Two months later

"Wish you didn't have to go."

Pam said as she hiked herself up on one elbow and pulled the sheets up around her. Ryan stood across the room buckling his belt and fixing his tie in the full length mirror that hung on their walk in closet. It was nearly six in the morning and Ryan was off to yet another board meeting. Outside, the city was still just waking up. The sky looked overcast and traffic was just starting to build up. Inside the central air felt comfortable, and Pam couldn't help but feel wide awake and wired at this early hour.

Ryan turned, looking the exact image of perfection.

"Are you taking a test later on?"

Pam nodded before Ryan went over to his dresser and took out two silver cufflinks. Putting them on he smiled across at Pam before winking at her. Walking over, he leaned over and gently kissed her on the forehead.

"Wait to take the test okay?"

Pam's brow wrinkled before she smiled up at him.

"Huh?"

"Well…if it ends up being what we want it to be…I wanna be there."

Pam couldn't help but find how cute he sounded. Smiling, she reached up and touched his scruffy rough cheek.

"Okay, I'll wait."

Ryan grinned before kissing her quick and standing up to grab his bag.

"Love you Pam."

He called out; a minute later she heard the front door and laid back down starring at the ceiling. This morning Ryan and had her gotten up together at five when his alarm went off and both had sex for nearly a half an hour. For the last few weeks Pam had stopped taking the pill and both had looked forward to a couple of weeks of nonstop sex and then within the end of the month finding out they were pregnant. It all seemed so easy and romantic in their heads when they finally decided to start trying. The only person who knew about them starting was Pam's mother, who wished them the best of luck and said since they were so young they would more than likely get pregnant before the end of the summer. Pam was nervous about such a decision, but both Ryan and her had talked about it and finally decided that's what they wanted. Pam was never the type of woman who would want to wait five or six years after she got married to start a family, she knew from the moment she finally woke up to the fact that she loved Ryan, that she wanted to have kids with him right away. Something she never felt with Roy.

Pam was worrying about all different types of things, mostly how much things would change once she got pregnant. At first she wanted to truly know if this was what Ryan wanted, she didn't want him to think she was forcing or rushing him into anything. Late one night over coffee, Ryan admitted he had always wanted kids and really never thought at this age he would seriously be thinking about having them. But then again…he didn't think he would be working in New York and being married to the most wonderful woman in the world at this age. Both decided to take it slow, they would deal with things as they came towards them…and of course deal with them together.

So for the last few weeks the two of them would make love in the morning before he went to work, then again in the evening, and once more at night. The two usually made love every other night depending on how exhausted Ryan was from work. Their sex life before they started trying to get pregnant had been very successful and passionate. As shocking as it seemed, Ryan was the best sex Pam ever had. He wasn't selfish in bed, and could go for what seemed like hours. He was always so gentle, yet so serious whenever he stared at her. Ever since they became intimate a few months into dating, both couldn't seem to get enough of each other. Feeling like teenagers, they would make out on the sofa together while Ryan was trying to finish reports, and Pam was trying to get some extra projects done. The two would shower, and always be sneaking kisses and feels to each other. Both were crazy being next to each other, and still had butterflies whenever they were looking into each other's eyes. Pam never felt like way with anyone before and still had to laugh at how sometimes she could write Pam Howard over and over again in her sketchpads. Now since they started trying, both were excited. The first night both were almost positive they had done it. They took a test a few days later and when it was negative, Ryan shrugged it off and told her not to worry. They kept having sex, and Pam bought plenty of pregnancy tests. She hoped it would happen sooner than expected; she knew how badly she wanted this and knew how much Ryan was looking forward to it.

Slipping out of bed, Pam dressed before fixing herself breakfast. Deciding to go to the gallery for a little bit, she left the apartment feeling very good about herself. That evening, Pam came home with a few new books and paint brushes. Lately whenever Ryan was working in his office on the computer, Pam would sit a few feet away trying new ideas with paint splashes and still life. Her favorite thing to draw was Ryan. In fact, unknown to him she had at least six dozen sketches and small paintings of him she had drawn over the last two years. Some, as creepy as it sounded were of him when he was sleeping. Usually whenever she had trouble sleeping she would slip out of bed and just grab her stuff and draw him. Somehow, it made her feel better. Other times were when he was working at home, or sitting beside her. She wanted to surprise him one day…maybe in a few months after she got pregnant.

Starting dinner, Pam out on the stereo softly and lit a few candles before hearing the door open. Ryan walked in, tired looking yet happy to see her.

"Hey hon."

Pam smiled standing at the counter as she chopped peppers.

"Hey, how was your day?"

Ryan shrugged before putting his bag down and losing his tie.

"Oh same as always. Got a pile of reports to look over and then I need to update some new stuff on the website."

Walking over, he went behind her and slipped his hands around her before gently raising her shirt. His hand going underneath, he cupped her breast before gently kissing her against her neck. Pam smiled, setting down the knife before leaning back.

"I missed you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Pam smiled before Ryan slowly turned her so she could face him. Smiling, he touched the side of her face before kissing her.

"You didn't take it yet did you?"

Pam smiled through the kiss before shaking her head.

"No, I waited."

"Good."

A few minutes later, Pam opened the bathroom door as Ryan nervously waited on the edge of the bed. Changing, he slipped his shoes off and smiled up at her with his big blue eyes. She could tell he was excited. Holding the plastic strip in her hands, Pam felt as though her hands were shaking. Walking over, her stomach began going into knots. Sitting beside him she sighed.

"So…"

Ryan looked at her.

"So…how long do these things take again?"

"Another minute."

"Oh."

Ryan nodded before looking down at the floor. Pam sat there for what seemed like the longest minute of her life. That's when she really began to think. This one plastic strip could change their future. Thinking more about it, she wasn't scared…in fact she wanted this more than anything. Thinking of Ryan and her having a baby made her heart flutter in her chest.

That's when Ryan's hand slipped into hers.

Pam looked at him, smiling before looking at the test and taking a deep breath.

Negative.

Pam's heart dropped.

Glancing over, she saw the disappointment in Ryan's eyes. Sighing, he lifted her hand up and kissed it.

"That's okay…next time."

Pam lowered the test before slowly nodding.

"Yeah…I guess you're right."

A month later Pam still hadn't gotten pregnant. Deciding to visit her doctor who she had just started seeing, she expressed her frustration on how nearly three months in she hadn't gotten pregnant yet. She was perfectly healthy, and had just started reading up different tips on the internet on how to conceive. Her doctor gave her some vitamins, and told her not to worry. That she was still young and that there was plenty of different things Ryan and her could be trying. Giving her a packet, and his good wishes, Pam walked out of there trying to stay positive. That night Pam welcomed Ryan with a very affectionate kiss, and told him she had a few ideas.

Then autumn came and so didn't their first year anniversary. They celebrated it together walking in the park arm in arm. Later, Ryan took her out to dinner where he mostly talked work before noticing something was wrong.

"Pam what is it?"

Pam shrugged.

"Nothing…"

Ryan then looked over her shoulder and saw a young couple sitting at the table across from them. In the young woman's hands was a newborn baby. Biting his bottom lip, Ryan sighed before reaching across the table and holding her hand.

"Pam?"

Pam lifted her eyes and looked at him, he could tell something was on her mind.

"You okay?"

"Yeah…I guess I just thought…well never mind."

Ryan frowned while Pam picked at her food.

That night while Ryan was slowly kissing Pam's naked body as she laid in the darkness of their bedroom, he promised he would give her a baby…no matter how hard it was.

Another month past…and still no baby.

Pam threw down what seemed like the hundredth negative pregnancy test into the wastepaper basket and sighed. Calling her mother, right before the holidays she expressed how much this was getting her down. Ryan and her were spending Christmas in the city together since David Wallace was throwing a huge private party on Christmas eve for everyone in the city. Pam privately wanted to see her parents, but knew how stressed and overworked Ryan had been and showing up to this party meant a lot to him. Calling and talking to her mother seemed like her only real lifeline outside of the city. Lately she had been expressing how worried she had been since she hadn't gotten pregnant yet. She told her mother how hard they had been trying and how her doctor said everything seemed fine. Her mother was supportive, and told her not to worry. That when she was trying to have her it took nearly over a year. She just needed to late mother nature take its course.

After the holidays Pam was beyond depressed when she got her period. Overwhelmed, Pam sat in the living room crying when Ryan walked in. He froze when he saw her puffy red eyes.

"Pam what is it?"

Pam sat back, surrounded by tissues.

"I got my period again…I'm not pregnant."

Lowering her head, she began to weep, calling herself stupid. Ryan rushed over before strongly putting his arms on her shoulders.

"Pam look at me!"

Pam sniffled before looking at him. Ryan used his thumb to wipe her tears away before smiling.

"I'm going to the doctor's with you this month…and then we'll figure out what we're going to do."

Pam rubbed her face before giving a dry humorless laugh.

"I can't believe I'm crying over this. I never thought I would be one of those loser women who all they care about is babies and getting pregnant. This is so stupid…"

"You're not stupid Pam, don't ever say that."

"But look at me!"

"Pam…you've given so much up to follow me here. We both want a baby and I'll admit, it's weird that it hasn't happened yet. But, it's only been a few months and I'm sure once we talk to the doctor we'll figure something out."

Pam looked at him with helpless tear filled eyes. Smiling, Ryan rubbed the side of her face before hugging her.

A few weeks later Pam found herself in her doctor's waiting room. Ryan, dressed smartly in one of his suits sat beside her and nervously tapped his foot and tried keeping his hands laced together. Pam was grateful he had taken the morning off to go with her, and had tossed and turned the whole night before.

Finally the doctor called them in and sat them down to talk.

A few days before hand the doctor had ordered a few tests on Pam and Ryan. He informed them it was perfectly normal and just to check if there was anything that was causing Pam not to get pregnant. On the ride there, Pam stared out the window looking at the skyscrapers feeling scared. What if something was wrong with her? Thinking back as a little girl playing with her baby dolls, she didn't know what she would do if she found out it was because of her. A million horrible thoughts went through her mind before feeling angry. Why did this happen to her? Why was Ryan and her having such a hard time? Hadn't she had enough problems all ready?

Ryan sat beside her, his eyes serious yet on edge. The doctor smiled before sitting down.

"Well guys, I first want to tell you that you're both perfectly healthy."

Pam nervously let out a sigh of relief as the doctor went on.

"Most couples when they first decide to get pregnant have a hard time trying to conceive. Everything looks fine, but there's no baby. There's many different reasons for this, and there's plenty of things you guys can do together to make that change."

"Like what?"

Ryan asked, rubbing his chin.

"Well, I sent Pam with a packet of things but that was roughly for the beginning. Now that your having a harder time…there's targeting on when Pam is ovulating, taking your temperature, knowing when the right time of the day is best to try, different positions, life style changes, and then raising your sperm count."

Ryan sat up straighter and quickly cleared his throat.

"What?"

"Well, after running the tests we noticed your sperm count is a little under normal. Now this is typical and there's plenty of ways to change this."

Pam watched as Ryan's face dropped completely.

"Wait…what are you saying?"

"Mr. Howard, don't worry plenty of men your age suffer from this came problem and it can quickly be fixed."

Ryan shifted in his seat.

"How does this happen?"

"Well all types of different reasons…do you smoke?"

Ryan and Pam exchanged a quick glance at each other before Ryan nodded his head in shame.

In the last month or so Ryan had started smoking off and on late at night whenever he was stressed or upset. Pam really didn't like it and kept nagging him on how he would be addicted soon. Ryan shrugged it off and said between that and working out he had found a good balance to handle the extra stress work ad been giving him with the responsibility. Pam didn't like this, or how overworked Ryan had gotten. In fact in his spare time it seemed as though all he could really focus on was catching up extra with the website, or trying for the baby. Pam felt so bad for him, and wished everyone at the office would let up a little bit.

"Well I would cut down on that, also if you're not all ready wearing them, switch to boxers. Do you exercise?"

Ryan nodded.

"Great…well I would also try relaxation exercises, from the sound of it you have a stressful job. Cut down on the coffee, get plenty of rest."

"Does my diabetes have anything to do with this?"

"Oh no, just you have to maintain a normal weight and try to follow these steps…I'm sure within a few weeks the count will raise and you'll changes will double."

Handing over the packet to Ryan, the doctor kept talking while Pam spaced out and stared at the utter heartbreak and shame her husband had on his face.

That weekend, Pam had bought herself a sexy lace nightgown that Jess had recommended her to get that week when they went shopping. Brushing her hair, she smiled before walking into the bedroom. Ryan was sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in basket ball shorts and a T-shirt.

"Hey…"

Ryan turned and looked very surprised.

"Whoa, hello."

Pam smiled before walking over.

"You like it?"

Ryan looked her up and down before smiling.

"Yeah I like it a lot."

Ryan reached up, gently tugging on the hem of the nightgown before slowly bringing her down on top of him on the bed. Ryan was smiling as he held her by the hips and looked up at her. Just then he began making her lean down to kiss him, Pam stopped.

"Wait."

"What?"

"The doctor said missionary position was better."

Ryan's smile faded before he nodded.

"Yeah…okay."

Turning her around, Ryan laid on top of her and covered her with himself before he began slowly nuzzling her neck and kissing her down to her breasts. Pam smiled, laying surrounded by the pillows as she held onto his back and started tugging up his t-shirt.

"Take your pants off…"

Pam whispered.

Ryan covered her mouth with his, before his hands began holding her down as she helped him work his pants down.

A few minutes later Ryan was looking directly down at her eyes, each time he thrusted Pam held onto him tighter. They were completely silent and the sound of the city blow them seemed to echo.

A little while after when Ryan buried his head against her neck, his shoulders arching as she felt warmth go down his legs…she prayed they had just made a baby.

But a week later, she found out that wasn't the case.

Two more months past and they were still trying.

Ryan seemed exhausted all the time now, and Pam was taking only one class now. Both tried to keep themselves busy with the empty void that was growing, but it seemed as if Pam's heart would sink whenever she saw a mother with its baby, or strollers being pushed by whenever she jogged in the park.

Ryan was getting stressed out bout work and would come home later and later each night. He had stopped smoking and drinking, but David Wallace was really laying on the extra work for him. Anytime Pam tried to bring up maybe waiting for the baby idea, Ryan would shake his head and tell her that he wouldn't hear of it. In fact he would rather quit before trying to wait on getting her pregnant.

Ryan still treated her like she was the most important woman in the world, and Pam was still so much in love with him…but the stress of Pam not getting pregnant was getting to them. She noticed he was getting moody, and more on edge. Pam felt depressed, and tried reading up and buying books on anything that could help them.

Then she started to focus on ovulating. Getting a calendar, she spoke with her doctor about different tips she could learn on how to really understand what days were better than others. She figured this out with Ryan and would text him whenever her temperature was just right. Speaking with a few of her friends from class, she learned some of them did the same exact thing before they had their own kids. Pam spoke with her mother and tried not to feel so depressed about this. She knew how badly she wanted this baby and would do anything to have it. She just wanted a part of Ryan growing inside her, she wanted to be a mother and hold her baby in her arms.

Ryan of course understood it, and as embarrassed as he was at work whenever he would get a text from Pam he would make some excuse about running papers downtown and rush back to their place. Here he would quickly undo his belt and meet her in the bedroom. He spent every lunch break of his with her, and would even be looking up different things they could do late night on his laptop.

Hardly anyone knew that they were trying, but both worked as a team.

One Sunday morning, after making love and getting some work done, Ryan had asked Pam if she wanted to get some fresh air. Perking up, Pam thought that was a great idea and both found themselves an hour later walking in central park. It seemed so strange that it was going to be nearly two years since they got married in this same exact place. Both were in pretty good moods, laughing and talking before they found a bench. Both sat together, kissing, and laughing about Ryan's latest visit to Scranton.

That's when Pam asked if he wanted a soda, a guy in a cart further down one of the paths were selling some. Ryan said sure and Pam jumped up, smiling saying she would be right back. Ryan sat alone for a few minutes, first checking his messages on his blackberry before looking across at the small playground.

There he saw a young guy, maybe his age with two little kids. One was a little girl, two or three walking around and giggling. The other was a boy, around one in the guy's arms. Ryan watched as the guy playfully ran around the swings, laughing as his little girl chased him and his son tugged on his hair.

Ryan stared at them not saying a word.

That night, Pam was woken by the sound of the faint crying. Opening her eyes, at first she thought she was dreaming. Then she looked over at Ryan's bare back…she knew the cries were coming from him. Gently touching his shoulder, she felt afraid.

"Ryan?"

"It's my fault."

"What?"

"You not getting pregnant, It's me. I just can't do it."

"Don't be stupid Ryan, the doctor said it was perfect normal. There are ways to bring it back up…it will happen, it just takes time."

"Did you know David Wallace's wife is pregnant again."

Pam just laid there as her heart sank a little.

"Oh…"

She softly said.

"Yeah…again."

Both didn't say anything for a while before Pam snuggled in closer, wrapping her arms around her husband and kissing his back.

"We'll have a baby, Ryan…don't worry."

Pam was then determined to get pregnant.

One afternoon, she even exhausted Ryan who laid back on the bed completely washed out as his hair was matted down and falling in his eyes.

Pam smiled before kissing him down his ribs, she knew the more they did this the better their changes were.

"I can't…I don't have any fluids left."

Pam laughed before kissing him.

"God I can't wait to have a baby with you."

Ryan softly smiled at her before kissing back.

A few months past, which marked it was going on nearly a year of trying. Between all the different doctor visits, and failed pregnancy tests…both were tried and stressed. Ryan was jugging work, the website, and of course this. Drinking herbal teas, not having coffee, and after trying laying on her back for hours…she wanted more than anything to be pregnant before next Christmas.

And a week later…it happened.