All Characters Belong to Stephenie Meyers. A special thanks to my Beta and partner in crime, Dollybigmomma, for helping me write this chapter. You rock the funny, chica!

***DO NOT READ THIS WITH A FULL BLADDER OR WHILE DRINKING ANYTHING! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!***

Chapter 13 – Stupidity Knows No Strangers

Epov

Once Bella was settled in my arms, I started to tell her the story about the night I was given these boxer shorts.

Apparently, Emmett had found them online and since Jasper and I wore the same size, he bought a pair for future use to torment one of us. Emmett was manic about his pranks, bets and dares.

It was just before Thanksgiving and we had been cutting up and talking trash all night to each other. Typical guy stuff. We had been pushing each other's buttons all night and the dares and bets just kept getting wilder and crazier.

Emmett had wanted to start drinking, but I dared him to do his crazy shit stone cold sober. I argued that it would make him more of a man than if he had to pussy out and soothe his nerves with whiskey. Emmett, being the jackass he was, agreed, if for nothing but to save face. Jasper wasn't much better, and not wanting to be called a weak pussy, he also agreed to leave the JD at home.

The last round of bets started with me peeking into Margaret Feinstein's bedroom window without getting caught or falling off the trellis. If I was able to do it, I got to call the next dare and one of them had to do it. If I failed, then Emmett called the next one.

Well, I failed. I got half way up the trellis when the slats under my feet popped, sending me tumbling onto my ass into their huge wet compost pile. I smelled like shit on a hot sidewalk in August, and I was then chased over the back fence by their Rottweiler named Bruce, who grabbed my pant leg as I was scaling the wall, taking my best jeans with him back to his dog house where he proceeded to shred them to rags, including my wallet. Thank god I had left my car keys and cell phone in Emmett's Jeep.

After Emmett and Jasper finished laughing their asses off at my predicament, it was Jasper's turn. Emmett bet him he couldn't climb on top of the high school principals' convertible and take a piss on his windshield and ragtop without setting off the alarm, or falling through the ragtop. Jasper was extremely hesitant about doing this dare, as the principal was already pissed off at them for the last stunt they had pulled over Halloween of smearing Vaseline on all the doorknobs in the school, as well as thinly coating the teacher's chair seats with it and then also rigging the hand blow-dryers in the girl's restrooms to shoot stinky air and dust by lining the spouts with smeared on rotten eggs and mashed up sardines, making a nice little shelf to sprinkle ground up chalk dust.

The first one to succumb to the prank was Jessica Stanley, who had a cold and couldn't smell the already toxic stench coming from the bathroom. Apparently, she had turned the nozzle up to dry her hair before class and when she hit the button, she got a face full of dust and a few chunks of rotten egg scented sardines plastered to her already overly painted face and stuck in her freshly streaked hair. The screams could be heard over half the school, and you could still smell it on her at lunch.

She sat alone that day.

Harmless pranks, but epic fun. Definitely worth getting up at six that morning to sneak into the school through the locker room before football practice!

Jasper made it to the top of the car and was trying to balance himself on the soft car top to keep from falling. He had just gotten his zipper down and pulled himself free from his jeans when the Baker's cat, Lucifer, jumped up on the car in a single bound and wrapped itself around Jasper's leg, sinking its claws into the flesh and taking a full-clawed swing at his exposed boys. Apparently, the Devil went down to Georgia because the sound that Jasper made when the cat's claws connected with his nads sounded just like that part of that song where the devil starts playing the fiddle. The screeching was near deafening as Jasper tried to disconnect the irate feline from his upper thigh, still snarling and hissing precariously close to the family jewels.

Emmett was laughing too hard to notice that Jasper had started kicking, trying to dislodge the cat, causing him to lose his balance. He and the crazed cat both fell straight into Emmett, who also caught some claw action as the cat bolted from Jasper's leg and shot across Emmett's back. Emmett would later claim the scratches came from Rose, but we knew better.

At that moment, the porch light snapped on and we could hear Principal Baker shouting for his wife to bring him his pistol. Jasper managed to get up and stuff his mauled manhood back into his pants as we hauled ass down the street away from the Baker's driveway before Principal Baker could draw a bead on us and give us a few more unneeded holes.

I would like to have said the evening improved after that, but I would have been lying.

Both of us had failed. That evening was shaping up to be crazy. Little did I know what Emmett had in store for Jasper and I. Luckily for me, Jasper went first.

Once into the game of 'Do you Dare?' Emmett could be brutal and apparently he had been planning this for a while.

Jasper started to freak when he saw the sash with the name "Cupid" spelled out on it in large red glittery letters, a child's bow and arrow set and a pair of angel's wings Emmett had produced. Jasper swallowed hard. He would definitely have to drop his manliness quotient while also dropping his pride before he would be able to pull off his dare.

I was next and Emmett produced a stick horse and my boxers. My dare was not as bad as Jasper's, though, that was for sure. Of course, we decided to get even with Emmett by pouncing on him after we were in our costumes and stripping him bare, making him chase behind us, screaming at us to give him back his clothes.

So, at one o'clock in the morning, when all the bars were closing in Port Angeles and people were getting ready to go home, Jasper streaked down Main Street wearing nothing but a pink silk glittery sash, wearing angel's wings and carrying a bow and arrow while singing 'You're the One That I Want' from the Grease musical, wounded manhood dangling in the cold night air. And boy was it obvious Jasper was cold.

I, on the other hand, had to ride my stick horse after him in the My Little Pony boxers singing the My Little Pony theme song. At least my goods were covered. Emmett chased after us butt naked, screaming for us to give him back his clothes. The looks he got from some of the girls when they saw the rows of whelped cat scratches and his impressively flopping package were actually quite complementary. Too bad he was too cold and too pissed to notice them.

We made quite a scene that night, but had a hell of a lot of fun despite the insanity of it all. The cops chased us for three hours before we finally were able to make it back to the house.

Never again, I swore, never again.

Of course, I couldn't make any promises. Emmett, boredom and stupidity were old friends, constant companions, and never a good combination. And Jasper and I were too good of buddies to let him suffer alone. Damn it.

Bella was hiding her face in my chest laughing so hard she wasn't making any sound anymore. I was just happy she was smiling again. I looked down at her perfection and started kissing her shoulder and neck. Her laughing slowed and her lips found mine. I loved how hers sought out mine.

Her legs wrapped around me and her hands slid down my abs, kneading firmly, making me almost lose it on the spot.

"I don't think you need the stick horse anymore, Edward," she whispered as she wrapped her hands around me, "You've got more to saddle up here than I'll ever turn down," she whispered as she made me come undone.

I just hoped that one day soon she'd want to go for a ride!

A/N: Okay, I don't know if you guys are into YouTube, but this video is my inspiration for Edward's dare. You'll get a kick out of it. There is some swearing so make sure the kids are in bed before you watch it, but it is freaking hilarious. Just go to YouTube and look up 'Robert Pattinson Bitch 3'.

I'm serious, it's freaking crazy so make sure you go to the bathroom before you watch it or you will pee yourself!

The song inspiration for the cat attack was "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by Charlie Daniels Band. If you haven't heard that song, Google it. That noise will set your ears on edge. That was my beta and good buddy, Dollybigmomma's, idea along with the bathroom prank and window peeking. She's so demented, and I love her for it!

Thanks for reading and please review!