I do not own Syfy's Alice.

Though it's really me story anyway.

Not So Mad

Ah, Carlotta St. Delaware

Even now the name itself causes me to break into a wicked smirk that, in turn, causes shrewd Alice to raise a questioning eyebrow in me direction.

Ah, Carlotta.

She was lusty, busty, and quick with a stick.

Switchblade, I think you might know 'em as.

And there was always more to her than met the eye.

Sorta like another girl I know in that respect, yeah?

Well, anyway . . . Carlotta, Carlotta.

More intricately woven into the fabric of my Wonderland existence than any tapestry in the Queen's boudoir.

And as changeling as a chameleon to boot. Without even altering her features.

And what brilliant features she had.

Dark, smooth, ebony skin. High cheekbones, bow lips, long lashes.

Brilliant green eyes, startling in their contrast to the dark rest of her.

Perfectly formed, uh, assets.

Even so, with all her loveliness, you never quite knew who she was going to be until she was there in all her glory.

A homeless street urchin, dropping all kinds of consonants like morning hotcakes. Ready to cut your throat for a song.

Or needed information.

Another time, she could parade coyly as a coutured, high class lady of the Queen's court. With flawless speech and effortless mannerisms.

And still ready for a scrap. Verbally in that guise, of course.

She could skewer most people as easily with her sharp intellect and wit than a brave knight with a ready sword.

Well, not Charlie. But some other knight, per'aps.

Always in control, always smoothly self-assured.

She was a mystery to me.

And completely unattainable.

Because whatever else she was, a Resistance fighter, a spy, a curiosity among a world of curiosities, she was always, at her core, her.

And she'd never let me touch her.

Drove me crazy during our business exchanges, that girl did.

Hug all up against you, her emerald gem eyes promising all sorts of secret delights.

Then as soon as you agreed to whatever terms of the business arrangement she would accept, she'd saunter off, leaving you and your, ahem, dangling participle alone and in a quandary in regards to what exactly had just transpired.

I managed to maintain pretty well, even if I do say so meself.

Always a challenge, it was. A relief when it was over. A bit of a disappointment as well, if I'm to be honest.

The highlight and frustration of me day.

Whatever day.

I, as it just so happened, had learned by necessity (and a good dose of fun) to be quite the charmer and flirt during interactions with clienteles who needed a little extra . . . encouragement.

But Carlotta was always better.

Always.

I remember the last time I saw her.

A secret rendezvous.

On behalf of the Resistance, o' course.

Some little hidden room in some tumble down shack. One of the countless in Wonderland.

Brought together by way of Dormy by way of Ratty by way of Dodo by way of whomever else might have been imbedded in this intricate network of Wonderlandians in league with the Resistance.

She cut a nondescript figure in her layers of mismatched, yet perfectly fitting, oddly fashionable clothing.

Nobody would notice her in a crowd.

Not unless she wanted them to.

"There's new movement in the Resistance, Hatter."

Her voice was sultry, tinged with Wonderlandish tones. But nothing anyone wouldn't forget in a second.

'Cept me. I can still hear it.

I was mere feet away and standing my ground as the mildly interested Tea Shop con-man.

"Oh yeah?"

She smiled as if she knew all the secrets in all the realms.

"Yeah. Dodo thinks the Stone of Wonderland will be returned to its rightful ownership soon."

I rolled me eyes in cynicism.

"Dodo always thinks that."

A right git he was, most of the time. Always obsessing about the Stone. About the unfairness of my cut. Sometimes I wondered if he truly cared for the refugees of Wonderland at all in his encroaching madness.

Carlotta seemed unperturbed by my lack of enthusiasm.

"Yeah, but word is Caterpillar's in agreement as well, setting about secret plans, preparing secret forces."

That got my attention.

Caterpillar? The Caterpillar?

Still, I couldn't jump up and lick her face like an overeager puppy.

She might think I was a big softie, a pushover.

Instead of a hardened Tea Shop con-man.

"Oh yeah? And what's got Caterpillar's knickers in a twist?"

Her jewel eyes glittered.

"Jack Heart. The Prince of Wonderland seems to have run off with an unknown item of priceless worth. Might be he's not as loyal to Mummy Dearest as once thought."

I scoffed.

"Really? The Prince of Hearts siding with the Resistance? I'll believe that when me eyes see it, love."

She shrugged noncommittedly.

"You never know, Hatter."

Edged herself forward, like a fluid, slinking shadow of mystery and beauty and perfection and danger.

"People have all kinds of secrets they keep buried nice and . . . deep."

The intentional emphasis on that last word did not pass me by.

She was always doing that. Turning a phrase toward something obviously inappropriate and mischievously wrapping her tendrils all over you in the process.

And now she was practically draped over me.

"What's your hidden secret, Hatter? Knight in shining top hat, are you? Well-hung consort to the Queen of Hearts maybe?"

I grimaced theatrically, stomach roiling on her last words.

"Carlotta, love, I'd rather be chopped into Jabberwock jerky than be anywhere that close to the Queen."

She chuckled lightly, clearly happy to have affected me so.

Then she rubbed her nose lightly to mine as she murmured.

"If you ever cross me, Hatter, you will be. Starting with the family jewels."

And lightly drew a blade I hadn't even noticed was there across the front of me pants, winking devilishly as she backed away, beginning to melt into the shadows.

"You know, you really ought to stop by the Shop sometime," I suggested before me mouth knew it was speaking words. "I'm sure we could find some way to . . . pass the time."

Her green eyes practically glowed as she responded impishly.

"Oh, I don't think that's something we should really be doing, Hatter. I don't believe you could handle it."

Lurid scenes of dark delights flashed through me brains, nearly frying me synapses.

"Oh, I dunno," I quipped easily, flashing me dimples at her. "I'd be willing to give it whirl if you are."

She winked at me.

"Just have yourself some chocolate and cream cake, Hatter. You'll forget all about me in no time."

Then she was gone, evaporated from me senses, nothing left but her surresshing voice.

"Bye, bye, Hatter."

I held me casual pose until I was sure she was gone.

Then I sat me shaky self down on a crate.

And tried to work out all her esoteric meanings as I willed me body calm right back down to a more presentable state.

Took a while, that.

I don't know what happened to Carlotta after the Queen's reign tumbled down like a deck of cards.

I thought about finding her to say goodbye and good luck before I left to chase after me Alice once more.

But if Carlotta doesn't want to be found, she won't be.

And more often than not, you simply have wait until she graces you with her presence.

And she never did.

I hope she's well and happy, finally free in Wonderland.

But knowing her, she's probably just getting into trouble.

Ah Carlotta, Carlotta.

Probably catch some flack from Alice for this little chapter but I promised meself I'd never lie to her. And I won't. Not even over Carlotta.

Thanks ever so much to ThatGypsyWriter for chiming in here and there. Not sure about those oven buns, but I will pass said message along. Hopefully she understand then, yeah? Thanks also to Analinea for your review and the Flamenkuch idea. Blimey, they put some odd things on pizza, don't they?

Thanks as well to adraluna-amaya for your support in me tale, love.