Disclaimer: They aren't man. They belong to a man by the name of Dick Wolf and his mommy didn't teach him to share.

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Today was the day, the day he had been coldly dreading for almost a week. On the front steps of St Michael's he stood lost, dejected, and alone. Liv being gone wasn't the only life altering thing that had happened in the past 10 days. Shoving his hands in his pockets, Elliot sighed and let the memories wash over him. Anything, he thought to himself, to put off going inside if only for a few minutes longer.

He thought back to the day his memory came back. He should have been ashamed at how his colleagues found him that day. He was crying un-ashamedly on his hospital bed but they were also his friends and could understand why he was doing it. They all had a connection with Liv, but they all also knew that he and Liv had one they couldn't touch or comprehend. It was special. After they had left a cold and distant Kathy came into his room. He would never forget the words that she spoke next. They had shattered anything he had once or ever felt for her. They shattered what was left of his heart and soul. They had taken what little he had left and left ashes in their wake.

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"So I guess you are going to curl up and forget us now aren't you Elliot." She had asked

"What are you talking about Kath? Where have you been? I needed you."

"That is a fine question coming from you Elliot Stabler. Where I have been is none of your concern, I heard some of the details of your shooting Elliot. I know where you were and I have an idea why. I will tell you this. I am glad that bitch is gone. I tried not to hate her Elliot I really did but even a blind person could tell you loved her. Maybe now that she is gone you can go back to being with your children and your wife. You belong to me Elliot. You always have and I refuse to share you with anyone else especially not with the ghost of your precious Olivia. Make your decision El, what's it going to be. Would you rather have your precious memories of that tramp or your family?"

"Olivia is NOT a tramp!" He yelled."I am so tired of repeating myself Kathy. Olivia and I have never done anything like that. She is my partner and my best friend. She kept me together when we were separated. Hell Kathy she even saved your life and Eli's too! You can't keep blaming her. She has done nothing wrong. Olivia is someone I know I can count on, someone we can count on. She saved your life."

"You are forgetting something Elliot."

"What?"

"She's dead El. Gone. She is one of the dearly departed. I can't take being second best anymore El. It isn't fair to me."

"Isn't fair to you? What about what was fair to me? What about what I wanted? I don't recall ever getting a choice Kathy. If I had I would never have. . ."

"Never have what? Come home? "

" I was just figuring things out what I wanted and where I wanted to be and then you got pregnant."



"I didn't get pregnant by myself you know. It takes two." She interrupted him angrily. "What had you just figured out El?"

"Quit calling me that! Only she calls me that. I had just figured out what I was supposed to do and that I lo. . that I lov. . "

"That you loved her? That you loved Olivia?"

"Yes, that I love her. She has never tried to change me Kathy. I was always just fine the way I was to her. I was angry and hateful and spiteful and she still came to work every day. She still had my back."

"So that is how it's going to be? Elliot she is dead. She isn't coming back."

"I know that Kathy but it doesn't change that I love her. You should have someone who loves you so much that it completes you, calms you, and lets you grow. We stopped growing together a long time ago. Somewhere along the way we stopped loving and simply started to just exist together. The best thing I can do for any of us now is to let you go. Find someone who makes you happy Kath."

"You son of a bitch. Do you think it's that easy? Do you think I will just let you walk away. I wasted 20 years of my life Elliot. 20 years I can't get back."

"I am sorry Kath. It has to be this way. We would never be happy any other way."

"You mean you wouldn't be happy any other way. Fine. Have it your way. My lawyer will be in touch."

He gave her a slight nod in acceptance. She turned to leave and as she opened the door she turned and tossed out the words that shattered his remaining heart.

"Just don't expect to see your kids anytime soon."

Man how life had changed. Just two weeks ago he was sitting across from her having coffee and joking. Now here he was standing outside of this church fighting with reality. If he went inside it was real and he couldn't take it yet. Yep, as long as he stood out here everything would be ok. He could pretend that his world hadn't lost all color or meaning. He glanced down at his shoes and began kicking a pebble around. He was startled out of his trance moments later.

"Hey daddy!" he heard and snapped his head up. The sight that greeted his uplifted face brought tears to his eyes. Standing before him were four of his five children and nothing could have been more beautiful. . Well her being here could have made it better.

"Mo, Lizzie, Dickie, Kathleen, what are you doing here? Your mother said that you guys. . . "

"Dad relax, we are old enough to decide for ourselves how we spend our time. There isn't a judge in the state who would forbid us from seeing you. "Maureen said stepping forward and grasping her father's hand.



"Yeah dad we aren't babies anymore." Dickie said on a grin "Besides we heard the Stabler distress signal and turned out in force."

"I love you guys. I don't think I tell you that enough. I wish I were a better father. One that you guys really deserved. I don't deserve any of you little treasures." He said smiling half heartedly.

"You have been the best dad we could have ever asked for. We always knew you loved us daddy even when you couldn't say it. It's us who don't deserve you. I don't think you have ever realized it but you are our world. We love you so much. That's why we all came daddy. You have been there for us our whole lives and now its our turn." Kathleen said stepping forward to kiss her father on the cheek.

"I know I always took mom's side but daddy I loved her too. We all loved her. It isn't going to be the same anymore is it daddy?" Lizzie asked gazing up at her father with wet eyes.

"No baby girl it isn't. Nothing is ever going to be the same again." He said sucking in a deep breath. "You kids should go on inside and get a seat. Don and the guys are already inside."

"Aren't you coming ?"

"I will in a minute baby. I just needed to get some air."

Waving the rest of her siblings on inside, Maureen hung back. "You haven't been in yet have you?"

Shaking his head violently he said "Not yet. I just can't do it Mo. I can't go in there. If I do shes . . shes really. .I just can't yet baby."

"Ok daddy, we will save you a seat."

Leaning over he kissed her forehead and playfully swatted her bottom, a reluctant smile coming to his face as he watched her slip inside. He turned around and faced the busy street in front of him. Sinking back into his thoughts he became oblivious to the world around him. He didn't even hear the Captain calling him. He did, however, feel the hand Don placed on his shoulder seconds later.

"Elliot, son, it's time. Come on I'll walk in with you."

"Don I don't think I can do this."

"We are all here Elliot. You CAN do this. You are Elliot Stabler. She needs you"

"Ok"

They turned and walked into the church entering just in time to hear the end of the commissioner's speech.

"No one knew her better inside or out that her partner Elliot Stabler. They were one of the NYPDs best pair of detectives' and their solve rate was unprecedented in their unit and one of the top in 

department history. No one knew her better, no one fought with her more, and no one was closer to her. At this time we would like to ask her partner, Elliot Stabler, to come say a few words."

He froze. All he could do was stand there and stare at the academy picture they had blown up and placed up front near the casket. Something wasn't right here. He felt it in his bones. Now that he thought about it, it hadn't been right since they told him she was gone. A small something was niggling at the back of his mind demanding to be heard. Captain Cragen propelled him forward and up to the podium. He glanced sideways and saw the picture. The picture of them at Dickie's soccer game, she had her arm around Dickie and Kathleen was tucked neatly under the other. He was hovering behind her with a goofy grin on his face. He remembered that day. He had pleaded with her to stop by his sons game for a few minutes so he could watch him play. The kids missed her, he had said. She gave in and it turned out to be another special memory he filed away in his mind. It was tucked neatly away in fantasies and filed under Olivia Benson. She fit in every aspect of his life. It was then he realized that she couldn't possibly be dead.

"Liv, isn't dead." He stated evenly to the crowd in front of him. He stepped down off of the platform and slowly descended the stairs toward his children and friends. "Guys you have to listen to me. Liv isn't dead I know it. I wouldn't be here if she were. Don't you get it. Im ok so that means she is too. Quit looking at me like that Don."

"Elliot listen. This isn't the time or place for this son. You need to. . . "

He never got to finish his sentence. A loud explosion rocked the church and knocked them all flat.

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A/N: So folks whatcha think? Is she or isn't she dead? I dont know. .youll have to wait until the next chapter or two to find out. BUT I am in the process of moving so it will be about a week before I can update. Leave me lots of love. . encouragement is a great motivator . . love it or hate it let me know