Akatsuki Fundraising Committee Meeting
Pein sat in the meeting room, waiting.
The door opened and the members of his organisation entered quietly, arranging themselves around the table. Kakuzu was the first to take a seat followed by Kisame, three down from him on the left and Zetsu on the opposite side of the table.
Hidan took his seat opposite the Leader, his usual seat because he felt it best represented his opposition to the Leader's ethics and mission in life. The fact that he had to drag a chair around to the end of the table to sit there, every single time, did not faze him. Pein's emotionless façade cracked as his eyebrow twitched but, as usual, Hidan ignored it.
Deidara, without looking at anyone, walked quickly around the table and sat between Zetsu and Pein. This was unusual as he would usually sit near Hidan, sulking that the Leader had denied him a chance to blow something up. More unusual was that Itachi swept into the room, walked passed Kisame and sat himself next to Pein and Deidara. That Deidara did little more than grimace at his vicinity, was evidence that something had gone very, very wrong.
Pein cleared his throat to begin but was interrupted, before he could start, by the entrance of Tobi. He was carrying a number of boxes with highly decorative red clouds on them and puffing. Everyone watched in surprise as Hidan stood up and moved out of the way, helping Tobi place the boxes on the table and arrange them neatly.
"What is this?" Pein asked, once he'd recovered from his shock.
"The results of the latest money making scheme." Konan announced as she walked into the room with a folder of paperwork opened in front of her. She also had a black package under one arm and a glasses case in her other hand. She sat next to Pein, opposite Itachi and handed the Uchiha the case. The package was placed on the table, and did not spontaneously combust, though Deidara was glaring at it viciously. The folder was laid before the Leader for his perusal.
Pein opened his mouth to ask what was in the boxes when Tobi opened one and the smell of baked goods filled the room. Deidara's glare moved from the package to the boxes, Zetsu hummed appreciatively, Kakuzu crossed his arms, Kisame looked sheepish and Hidan smirked in triumph and pride.
Taking in all the varied reactions, Pein turned to Itachi who was trying out the glasses and looking everywhere in the room except at the other people.
"Itachi?"
"Yes?"
"What happened yesterday?"
"OI! Why're you asking him?" Hidan hollered from the other end of the table, annoyed that his triumph was being interrupted and/or ignored.
"Aw, Hidan, don't be mad! Have a biscuit!" Tobi said, holding a box up in front of him and waving it around.
"You aren't actually going to eat those, are you?" Kisame asked, with a worried grin.
"What's wrong with them?" Hidan demanded angrily.
"You cooked them." Kakuzu replied gruffly.
As Hidan went off on one of his rants, Konan leaned over and quietly asked, "If you suspected they were inedible, why would you sell them?"
"The box reads, "There will be no refund for death or illness resulting from the consumption of the contents." Kakuzu answered, holding up a box and pointing to the print.
Konan leaned closer, asked Itachi for his glasses, leaned in further, then sat back and conceded, "So it does."
This small exchange only spurred Hidan on and his rant reached new heights of vulgarity and affront.
"Someone explain to me what happened." Pein called over the cacophony.
"Tobi gave Hidan a cooking lesson, the result of which is on the table." White Zetsu stated calmly.
"And there's absolutely nothing wrong with them." Hidan proclaimed, taking a large bite out one of the biscuits. Everyone watched him for the next minute, but when it became obvious that they were not rid of him yet, their attention turned back to Zetsu who continued the commentary.
"The idea was to sell the biscuits to…"
"…unsuspecting…"
"…members of the public."
"What do you mean, "unsuspecting"?" Hidan demanded, speaking through another biscuit he'd shoved into his mouth. Konan looked away in disgust.
"And this failed, because?" Pein queried.
"Because of this." Konan said, reaching for the package. As one, Itachi and Deidara leaned forward and shouted "Don't open it!"
"How dare you! Those are masterpieces!" Kakuzu growled.
"I'll make them masterpieces!" Deidara snarled back, moving to stand up. Itachi placed a calming hand on his arm and, though he shook it off, Deidara returned to his seat.
"What are "they"?" Pein asked, growing frustrated.
"Pretty little dresses for the pretty little girls." Hidan sneered, before taking another biscuit and turning to Tobi, "These really are quite good!"
It was a good thing he'd turned because, had he caught Itachi's glare, he would have been experiencing great pain without any of his usual benefits. (That is, no sacrifice, no pleasing Jashin, no satisfaction…)
While their attention was focussed elsewhere, Konan unwrapped the package and pulled out the uniforms Kakuzu had created. Pein eyed them critically before shooting a glance at the two youngest men in the room, who had recoiled in disgust. He turned to Kakuzu.
"You realise that those outfits are inappropriate for individuals employed by this organization."
Itachi and Deidara glared at him.
"Not to mention completely unsuitable for their personalities and gender."
Kakuzu remained unrepentant, but attention was drawn away from him, and the two currently sending mental death threats his way, when Kisame stood up, snatched the box of biscuits away from Hidan and held them above his head.
"Stop eating them!" He ordered, "You're making me sick!"
Hidan's look of confusion changed to malicious glee as he shoved the biscuit in his hand into his mouth and chewed it with his mouth open.
"Tobi made sure that Hidan added no new ingredients." Tobi announced happily, his legs swinging from his chair. (Though how he managed this when his feet could quite easily touch the floor was beyond comprehension) "The biscuits are completely safe for human consumption."
Hidan crossed his arms, sitting back in his seat with a look of smug satisfaction on his face, still chewing the last of the biscuit.
"As are the cakes, slices, loaves and sponge rolls."
Hidan's grin disappeared and he turned on the orange masked man and whispered threateningly, "You promised not to tell anyone!"
"But Mr Zetsu already knew." Tobi said, not at all concerned that painful death was sitting just around the corner of the table. "And he said the only way Mr Kakuzu was going to get out of trouble because of the dresses was if we offered them to Mr Leader."
Zetsu inclined his head to Tobi who was currently being glared at by Kakuzu. Then he turned on Hidan, with something akin to incandescent rage.
"You made more food! You bought more ingredients! YOU USED MORE MONEY!"
It took quite a while to calm things down but Konan finally managed it and, once all attention was on her, she turned to Pein to call judgement.
"All baked goods are confiscated." He announced, sending a meaningful look at Hidan who was reaching for another box. "That means no more snacking on them. They are to be sold and the money is to be turned over to Kakuzu."
"Where it rightfully belongs." Kakuzu muttered, though he was somewhat mollified.
"Kakuzu, it is not your money. It belongs to the organization."
Kisame raised his hand.
"Yes, Kisame? You have a question?"
"Are you sure that's a wise idea? Selling stuff that Hidan made, to the general populace?" He continued ignoring Hidan's shout of outrage and Tobi's assurances that the food was perfectly edible. "I mean, the only reason he hasn't died yet is because he's technically a zombie, and therefore mostly dead. Not to mention criminally insane."
"Kisame, insanity does not protect one from poison." Pein stated, rubbing his forehead as if he had a headache, "Also one cannot be mostly dead."
"Zombie boy here demonstrates otherwise." Kisame disagreed.
"Besides," Konan spoke up, brandishing one of the biscuit boxes, "As Kakuzu has already pointed out, we won't be liable if anyone does die from eating them."
"All in agreement?" Pein looked around the table. Kakuzu raised his hand in the hopes they could recoup their losses, and Zetsu raised his hand because he had no objections and no opinion on most of the meeting's agenda. Tobi was waving his arm in the air to show his enthusiasm and had raised Hidan's arm as well, though he was still sulking because his biscuits had been taken away. Itachi whispered a quick question to Pein who shook his head. He turned to Deidara and the two nodded and raised their hands as well.
All eyes were now on Kisame, though the majority of the group had agreed. Kisame was still holding out, since the food was from dubious origins, but he grudgingly gave in.
"Then, by unanimous vote, we will be holding a bake sale. Dismissed."
Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #12
The following morning, the sky cleared and a stall appeared on the clean streets of Amegakure. As the townsfolk stepped hesitantly into the sunshine, they beheld a wonder of greater magnitude than the sunlight dancing on the wet surfaces.
Tobi must have spent all night building the stall. Either that or he was surprised with it in the morning and some merchant, somewhere, was missing their stall. The banner overhead read: "Red Dawn Cakes" and Tobi sat behind a wide array and assortment of cakes, slices, loaves and biscuits.
Business was pretty slow to begin with, but all of a sudden there were people coming from all directions, exclaiming over the designs and buying food.
And it had nothing to do with the presence of Kisame, Kakuzu, Hidan and Zetsu on the street corners of the village, directing traffic.
Akatsuki Bake Sale: Success