Shampoo: The following is fan-written parody. Ranma ½ property of Rumiko Takahashi, Studio Deen, Shogakukan, Viz Media, and Madman Entertainment. You support official release, yes?
The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!
The Third Sino-Japanese War 3: Chemical Warfare
The oncoming atrocity
[12.]
In all of Joketsuzoku's history, no woman who'd defeated a warrior of the village had ever made it far, so the challenge that Ranma Saotome had presented with was an unwelcome one. In every battle of her pursuit, the outsider had beaten her again and again, leaving her in the dust both figuratively and literally until she had finally escaped.
Shampoo had learned first hand, painfully, what it meant to be the frog in a well.
To overcome her quarry and restore her village's pride, she would need to be more than just a Joketsuzoku. Shampoo would need more than powerful techniques and an invulnerable body, she would need to understand the mechanics of a cruel and merciless mindset, an unrestrained bloodlust, and above all a criminal's cunning. With that in mind, Cologne immediately put Shampoo on the first boat to Thailand to soak up the blood of its seedy underbelly.
Many of the other village leaders met Cologne's decision with skepticism if not outright alarm. They thought it foolish to send a warrior so young, ignorant of the outside world to a veritable nexus of lawlessness where a life could be brought and sold for a can of beer, where criminals the world over fought for control, where pirates roamed the high seas with impunity, and where death could come in the form of a junkie's knife, a mobster's bullet, or a maid's umbrella.
After one week of no reply from their champion, the village was worried.
After two they were convinced she was dead.
After six weeks many were ready to write off Shampoo as a cautionary tale, consumed by an unrelenting world, when she returned.
She was unharmed.
She could speak Japanese and English as well as some Russian.
She could handle knives as deftly as any assassin, and also developed an affinity for firearms.
Cologne was pleased.
With these improvements, teaching Shampoo the rest in preparation for her journey to hunt down Ranma was easy. The breaking point Shampoo already had the basics of; after all she walked through walls easy enough. Training her with Chestnuts Roasting over an Open Fire was passed with similar difficulty, it would seem that someone in Thailand had taught her to kick or throw back live grenades before they exploded and that helped her reaction time.
Only one technique proved difficult for Shampoo to master, but with confidence she had decided that it was something she could perfect when the time was right. Not long after she made this declaration, she set out for Japan…
… And then the Immigration Bureau sent her ass right back.
With this minor setback, Cologne decided prudently that she would accompany Shampoo on her journey, both to give her cover, and to make use of the diplomatic immunity Cologne had picked up during her time through services to Japan. When asked about it, Cologne mentioned someone named Hongo, and fighting Nazis.
Smelling of explosive residue and the exertion of battle Shampoo returned to the Cat Café, and Cologne looked to Shampoo from her perch behind the cash register.
"So that racket from earlier was you?" she asked.
Shampoo nodded. "The New Hire was my quarry, and was a man to begin with. He fell into the spring of the Drowned Girl."
Cologne paused, and then became wide-eyed. "Then that means…"
"I have to marry Ranma, as the village dictates," Shampoo replied.
Oh dear. "Is that a fact, what about his fiancée?"
Shampoo knew how to take care of that. "Where do you keep the Formula Number 411?"
Cologne chuckled. "Oh? You're going to make her a distant memory, I see?"
Shampoo sighed. "I am not in the mood for puns."
"Forget I said that, then," A rimshot sounded. "It's in the garage with your tools."
Leaning down, Shampoo kissed Cologne on the top of her head. "Thank you Great Grandma."
"Go with courage, dear child." Cologne said as she waved after her.
Walking around the back of the Cat Café, Shampoo walked down an alley and to what used to be an auto shop situated behind the Cat Café. Opening the door, she waded into a hoarder's paradise of machinery, tools, and more than a few weapons as she went for a locker in the back.
Opening the door, she picked out a single pink bottle of shampoo, and weighed in her hand before bringing it to her ear and shaking it.
"Huh… should be enough," she murmured before turning around and looking at the biggest piece of hardware in her garage. Seeing the ambient light glint off slate gray metal, she grinned.
"More than enough."
"United States Air Force Officials in Okinawa are still searching for clues and leads days after a daring nighttime theft of a fighter aircraft and related equipment from Kadena Air Base…"
Somewhere in Tokyo, several days later, Akane woke up feeling relaxed. A cacophony to her right had stirred her from slumber; it was the radio on the night stand next to the bed. She was in a modest hotel not too far from the Tendo Dojo, and she was not alone.
"A spokesperson from the United States Air Force, speaking on conditions of anonymity, was reported saying that evidence left behind at the crime scene was non-existent and that whomever had performed the theft had been able to make off with an entire aircraft and thousands rounds of ammunition for its cannon."
Next to her, his shoulder providing a comfortable pillow for her drowsy head, was Ranma still snoring away despite the radio and its increasing volume. The radio suddenly stopped registering with Akane too, as she watched him continue to sleep peacefully.
"What has struck investigators as strangest is that the aircraft was not believed either flown or driven off from the base, but rather dragged away. American and Japanese counter-terrorism experts have been called in, and while the American spokesperson says it is too early to begin casting blame, they hope to find the aircraft and the thieves responsible very soon."
It had occurred to Akane, that she had never actually seen Ranma while he was asleep. Sure, she'd caught him dozing and on the verge of passing out plenty of times, but she'd never actually found him without his guard up, deep in slumber like he was now. It was nice to just watch him in this state, entirely at ease with no cares in the world
"The aircraft stolen is known as the A-10 Thunderbolt II, a ground attack fighter affectionately known by enthusiasts as the 'Warthog' and built around a tank-destroying thirty millimeter cannon… and now onto sports…"
Akane hit the snooze button and sat up carefully so as not to wake him. Despite the other day's frustrations, Akane found it worth getting this in return. She watched Ranma's eyes open, and focus on her, as he gave her a sleepy smile. "Good morning… Akane…"
He reached up and rested a hand on her cheek, and she placed both of hers over it.
"Good morning," she softly cooed back.
When Ranma began caressing her face, she let out a happy sigh. His hand slipped from under hers, and then down her neck and over her chest. Closing her eyes, Akane sighed as he reached her breast and ran his palm over it. "Pervert… you know we should try going to school today."
Ranma squeezed, and Akane sighed. Licking his lips, he sat up and smiled to her. "How long before we gotta get to school?" He asked.
Akane licked her lips as she gave him an amorous look. "Long enough…" She let out a happy squeal when Ranma leaned forward and pinned her down. "Ah, darling…!"
Akane was enjoying this kind of freedom.
She was still glowing as she sat at her table for lunch later that day, much to Sayuri and Yuka's envy. "So where have you been?" The former asked mischievously. "You and Ranma disappear for days, no one can find you, and then you come to school from a different direction…"
"You noticed?" Akane asked, her cheeks a cute red.
"Yes, among other things," Sayuri replied. They both knew about Akane's privacy desires. "You're the happiest we've seen you in over a month."
Akane beamed. "If you saw me the other day, you wouldn't have guessed. It sucked real bad."
"Really, what happened?" Sayuri stopped. "Wait a minute, you mean that fireball…?"
Akane sighed. "That was me."
Yuka gasped. "What happened, Akane? People think it was a terrorist attack! I mean, no one was hurt, but still…"
"I wish it were something like that. Ranma and I got into it with some of his excess baggage from China, a complete psychopath who wanted to kill his girl side until his male side kicked her in the face," Akane explained with no small deal of irritation at the recollection.
Both her friends gaped, as Akane hit them with the shocker. "The worst part happened after Ranma knocked her out. She starts hugging all over him and declaring that she's going to marry him!"
"Are you for real?" Yuka asked. "That sounds like something out of an anime."
Sayuri shook her head. "How's Ranma taking it? He didn't… he didn't actually try to reciprocate or anything, did he?"
Akane recalled Ranma's eagerness to kill Shampoo at her insistence, and shook her head. "No, he doesn't like her either. I mean, she's crazier than Kodachi and easily much more dangerous. I had to throw a fuel truck at her, and she still got up."
It amazed both her friends how dangerous being in Akane's proximity was and yet they'd still gotten along unscathed. Sayuri patted Akane on the shoulder. "So what are you going to do about it? This sounds pretty serious…"
"There's not much we can do except train to be able to fight her off. Ranma's thinking about taking a training trip to the north, the Golden Pair got really tough by training in the cold, so we could probably benefit from the same," Akane explained.
She liked the idea for more than just the training possibility, Ranma had suggested that they go alone, and she always wanted to go to Hokkaido for a vacation…
Both Sayuri and Yuka looked to one another with wry smiles, and leaned close. "How romantic, a training trip to Hokkaido, just the two of you!"
Akane blushed scarlet again and giggled, her hands covering her cheeks. Her reaction told her friends everything, and they were all soon in a fit of giggles.
Across the room, Ranma was again accosted by Hiroshi and Daisuke, who appeared to be as gossipy as their female counterparts but much more informed.
"So, word on the street is that you're engaged to another woman."
Ranma performed a spit-take the very moment Daisuke had announced that.
"Who told you that?!" he yelled at him.
Hiroshi coughed. "It was that monster weirdo you fought a while ago, Hibiki. He's been going around telling everyone he could meet."
Ranma was going to murder him. "I'm not engaged to her; she says I am, but we're really not."
"Yeah, another hot girl who likes you and you want nothing to do with her while your close friends can't get even the homely chicks to look our way," Daisuke grumbled, "Who the hell do you think you are, asshole?"
"A reasonable human being, for God's sake I'm not having this conversation with you two again." Ranma griped. Looking over, he could see Kuno advancing towards him, bokken drawn and all sorts of angry. "Damn it, don't tell me Ryoga told him, too!"
"SAOTOME, YOU CAD!"
Yep, he did.
"YOU DARE CONTINUE TO LURE MAIDENS BENEATH YOUR SWAY?!"
Explaining his circumstances was going to be about as effective as telling the sun not to shine, but Ranma still held out hope for Kuno.
"Look…" He ducked under a slash from the sword. "… Whatever you heard about me and Shampoo…" He parried another strike with his chopsticks. "… Is a lie." He kicked Kuno in the face, knocking him to the floor.
Hope was dead.
He leaned over as Akane walked over, drawn by the scuffle. "I don't like Shampoo, okay? And as far as that engagement is concerned, I'm definitely not going with it."
Kuno rose to his feet and took Akane's hands in his own. "Fairest Akane, why subject yourself to this poor caricature of a man? Let him have the Chinese harlot, and you and I can be finally joined in glorious union!"
The only caricature in the room was currently him, Akane mused to herself as she slipped free of Kuno's grip and slammed his head into a table. "Don't touch me."
Ranma smirked. That's right; Akane was for his hands only. He still had to dodge another bokken strike, though.
"Your defilement of Akane ends here, Saotome!"
The ease he avoided Kuno with irritated Ranma, it reminded him of the gulf he experienced between himself as a girl and Shampoo. After the one-shot he flattened her with, he was pretty sure that even with her toughness and speed he could defeat her provided he was male during the time. He just wasn't up to spec in his female body, even with Akane backing him up.
"Huh?" Ranma stopped when he realized that at some point during his internal lamentation, he had knocked Kuno flat on his back. "Oh, I did it again."
At least he was out of the–oh God, black rose petals everywhere.
"PREPARE YOURSELF AKANE TENDO!"
Akane caught her ribbon in hand. "Useless."
Undeterred, Kodachi landed next to Ranma and hugged his arm. "Oh my beloved Ranma…"
"Hi Kodachi… how was physical therapy…?" he asked in a decidedly furious but trying not to flip out tone.
Akane grumbled as Kodachi continued on. "I've heard from a vagrant that you were in danger of being wed to an awful woman, a filthy Chinese!"
"Ryoga needs to keep his fucking mouth shut," Ranma growled, to which Akane agreed.
Kodachi went on, embracing Ranma entirely. "I pledge myself to you! I shall aid in defeating the vile-"
Akane grabbed Kodachi by her hair and started punching her in the face repeatedly.
As chaos consumed the lunchroom and a window shattered, Ryoga watched from a rooftop adjacent to the school with a sad sigh. It pained his heart to watch Akane suffer through this, but it was something he knew was right. Akane deserved so much better than a guy who could do nothing but get in trouble with women, and would drag her into his fights as a convenient second when he needed.
He hoped that bringing all of Ranma's troubles to the table would overwhelm that patience she seemed to possess, and then she could see for herself how unrepentantly chaotic living with him was. It would be then, and only then could he possibly hope to get close to her, and help her find happiness.
"Just you wait, Akane. When this is all over, you'll thank me," He said quietly before he heard an incredible racket.
Looking down, he spied Shampoo walking towards the school dragging a shipping container down the street on the end of a chain. He had been wondering what was taking her; he called her to come to the school hours ago. "Ah, she's here."
He continued to stare as she passed him; the container leaving a trail of sparks and scraped-off paint behind. "What is she going to do with that?"
The noise created by the container went unnoticed inside the cafeteria, as the impromptu melee between Ranma and Akane and the Kuno siblings continued to heat up. She poked the wall in front of her, blowing open a path large enough for her and the container, and entered the school's courtyard, and utterly stunning Ryoga.
"W-with just one finger…?" Ryoga didn't expect this. "She's strong…"
As Shampoo dropped the chain and climbed up to the top of the container to begin undoing its various locks, Hiroshi took a glance over it as Ranma traded blows with Kuno again. "Huh? What's going on out there?"
Ranma dodged a bokken slash that demolished a nearby table; he was irked now, today had started out so nicely too.
Kuno glared down at him. "Perhaps you should surrender yourself to the foreign girl, and solve all of our problems together!"
He slashed at Ranma, who leaned back to avoid it. "Yeah, but if I did that… then you'd lose Pigtailed Girl, too!" He performed a flip away from a vertical slash.
"The Pigtailed Girl, what does she have to do with this?!"
anma had an idea, this was almost too perfect.
"Shampoo hates her," He said, "And she'll stop at nothing to kill her."
Kuno's eyes shot wide open. "You spew trickery!"
"No, in fact, she's the reason that she even came here. That big explosion the other day was from her trying to do her in. Ask Akane." He looked over towards Akane, who kicked up a table to block Kodachi's ribbon, which sliced cleanly through it.
She took a few steps back and looked to Kuno as Kodachi stopped to listen to the exchange. "He's right! Shampoo wants to kill the Pigtailed Girl and me too!"
"Uh, hey Ranma, she's here," Hiroshi finally managed to get in over the crowd. "She, uh, she's got a really big box with her."
In another part of the school, Nabiki came into classroom from a bathroom break and found her classmates gathered around the windows staring at something going on in the courtyard. "Huh?"
She walked over, and immediately stopped when she saw Shampoo ripping away the locks on the roof of the container. "What does she think she's doing?"
Ryoga had managed to make it over to another closer rooftop, and knelt down as Shampoo rounded the container and began attempting to lift the roof off. Inside the cafeteria, Ranma and Akane had joined everyone at the window. She had succeeded in lifting when they made it to the front of the group.
"That can't be good," Akane said as she looked to Ranma, he concurred wholeheartedly with a nod.
Shampoo got leverage on the roof and flipped it before hopping into the container. As the roof went up and over, it took a wall with it, and the others began to come down. In her classroom, Nabiki gripped the windowsill as her ironclad composure completely fell apart, replaced by a look of escalating apprehension. Ryoga fell on his ass, eyes bugged near out of his skull as he caught sight of it himself.
"What the hell?" He gasped in disbelief.
Akane let out a terrified squeak. "That… that's a… it's a…" She turned to Ranma, pale as a sheet. "… She… she's going to…"
Ranma kept staring at Shampoo, his expression now not unlike stone.
"Hydraulic drive system…" Shampoo searched for a switch and flipped it, before pressing a button on the generator next to her. "There."
As the generator worked up to full power quickly, put on a pair of goggles and headphones before she hefted up the GAU-8 Avenger that she'd acquired a few days ago. The barrels quickly spinning up to incredible velocity, she aimed the immense weapon straight for the school cafeteria. Spotting Ranma, she waved to him.
"Try not to die, okay?" She asked.
Ranma looked back at Akane, even as other students were beginning to run away from the window in panic, he threw her over his shoulder and ran for the nearest door as the first of thousands of thirty millimeter tank destroying rounds sliced through the building in a deafening roar.
"AKANE!" Ryoga yelled as the cafeteria was quickly obscured with smoke and dust from the barrage of shells.
Even with her strength, the cannon fought Shampoo like a bucking bronco, trying to escape her grasp as she held it on target while the recoil pushed her backward. As the building the cafeteria was held inside began to collapse, she looked at the rest of the school and shrugged her shoulders. She had the cannon shells to spare, so why not?
Shampoo turned the barrel towards the rest of the school, the rounds gouging into and through its ground floor, passing with ease out the other side of the building regardless of what stood in their way. As with the cafeteria, the effects were almost immediate, and the whole of Furinkan High School began to destabilize.
"That crazy bitch…!" Nabiki screamed as the floor buckled and then gave from under her and every student in the school, sending them all screaming to the ground in a rising cloud of dust.
Parts of the school, despite the assault, managed to stand up after the first sweep… but that was fine by Shampoo as she swept the cannon back, tearing them down as well and reducing the entirety of Furinkan High School into a pile of pulverized concrete, shattered glass, and twisted steel.
Steam rising off the barrel and its drum spent, Shampoo dropped the weapon to the ground with a large thud and examined it. "Huh, never would have got the same performance out of 6-30. Shampoo buy American from now on."
She looked to the dense smoke that hung over the remains of the high school, and began walking towards it. That was as easy as she imagined it would be, Japanese buildings were definitely up to code for earthquakes and typhoons, not so much Anti-Tank weapons. As she entered the ruins, she appraised her handiwork with satisfaction: the school was destroyed, with piles of rubble easily twice her height surrounding her.
"Yes, Shampoo definitely buy American," she said as a shadowy figure hurtled through the dust at her from behind.
Whirling around, she blocked the end of Ryoga's umbrella, the impact blasting away the dust immediately surrounding them. "Old new hire, what are you doing?"
The two break away from one another, Shampoo landing atop the back of a partially buried student as the feral vagrant adopted a fighting stance. "I will never forgive you!"
"Forgive Shampoo for what? You told Shampoo they here."
Ryoga threw some bandannas at her, eschewing dialogue for an action sequence. Leaping over the bandannas, Shampoo landed and disappeared from Ryoga's sight.
"Where did she…?" The side of Ryoga's head met Shampoo's leg under the worst circumstances, and he was sent crashing into a pile of rubble. Lowering her foot, she looked around for her quarry.
"Maybe Shampoo killed them," She lamented. "Well, that fine too."
A new challenger appeared, Tatewaki Kuno live and unhurt. His bokken was pointed straight for her throat. "You… you are the one who would dare harm my Akane and Pigtailed Girl, destroy my school?"
Shampoo raised an eyebrow. "Who the hell is you?"
Kuno took the bokken and raised it close to the side of his head, his eyes blazing with righteous fury. "I am Tatewaki Kuno, the defender of Akane Tendo's happiness!" He immediately charged Shampoo. "Defend yourself!"
Shampoo did just that, almost casually avoiding his slashes with minimal effort, barely creating any space between her and the wild slashes as she moved about.
With a furious grunt, he lunged forward to impale Shampoo's chest, only for the blade to be captured in her hand.
"You like that cunt? You must be real idiot," Shampoo said before she stepped inside his reach, still holding the bokken, and caressed his face with her free hand. "Shampoo real woman, see?"
She pressed her substantial breasts to Kuno's chest and naturally his ire fizzled out like the idiot he was. His consciousness fizzled shortly after, when Shampoo drilled about a hundred and two punches into his stomach in less than a second.
Breaking the wooden sword in her hand, she looked over towards where she was sure she'd expect Ranma. Sure enough, there he was, knocked out cold from the falling debris. There was no sign of Akane anywhere.
"Ah! There you is, still alive too." She almost reached him, when Kodachi's ribbon snatched around her throat. She looked back at the darkly themed young woman and her brow twitched. "You gay for Akane?"
She was, but was in great denial over it. "Hardly, I intend to protect my beloved Ranma."
Oh, so he had other female suitors too? Shampoo was going to give this one special treatment. Turning around to face Kodachi, she grabbed the ribbon in her hands and ripped it in half. Tossing the end of the length that remained on her neck over her shoulder like a scarf, she gestured for Kodachi to come at her.
Kodachi produced a club in her free hand as she began twirling her ribbons. She'd seen the speed in which her brother and that wanderer were dispatched. She would not fall so easily, on her side was agility, speed, and cunning. Quick as a flash, she threw the club at Shampoo, who swung to smash it away. On impact, however, it exploded into a cloud of paralysis agent.
"Ohohoho… it would seem you've fallen into my trap." She said as it cleared and Shampoo stood there, twitching from the effects of the agent. "You shouldn't even try to move, even if you built up immunity, the most you'd probably be able to move is one finger!"
She leaped and dove for Shampoo, preparing to slice through her with a single slash of her deadly ribbon. Shampoo looked at her descending opponent. "One finger all Shampoo need."
Three shotgun blasts roared, and Kodachi hit the ground, knocked out cold by beanbag rounds to the stomach, chin, and face. Shampoo lowered the automatic shotgun she had dispatched her with. "Who you think you talk to, whore?"
Turning around, she looked down at Ranma, and then grinned as she put away the shotgun in lieu of far more devastating weapons, a comb and a bottle of shampoo.
"You sit still now, okay?" And she descended upon her target.
Shampoo was either the best shot in the world, or the worst. On one hand, she leveled a high school using an automatic cannon and no one died. On the other hand, she leveled a high school using an automatic cannon and no one died. Injuries on the other hand were rife, and one of them was Nabiki as she was dug out from under the rubble about a half hour later by fellow students.
"Ow… ow… ow…" She stood up, and looked around. "What? Is everyone okay?"
Another student nodded. "Yeah, nobody died, at least. But…" He looked away from Nabiki. She immediately got a bad feeling, and immediately knew where to look.
"What happened to Akane? Where is she?" she demanded as she pushed past him and looked around. "Akane!"
She stopped when she saw her sitting on the grass in front of the rubble pile with Ranma, near where Ryoga, Kuno, and Kodachi were beginning to recover. Relief washed over her as she rushed over, and in keeping with the rules of comedy and her own aloof nature, she strolled to a stop next to Akane and looked down at her and Ranma.
"I guess we'll be getting vacation a few weeks early this year. So it's not all bad," she said as she placed her arms akimbo. Akane didn't look up at her.
Ranma looked up at Nabiki. "Hey Nabiki, you're alright too." He sounded relieved as he looked back to Akane. "There's something wrong with her."
Akane stiffened when Ranma said that, and then bowed her head, her hands clenching into fists. Nabiki quickly looked between them both. "What? What is it?"
"She keeps saying I'm her fiancé; who is she?" he asked.
Nabiki went cold, and she looked back at Akane, and the tears dropping into her lap.
Word from the Author: Wham.