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CHAPTER 12

Harry lay awake that night feeling extremely pissed off. After his confession to Hermione about Malfoy, he was sure she would never speak to him again.

Suddenly a scream erupted from Ron's bed. Harry tore open the hangings on his bed, rushed over to Ron's bed and pulled open the hangings. Ron was thrashing around in his sleep.

"Nooooooo!!! not the poodle! aaarrgghhh! it's biting me! noooo! get it away Sirius! my poor member!"

"Ron! RON WAKE UP!" shouted Harry, shaking Ron.

"Wha…what? aaarrrggghhh, poodle, POODLE!" shouted Ron, pointing at Harry.

"RON IT'S ME YOU IDIOT!"

"What's going on?" shouted Neville.

"Is he ok?" said Seamus, looking worried.

"A poodle?" said Dean Thomas, looking confused.

"Wha…what happened?" said Ron, looking around the room. "Where did it go?"

"It's ok Ron, it was just a dream" said Harry.

"Phew" said Ron, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "I thought I was a goner, that poodle is quite rough!"

Neville, Dean and Seamus exchanged confused looks.

"I am certainly not getting my member pierced!" said Ron.

"Member?" said Seamus.

"Pierced?" said Dean.

"Yes, my penis!" said Ron. "I'm not getting it pierced!"

"Good on you mate, that's …er…nice to know" said Dean.

"My Gran got her member pierced once" said Neville. "It was horrible"

"Your GRAN? But she's a WOMAN!" said Ron.

"She's…er…a transsexual" said Neville.

Harry stuffed his fist in his mouth in a desperate attempt to stop himself laughing.

Ron looked horrified.

"We best..er…get some sleep" said Harry, suddenly thinking to tomorrows Care of Magical Creatures lesson.

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Harry sat in the Great Hall the next morning desperately trying to make conversation with Hermione.

"What's up with her?" said Ron, as Hermione threw Harry a filthy look.

"Beats me" said Harry nervously.

Hermione got up and left the Great Hall.

"Come on, lets follow" said Ron.

They followed Hermione up to the common room.

"Must you follow me EVERYWHERE?" said Hermione.

"Come on Herm, what's up?" said Harry.

"You know very well what's up" spat Hermione.

Ron looked at Harry. "Am I missing something?"

"Yeah, a brain" said Hermione. "Now leave me alone"

"Whoa, wait I haven't done anything wrong!" said Ron. "Look, I'm sorry I reacted badly to Sirius's member club but honestly Hermione, do you really expect me to stick pins in my penis just to keep Sirius and his 'poodle' happy?"

"It's not about THAT its about HIM!" said Hermione, pointing to Harry.

"What about him? What's up Harry?" said Ron.

"N…Nothing" said Harry, desperately wanting to hide the fact that he fancied Malfoy.

"Well until you tell him Harry, I'm not speaking to either of you!" said Hermione, stamping her foot.

"We can't fall out!" said Ron. "Come on Hermione, you're our best friend!. We need you! I mean, who's going to do our homework for us now?"

"You're pathetic" said Hermione, and she stormed out of the common room.

"Rotten that is" said Ron. "Just as I was about to get her to do my bloody History of Magic essay. So, what's up Harry?"

"Oh it's nothing. We better get to Hagrids class" said Harry, hoping that Hagrid had failed to get the Skrewts to mate.

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Harry and Ron set off down the stone steps towards Hagrids hut. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were walking upfront.

"Why the hell does this class have to be with the bloody Slytherin's?" said Ron.

Harry wasn't listening. He was too busy looking at Malfoy's arse and trying to convince himself that he didn't like it.

Arrrrggghhhh thought Harry. I do not like his arse, I do not like his arse, I DO NOT like his arse, it's ugly, it's ugly, it's fat, it's fat, it's firm, NO! It is NOT firm! It's FAT FAT FAT! It's firm, it's very firm, it's a nice firm buttocks, nice FIRM buttocks.

"Nice firm buttocks" said Harry, thinking out loud.

"You what?" said Ron. "Who's got nice firm buttocks?"

"Er…no one" said Harry.

"Come on Harry, who?" said Ron "You have to tell me now!"

Harry was desperately trying to think of someone to say to shut Ron up and said the first person that came into his head.

"Madame Maxime!" he said. Shit. Of all the people to say and she came out of his sodding mouth. Why didn't he say Flint? That would have been obvious.

"Bloody hell mate, you must be desperate!" said Ron. "Her arse must be bigger than Aragog!"

"Yeah alright, forget it ok?" said Harry, feeling frustrated.

Ron sniggered.

They reached Hagrids hut. Hagrid was outside, looking cheerful.

"Alrigh' gather roun' gather roun'! said Hagrid. "Today we will be begin teh study the Skrewts behaviour. Yeh will be producing a report on how they behave durin' matin' season.

Both the Griffindors and the Slytherins looked disgusted at this.

"Now, yeh will be workin' in pairs for this report an' yeh will have teh work with people from the other house. Sorry bou' tha' but Dumbledore thinks it would be good for yeh. Gives yeh a chance to be civil to one another"

Ron gave a snort. Harry gulped. Surely Hagrid wouldn't put him with Malfoy? He couldn't cope with the thought of having to resist the urge to grab Malfoy's arse through the whole lesson.

Five minutes later, Harry was standing next to Malfoy looking very pissed off. Ron threw a disgusted look at his partner (Crabbe) who currently had his finger up his nose. Goyle stood next to his partner (a very nervous looking Neville Longbottom) whilst scratching his arse. Hermione looked ready to kill (She was paired up with Pansy Parkinson, who was chucking pieces of twig at Hermione's hair and muttering something about a birds nest).

"Now, first each pair will pick two Skrewts from each box, one male, and one female of course, and then yeh will begin yeh report by studying their behaviour. Matin' season usually lasts abou' a month so yeh will be with yeh partners for the next few lessons"

Great thought Harry. All I need. A month with Malfoy's arse. And what an arse!

"Righ' off you go!" said Hagrid cheerfully.

"That oaf seriously needs help" said Malfoy. "He's not right in the head. I certainly don't want to spend the next month studying Skrewts shagging antics, and I especially do not want to spend it with you Potter"

"Shut up Malfoy" said Harry through gritted teeth. Harry made his way over to the box and picked out two Skrewts, then made his way back to Malfoy.

The lesson was extremely boring. Hagrid had obviously failed to get the Skrewts in the mood.

"Well this is interesting" said Malfoy loudly. "So far our Skrewts have done nothing but ignore each other. Is this how you and Weasel behave during your mating season Potter? Or is there more action?"

"Fuck off Malfoy!" hissed Harry.

"If yeh look closely, yeh will notice tha' the female is glowing slightly" said Hagrid. "This usually happens durin' the matin' season"

"Don't get too near it Potter, it might burn your scar" sneered Malfoy.

Harry ignored him. He was finding the lesson extremely boring. He glanced around. It seemed like everyone else was bored with their Skrewts aswell. Suddenly, Harry noticed something fall out of Neville's robes. It looked like a tablet. Neville didn't notice this, but his and Goyle's male Skrewt did. Harry watched the Skrewt with interest as it sniffed around the tablet. The Skrewt immediately ate it.  Harry frowned, wondering what the tablet could have been.

"What's the matter Potter? fascinated with Longbottom now are we? Thinking of ways to please him during your mating season?" sneered Malfoy.

Malfoy began to say something else but stopped mid sentence. His face had turned into a look of horror. Harry glanced to where Malfoy was looking and his jaw dropped.

Neville and Goyle's Skrewt had began to grow. And it wasn't just any part of the Skrewt. The Skrewts private parts were now twice their normal size.

"P…pro….professor?" stammered Neville. "I…er…think our male Skrewt is ready to mate!"  

The Skrewt's privates were still growing. Hagrid turned round.

"Ruddy hell! what's goin on! what did you do to it?" said Hagrid. "It's not supposed teh get tha' big!".

"I…I didn't do anything" said Neville.

The class started to panic as the Skrewt's privates were now the size of a small killer whale's.

"Alrigh' now don' panic!" shouted Hagrid.

"How the bloody hell did it get that big?" said Ron, moving out the Skrewts way.

"I saw it, it ate something! Something that fell out of Neville's robes! A tablet" said Harry.

"OH NO!" shouted Neville.

"What? What was it? A headache tablet? said Harry, wondering how on earth a headache tablet could make the Skrewt's privates THAT big.

"N…NO" shouted Neville. "THAT WASN'T A HEADACHE TABLET, IT WAS VIAGRA!!!!"

"OH MY GOD!" shouted Ron.

The Skrewt (now looking very lustful and hard) immediately made a dash for Ron, obviously mistaking his red hair for a glowing female Skrewt.

"AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!! ERECT SKREWT! ERECT SKREWT!!!!!!" screamed Ron.

The class began to run around in great panic.

"Don' go near it! don' panic! I'll…get Fang…." said Hagrid, rushing into his hut and slamming the door.

Ron was now hiding behind Crabbe, who despite all the panic, was still using his finger to search for his brain via his nose.

Pansy Parkinson now seemed quite interested in the Skrewt and attempted to flirt with it.

"Ewwwww you are sick!" shouted Hermione, disgusted at the sight of Pansy flirting with a horny Skrewt.

"Get lost Granger! It's better than what you could do!" screeched Pansy.

Hermione than slapped Pansy and the two of them got into a very nasty cat fight.

"GET OFF ME YOU PUG NOSED BITCH!" yelled Hermione.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU STUPID MUDBLOOD!!" screamed Pansy.

The Skrewt immediately ended the fight as it approached the fighting couple and knocked Pansy out with its swinging erect member.

Dean and Seamus had currently taken cover behind Goyle, who was mid snog with Crabbe (still picking his nose).

The Skrewt was once again advancing on Ron. It was making a very loud screeching noise. Ron looked terrified.

"Wait 'til my father hears about this! That stupid oaf!" shouted Malfoy, hiding behind a nearby tree near Harry. "This is outrageous! He'll be sacked for sure this time!"

Malfoy turned towards Harry, who was wondering whether to help Ron or not.

"What's the matter Potter? scared of the Skrewt? Aren't you going to help Weasel, Potter? Save him from the Skrewt? It's dick must be bigger than his house, though not as fat as his mother"

"Your mother Malfoy, does she make that disgusting screeching noise when your father has his way with her?" said Harry, sneering.

"Don't you dare talk about my mother like that Potter! you- aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!"

The Skrewt had advanced on Malfoy, member swinging in all directions. Malfoy turned and sprinted towards the forbidden forest with the Skrewt not far behind.

Just then Hagrid came out of his hut with Fang.

"Where is it?"

"It's heading towards the forest after Malfoy" said Harry.

"Oh dear" said Hagrid. "I best go after him, yeh wouldn't mind helpin' me out would yeh Arry?"

Harry grinned. Him and Malfoy in the forest. With a horny Skrewt. This was going to be a very interesting day. But there was one question running around in his head.

What the hell was Neville Longbottom doing with Viagra in his robes? Harry wasn't sure he wanted to know. He set off towards the forest, not looking forward to dealing with the lustful Skrewt.

A/N: That was a really crap chapter. Go on, Flame it people!