I apologise in advance, but this chapter is roughly 90% fluff.

The bartender gave Johnny and me a nervous look as he came to refill out glasses – red for me, scotch for Johnny, about our seventh or maybe eighth complimentary refill. My head was staring to swim and beside me I saw Gat's eyes were unfocused. I couldn't blame the tender for being uneasy; we were sitting up at the bar, dressed in our best clothes – and covered in dirt and blood. In this town, you knew not to ask questions.

Gat turned, swaying slightly and holding his glass up towards me, a very slender smile on his face, "You know they say good friends help you move house, true friends help you move bodies?"

"Yeah?" I replied, blinking at him to try and focus.

"Whaddo they say about people who help you bury fuckers alive?"

I laughed. I didn't want to, not today, but I had to. Shogo, you fuck…

"He's probably still screaming." I said darkly, not relishing it but knowing Gat would. I glanced up at the bartender, who was staring at us with an expression of half disbelief, half horror. I raised an eyebrow.

"Somethin' you wanna say?" I growled darkly. He just shook his head quickly and went back to polishing the glasses. Gat chuckled darkly next to me, sadistic satisfaction and rage fighting for control over his features.

"He couldn't let her have a funeral… so I gave him one. Logical."

I slapped a hand on his shoulder a few times in agreement – I liked his logic. I frowned, swaying slightly and looking at my shoes sitting up on the bar. I'd tried wiping away some of the mud but I'd have to take them somewhere to get repaired.

"He made me ruin my shoes." I said bitterly, "Eesh would'a killed him for that." I said with a slight smile and a small laugh.

"Fuckin shoes," Gat said with a tipsy smile, his eyes beginning to twinge with pain. Then after a beat, "Eesh woulda never killed no one. She was too good. She was…"

"Your soul mate?" I said carefully sipping my wine.

"Fuck no." Gat replied, taking me by surprise.

"Uh?"

He was quickly shaking his hands to correct himself, "Not like that but…" He swayed in his seat, looking away and becoming philosophic, "I mean, c'mon, her soul was too damn good to be part of mine. Aisha was… she didn't deserve me. No I don't mean like that, I mean… she never did nothing to deserve me happening to her." He ran a hand through his hair, frowning darkly, "She was good, y'know? She was an angel, she was-"

"The light to your darkness…"

He looked at me groggily, brought up his drink to point it at me.

"That's… right."

His words had transported me back years, back to being convinced of leaving my sad little home and following Seth to Stilwater… Seth said that to me all the time. I'd been a light once… Seth had changed that.

"I dunno… it's weird without her." Johnny continued, shaking his head and staring at the ice in his glass. I hadn't seen him this good and wasted in a while; the man had the constitution of a grizzly bear… then I remembered the huge amounts of pain killers we was on everyday for his massive stab wound… I don't think you're supposed to drink when you're on those, but I was no doctor. Gat's eyes were unfocused as he continued, "Shit. She… of all the fuckin people on the planet she was the last one who deserved this. She was good. I mean if anyone's my god damn soul mate it's you."

"Wha?"

"C'mon. You an' me, we're cut from the same cloth." He said matter-of-factly, and I could only nod, "But Eesh shouldn't have been caught in this – I dragged her into it and it was my job to protect her and I fuckin' failed."

I landed a hand over his shoulder. "Don't go there." I warned him quickly, steadily as I could, "I know it's tempting, but don't think like that. Her death isn't on you."

"How isn't it?" he growled, glaring at the ice in his glass and downing another mouthful of scotch.

"Just take it from someone who's actually killed a boyfriend before, this one isn't on you." I said, taking another sip. There was a lengthy silence before I realised what I'd said to him. Seth had just been on my mind – I'd slipped up.

"What did he do to make you kill him?"

"… He… No, no, that's not important. What I'm saying is there's a big difference between feeling responsible and being responsible." I said, taking another mouthful of wine.

"… What did he do?" Gat repeated. I sighed.

"… You remember that VK you found for me?" I ventured, still unsure if I wanted to explain everything to him.

Gat gave an empty laugh, "Shit, like I could forget you shooting a guys dick off,"

I felt a dark smile curl around my mouth at the memory. Gat's hand was suddenly on my shoulder, "Shit, he was your boyfr-"

"Wha? No! Fuck no, not him." I said, running a hand through my hair and almost laughing. I sighed and thought about how to continue – I'd only ever shared this with two other people before… one of them was Aisha.

"Long story short, my boyfriend seemed to think I was a piece of property that could be sold to pay off debts. I had to remind him otherwise."

I tried to take another sip of my drink to look cool but a bit splashed out of the corner of my mouth and a drop ran down my neck. I swore and mopped it up with my palm. Gat was leaning both elbows on the bar, eyebrows raised as he stared at me.

"It was definitely a lot more than you makin' it out to be," he said coolly. I just rolled my eyes, head swimming.

"Johnny, I don't really want to talk about a guy I was in love with who did so fuckin bad by me I had to put a bullet in his eye." I said darkly, looking at my reflection in my glass of wine. It had been a rough day… I didn't want any worse memories infecting me. "But… when you mentioned before that you'd never really seen me with a guy… yeah. That's kinda the reason. To be honest, the thought of anyone even touching me like that again makes me sick."

Whoa, verbal vomit… there was a thick silence as I got my head around what I had just acknowledged. I'll admit it never really crossed my mind before as to why I just wasn't interested in guys… I'd always sort of figured I was too focused on my 'career'. But no… since that night so many years ago, it was as if any part of me that wanted sex or love or that was capable of feeling that passion that I'd had with Seth had… vanished. My brow creased… was it gone totally? Would I never be able to have what Johnny had with Aisha? I spared a shot sidewards glance to him – maybe it was a good thing. Seeing the pain he felt in losing her wasn't something I wanted for myself. I had always been a loner, since I was a child; surely missing out on that whole 'love' thing wouldn't be too hard on me. That was all Disney bullshit anyway.

I felt Johnny's hand on my shoulder and I sighed and shook my head.

"Okay, I've either had way too much to drink, or not enough," I said, forcing the subject away.

"I'll drink to that," he replied, and we clinked our glasses together.

A few hours later and I opened my eyes, my head feeling several sizes too big, my eyes and mouth dry. I groaned with the realisation I'd have to put up with this for the rest of the day, slammed my eyes shut, shoved my face into my pillow and willed myself to sleep more of the hangover off. Whether I did or not I can't be sure, but eventually I rolled over onto my back, bumping into an unconscious Gat beside me, still fully dressed in his dirtied, bloodied suit from the day before, shoes and all. I grunted and sat up, looking down at my own filthy clothes, silk blouse ruined, rips in my far-too expensive slacks.

Christ I needed a shower.

I stood up, head swimming, and felt with some relief I was still a little drunk – I checked the time on my phone and estimated a good two or three hours before I hit the wall. I stumbled vaguely into my ensuite, careful to lock the door behind me and started tugging off the $500 rags with a sigh, plucking the pins and clasps from my hair till it tumbled down over my shoulders.

I sat in the shower for a long time, just enjoying the feel of the lukewarm water washing away the grime on my skin. The boys were doing a great job of fixing the place up; all the garbage was gone and most of the walls had been stripped back, newer furniture was coming in… Gat had been right when he said the hotel had potential. But by far their greatest achievement was the plumbing. It had taken a long time but we were finally hooked up, hijacking water from neighbouring buildings. I'd nearly kissed the boys when they showed me my new bathroom which was by far the best room in the hideout so far, small though it was.

Though admittedly at the moment it was far too bright for my liking.

I began scrubbing my skin and hair clean, brushing my teeth and nearly retching. I leant my head against the warm tiles and closed my eyes before a sudden banging on the door caught my attention.

"Boss, you alive in there?" Gat's called through, sounding groggy. I sighed.

"Yeah."

I twisted the water off and crawled out of the shower, the hangover slowly getting worsening as I sobered. My head spun painfully and I could hardly remember ever feeling that nauseated. Looks like I was going to hit the wall a little sooner than I thought… I grabbed a towel and roughly rubbed my limbs and hair dry for half a second, wrapping it around my body and edging my way to the door. I unlocked it and creaked it open only far enough to poke my head out. Johnny was flopped facedown across the bed.

"Gat?" I said, my own voice far too loud and hurting my head. He groaned a reply. I stumbled slowly to my feet and slipped out of the bathroom, hunting through my drawers for underwear and a bra, yanking them on and throwing my towel back into the bathroom, before dizzily searching the floor for my jeans. Or any pair of pants for that matter. My fingers wrapped around a black pair of bell bottoms and I yanked them over my hips, nabbing a short purple camisole and dragging it lazily over my head and managed to tug it halfway down my torso before giving up, flopping back down on the bed next to Gat.

"Johnny, you drink too much," I groaned quietly to the ceiling.

"You too Boss, you too…" he mumbled back into the mattress.

Things were dissonantly quiet for the next few days. Word was spreading fast around the crew of what Johnny and I had done to Shogo, and it would only be a matter of time before it reached Akuji's ears. As far as the Ronin knew, Shogo was only missing, not six feet under after having slowly suffocated in that coffin. I didn't really care at this point that things had abruptly become static – I wanted the break. For the past few days I felt like all my energy was draining away, getting sucked out of this hole somewhere in my chest.

I slept a lot. My body clock was soon so far out of whack I was waking up around eleven or midnight and getting back to sleep by lunch. I'd only ever exert myself to check up on Johnny or take him out for a drive – to anyone else he probably seemed fine, practising his shooting, working out, or going out and raising hell. But at one point I had woken up and found him lying next to me, eyes closed and headphones plugged into his ears. I could recognise the beat and lyrics that faded through the tiny speakers as one of Aisha's songs – a ballad that would show off her range. I'd always liked her slower songs better. I'd studied Johnny's face – from the corner of one closed eye I could see the shimmer of a dried trail over his skin. Whatever he showed to the other Saints, I knew then, was only what he wanted them to see.

I was blinking my eyes open from another nap when I was aware of someone else in the room – I rolled over sharply, hand slipping beneath my pillow for my knife, only to see Shaundi sitting cross-legged on the bed, watching me. I rubbed sleep from my eyes.

"You have any idea how damn creepy that is?" I mumbled, narrowing my tired eyes at her, then burying my face back into my pillow, wondering if I could convince my body to go back to sleep.

"Uh uh, don't go back to sleep Boss," Shaundi said, smacking me on the butt. My leg jerked and I kicked her off my bed, growling and extracting a yelp from her. I didn't like people trying to wake me up, much less so by spanking me. I felt her weight back on the mattress and cursed her tenacity.

"Come on Boss. Are you going to talk about this or keep trying to sleep it off?" She said, crawling up to lay next to me. I felt my brow crease – talk about what?

"There's nothing to talk about," I growled into my pillow, "I'm just tired. It's been tiring few weeks. Go away n' let me sleep."

"I know it's been rough but this isn't like you," I heard her say; "You know it isn't. You lost your chutzpah."

"My wha?"

"Sorry, been seeing this cute Jewish guy lately," she said with a laugh. I turned my face from the pillow to frown at her but she just pulled a joint from her pocket. "You mind?" she asked politely before lighting up. I shook my head.

Shaundi started puffing away serenely, practising her smoke-hoops as she did. I was increasingly annoyed.

"You're either here cos you got something to say, or because you wanted to share that," I grouched. She grinned back at me and offered the joint. I rolled onto my back, taking the joint from her and enjoying a long drag, holding it a while to get my head swimming before releasing the breath and handing the joint back to her.

Crap, she smokes strong stuff…

"Better?" She asked, taking another hearty drag, passing it back again. I drew a grateful breath of it and handed it back to her, feeling my muscles relaxing and my mind becoming wonderfully numb.

"… Have you even cried yet?" she asked.

I turned my gaze to look at Shaundi, who was watching me sadly. I tried to scowl at her.

"I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head, "I don't wanna be stepping out of line but a few of us are getting worried. Gat keeps saying to just leave you alone but Carlos is really concerned too."

"I'm just tired Shaundi," I said, but it sounded like a warning when the words came from my mouth. There was a beat, but she handed me the joint and pressed on.

"Boss, she was your friend-"

"-Shau"

"-And I know you've been keeping it together for Gat but… you're just lying here, not dealing with what happened. I mean it's been four days-"

"Get out." I snarled as I sat up, my resentment at her not mixing well with the smoke in my brain. Shaundi shifted but she didn't move away,

"We need you." She said, and finally fell silent. I felt my anger begin to abate – staying angry took energy that I simply didn't have. I felt myself slump forward a little, elbows resting on my knees, the joint still balanced between my fingers. Shaundi gingerly plucked it away, stubbing it out on a plate on my bedside table before tucking it behind her ear. I felt her press the back of her hand to my forehead.

"What now?" I sighed. She patted my hair and I felt my annoyance flare again.

"Just checking that you're not actually sick," she said simply.

A long silence fell and I closed my eyes. I hadn't cried. And I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to let my emotions get the better of me. In fact, I thought I was handling this all very well.

"So you think you've been sleeping heaps cos you've just been burning the candle at both ends, right?" she said. I rolled my eyes and nodded. "Cos I think you're depressed." She finished.

I involuntarily punched her. Luckily for her I was moderately high so my movements were sluggish. She grumbled and got up, rubbing her arm gingerly.

"Okay, sorry," she said, "Look, c'mon down stairs. The boys have been working on the place; they want you to check it out." She said, trying to take my hand. I pulled away and flopped back down onto the bed. Shaundi just sighed and took the joint out from behind her ear, waving it under my nose.

"C'mon…" she teased, edging it away from my nose, smiling cheekily "Cuhhh monnn…"

I growled and swiped for the joint and she predictably hopped away from me.

"Fuckit." I growled, getting up. I wasn't depressed.

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