LORD BOSS

Chapter 11

A Slight Change of Plans

After Navyseal33's last words before disappearing from this story completely (that's right – no more of her aggravating complaints!), an eerie hush takes sway of the room. Lord Boss, with his half-eaten ruler clutched in his mangled hands, begins to bewail the loss of his ruler silently. Artery, with his idiotic smirk contorting both his two hands and face, sniggers in silence too. Oh wait – there are three items smirking. 'Both' only applies to two things, not three. Meh – I've never been one for English.

Not a word, yell or sound is uttered from Dervish, who I know is trembling with fear. Even the miniature soldiers throwing a tea party down in the fleshy depths of Vein's lavender-fragrant throat pause and the rowdiness dies away, leaving them to gaze around in fear. One of them – a lanky one with cold blue eyes like Dervish – looks me deep in my own eyes, and I try to utter a frightened whimper, as the experience is so mind-damaging, but my throat becomes clogged and I end up fighting a silent fight against whatever the hell it is choking me.

Suddenly, Vein releases me, and I stumble backward, into the table. Whoa! Since when was there a floor here? And where did all those munchkins go? Yes – the power of parodies again! Thank goodness. However, I am in for more surprises. Artery's scary smirk stretches to an extent so abnormal that he ruins my spectacular touch of alliteration.

Actually, it was my spectacular touch of alliteration.

Hey! You said you weren't going to interrupt my story until Book 3!

Oh yeah. Sorry.

God... that navy-coloured seal is terrible at maintaining her promises. Jeez.

Anyway... back to the story. I am released, and I stagger to the table. Artery's grin broadens so unnaturally that I wonder if emerging from Vein's massive, rubber jaws was a good thing. His grins snap with glee, and Lord Boss speaks, shattering the immense silence that had formerly presided over the spidery-webby (oh, God, I sound like Bill-E) room.

"Well, Grubitsch, there's been a slight change of plans. We will no longer play Urban Terror. Artery – you explain. I... I am too benevolent and compassionate to tell them," the retarded demon master declares. I snort and roll my eyes. Yeah, right – if he was benevolent and compassionate, he wouldn't be so deprived of mental capacity.

"I can't. I don't have a tongue. Thus, I am hereby unable to speak," Artery says, picking at the filthy cockroaches blowing trumpets on his scalp.

There's nothing I can do but stare.

Finally, after moments of gawking, I can utter words.

"But... but... you just spoke, you stupid creature!" I exclaim, flabbergasted. "And... I thought you were Vein!"

"I told you, we switch around sometimes! And jeez, stop being such a... such a picky-picky. I mean, just a few minutes ago, you were complaining about how we could speak. So you know what Artery and I did? Yep, we took your suggestion into consideration, and decided that, you know what, if this fussy little kid doesn't like our ability to speak, we won't speak. But now you go on ranting about how we can speak. God – we stopped, as you requested. What more do you want?" Artery retorted. That merely sparks more confusion into my brain.

"Huh? But I thought you were Artery, and that thing was Vein!" is all I can splutter. Artery glares with his unearthly fire eyes, and I can almost feel the overpowering heat.

"Yeah? Well, you do a lot of thinking, don't you? Well, I think that I've made this simple thing clear: Vein. And. I. Switch. Around. A. Lot. God – stop discriminating against Artery and I just because we like revolution!"

Well, now I am completely mind-boggled. I wave my arms about, flustered.

"But you just said that you were... and she was... and that... AGH! Somebody – KILL ME NOW! I CAN'T LIVE IN A HORRIBLE WORLD LIKE THIS!" I yell in desperation, weeping and sobbing with sheer terror and despair.

Vein's beady black eyes light up.

"With pleasure!" she declares in her stereotypical popular-girl voice.

"What? No!" I protest. "Not literally!"

Lord Boss intervenes.

"Well, too bad, he says," I've conjured, "an idea already."

He glances at what was just typed and giggles.

"Oh look!" he announces, "I've got my punctuation all jumbled!"

There's nothing I can manage but a simple, forceful face-palm.

"So what is it, then?" Dervish demands, moving on. "What's this new plan you've conjured?"

Something tells me it isn't going to be a very nice plan.

My hypothesis is proven right when Lord Boss' face distorts into something that could be perceived as a mysterious grin, only the demon's face is so distorted and ugly that I'd advise not to look at it.

"Oh yes," he says coyly, "my new plan. It's about Minecraft."

I think that maybe it's not going to turn out that badly, since its Minecraft.

"There's a new map. It's called Hell's Array. By an unknown creator. And I want you -" Lord Boss points at Dervish and me so suddenly that his finger flies off and my uncle utters a terrified yelp and dodges the hurtling twist of doughy stuff and bone and blood.

"- to compete against me in it."

"No," Dervish argues straightaway, "so not happening."

"Why not?" I demand. "It sounds like fun."

"No!" Dervish repeats, only much harsher. He gives me a pleading glance. "Remember the so-called 'reward'?"

Oh right. Bill-E being healed from his werewolf shape. A shame, really, if we win, because a werewolf Bill-E would be far better than a human one. I mean really! Perhaps the werewolf could devour all of those horrible beasts - Badgery, Hedgyhoggy and Swanny.

"Well," I huff mutinously, "it's your own fault for not shooting him with a real gun."

"So what is it?" Lord Boss smirks, a little too eagerly. Judging by the uncanny simper deforming his face even further, perhaps this deal isn't worth agreeing too. I turn to Dervish, to change my mind and say no, before that load of mangled crap replies without even hearing our say.

"Brilliant!" Lord Boss gasps in delight. "Why don't we begin?"

Suddenly, the webs disappear, as do everything else (except for Lord Boss, Dervish, Artery, Vein and I), and, in a dazzling array of blending, careening colours, we wind up in the cellar, where computers and laptops lie open and ready on desks. The cellar is dark, illuminated only by the luminosity of the screens.

Dervish's eyes bulge in surprise.

"No!" he protests. "Not my prize iMac! It's massive! It's mine!"

Lord Boss's cranberry eyes shoot towards the iMac – literally. They bound out of the sockets like bullets drenched with blood, and splat against the screen of the iMac, creating a red splotch. I peer closer, and soon I realise that his eyes actually are cranberries.

"Oh my!" Lord Boss gasps. "It is indeed! Ooh – I choose the iMac, I choose the iMac!"
He rushes for it, and would have smashed it to smithereens if it weren't for Dervish jerking him back.

"No!" he spits. "It's mine! All mine! It's my precious! My ..."

His voice drones on, freaking me out a bit. Dervish glimpses my unnerved stare, and shrugs in defence.

"What?" he says. "I liked The Hobbit when I was a kid."

He turns back to Lord Boss.

"Since this iMac is my , I'm using it. There. End of argument."

But Lord Boss doesn't seem to think so.

"But... but I'm the guest!" he declares in desperation. "So I get to use it!"

Dervish snorts.

"I don't think you will," he counters coldly. Lord Boss glowers with his bloody sockets, and soon it dawns on me that Lord Boss thinks that he will do what Dervish thinks that he won't do.

And all I can say is that the next few chapters will be HELL.

A/N: Well, here's the next chapter. Obviously. Well... maybe 'obviously' wasn't necessary. For all you know, I might decide to post the first chapter, to add to the stupidity. But I won't do that – I'm far too nice to have my readers suffer intense pain from the stupidity from my stories.

Anyway, moving on. I'll try to upload the next chapter next week. By the way, there are only approximately four or five chapters until this story is concluded. But if you liked Lord Boss, or if you merely like ultimate stupidity in stories, I recommend the sequel, which will, obviously, come out after the last chapter of Lord Boss. Maybe at the same time, even. The sequel is named 'Popcorn Thief' – that's all I will disclose of my intricate, utterly retarded and outlandish sequel.