Looking back, he should have remembered that it had been River who had entered the Last Great Time War knowing it would be full of Daleks and murderous Time Lords. It was River who walked around with a gun strapped to her thigh at all times. It was River who had commandeered the bowling alley to be her makeshift rifle range so she could practice target shooting.
It also turned out that it was River who had a mean right hook and fought dirty.
Rule number 1, he thinks to himself as he cradles his aching head. Never get into a physical altercation with the Earth Bitch.
"Ice?" the Doctor offers and he takes the icepack, pressing it to his rapidly swelling eye. The Doctor hisses in sympathy and pats him softly on the shoulder. "I did try to warn you."
"Where are we going?" River asks brightly. She doesn't have a mark on her besides the nail she broke dragging his stunned body to the console room. Usually a person striking him and getting away with it was cause to hate them more than he already did, but his hate for River was already infinite and undying. At this rate he was going to have to invent new levels of loathing or actually start liking her. "Beijing? London? What did you boys pick?"
"Hiroshima 1945," the Master suggests. "I'm thinking that August sounds good and we should get their early for breakfast."
"You," River says, pointing at him and smiling, "have lost your choosing privileges for the day." She turns her gaze to the Doctor. "Did you have somewhere in mind, Sweetie, or am I going to have to do everything myself?"
The Doctor grins at her widely. "Be prepared to be amazed!" he says excitedly, like a child on Christmas Day. "We are going to-" he pauses dramatically, "Space Flordia!"
He stares. River blinks.
"Space Flordia?" she repeats. "We're going to Space Flordia?"
"What the hell is Space Flordia?" the Master wonders out loud.
"Oh you two are going to love it!" the Doctor enthuses, running up to the central console and beginning to flip switches. The TARDIS jerks to life and they all lurch as they head into the Void. "There'll be sand, surf, and sun! There's a water park and roller coaster rides and automatic-"
The Master tunes him out. Briefly he wonders if he could make it to his room and lock the door to escape the cruelty the Doctor has planned but the Song woman must be able to read thoughts because she moves to stand next to him. "Don't even think about it," she hisses lowly. "We're stuck in this together."
He glares at her. "I hate you so much," he growls.
"I know," River laughs as the Doctor suddenly stops working to stare at them.
"What are you two talking about?" he asks hesitantly, a worried expression crossing his face.
"Suncream," River says lightly, lying easily and well. "Our dear Cupcake is going to burn like a candle if he's not careful about applying."
The Master sputters and the Doctor grins.
"Cupcake!?"
It was time to invent new levels of loathing.