AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys, as always I think you're all awesome and appreciate every single one of you. Along with thanking you for your lovely comments and reviews, I wanted to bring something up. As some of you probably noticed, there are many dynamic characters in this story.
Along with writing the story, a goal I have while writing this is to show various ways mental illness can affect people and the various ways people cope with them. Be it positively or negatively. In the real world, mental illness is often stigmatized as either "Crazy" or "Fake" which is very invalidating to those who struggle. Being labeled as either "Crazy' or "Faking" are two horrible categories that no one wants to be part of.
It takes all kinds to make this world so there are people who are legitimately insane and those who fake mental illness, but the majority of those who struggle do not fall in to these categories. In some of the reviews and comments readers are pointing out that Delia and Gary are mentally ill, disturbed and abusive. Which they are. I bring this up because I'm happy that people are seeing the toxicity I'm attempting to portray through these characters.
This is probably obvious, but Ash and Paul both have a past and are struggling with their own traumas. Be it toxic parent or abusive relationship. Many reading have grasped this. The point of this side tangent of an author's note is that I want to reach out and let you all know I am creating these character dynamics to give a realistic image to depression, anxiety, personality disorders and various forms of abuse.
So for those reading, if you're struggling with your mental health, it's okay. Whatever you're dealing with doesn't define you and it never will. I know a large attraction to this fic is the comaship and yaoi, but I know that isn't all of it. There are readers out there who may relate to a character, whomever it be. If that is the case, I sincerely hope I have done justice to them and you.
Sending out lots of love to you all. Love yourselves even if others haven't. Including those who were supposed to. Abuse is never your fault, nor is mental illness. We don't always have control over what happens to us, that alone can be devastating along with the aftermath. Whatever toll has been taken on you, your experience and feelings are valid. Noone can tell you otherwise. At the end of the day, our value has nothing to do with how others perceive us but how we perceive ourselves.
We are all human, but this self evident fact seems to get lost in interaction ironically enough. With love and understanding we are capable of healing each other. Thank you for your time you guys. I wish the best for all of you.
-Jazmin
xxxxx
"Here's your new room, guys. Get comfortable."
Standing inside a bedroom of Alain's house, I looked around apprehensively. The house we were in was a fairly good size. The bedroom I stood in was one of three, Alain being so kind to inform me. The room he escorted us to was plain and well kept, with one full sized bed and a nightstand with one lamp set up on it. A T.V was placed along the wall in front of the bed, the cabinet holding it up emptied of whatever had once been in it at some point.
On the second floor our new room resided, by the set of stairs we followed behind Alain once coming in. With a bathroom inside our room, the set up wasn't horrible by any means. There was a walk in closet, meaning plenty of storage space for all the stuff Paul and I really didn't have being we traveled light before we wound up rooming together. Still, just having the space was nice.
Paul put our bags down and Alain watched his turned back before shifting his vivid blue eyes to me. I shifted mine away and back, uncomfortable, before swallowing dryly. I didn't know much about Alain, but there was something about him. I wouldn't have gone as far to say he was off putting...but something undeniably felt off. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know him, and that was probably just the brunt of my issue with him.
He had eyes like Paul almost, that stare of his. So fixed and cutting, his stare was unwavering. That stare of his didn't leave me feeling vulnerable how Paul's could at times...it left me feeling defensive. It was something with the way his eyes narrowed ever so slightly, his black pupils contrasting so dramatically with those icy blue irises. I couldn't really see Paul's pupils... Alain's were front and center. Such eyes should have made him readable, but it didn't. Just made me paranoid, like I couldn't hide even If I wanted to.
I didn't want to go so far as to say I didn't like him, although somewhere in my gut that suspicion was blaring at me clearly. I had nothing to really judge him on, aside from his little show. It really irked me, not knowing what to expect from him. Such sharp eyes and yet he just gave off this...vibe. I could only hope Paul would fill me in later on Alain because I didn't want to be the one to ask. I needed to know what I was dealing with. More importantly, who we were living with.
In order for an explanation to possibly happen, Alain had to leave Paul and I alone. I anticipated him leaving as Paul went about setting our things down, but Alain glanced at me again, holding my stare. I froze. This entire body sensation of being stuck to the floor consumed me, with Alain's eyes holding each column of my spine locked together immediately like heavy, unforgiving glue.
"Is this your boyfriend or something?"
"Shut up, Alain."
The question was shot down immediately. I barely had a moment to register what Alain had asked when Paul bit an answer at him monotonely, looking over his shoulder warningly. Paul's voice freed the paralysis on me, my head turning sharply to follow that dull threat.
Paul was defensive, making it clear he was not in the mood for any prying. I didn't think anything of Paul's evasiveness to the question. Well, not initially. I wearily glanced to Alain for his reaction but Alain rolled his eyes and turned to leave already.
"Paul here is already aware but just so you know, my band practices in the garage on weekends. It's loud." He warned me, mouth quirking for a second as he took the briefest pause. "Well, you saw for yourself."
With that, he left and shut the door to what was Paul and I's new room. Paul took a seat on the bed and I looked at him, unsure of what to do with myself. He watched me then patted the spot next to him at the foot of the bed. I walked over and sat down awkwardly, still taking in my surroundings. My new room inside someone else's home. A rather spacious, nice room.
"Are you sure this is okay? We're in someone's house."
"You'll be safer here, relax." Paul advised me, taking off his shoes. "We're technically just renting a room. No different."
"I'm not sure how I feel about this-Wait, what do you mean by ' techincally'?"
Paul didn't care to explain.
"Nothing. You'll get used to it. "
I nodded and debated whether to ask something else. The silence made it obvious that I was mulling over something and Paul questioned me, trying to pull the insecurity I was struggling to bury. But being he was Paul, he was asking for the sake of not just putting me on the spot. Because he already knew what I was worrying over. When asking me was unsuccessful, he just flat out stated the issue.
"Alain is nothing to worry about. He's really not somebody to be scared of."
I didn't reply, the words I had ready just dying at the tip of my tongue. Like the open air had extinguished them as the seams of my lips parted, they just died. Paul leant in to look me in the eye and put fingers on my forehead, fixing my bangs with a easy swipe.
"You're safe here."
xxxxx
Adjusting to living with Paul at Alain's was difficult. I didn't leave the room on account of I just felt so out of place. For days I relied on Paul to get me food because I didn't want to leave the room at all. It was ridiculous, but I was lucky. Paul he wound up having two days off after we initially moved in so he was free to enable me being a bedroom hermit.
Those two first days were the hardest and by some miraculous means Paul's boss had scheduled him off those two days in a row in the middle of the week, and it made it easier to get through. I felt so out of place, a general anxiety looming over me. To say I wasn't grateful for Paul's time would be a lie.
Paul would bring me up food during the day. In the room we stayed, watching T.V and coexisting. Other than my anxiety plaguing me on and off throughout the ordeal, it was calm. Alain would wake up early for work and leave the house by nine, not coming back until five. His schedule wasn't too different from Paul's... except Alain usually got out earlier. If only it were the other way around, I wished Paul would be home first.
The second day of Paul's time off, he had been watching the news before getting up and leaving the room. The T.V still went on in the background as I surfed the web on my laptop. After a bit I suddenly took notice of the little notification. I saw I missed many video calls from my mother. I sighed.
"You good?"
"PAUL"
I sputtered his name, my pulse picking up as my boyfriend made his presence known. He was quiet when he wanted to be... more I noticed he was quiet person when he wasn't pissed and storming around. Stoic and quiet, that was my boyfriend on a casual basis now so it seemed. Still a major improvement from the angry, scowling guy I'd been scared of before.
With that stoic face, he nodded down at one of two bowls of ramen he had in his hands. One was held out for me, the chops sticks sticking out of the paper bowl it had been heated up in.
"Sorry about the microwave ramen, I'll go food shopping after work."
"Ramen's fine, I don't mind."
"I'd rather you eat something better. You're looking pale for your complexion lately. Eating this shit won't help that."
Coming around to his side of the bed, Paul sat down and plucked his own chopsticks from his ramen. He took a bite and chewed before glancing back at me, noting I was still glued to my computer screen. Swallowing first, he again asked what my deal was.
"Mom kept trying to call me through video chat. I'm fine though."
I lied, fixing the chopsticks in my fingers. Mom's attempt at contacting me felt foreboding. Her reaching out to me so frantically after what had transpired felt too soon. Paul set his chopsticks down in his bowl and reached over, pressing the X to close the window on my computer. After removing the problem, he resumed eating.
"He hasn't been bugging you too, has he?"
"No...haven't heard from him."
"Good."
Eating, I went about opening the browser again as Paul went back to watching the T.V. Looking at the room around me, I was reminded of a problem which came with it. Part of moving away from the Pokémon Center meant I was now unemployed. Wincing internally, I began a job search online for the area as I carefully typed with one hand whilst holding my food.
Not much came up, at least not for entry level jobs. Everything else required experience or an education and that made me feel horrible about myself. Gloom must have been hanging over me like a storm cloud because suddenly Paul was nosily looking over my shoulder at the screen again.
"Job searching, huh?"
"Would you stop that?" I retorted impulsively, jumping Paul had spoken without warning.
"You should be eating. Any luck with the search though?"
Disappointed, I shook my head no. Paul nodded, staring at the screen for a moment longer.
"I can ask Margaret if she knows of anything available. But don't stress over it, if you find a job I mean. You're provided for. I'm taking care of you."
It was true, Paul was taking care of me. He found us the room, he'd be buying the food and was the one looking after me. As nice a sentiment as it was, I didn't like feeling dependant. But, I didn't want to seem ungrateful. Regardless, I needed Paul for many reasons. I didn't want money to be one of those reasons. Definitely not money.
"I'll pay you back my portion of the rent as soon as I can." I assured Paul, about to inquire how much Alain was charging. "Let me know what the rent is-"
"You don't owe me anything."
"Paul-"
"Ash, you literally don't owe me anything. Alain isn't charging."
That shut my argument right up, leaving a new problem in its wake.
"Why isn't he charging rent?" I asked, suspicious. "We're staying in his house. We're using utilities. That costs money."
"He owes me." Paul answered simply. "He owes me more than a room and hot water bill are worth."
"Uh...? Actually, nevermind."
I was going to ask a question but shut myself up. Clearing my throat, I recovered from my fumble. Going on to eat, I tried letting the unasked question die but Paul met eyes with me. Wordless, he urged me to come out with it. I was quiet and Paul shook his head in dry annoyance.
"Ash, talk to me. I don't like having to pull everything out of you. Out with it."
"Sorry... " I apologized, now playing idly by tapping my chopsticks together by the tips. "I just wanted to know how you know Alain, is all. "
"Was that hard so hard to say?"
The question wasn't meant to be answered, and I didn't answer it. Paul looked back at the television , talking as the anchor woman went on about a local story involving Eevees. I didn't catch much else of it being my attention was on Paul.
"Alain's an old acquaintance of mine, you could say. We go back a long time."
"...a long time?"
"Since I was a teenager. He's my brother's old friend."
That was not what I expected. Paul stated it so emotionally uninvested, sounding as if he didn't even give a damn. Alain had seemed so much more invested in Paul days before though. Something wasn't adding up. I was missing something. I was missing a lot. Paul gave me a sidelong peek, catching me as the wheels turned in my head. Instead of mentioning Alain's behavior, and Paul's response to it, I scapegoated with another question.
"Why does Alain owe you?"
My question seemed to impress Paul who watched me, eyebrow raised just a bit. Catching the boldness of my nosey question I tried to retract it but Paul answered it anyways. Sort of.
"He owes me for a lot of reasons. Did him a favor once. A big favor, along with others."
"Okay..."
"You've got nothing to worry about."
I trusted Paul and let any lingering worries I had revolving Alain go, but it didn't disperse the air of mystery around him. When Paul had to work the next day I was left alone in the house. Both Alain and Paul were gone, Alain having left spare keys with Paul and one of which Paul handed off to me. I didn't want to go out yet but I didn't want to sit around the house alone either.
Giving myself time to debate, I messaged Richie instead. He messaged back right away, a finer point of our friendship. He asked how I was and I explained I moved and he of course promised not to repeat that to anyone. The details of my living arrangement were left vague, just that I was with Paul and an acquaintance of his. Richie accepted my answer for what it was under the knowledge I was still living in Sinnoh.
Moving along, he informed he planned on making a visit at some point. From there he went on to tell me about Professor Oak mentioning he would be returning my Pikachu to me soon. That put me in a better mood. Stuck in such unfamiliar surroundings, soon something familiar would be coming my way. Hopefully so would a job.
xxxxx
I wound up stepping foot outside the house for the first time days later. For days before work Paul would encourage me to go out, even if it was just for a walk.
"Get some air. This room will suffocate you, eventually." he urged. "There's plenty of stuff to see around here. Promise me you'll go explore some of it."
When I first tried, I found myself frozen. I was scared of an invisible threat but shook it off and all but ran from the house to force myself away from it. From there I began a manual job search, poking in and out of shops hoping they were in need of a helping hand.
I bit off more than I could chew my first day out. I came up empty after inquiring at different shops in a plaza near Alain's home and put myself in a shitty mood. Tired and growing hot under hours of the summer sun, I walked along the road before stopping to take a break under a tree.
The sun was still high in the sky, barely four o'clock in the afternoon and I just wanted to go back home and sleep... but sleeping would waste the day away. My lack of success finding a job was depressing and I had nothing to do. Sleeping wasn't the answer. If I slept, I'd be up late. And I'd get an earful from Paul once he figured out I'd gone and messed up my sleep.
The scenery around me was nice though, warding off any lingering negative thoughts for a bit. Instead of feeding the voice in the back of my head, I focused on the sunlight warming my cheeks. The grass all around was vivid and green, wild flowers sprouting and growing tall towards the sky for sunlight. Taking off my hat, I let the warm rays kiss my hair.
Far, far in the distance I could see the beach. Surely it was probably busy, filled with families. Kids in the sand and teenagers splashing about in the water with their friends... The beach, the idea of it sounded nice. Really nice. It'd been a while since I'd gone. Years even.
It felt weird but I wanted to go, even if I was by myself. I could waste hours away there and just clear my head. That wouldn't be a waste of time at all, really. Problem was I didn't have swim trunks on me, but I did have some packed with my stuff at home.
Getting up, I put my hat back on. Staring in to the distance I saw the shore and nodded to myself as Wingull flew about like dots in the sky. I would go, it wasn't like anyone would give me grief for taking time to myself. Not anymore.
Walking back home, I adamantly decided I would go to the beach. I made it back to the house at a quarter past four and went up to the room for my swim trunks. I put them in my bag before going to look for a new towel. Paul had mentioned something about there being towels in a specific closet but for the life of me I couldn't remember which.
"Towels... towels..." I mumbled, trying to remember as I paced down the hall looking around like I was clueless. " Crap, I can't remember anything- AH!"
Something caused me to trip. My foot caught on something solid and as I fell I saw something under me. I managed to catch myself and stand back up but in the process I accidentally punted what I initially tripped on. Turns out it was a Pokémon because it went running off after I accidentally hit my foot on it. A blur of blue dashed in to a room, the door creaking open.
Feeling horrible, I went after the Pokemon without stopping to think if I should go in to a room that wasn't mine. Inside, the curtains were closed leaving the room pretty dark. I could see well enough that when a tail disappeared under the bed, the yellow end of it caught my attention. I got down on the floor, dropping my chest to the hardwood, and peered under the bed.
"Hello? Hey, I'm sorry for almost falling on you...wanna come out so I can see if you're okay.?" I pleaded to the mystery pokemon under the bed, unable to see it. "I didn't mean to kick you either...hello? I'm really sorry, Bud. Please come out?"
The hardwood floor clicked as whatever was under the bed crept around. I held my breath, hoping it would come out. It went silent and I sighed sadly to myself, convinced it was too scared to reveal itself to the guy who pretty much kicked it when the poor thing had been minding its own business.
"I'm sorry..."
Obviously I hadn't done it on purpose, but I felt so bad. The Pokémon not coming out made me feel worse, guilty even. I pleaded for it to come out but nothing. I stared at the black space before my eyes, feeling my throat tighten. I took a breath, accepting that the Pokémon wouldn't be coming out. So when two big, yellow eyes appeared, I gasped.
A furry blue head popped out from under the bed.
"A Shinx?"
The little Shinx stared up at me, then just crawled out from under the bed completely. I sat back on my heels as it put it's paws on my chest, looking me over. It's tail waved back and forth and I picked it up, making sure to check for injury. With it's paws now curled towards it's chest and it's feet dangling, the Shinx looked perfectly fine as I held it about an arms length away from me.
I brought it in closer to check it's head when I felt a wet, sandy texture at the corner of my eye. The Shinx had licked the outer corner of my eye before pressing the top of it's head on my nose. It purred and rubbed its fur on my face until I sneezed. The Shinx looked startled at the loud noise and I laughed at the look on its face.
"You laughing at Shinx?"
In the doorway stood Alain, shoulder rested on the frame. Arms crossed he gave a dry snort of amusement when I nearly leapt from my skin. I was frozen, holding Shinx in the middle of the floor on my heels. It was still dark in the room and Alain casually reached over and flipped on the light.
"Let's shed a little light on the subject, shall we?" He drawled before casting light upon the room. "There we go. Welcome to my room, I guess."
Turns out I was in Alain's room, where all the furniture was black. The room wasn't meticulously organized but it was decently well kept. Some studded belts hung from a dresser drawer that was left open and there were some hooded sweatshirts and leather jackets left out but overall his room wasn't messy. A bookshelf full of books stood in one corner and a guitar case sat propped against the wall by the bed where Alain picked it up as he walked by me on the floor.
"Care explaining why you're in here?" He asked, almost like he didn't actually care.
His attention was more drawn to unzipping his instrument from its case.
"I, um, I tripped on your Shinx in the hall..." I explained carefully, worried that perhaps nearly hurting what I assumed was Alain's pokemon would be a horrible icebreaker. "He ran in here and I came in to check on him. Sorry, I'll just go-"
"I'm not kicking you out. You can stay if you want to. Not doing anything, anyways."
Taking a seat on his mattress, Alain met eyes with me as he pulled his guitar from it's case.
"You going to play?"
"Maybe. If I get inspired."
With the instrument in place across his lap he began tweaking the strings, tuning it to his liking. I was surprised at how non threatening he was carrying himself in comparison to days prior when I'd met him. The shift was enough to rattle me again, regardless.
"...thanks for the invitation but I was planning on going back out, anyways..." I told him, mindlessly petting Shinx on his head, doing my best to look unrattled under Alain's stare.
His newfound 'friendliness' was odd.
"Oh? Where you running off to?"
"The beach...really just came back for some trunks. Got kind of side tracked with Shinx here. "
Alain nodded, brushing hair from his face. I could now see that his ear was pierced.
"I just came home from work, didn't know you finally left the house. Figured you were here all day. " He commented before starting to strum nonchalantly. " Good for you for going out. Paul's real worried about you. Says you're not too assertive."
His words were, what I felt to be, cutting. I took it offensively realizing he was claiming Paul was talking behind my back. Hurt must have showed through my face because as a sharp pain racked up the inside of my ribcage, Alain paused to look at me. He dismissed my turmoil with a shrug.
"Paul doesn't comment on anything he doesn't find relevant." he explained to me. "I'll just leave it at that. I've known him a while."
"Yeah, he said you two knew each other back when he was a teenager..."
"A teenager huh? Him and I go back a little longer than that."
I was interested in where Alain would go with his statement. Remembering something Paul had also said, I brought it up.
"He mentioned something about his brother, you were his friend first or something like that-" I started, before catching a Alain watching me closely, sort of how people silently warned one another to watch their words carefully."B-But I'm not sure."
"Reggie and I were friends." He confirmed. "Once upon a time. When Paul was still a kid."
"I see...well uh,I'm going to go now. I'd rather get to the beach before dark."
Putting Shinx down, I stood back up. Alain's eyes followed me and I turned quickly to leave but Shinx jumped on to the back of my left calf and clung to the denim of my jeans. I wasn't ready for it and flinched, twisting my torso to get a look at what Shinx was up to.
I tried nudging him off but he wouldn't budge. He would bat at my fingers playfully with his paw and purr when I tried budging him. I tried coaxing him off but that just ended with me bent over awkwardly, trying to reason with the Pokémon. One, which for whatever reason, really didn't want me to leave. I looked back to Alain for help.
He was staring at me and only came out of it when I met his eyes. He blinked and looked to Shinx. He clicked his tongue to call him back but the Shinx wouldn't obey. Which was strange to me, Pokémon were supposed to obey their trainers.
"Shinx likes you." Alain stated matter of factly after the Pokémon wouldn't return to him. "You should stay."
"Maybe another time? I really wanted to get to the beach."
Slinging the guitar's strap over his shoulder, he moved it to rest on his back. He stood from his bed and approached me, bending at the waist silently to pull Shinx off me. Shinx resisted a bit but then gave in to Alain's hold, lightly purring.
"Off you go then." Alain said in parting as he brought Shinx back to his bed and repositioned his guitar to resume playing. "If you're looking to swim go to the far east of the beach, it's quiet. The families with kids usually take up everything else."
As I began to leave something weighed on my mind suddenly. After taking a few steps outside Alain's bedroom door, I popped my head back in.
"Hey, could I ask you a quick question?"
"Shoot."
"Where are the towels?
xxxxxx
After changing in to trunks, I set my bag down on the gray towel I toted with me to the beach. Far off to the west the beach was busy and bustling with the remaining families whom were finishing their summer day outings. Sitting down on the towel with my knees pulled up towards my chest, I rested my crossed arms on them and watched as kids played in the distance.
A bunch of them were in the sand, each building various things with their pails and shovels. Alongside each group of kids were their parents who were either lounging with magazines and books or just lying in the sun catching up on their tans. The kids all smiled and went about their sandcastles as their parents either watched on silently or encouraged their creative work.
One child stood out to me amongst them all. He wasn't in the sand though. In the shallow water along the shore he ran after his mother who was smiling from ear to ear and encouraging her son to catch her. The boy, who couldn't be an older than 5, laughed and ran as fast as his small legs could carry him. Wet pops of his feet left footprints in the sand as he chased after his mother with eyes as bright as the sun hanging in the sky.
Xxxxx
"Ash, Honey! Come to Mommy!"
The young, youthful face of my mother smiled to me from where she stood in the water of the ocean. With sand covering my legs and a castle in the making between them, I paused with my shovel. Looking up I saw my mother beckoning for me, her bright pink one piece swimsuit standing out against the dull tan sand.
"Mama! But my Castle isn't done!"
"Oh sweetie, come play with Mommy in the water. Bring the beach ball I bought you."
The bright new beach ball my mother had bought that day was blown up and waiting in the large beach bag sitting under the umbrella next to me. Excited, I ditched my castle and picked up the ball before running after my mother. She held her arms out laughing as my little feet kicked up sand while I ran.
"That's it! Come to Mommy!"
Picking me up, she swung me around before walking in to the water. Using the ball to keep myself afloat, I kicked my feet as my mother watched on with dimples dotting her cheeks. It was bliss. At five years old, there was nothing hanging over my head. Not yet.
When we left the water, my mother held my hand. Our feet left prints in the wet sand, small ones right along side a trail of larger ones. The trail went on as we walked, until she picked me up in to her arms, only one trail of feet leaving their mark now. With my head rested on her shoulder, I asked her a question with the innocent bluntness only a child could muster.
"Mama? Do you think Daddy will be back when we go home?"
"We don't talk about him!" she snapped, starling me silent.
With eyes wide like saucers, I stared at my mothers face which contorted in to a vicious scolding expression. When I said nothing else on the matter, her face wavered on regret before she returned to herself. Smoothing down my hair she pecked my face and kept walking
From over her shoulder I watched as she made new footprints in the sand, the ocean tide coming in and washing away the ones we'd made together right before my eyes. That day, I learned not to ask questions. Just like the footprints, my voice was washed away with the ocean.
.
xxxxx
The sun crept lower in the sky, rays still blazing. The mother hoisted up her child as he giggled and wrapped his arms around her neck, his legs supported by his mother's hold. Rubbing his hair, she promised him a tub of ice cream was waiting for him at home. A tub of ice cream she had his father pick up, especially for him.
Watching them gather their things, I smiled as the small boy went on about how much fun he had playing on the beach. He chatted his mother's ear off as they walked away. Once they left, I was caught in a trance by the tide. In and out it would come and go, gently lapping at the edge of the shore. It would lick at the sand, just barely reaching the footprints before retreating.
Getting up, I approached the water and wet my feet in it. The cool water submerged them, coming up to splash my ankles. Ignoring the bite of the water's cold temperature, I kept walking in deeper without waiting for my body to adjust. In seconds the water was at my waist and seeping in to my trunks before I took a deep breath and dove under.
Swimming in blindly, I came up for air when I felt my lungs tighten and my diaphragm quiver with the need for oxygen. Gasping, I took another deep breath and went under again. The current hit me and with my eyes closed, I had no idea which way I was facing or where exactly I was. Just buoyant and adrift, the water concealing me from the world above.
Despite the cold and the salt seeping in to the very corner of my eyes, I didn't want to come up for air again. Holding on as long as I could, I stayed beneath the surface. I wondered what it would be like not to come back up ever. If the ocean could swallow me and keep me in the dark forever. But as I debated waiting to find out, a particularly strong wave came. I was turned and sunlight was shining down through the surface and leaking past my eyelids.
The current pushed me back up towards the surface, my face being the first thing the sunlight touched again. I opened my eyes, blinking away the salt water. It burned slightly and I couldn't really see. Although the salt was enough to sting my eyes, it wasn't the cause for the tears threatening to slip past my eyelids.
With sight temporarily gone, the smell of the ocean became stronger. I could also hear every gurgle of the shifting water as I centered myself. The smell of the ocean breeze filled my nostrils as it blew past me. Along with the familiar smell of nicotine faintly sticking to it.
When I opened my eyes there was Paul standing near the shore, a lit cigarette between his lips. He had on a simple pair of black swim trunks. The ends of his hair which had grown to about his Adam's apple, were now freshly trimmed to rest right below his chiseled jawline, the front layered in to longer strands in the back. His bangs were cut to taper past his brow. The cut wasn't too much different than his previous look, just a bit shorter and cleaned up.
"You got your haircut?" Was the first thing I said to him as I treaded water, keeping myself afloat.
Paul nodded, taking a drag off his cigarette.
"We're having an event at work. Margaret requested I get a trim for presentation purposes."
Swimming towards Paul, I approached shore until I had to stand and walk the shallow water. Water dripped from my hair and trunks and Paul blew a cloud of smoke over his shoulder away from me. Just glad to see him, I leaned up to peck him on the lips but he put a finger on my chin to stop me.
"I'm on my second one. You don't want to kiss me right now, believe me." He warned, emphasizing the cig he was smoking. " This shit lingers."
"I don't care" I objected right away.
Ensuring the cigarette was held out of reach so he smoke wouldn't hit me, Paul took my chin and drew me in for a kiss. What I expected to be a dry peck turned out to be a full on, wet kiss. I could taste the cigarette in his mouth and made a face reflexively when pulling away.
"Told you."
"Lesson learned..."
Paul went on to finish his cigarette and I stepped in close to him, resting my face on his chest. My hair dripped on to my shoulders and his pectorals. He didn't seem to care. He put one arm around my shoulders.
"What are you doing here anyways?"
"Was going to ask you the same thing."
"I wanted fresh air."
I didn't see Paul as the beach type. So, I waited expectantly for his answer. What could have possibly drawn him to the beach?
"Alain tipped me off when I got home from work. I see you got around to talking to him finally?"
Alain's name made me go rigid and Paul finished his cigarette, dropping it in the sand. With what was supposed to be reassurance, he rubbed my shoulder while staring out over the ocean behind me.
"No point tip toeing around him. He's not one for that, you're better off being on talking terms with him."
"Well you are, clearly."
"Alain's a good guy. "
Recalling Alain's remark over his friendship with Paul's older brother, Reggie, my mouth got ahead of me.
"Then why aren't him and Reggie friends anymore?"
"Cuz my brother can't save everybody."
Paul pulled me to sit down on the towel I had set out. Sidling up close to him, I brought my knees up to my chest again. The breeze blew over me, chilling my wet skin. Paul put his arm over me, keeping me warm. He still smelled like cigarette, it was all I could smell amongst the ocean breeze now. My nostrils becoming numb to the smell of the beach with Paul there.
"My brother's thirty two, just so you know. He's ten years older than me...so he was more like a parent to me than a sibling. My mother didn't want to bother taking care of the kid she didn't plan on having so Reggie did it, basically. "
"Paul-"
"She chose drugs over us." he interrupted me, voice dropping bitterly. " And that's why Reggie hates her. Alain chose drugs over him. Get the picture?"
Nodding, I avoided Paul's face. I was scared to look at him, unsure of what I'd see. That, and there was something about the way he could just spit out his hardships so bluntly that was painful to hear. It had a way of pulling up memories I didn't care to think off. He made it seem so easy. Like the memories were these tangible manifestations you could physically just throw away.
"I need to stop asking questions."
Eyes kept low, I stared out over the shore, fighting the thoughts beginning to surface. The ones I wish I could crumple up like an old photo and throw away. It worked well enough until I spotted the trail of footprints from earlier being swallowed by the incoming tide. Erasing them.
Like wildfire, my throat burned immediately and my eyes stung as if someone had kicked sand in them. The ocean air suddenly didn't smell like salt or Paul's cigarettes anymore. It smelled like my mother's perfume. Inhaling because I had no other choice, the smell brought me years back in my head. My grasp being lured away from me. I could see from the corner of my eye that Paul watched me, alarmed at my sudden shift.
"What's wrong?"
Not knowing what else to say, I looked at him. Tears filled the corners of my eyes, clouding my vision. Chest quivering I shrugged and glanced towards the shore before looking back at him. I parted my lips to speak and my voice cracked, revealing how tired I sincerely was. I didn't have an answer for him at first, then I said the first thing that came to mind.
"The water washed away the footprints. "
Xxxxx
Sunset had begun when Paul decided he wanted to go in the water. When I cried, I clammed up and refused to talk about what went through my head. Paul already knew he wasn't going to pull anything from me. But a look and I knew he was leaving it for my own well being, mostly because we were outside.
He had hoisted me up in his arms and carried me in to the water. It was cold again, colder as the night went on. Paul didn't seem phased by the cold at all. He kept me close, the water coming up to our stomachs as he held me to him like a child clinging to their parent. The water splashed around our hips and thighs as Paul faced the ocean, the shore behind him where I looked over his shoulder.
I was instructed to turn my head and saw the sun nearly disappearing in the horizon. The water was dark blue, reflecting the darkening sky. It was kind of scary actually, the long expanse of dark water with just a sliver of light at the end of it.
"The water's getting dark..."
"You scared of it?"
"Sort of …you can't see very far in it."
As I adjusted to rest my head against his, Paul a made sound in the back of his throat.
"Not much different than life really. At least the sun comes up every morning, lights up the water again. Back on the shore you can see everything... but the sand is changing all day. Doesn't mean shit, really."
"The dark still creeps me out."
"The dark is not really what you have to worry about. It's loss of sight is the real problem when you really get down to it. You can't see what's in front of you, ultimately that's what's scary."
With no comment, I put my chin back on Paul's shoulder and look at the shore again. Past the beach there were people walking and I put my head down, feeling self conscious although I couldn't even see any of their faces. I doubted they could see me. Again, Paul had hit the nail on the head, this time about the dark. Instead of saying something about it, I asked what he was thinking.
"I'm thinking It's time we go home."
When back home I showered off the day. Alain wasn't home, having gone out sometime while I was gone. Paul was the one who noticed it before he went to shower after me. As the shower turned on I dried off and prepared to change in to a clean set of underwear. To my dismay, when moving, most of my clothes had been in a dirty laundry bag in need of washing. So when rummaging through what was left of my clean clothes, there were no boxers. What I did have were some pairs of bikini briefs that I did not care for.
Usually I was more careful to get my laundry done weekly. But during the sudden move my routine had gotten messed up. Opting to not go bare ass, I sucked it up and wore the bikini briefs. If Paul saw them, whatever. I'd deal with whatever teasing I got. Although, I'd rather just avoid it all together. Personally, I felt bikini briefs were a bit feminine. But with no other options, I slipped on a pair of black ones.
When looking for a pair of pants to wear, I couldn't find the bag that had them. Rummaging around, they were nowhere to be found. I refused to re wear the ones I wore to sleep days before. Determined, I kept looking. Being they were nowhere to be found, I came to the conclusion it may be time to get the laundry done. I'd have to ask Alain about the washing machine, if the house had one. Giving up on pants, I took a baggy shirt and stood up.
"Don't bother."
The shirt I had in my hands was now being used as a makeshift shield as I draped it across my torso in an attempt to cover myself. I was met with Paul whom had exited the shower undetected. Having brought his underwear in with him, he stood wearing dark gray boxers as he towel dried his hair.
Not knowing what to say, I stared at him. He flung the towel he held away before openly staring at what little of me was visible. With what I could only describe as a predatory look in his eyes, he told me to drop the shirt. When I opened my mouth to resist, it was clear there wasn't much room for argument. Still, I held on for the sake of my dignity.
Without a word Paul approached me and I took a step back in to the wall. I effectively wound up trapping myself. He wanted me to drop the shirt but I couldn't. It was stupid, but I was embarrassed. I may have well been standing there wearing a pair of panties I was so embaressed of being seen wearing the bikini briefs.
With Paul so close, it was much clearer how much bigger than me he was. Not that I never noticed he was large, obviously. Just with my current situation, I felt small, making me really take in some details about Paul I hadn't paid mind to before...
Where I was lightly sculpted, Paul was muscular. So fucking built it was amazing, his biceps nearly twice the size of mine and thighs built large with years of whatever manual labor he'd done in warehouses previously. I peeked up at him then my eyes wandered lower to the chiseled V line of his pelvis peaking out from his boxers...the type of underwear I wish I had been wearing.
Those boxers of his were tented. Paul's eyes glued to the sliver of visible underwear I was hiding from him. It hit me, he wanted to see them. That he liked them and that was why his attention was so suddenly fixed on me. Still, my own insecurities got in the way. With more patience than I gave Paul credit for, he leaned in close, one hand rested palm flat on the wall by my head.
"Let me see."
I wouldn't budge.
"Look, I already got an eyeful. I liked what I saw."
Paul looked down at me, pinched the material of the shirt I was holding and tugged it away with hardly any effort at all. The fabric slipped from my fingers like I hadn't been gripping them with white knuckles. Those white knuckles were now trembling under Paul's smoldering eyes and deep, demanding voice.
Like a painting along the blank wall I stood out, Paul looking right at me. Not knowing where to put my hands, my palms pressed flat on the wall by my sides. My knees bowed, closing inwards and I bowed my head down to hide behind my bangs.
Paul's stare was so raw, his body heat radiating right on to me. His proximity left me trembling at the shoulders caught between wanting to become invisible and burying myself in his hold. But those hungry eyes of his, they were already starting to feast.
As I began shrinking in to myself, I couldn't deny how arousing it was none the less. Paul's predatory eyes, his confidence...and him in general. I'd never given it any thought prior, but how large in stature Paul was turned me on. It was still new, being the physically submissive one sexually, but that itself added to the thrill.
Gary was smaller than I was, only a little, but still smaller. But he aways ran the show. He enjoyed being on the receiving end of intimacy, if you could call it that with him, but was still the one in power. With Paul looming over me, ready to pounce, it struck me how much I actually enjoyed his attention on me. The sincere desire he had to enjoy both my body.
Gary never paid attention to me, not like that. And when he did give me attention, it was for his own entertainment. He was flexing his control. If giving up the power meant getting the sincere attention, so be it. I never wanted the power to begin with it. I wanted to be taken care of and simply feel wanted.
I wanted to feel desirable, and Paul was doing a great job of that.
Gary couldn't physically take me on, but Paul could. He could pick me up and throw me around if he really wanted to. Yet, Paul used only enough force to show he was the boss in bed. He never used that power over me to hold it over my head. Those large, strong hands of his wrapped around my waist and quickly grasped me by the ass. I was hoisted up and pinned between the wall and his chest.
Paul's lips blew hot air in to my ear and I moaned. In a flash those lips were on mine, sucking and pillaging for all I was worth.
Hands now grasping Paul by the head, I clenched at his violet locks. The trimmed ends felt nice under my fingers and in that moment something about him with a haircut was fucking sexy. I could picture him marching around work with that stoic face of his, shoulders held back with his stalky stride. Dressed in his manager's outfit, him just seeping authority. Sneering when he was pissed and scaring the shit out of anyone who made the mistake of giving him attitude... then coming home to enjoy me.
Struck with intense arousal, I gripped his hair harder. In return, I was kissed more roughly and opened my mouth wide for Paul without hesitation, giving in to him completely. Paul felt that submission and grunted in approval before carrying me over to the bed.
When he tried to drop me, I didn't want to let go of him. He slapped my ass sharply and I yelped, being dropped down to the mattress. I reached to nurse the spot but Paul stopped me, keeping me placed on my back.
"Arms up for me." he instructed.
Slowly, I brought my arms up above my head, relaxing towards the elbows as instructed by Paul. I was rigid again as he looked me over, eyes lingering on the underwear now failing to conceal my arousal. I darted my tongue out to wet my lips as my boyfriend ran the tip of one finger from my cheek bone past my chin and neck, then down my chest to the bones jutting out from my pelvis.
"Look at these." He groaned. "They're so small on you."
When my knees moved closed on their own accord, Paul wedged his hand between them before my knee caps could touch. Hand wrapped around the inside of one knee, he pulled it apart from the other. Steady and blunt, he scolded me without any venom behind his words.
"Don't close your legs." He warned me sternly, groping at the taut skin of my thigh. "Understood?"
"Mm-hm."
"Perfect."
Faint white prints were left where he had gripped when those large hands resumed running over my body, touching where they pleased. It was heavily heated with Paul's stare but incredibly sensual with his slow, steady touch. I'd never been touched all over like that, watched so closely all the while. Like he was trying to remember everything.
Soon his mouth began to trail where his hands had touched. One hand slid up from my hip to my pectorals as the other trailed the length of my neck. His lips followed the path, his wet tongue lashing out to taste the pink flesh budding from my chest. The contact startled me, my body reering back by the shoulders in a quick convulsion
Paul was quick to follow the movement, licking me again. At the yelp I gave, Paul groaned to himself and held me by the shoulder. Pinned down to the bed his teeth grazed my skin and my hips bucked at the quick, sharp pain radiating from the spot he bit right above my nipple.
"Woah!...ah..."
His hot breath ghosted my skin, the edge of his front teeth threatening to make contact again. The anticipation left me breathless and panting, fear and excitement building whilst I leaked profusely from my erection. Paul held off on striking and I gave an anxious cry as the tip of his tongue began circling my unbitten nipple. The skin tingled and goose bumped around the pink bud. As Paul pressed himself closer, I could feel his erection pulsing and pressing in to my thigh. My erection poked him in the abdomen.
"I could play with you like this all day." he whispered huskily, tweaking my nipple between his fingers now, enjoying as my hips bucked while whimpering at the touch. I could also take this black number off you and give your writhing body a real reason to shiver."
I reached for Paul's shoulders but Paul pinned my arms up before I could move. Holding them down, he kissed me, driving his tongue deep inside my mouth. He rocked his hips in to me, rubbing the head of my erection around in the slippery mositure accumilated in my underwear. The sensitive tip of my dick absolutely tingled, over stimulated. My hips rocked impulsively on their own.
"Fuck! Fuck!" I cried out loudly, then gasping as my release shot from my body almost painfully. "PAUL!"
My voice rose, bouncing off the walls. The moaning that followed left me winded, not enough air for me to suck in. I gasped between shudders of my diaphragm and legs. I was extremely loud and Paul made no effort to muffle me at all... even as we heard the front door open and shut with someone's entrance.
Paul held me down as my body quaked, my chin cutting up and mouth falling open as I called out with my orgasm. Alain walking up the stairs all the while. Neck exposed, Paul ran the flat of his tongue over the smooth tan skin there, pressing on the small buldge of my Adam's apple, immersed in what we were doing.
When I felt my peak began to come down, Paul was peeling off my underwear. My intimate flesh was wet and sticky at the tip from my release. I was stroked, more given a firm squeeze. My tired muscles seized and I gasped. Paul's black eyes were set right on my mouth as my lips parted.
"If I wasn't Itchin' to fuck you right this second, I'd put that little mouth of yours to work again." he nearly growled, pawing at my ribs then bending one of my legs back by the thigh. "Wailing like that... Fucking Christ you're a screamer. I can't wait any longer."
One hand holding the back of my thigh, Paul reached in to the nightstand and pulled out lotion he apparently moved to it's rightful place. I stared up at the ceiling, panting as he slammed the nightstand drawer shut. All I could think as Paul slicked himself down was that he seemed awfully pent up. I couldn't figure out why he was suddenly so ready to snap before remembering he hadn't made a move on me in a week.
He hadn't tried instigating since the morning of the move... before he'd come home and found me succumbed to the aftermath of my own anxiety and paranoia. With the realization came a wet finger pressing my entrance urgently. After coming to the conclusion Paul had held off on sex for a week for me, I didn't blame him for losing his patience. Even with his fingers slipping in right to the second knuckle upon entrance.
"N-Nng, that's tight..." I spoke up quietly, not resisting as Paul began opening me up with two fingers but holding my breath as I felt a third finger itching to creep in. "A-ah..."
"You've got it, relax."
Three fingers in and I focused on breathing. Paul squeezed more lotion on to his fingers, making them slick and incredibly wet. With the extra lubrication, three fingers pistoned in and out of me and defied the tight hold I had on them. Paul's fingers dove in to the hilt of his fingers, pressing in to my sweet spot so roughly I gave a sharp heated yelp.
"S-Sorry!" I sputtered, aware that somewhere in the house Alain probably could hear my ruckus.
"The fuck are you apologizing for?"
"I should be quiet... Alain can probably hear-"
The hand Paul had on the underside of my thigh let go to relocate to the back of my skull. He held my cranium, smashing his mouth on mine. I ground my ass on to his hand, shivering as my left nipple was tweaked again and Paul released my mouth to nip my chin.
"I couldn't give a shit less if he hears, let him."
Paul's boxers were slid off and I lifted my legs towards my chest as he positioned himself at my entrance. Once the head slipped past the ring of muscle, he took my ankles in hand and pulled my legs down to wrap around his waist. My feet now rested at the dip of his lower back, I was thrusted in to fully, my entrance having been open and waiting from the position.
He was as close to me as he could physically get and I wished he could somehow be closer. So I kissed him, not caring if I was defying the power trip Paul was taking. He could do whatever he wanted, I just wanted a kiss as his warm body weighed down on me. I wanted that closeness.
I wasn't given a scolding, Paul kissed me right back and rocked my body on the mattress. Over the sheets my body was pushed and dragged with the force of his thrusts. His pheromones wafted past my nose, sweat prickling from Paul's pores. I inhaled his scent, welcoming the mixture of soap and nicotine still stuck to him. That smell that was so naturally Paul.
"It's been a long week." Paul managed to tell me as he freed his lips of mine, clenching my head as he kept my face close to his. "I was going to leave you alone ...then you just had to put those on, huh? You get off tempting me like that?"
"It's just underwear..."
"You're an eyeful and don't even know it. Practically begging for it with that tight ass of yours."
His words left me flush in the face but it wasn't the vulgarity. Not completely. Paul was giving me dirty talk, but behind it was sincere flattery. He found me attractive, enough that he'd lost his cool over a pair of underwear during a little break in our bedroom. A break I actually hadn't even noticed or questioned, being so distracted and caught up in other bullshit.
I was doe eyed and pink in the cheeks as Paul groaned, pivoting his pelvis against me harder. I raised my hips and with a firm thrust he hit my prostate straight on. I cried out and he continued, cussing under his breath as I grasped at his biceps, squeezing and holding on as his girth stretched me.
"You like that?" He goaded me as my thighs shook, my stomach tightening with each slap of his pelvis. "Huh?"
"Yeees!" I moaned, leaning up to press my face in to his neck, feeling as color completely filled my face. "Fuck! Right there!"
No warning, Paul pressed down in to the mattress with his full weight and plowed away. My voice rose as I screamed in to his neck almost incoherently. I'd lost control right with Paul, giving caution no thought. I screamed as I came, squeezing Paul's biceps until I felt my joints lock. His hips went a mile a minute, bucking me around until he seized up and blew his load, hot and thick inside of me.
I could barely breath with Paul's weight pressing down on my diaphragm as I recovered from my orgasm, but I loved it. If I was going to be left struggling to breathe, I didn't care if it was under Paul. That was the closest I could get to him physically and I didn't object to that at all. He rode out his orgasm, the wave crashing as he breathed by my ear.
1He caught my light wheezing and backed up to give me air, but I curled my torso in to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders to hold on. With my hips on the bed and my torso lifted off of it, I hung on to Paul. Embracing him, my head was still on cloud nine. I wasn't ready to let go of him. My ears rung as we both panted, leaving me temporarily hearing impaired as blood rushed through my head.
I focused on the rise and fall of Paul's chest under my head, holding on to him tightly . Gradually, my hearing came back to me. I noticed Paul was not making any attempt to move. Gathering my bearings again, I felt lost in the heavy blanket of my afterglow. But through it, as my hearing came back, I heard the strumming of a guitar.
"You were my fire. So I burned, Til' there was nothing left of me..."
Alain was singing from somewhere, I could hear him strumming the guitar through the walls. The softer, more melodic playing was beautiful in comparison to the loud onslaught of chords Id heard him blare out when first meeting him. But the lyrics he sang weren't much more uplifting...
" I...I touched your face. I held you close, Til' I could barely breathe." Alain's voice drifted through the walls. " Why give me hope? Then give me up, just to be the death of me?"
There was a pause.
"Save the rest of me."
Paul moved to sit, pulling me with him. I let him, still holding on. We stayed close, Alain's voice filling the house in the distance. I rested my cheek on Paul, hearing his heartbeat along with the music.
"'Cause I see you, but I can't feel you. Anymore. So, go away... I need you, but I can't need you. Anymore. You hesitate."
In that moment, I wished Paul's heartbeat could overshadow the music.
"Now, now and then, you come around. Like there's something left for me." Alain sang so ruefully in to the night. " We were one, you were everything. I'm still here... But I'll just keep the rest of me."
It was actually heart breaking, him singing. I didn't have enough cognitivity in my head to analyze why he would be singing like that. I stayed quiet, listening and feeling my chest grow tighter. I didn't like melancholy beginning to seep inside my chest and head.
"Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you. Anymore. So, go away." He strummed on. "I need you, but I can't need you. Anymore. You hesitate."
As Alain broke off in to a short guitar solo, my fingers tightened around Paul. He rubbed my back, whispering that it was alright. I was getting emotional, and although Paul wasn't, he wasn't completely unphased. He looked up at the ceiling and I didn't know why, until realizing that Paul knew something I didn't. Alain wasn't in the house, he'd left the house through the attic door and was sitting somewhere on the roof as he strummed his guitar.
"We never made it, you hesitated. I don't believe...That I… "
Corners of my eyes hot with tears beginning to leak, I shut them. Trying to hide in Paul I hugged him tightly. I honestly couldn't figure out why I was so moved or why I was hurting just then. Paul put his lips on my head.
"...That I see you, but I can't feel you. Anymore. So, go away. I need you, but I can't need you. Anymore. You hesitate."
Although Paul was never a chipper presence, he felt...dark. Teary and foggy from sex minutes prior, my brain slowly began catching up to It's full potential. Instead of processing my escalating emotions, I observed Paul's body language. He was still, listening just as intently as I was.
"Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you. Anymore. So, go away." Alain's voice rose emotionally. Almost bitter. "I need you, but I can't need you anymore. You hesitate. Hesitate..."
As Alain's strumming began dwindling, my stomach dropped with his final chords.
"You, were my fire. So, I burned...now there's nothing left of me."
I put a hand to my mouth, breathing in deeply. Paul's skin felt wonderful, but my insides were cold. I focused on not losing myself and Paul was careful not to disturb me. Inside my head, my thoughts were racing with blank slates of emotion, my brain unable to make any connections to the emotions I was feeling and what I'd just heard.
"I don't know why that affected me so much..." I managed to speak up, explaining myself to Paul who I didn't even have to explain myself to. "His singing...the song..."
"You're vulnerable. That's all it is."
"Why was Alain singing that?"
"He's vulnerable too."
Being Paul spoke so simply, his voice almost solemn, I grew suspsicious. Not viciously, more an inkling curiosity that rose. Against my better judgment, I asked a question I dreaded as it popped in my head. I shook as I forced the words from my mouth, holding on to Paul, scared he'd somehow slip away if I let go.
"Was... was he singing to you?"
"He was." Paul answered, unhesitant. "But not for the reason you're thinking. "