As I was brushing my hair and pinning it into its austere bun, I could hear Adele down in the lower level, in transports of delight at the prospect of company. I smiled to myself, glad she had recovered so quickly from her cold. I only I could be sure I had not caught the contagion myself. I had passed a very hard night and had an aching, heavy head and sore throat to show for it. Or rather reader- I must be honest, I almost hoped that I had caught a slight version of the malady that could reasonably allow me to remain above all the turmoil and confusion I would surly encounter. I quickly chastised myself, I could not allow such a wicked thought to linger, for being ill was almost as bad as being lazy at Lowood, and even though the interval of months of separation were parting me from the institutions mores and customs, I still bore an irradicatable stamp on my thoughts, fight it as I might. As I did almost daily.
Well, I might not have been as successful as I would have liked previously in purging myself from all foolishness, but today was a new day, and the present situation would be sure to mortify any kind of partiality I had been foolish enough to harbor for my employer.
All was chaos below, I got breakfast for Adele and I as best I might, but I have to admit neither of us were fully satisfied by my meager procurements. We then retired to the school room and proceeded to the lessons, but it was not a profitable day, weather because the slight edge of hunger left my student intractable, or she still had not recovered from the malady of yesterday, but the result was that it was a long, tedious day, even though I drew the lessons to a close an hour early.
Then while we were at lunch I received the unwelcome news that I was expected to attend Adele in the drawing room after dinner. This was not to my taste at all, I had a difficult enough task in keeping her sober and reasonable at the best of time, but to expose her to a room full of fine ladies and gentlemen would be to undo a months worth of work. I demurred the best that I might to the widow, but was informed that it was an absolute order.
Accordingly I went to my room after seeing Adele to her room, and proceeded to change into my best dress. A dress that would never please even the most unobservant eye, one that was but one shade removed from absolute Puritanism by a modest frill of lace at the neck.
"This will have to do, for it is all I have." I murmured to myself. Taking in my pale face, rather paler than ordinary, my nose having a unbecoming pink tinge, and my eyes were not so large as to hide the shaded rings beneath them. I gave one last smooth to my already unremarkable hair then went to get Adele.
I was not sure if it was the stress of the day or the difficult night, but I was having more than an occasional pain in my arm that would bring me up short should I chance to bump it. I fetched Adele and entered the drawing room. It was a splendid room at the best of times, but now with the present company it was a dazzling palace of splendor to my unsophisticated eyes. I only had a few moment to enjoy the room before the ladies swept in, I stood, but I think I was passed over as too insignificant to be noticed. All except by the honorable Mrs. Ingram and her Blanche, they looked at me with scornful hostility, though I was at a loss to fathom in what way I offended them.
I studied Miss Ingram from my corner. Shaded as I was by the plant I had strategically placed myself behind, I could observe her without being discovered. She was everything magnificent and beautiful to be sure, and I had no doubt that her accomplishments were as multituendous as they were reputed to be. But she seemed curiously lifeless, there was a distinct lack of animation in her manner that contrasted oddly with her beauty, I wondered at it, but in a moment I was apprised of the cause.
The moment that the doors opened to admit the men, it was as if there was another person in her clothes entirely. She was all smiles, charming, lively, animated to the point of being almost vivacious. It was then that I discovered that she, like so many others, regarded life without the presence of the male species to be but a rehearsal, if you will, a mere prelude to the time she would assume her most pleasing attitudes and mannerisms for her audience.
I was puzzled and saddened that it was so apparent Mr. Rochester had no idea of this part of her personality. He, who had so often roundly abused all mannered of falsity and conventienltys to me, now, was taken in by them entirely.
It was then I saw how that far from being the exalted creature of my imagination, she was but a beautiful, calculating woman.
This thought filled me with unspeakable distress, for it at once put me far above her, but at the same time, I was still far beneath her in every other respect that could be measured. I watched carefully, and every action, every word pronounced Mr. Rochester's preference for her alone. Indeed I must confess that it pained me more than I should like to admit, he never acknowledged me, or even looked for me, after positively commanding that I be present that night.
The entire night seemed to my fevered mind to be but a stage for them to be showcased. Never had it been more hopeless, and never, alas, had I loved him more.
The torture became unendurable, so I seized the first opportunity to slip out unnoticed; Miss Ingram and the master were engaged in a melodious duet. I quietly stood up to retire, (Adele had been sent to bed some while before.) I was perhaps not a wise as I should have been, for I lingered for a few moments in the dim hall , listening to the haunting melody of the song, I was surprised when it ended, then suddenly the door opened and I was faced with perhaps the last person I would have wished to see at that moment. It was Mr. Rochester.
"Why do you leave so early?" he demanded in irritation. "I gave instructions for you to attend all the night?" He scowled down at me, his face lined into harsh crags.
"I am tired, sir." I replied as best I might without my voice betraying me. It was but a weak attempt, and my voice wavered noticeably.
"You do look pale, Jane." He relented. "You did not happen to take cold the night you half drowned me did you?"
I mutely shook my head, the motion made me giddy; waves of nausea came over me.
He did not notice. "Well, for tonight you are excused, but I expect you to stay the full course every night hereafter, you understand? I expressly wish it."
I nodded, still fighting the nausea and faintness. He turned on his heel and re-entered the room. The hall grew darker before my eyes; there was a peculiar roaring that seemed to press itself against my ears.
My last memory was as I was gasping for the air that I so grievously needed, I fell.