know our complex desires and expectations. Telepathically. And you would change your's in accordance to our's," Matt lectured. "Like I do with Mello."
"I don't think that's a healthy-"
"We'll call you." Mello said, running away, but fully intending to send a shirtless-in-the-bathroom-mirror pic to Near later anyway. It was another one of his incongruous word/actions again.
Matt, in love with Mello, followed because he was basically going to follow him anywhere and do anything for him. If this were an anime he would have grown metonymic doggy-ears for a minute that illustrate his devotion. But it is not, so please imagine it in a way that kind of works for you. Up to, and including, not imagining it at all. This is what I'm personally going to go with.
I guess the lesson here is self-sacrificing bitchery is a good way to show your love, according to these fics. That and the R-word. Those are actually pretty damn terrible lessons, and I don't think that you should use them in your lives ever. Seriously. EVER.
And so, in the end, L married Kira and made him his successor, even though he was Kira. Matt and Mello became the best game designer and chocolate-chef, respectively, and made out all the time. And Near remained forever alone. (Until he got to Legoland and made many wonderful friends who were totes into robots, Lego, and rationality too, and they taught him many important life-lessons.)
I guess that if that is not good enough for you, eventually, everyone joined up again to have a more unambiguously happy ending in a place with chocolate, Lego, games, and mysteries. Let's say: Denmark. Nice.
In either scenario Roger totally died - Of alcohol poisoning. (He was drinking pretty constantly through all of this, in case you hadn't noticed.)
The end. :D