Shepard allowed herself a large smirk as she leaned back in her chair in the common room. Everything was set and perfect; by tonight, everything will have been accomplished and the stage will be set, just as she had imagined that it would.
Frankly she was astounded that she was actually going through with this. When the idea had been presented to her by Kelly- because, of course, who else on the Normandy would think up an idea like this? - she as well as almost everyone else that Kelly proposed had shot it down almost instantly. But after some thought, she had decided that it might actually be a good idea. And what was even more surprising was that once she explained out her idea and her logic, the others had quickly agreed too. All in a day of being a persuasive commander and the Saviour of the Universe.
Good publicity my well-toned ass! This team probably didn't need any more publicity than they already had after everything they'd done in the past couple of months; Kelly had most likely thought that up in a flash when Shepard had asked her in disbelief as to what possible reason she could have for thinking up something like that. Still, it had been surprisingly easy and fun to do- not to mention the fact that it would probably make Garrus pass out- which was alright as long as the turian woke up in time to reap the benefits of Shepard's intentions. Come to think of it, she imagined just about every male on board would reap the benefits- providing they could tell themselves how to breathe after the first experience.
As she sipped her well-deserved shot of tequila, she surveyed the rest of her companions around the table. "Well?" She said expectantly. "What do you think?"
Miranda, smirking and settling back with her own drink remarked, "Oh, I definitely think we've got everything primed and ready to go."
"You're really going through with this?"
"Yes. Normally I wouldn't have even considered doing anything of the sort, but leaving Cerberus tends to leave a rather… liberalizing sense in you that sets your spirit free."
"Yeah, it'll drive the Illusive Man crazy, won't it?"
"Probably, but I was thinking of driving someone else crazy in a very… different way." She wagged her eyebrows suggestively.
"I'm sure he'll be thrilled to experience it- right after he hauls his jaw up off the floor. Thanks for lending me your dress, Kelly. It was a great idea of yours."
The yeoman beamed. "I told you it would be! There's nothing better for the greatest team in the galaxy to do than sit back and let your spirit fly high! After everything we've done and been through, I figure the best thing to do right now is just be able to take in the moment and let ourselves go wild!"
"Well if there's anyone that knows how to go wild Kelly, it'd probably be you. So who did you have in mind when you were pulling off all those poses?"
Kelly shrugged. "I'm not sure. I mean, I've always had a weakness for men with scars but I figured the one I had in mind was taken…"
"Very good decision."
"And that lone shark assassin look Thane's got going is a really turn on…"
"Which is fully occupied at the moment- of that I can assure you, Miss Chambers." Samara's calm yet firm voice from the other end of the table reminded the yeoman of the justicar's might and presence.
"Uh… yeah of course! I knew that! So I'm not really sure. I guess I'll have to wait and see."
"You're not alone." Tali remarked beside her. "I really don't know how my own situation will turn out. I mean, it's not like there's any big deal about me or any interest about me…"
"Are you kidding?" Kelly cried incredulously. "Tali, in case you didn't know you're practically the main topic of the scuttlebutt every night! All the guys go on and on about your curvy hips and your sexy accent and that…" She gestured with her hands dramatically. "That mysteriousness around you! Every one of them is dying to know what you look like under that helmet. Didn't you know? The first thing out of everyone's mouth when they come in at the beginning of their rotation is 'has anyone figured out what Tali looks like yet'? Guys are nuts about you!"
Though she couldn't be certain, Shepard imagined that the way the quarian looked away quickly indicated she was blushing under that helmet. And frankly, Kelly had been right; Tali's face was a hot topic, especially amongst the males of the crew. Even Garrus had casually thrown out the topic one evening, though he covered it well enough by saying that if he could ever see her face, he hoped it would be as 'physically endearing', as the turian had put it, as Shepard's.
"In my experience, men don't care about the mysteriousness about you or any of that cosy, lovey-dovey shit." Jack said brusquely. "All they care about is how big your tits are, how well you shake your ass and how they can stick their dick into you."
"Jack!" Kelly cried out.
The biotic turned to her. "What? That's the truth. No guy just wants to be with you just 'cause they think you're sweet or whatever. They want something out of you. Everyone wants something out of you."
"Well, I don't believe that." Kelly said firmly. "I believe that for everyone in the galaxy, there is someone else out there for them- a soul mate. And it doesn't matter which species or gender it is- all that matters is that they love each other and that's all!"
Jack snorted and shook her head. Shepard, consumed by curiosity asked, "If you feel that way Jack, why did you agree to take part in this?"
Jack shrugged. "I figured enough of the galaxy's seen me in that state that it doesn't really matter. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to show the trillions of other men out there what a real woman looks like- and what would kill them if they ever tried their luck."
"Plus it'll probably give certain men multiple heart attacks- at the same time." Miranda said, giving a damn good wink.
"Hey, at least he'll still be alive the end of it, cheerleader. Which is more than I can say for your man; the way I figure it, he'll be dead after just looking at the cover!"
"Don't count on it. I had the opportunity to test his… stamina not so long ago and I assure you that his heart is perfectly strong enough for this. It had to have been- considering the last time we 'met up' in the engine room."
"Well, we all appreciate you being a good sport, Jack." Kelly said appreciatively. "And it's all for a good cause- raising awareness of the diversity of the universe and the necessity of being able to appreciate the beauty of every species. Not to mention seeing certain men's reactions aboard the Normandy." She giggled.
"Amen to that." Shepard raised her glass. "The things we do for the galaxy."
The other occupants of the table raised their glasses in mock toasts as well.
"And for the results they hopefully produce on board." Kelly added, grinning widely.
ME
When Jacob stepped out of the Armoury that evening, he was by no means sorry to be finished for the day. Twelve straight hours of cleaning and checking weapons over and over, as if they were going to fall apart at the slightest sign of a stain. He'd had enough to the point where he would willingly take on a Thresher Maw single-handedly rather than clean another rifle. He settled for grabbing a cup of coffee from the mess area- if the crap that Gardner made and then left out all day could be described as 'coffee'.
His attention was drawn to the numerous thin packages on the break table and he immediately felt his mood lighten; the newest issue of Galactic Monthly Magazine had finally arrived and the ex-Cerberus soldier was looking forward to catching up on what was new in the universe. The mission to take down the Collectors had pretty much taken away from any chance he might have had to catch up on some light reading. He was meaning to make up for lost time.
Casually, he picked up one of the packages and slid it open. Not paying too much attention, he extracted the magazine and as he looked down on the cover, he took a casual sip of coffee.
Which he promptly sprayed out across the room.
The coffee cup fell from his hand and crashed on the floor, but he didn't even hear it. He couldn't hear anything at that moment.
It wasn't the magazine itself as much as it was the cover of the magazine that grabbed his attention. More specifically, it was who was on the cover that grabbed his attention and locked it in place.
A creamy white, sexy, smooth, curvy, naked back.
That back belonged to a woman who was sitting in a chair facing away from the camera. She was looking over her shoulder, a smirk-like smile on her face with her long black hair curling over the sides of her face and down the upper portion of her back. Her body was positioned just so that just a fraction of one of her perky, perfect breasts could be seen. A highly seductive and familiar wink shone out at him- that and the fact that her entire body was covered by a thin, bright blue biotic aura.
Miranda.
Under the main magazine title, jumping out in big bold letters, was the phrase: MASSEXY EFFECT.
Jacob gaped at the picture on the cover. Though he had seen Miranda naked quite a few times before in person he had never, in his wildest dreams, believed she could look so good. She looked really good. Better than he had ever imagined. He knew Miranda had been engineered to be perfect, but right now, in his mind, she was perfect- not a single flaw to be had. The Illusive Man was going to have a damn coronary when he saw this!
Swallowing hard, listening to his own heartbeat pounding in his ears, he slowly opened the magazine up to the editor's note on the front inside flap.
Dear beloved readers from across the galaxy,
In order to ensure our faithful audience the best possible quality we here at Galactic Monthly can provide, this month's issue will be dedicated to the branching out and exploration of the natural beauty of the female species. Which species, you ask? All of them! In order to accomplish this, GMM has enlisted the help of multiple time war hero and Saviour of the Galaxy Commander Shepard and her strong, illustrious crew of the SSV Normandy SR-2 and will be presenting to you the finest shots of the female members of this elite team. We hope that this will allow our readers to experience first hand the extent of the most beautiful women in the galaxy, who kick ass and do damn good job at it, so here we present to you the finest in galactic sexiness.
Heads above the stars,
The Editor
Well this was something he definitely wasn't expecting. How in the hell had Miranda even managed to get that picture done? He couldn't remember a time when she could have occupied herself with this. Then again, this was Miranda, and if she wanted to do something then it got done. And he was all the happier for it.
He turned the page and froze, gaping down at the picture.
Shepard. In the forward batteries…
Garrus was going to have a heart attack! He was going to have a heart attack! Hell, every damn male on the ship was probably going to be dead by the morning!
The commander was leaning up against the control panel of the ship's forward batteries where Garrus was usually found, a sultry, suggestive look on her face. In the place of her usual ship wear, she had a low-cut, tight fitting red dress, which seemed to emphasize the one curvy leg she had leaning up against the back platform. Her smoking heavy pistol in hand, her eyes seemed to take on a hungry, seductive predator-like look. She looked phenomenal.
In a suddenly wild gesture, he quickly flipped to the centre fold.
And almost fell onto the floor.
Miranda. Again. In the engine room.
He felt his mouth go completely dry.
The ex-Cerberus operative was crouched on the ground with one leg stretched out to the side. She was wearing her black alternate uniform which seemed to hug more curves than he ever remembered her having. Her dark hair had a distinct shine to it and it fell loosely over her face, giving her a definite wild, ready to go wild in bed look. He hands hung loosely between her legs; there, at the tips of her fingers, were a distinct blue crackle.
That drove Jacob over the edge.
Screw this. He flung the magazine down onto the table and made a beeline for Miranda's office.
Miranda sat at her desk, staring down at the cover of the latest issue of Galactic Monthly. The shoot had gone extremely well and she could say that she was extremely happy with the result. Her attention was distracted by the whoosh of her door opening and she looked up to see Jacob striding in with a purpose.
She raised an eyebrow. "Jacob, what can I do for…"
She never got the 'you' part out as Jacob quickly and unexpectedly swept her up out her chair and into his arms, pressing his mouth against hers in a crushing kiss.
Miranda had definitely not expected something like this to happen so soon, but if she said that she didn't want it or wanted him to stop, she'd definitely be lying. She quickly returned the kiss, wrapping her arms and legs around Jacob's muscular body and allowing herself to be pushed into the bedroom. As the two hit the bed, she reached out blindly with her hand and felt around until she found the switch for her office door.
The light on the door outside promptly turned red.
ME
By the time Garrus strode out of the forward batteries room about two hours later, he could definitely sense something was different. The commons room was full- not a big surprise there really- but it was alive. Like, really alive. Like, buzzing. Everywhere he looked, crew members, mostly men, were huddled in small groups murmuring feverishly under their breath. He strode to the nearest table where Joker was seated; a shocked expression was plastered on the pilot's face as he stared off into the distance.
"Joker? What's going on here?"
Joker stared to look at him, his mouth wide open in shock. Garrus spied a magazine on the top of the table and quickly snatched it up, intending on getting to the bottom of the mystery just like he did back in C-Sec. His eyes widened and his eyepiece whirled excitedly as he stared at the sight at an (even more so than usual) scantily-clad Miranda on the cover.
MASSEXY EFFECT.
What the hell?
He flipped the magazine open to the first page and stopped dead in his tracks.
Shepard. Dress. Forward Batteries.
Gahhhhhh!
He swallowed hard before flicking through the rest of the magazine.
Shepard…
Miranda…
Tali!
Gabby?
Kelly!
Miranda…
JACK?
Dr. CHAKWAS?
Tali! Taking off her mask!
Shepard…
Samara…
Shepard!
Holy mother of Palaven!
Reaching the centre fold, his muscles went weak and he almost fell down.
Shepard. Dancing. In the red dress.
The commander was striking a pose very similar to the one that the dancers back in Afterlife on Omega did when they had finished up a dance. He knew that Shepard was flexible but never had he known she was that flexible!
Jack. With a biotic shield. In the engine room. Was she crazy? Wait… never mind.
Tali. With his sniper rifle. It was his; he'd recognize it anywhere! When the hell did she get that?
He came to the last page in the magazine. This time, he really did fall down.
Shepard. In her bed. Naked.
Garrus momentarily forgot how to breathe. He sat on the ground, sucking air, as his brain tried to get back on track.
Shepard was kneeling on her bed, facing away from the camera, her exposed back and bare ass shining out for the entire galaxy to see. She had on her face the most seductive look yet as she looked over her shoulder towards the camera. That smirk. She was holding her assault rifle in both hands pointing at the ceiling, one finger on the trigger, the other hand caressing the barrel like a…
Gahhhhhhhh!
He threw the magazine to the side, willing himself to get under control. Looking up towards the corridor, he saw her and froze up entirely. She gave him a smirk- that smirk- before slowly walking out of view towards the elevator. Almost unconsciously, he sprang to his feet and chased after her, only to see the elevator doors close in his face. For once in his life, he cursed the improved speed of the elevator over the one in the previous Normandy.
This was something he did not want to wait for.
ME
Shepard was still smirking as she stepped into her private quarters. She'd given Garrus quite a shock alright. He'd read the magazine; there was no question of that considering the shocked, gaping expression on the turian's face. It was indeed cruel of her to leave him hanging on the crew deck like that- not that he should be hanging at all by now, she mused- but it added to the sexual tension and would provide for an even bigger explosion when he got up here.
Oh, he'd be up here shortly alright. Just like all the other males on the ship, the magazine photos had driven him crazy, and she was already seeing the effects of it all over the ship. She'd figured it had begun when she noticed that the door to Miranda's office had been locked for two straight hours. Good thing I ordered the interior of the ship to be resistant to explosive biotic flashes, she though amusedly. Miranda and Jacob together would account for one hell of an explosion. She'd seen Thane follow Samara into the Starboard Observation Deck and was pretty sure that the speed with which the door locked was an indication that the assassin and the justicar were once again on good terms.
And that was just the beginning. On her inspection of the engineering deck, after busting but not stopping Ken and Gabby in a wild engine room session, she'd heard the loudest, wildest roars she'd ever heard coming from just below her feet and quickly deduced them to be a combination of Jack and Grunt. Shepard wasn't sure what exactly was going on down there, nor did she want to know, and promptly left the level as quickly as possible. She got another disturbing encounter when she passed the Med Bay and saw Mess Sergeant Gardner and Dr. Chakwas in a slightly less than professional medical position. It surprised her somewhat to see the door to the AI Core locked again, but then remembered that she hadn't to see Tali in the engine room, and had a sneaking suspicion that the magazine had made Legion feel a little less synthetic. Shepard only prayed that what was going on in there wouldn't require too big a mess to clean up later; put two tech experts in a room in this situation and the sparks could really fly. And it was just a guess on her part, but she had a feeling that right now, with everything else happening around him, Joker was wishing that EDI was more than just an AI with an avatar. Poor Joker.
As for Kelly, Shepard had seen her stride into Mordin's lab; that had been three hours ago, and she doubted even Mordin could talk about diseases and cures that long. She shook her head in amusement; Kelly loved every single species in the galaxy, and the mere possibility that she could arouse any kind of sexual feelings in Mordin was a testament to just how determined she was to put her body on the line- literally- for improving interspecies relationships. Oh Kelly.
The door to her quarters opened and in strode Garrus, looking very flustered and panicked. "Shepard, what the hell's going on here? There's a group of men waiting for the use of the elevator to come up to your quarters!"
Shepard raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. "They're not coming up here to receive sexual favours if that's what you're worried about, Garrus."
Garrus glared at her. Why, oh why, did she have to mention sex? He felt himself begin lose control of his body again.
"By your attitude and actions, I'll take it as a sign that you've seen this month's edition of Galactic Monthly."
Garrus cleared his throat loudly. "Very, uh… intriguing, commander."
Shepard raised another eyebrow. "Intriguing? I show my ass to the entire galaxy for hours on end and all you can say is that you find it 'intriguing'?"
"I wasn't expecting to see that. You caught me off guard."
Shepard smirked. "But I can see the effect it's having on you right now."
Garrus looked away embarrassed and Shepard chuckled at his awkwardness. It was really cute to watch. "How did you come up with this, uh… idea?" The turian asked.
"Kelly. She thought it would go a long way in improving interspecies relations. And given what's happening all over the ship at this very moment, I can't say I disagree."
"Building interspecies relations is something you're already good at!" Garrus protested. "Was it really necessary to… to… expose yourself to the whole galaxy like that?"
Shepard smirked again. "Getting a little possessive are we, Garrus?"
Garrus' mouth opened and closed several times. How the hell was he to respond to that? Shepard slowly took a few steps towards him. He watched enthralled as she approached- her shirt had suddenly in the last few minutes become practically see-through, and aggressively hugged every one of her many curves. His mouth opened slightly in anticipation, staring at her figure.
Which stunned him long enough for Shepard to stuff a red rose in his mouth, pass his face over with her omni-tool and remove it all in the space of three seconds.
Garrus spluttered. "Shepard! What was all that about?"
Shepard smirked. "That was me snapping a pretty picture of you with my omni-tool, Officer Vakarian. One press of the button and this'll go all over the extranet."
Garrus gaped at her in disbelief. "You- you wouldn't do that, would you?"
"Oh yes, I would." Shepard smiled. "I'd really love to see the blog comments about the macho Garrus Vakarian with a pretty little flower in his mouth. I'm sure it'd break the extranet blog record. Unless…" Her eyes gleamed mischievously. "You can come up with a way to convince me to withhold this image."
"And, uh…" Garrus fumbled, sweating, "exactly how would I do that, commander?"
She wagged her brows suggestively. "Oh, I'm sure you'll think of something." She placed the rose in her own mouth, so she was biting onto the stem with the actual flower sticking out seductively of the side of her mouth.
That was all it took. Shepard let out a muffled cry of pleasure as Garrus picked her up and tackled her onto the bed, covering her body with his.
Shepard grinned as her eyes rolled back in her head and a feeling of pleasure washed over her. This was definitely way better than any shore leave the team could take.
She thought of the picture she had snapped of Garrus; yeah, it had been slightly cruel of her to use it to blackmail Garrus into getting what she wanted, but the more she thought about it the more she believed it wasn't such a bad thing after all.
You know, that picture's not so bad after all. It's kind of sweet; shows the soft, sensitive side of a turian rebel. That's something you don't see every day. And come to think of it, a lot of women would go crazy over it.
Shepard allowed herself another mischievous grin. Maybe tomorrow she could contact the editor of GMM- let him know how well the issue turned out.
And at the same time tell him that she has a great photo for the cover of next month's issue.
A/N: Total crack fic, but totally fun doing. Longest chapter yet! And also one of the most fun! What do you think? Please review!