This chapter kinda flowed in a different way to what I was expecting but still, hope it is vaguely enjoyable. The next chapter is well on the way and should be up tomorrow! A big thank you to everyone reading and reviewing you all make my day! :D
So I was knee deep into a sordid affair with my ex girlfriend who I was also still madly in love with, but I would be lying if I said I didn't love it. The sneaking around, the silent glances and the hidden smiles were all driving me crazy. I couldn't sit still when I was around Emily and I was making every excuse in the book to get her by herself. Surely cheating on your girlfriend shouldn't feel this good, there were still a few moments when the guilt of the whole situation hit me but it was easily stopped by a text or a smirk from Emily. I hated the way that she could turn me on so much without even touching me, a glance here, a smile there and I was completely gone. It had been going on for six weeks and I was still surprised that we hadn't been caught.
Rolling over in my bed I noticed the light that was beginning to float in through the small crack in my curtains and my head instantly began to throb. I wriggled a little before I remembered the girl sleeping beside me and decided I probably shouldn't wake her just yet. Faith was incredibly cranky in the mornings, especially on a Sunday. As gently as was physically possible considering my incredibly hung over state I clambered out of my bed and grabbed some clothes and my phone. Two missed texts so I slid it open and tried to focus on the screen.
Mel: Hey, missed you tonight...sorry if Ems and I keep you up! :D
Emily: I think we should talk. You know the place - 1pm.
That wasn't particularly what I wanted to wake up to, she was getting cold feet about the whole cheating thing. I wasn't sure I blamed her after all she knew exactly what it was like to be on the other end of it all. I closed my eyes tightly and mentally yelled at my own brain for once again reading too much into a simple fucking text. 'The place' was a bandstand just outside of the university grounds we had met there a few times when we couldn't stand it any longer. It had become our little sanctuary away from everything somewhere where we could escape whenever we wanted to. But I had a feeling the trip I was taking today was for a different reason.
Wandering out into the kitchen I noticed that Mel was busying herself making breakfast, was Emily in her room or had she already gone? I wasn't sure which was worse on one hand did I want her to be that exhausted after sex, on the other if she'd already left it meant that she was thinking over what she wanted to talk to me about. It was a complete lose/lose situation but I needed to know.
"Breakfast for one?" Mel seemed to jump slightly in response to my voice.
"Yea, unless you want some? Emily ran off earlier this morning after looking at her phone." Mel seemed slightly disappointed at the fact that whenever Emily stayed the night she seemed to disappear early. In that very moment I realised that Mel had some serious feelings for Emily, for the moments Emily and I were together I could forget the fact that it affected more than just us.
"Yea, would be nice if there is some going, thanks babe." I had no idea why I was still trying desperately to be quiet if the pots and pans rattling didn't wake Faith up I guessed my voice wouldn't either. In no time at all Mel had dished up some scrambled egg on toast and we ate in silence. I could sense that she was upset and couldn't think of anything to say that didn't involve Emily. I felt like I had taken candy from the baby, eaten the candy and given the baby back the empty packet. I had to make it right.
"Look, I've got somewhere to be, if Faith wakes up tell her I'll be back later if she wants to hang around." With that I all but ran out of the door towards something and someone that I didn't really want to face but my brain told me I had to.
I took the scenic route to the bandstand, through the park. The air was freezing and I was starting to regret not taking a few extra minutes to find a coat. Every breath I took melted the air around me and I stuffed my hands in my pockets to stop them turning the bright shade of pink that sets in with cold. My teeth chattered automatically and the few small tears that were already building in my eyes started to sting with the bitter wind. I hated winter. Rounding the final corner I shrunk back into myself as I noticed her flowing red hair moving slightly in the winter breeze. Emily was sat down on the steps waiting for me looking a lot warmer than I was, she hugged her knees tightly into herself and rested her chin elegantly on her arms. I just stood there in silence for a few moments taking it all in, the guilt, the pain but most importantly how wonderful the past few weeks had been. I wondered to myself how selfish that sounded and quickly found that I didn't care much. I took the few small steps towards her and sat down close enough to feel the warmth resonate off her body. The sweet smell of weed met my nostrils as she handed me the spliff I hadn't noticed. Taking it gratefully I took a long drag and allowed the smoke to flow effortlessly through my body, a few small draws later I handed it back to Emily and waited patiently for her to speak.
"You're early." I didn't have to wait long. She turned to face me and I flinched against meeting her eyes.
"Yea, did you expect anything less?" I saw Emily smile a little before finishing off the spliff and flicking it into the bushes to our left.
"No, you always did come a little early." I felt my mouth gape with shock at the blatant sex remark and immediately we were both creased with laughter. It seemed like the calm before the storm as silence descended quickly.
"Ems, I think I know why we're here." I took her hand in mine as some sort of comfort against whatever was about to happen, she didn't speak, she didn't pull away, she just looked up at me with pain filled eyes. We understood each other instantly.
"I know you Ems, you can't bear to hurt anyone, let alone someone who cares about you. We've been lying to ourselves with this whole thing and it's got too out of hand. I can't stand seeing you like this so I guess that's why however much it hurts, I've got to stop this. We've got to stop this." I squeezed her hand so gently I was afraid she wouldn't feel it but as her tear filled eyes met mine I knew she had.
"Naoms...thank you." I wasn't sure exactly what she was thanking me for I was too busy fighting back all the emotions screaming around in my head. Our reconnection however brief was going to stay with me forever and I took immense comfort at the fact that Emily didn't hate me. In fact the opposite, she still liked me, I was glad I can't imagine my future without her in it somehow. If the six weeks we had spent messing around was good for nothing else, it reaffirmed my feelings that no matter how I felt for Emily, her happiness was the most important thing. I don't think it hurt as much as I thought it would but maybe I was just numb from the weather.
We just sat there freezing our tits off for what seemed like an eternity, neither of us really wanted to let go and I guess each of us was hoping the other would make the first move. I stood up and dragged Emily to her feet holding her in my arms for as long as I could without crying. It felt like our final goodbye, when I said that no matter how I played this situation someone was going to get hurt...I didn't think that someone would be me. Fuck sake Naomi you giant pathetic lump of shit, pull yourself together. So you're still in love with Emily, you don't trust yourself not to hurt her so you'll always be scared, you will always run!!!
I dropped one final kiss onto her forehead, smoothed the hair out of her face and as my eyes started dissolving into hers I turned and started to walk away.
"It's all fucked Ems, but Mel really cares for you, promise you'll be happy!" I shouted, turning back momentarily in time to see her nod and almost force a smile. I took one deep breath and began making my way back to university. I didn't cry...I couldn't, if I got going I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop. Instead I smiled, I thought about the strength that we had both shown in saying goodbye. I thought about how even after all this time Emily still helped me to do the right thing; it wasn't only me that showed maturity in the situation. It was the one moment that made me see just how much the last year had changed us, she was no longer scared little Emily Fitch hiding in her twins shadow. She was sure of herself and so clued in to everything, it was endearing to see how much she had opened up. And I was no longer the Naomi completely emotionless and afraid of letting anyone in. We had both grown up immensely and even though I'm sure my heart was never going to recover from this, I took happiness from the strength that came hand in hand with doing the right thing. And it was then that I knew what I needed to do.
It didn't take me long to get back to the room and as I fumbled through my pockets for the key I managed to finally make my way inside. Mel was nowhere to be seen but there was a roughly scribbled note lying on the coffee table.
'Faith/Naoms, Got bored so have gone to actually do some work. Naoms...Faith hadn't left before I did and Faith...Naoms will be back soon! Much loves. Mel xx'
She was such an idiot but she was an awesome friend, almost like a sister. I figured the fact that the note was still here meant that so was Faith. Breathing deeply I made my way into my room and sure enough Faith was still sat in my bed reading one of my politics books with a lit fag hanging out of her lips.
"Took your time, I considered actually getting up!" She smiled at me which made what I was about to do so much harder.
"Yea, um...can we talk for a sec?" Her smile immediately faded and she stubbed out her half smoked cigarette in the ash tray by my bed. She didn't say anything though, she just sat there waiting for me, and so I sat on the end of my bed facing away from her. This was going to be tough but it was the right thing to do.
"Look, I've been doing some thinking and I, uh... really, don't see this working. I'm only just figuring out who I am and I don't think I can be with anyone right now. I just need some time by myself to do some thinking. And I'm sorry it had taken me this long to realise it, but I need you to know that even though it's a cliché...it's not you, it's completely me." I let out the breath I had been holding and let a few solemn tears flow down my cheek.
"You're fucking kidding me?" Her harsh tone wasn't a surprise I don't know why I expected anything else.
"No, part of me wishes I was because you're an amazing girl, but I'm not kidding. I just need to be alone and I can't do that with a girlfriend. I'm sorry." The apology just crept out, I knew it was like poking a bear with a stick and regretted it instantly.
"You're fucking sorry? That's all you can think of to say? You're sorry, you leave me lying in your bed for the entire morning and you come back from wherever the fuck you went and have the nerve to break up with me and let me know that's it's all fucking rosy coz you're SORRY!?" She was screaming at me and I think the fact that I didn't show any signs of remorse made the whole situation so much worse.
"Are you just going to sit there staring at the door? You're not even going to try and talk things through with me? Fuck Naomi!" She was grabbing all of her clothes and just bellowing at the top of her lungs. I deserved it, but it was means to an end, I couldn't be with her knowing what I had done and I couldn't tell her what I had done because it would all come out into the open and Emily would lose Mel. It was all going to shit.
"I can't think of anything to say, I just can't be with anyone right now...I need to figure out what I'm going to do before I can ever really throw myself into a relationship. I just hate that it has taken me this long to realise that." Her face was red with anger and tears were streaming down her face in that moment I hated myself.
"Well fucking great, just don't expect me to be around after you find yourself you fucking bitch!" Faith was just looking at me and I was so uncomfortable I could have died on the spot, she was steaming.
"Anything else you want to fucking apologise for?" Her words cut through me like a knife and even though there was, it wasn't something that I could never admit to her. I didn't have any more words left to say so I just shook my head as I looked into her tear filled eyes. She began to leave to before spinning on her heels and within an instant her fist plunged into my face a few times.
"Fuck you!" She yelled as she left me in a bleeding heap on the floor, as I heard the outside door slam I clutched my face which I could already feel swelling. I wiped the blood away from my lip and could already feel the beginning of a bruise appearing beneath my left eye. I probably deserved it, and it was a little reassuring to know that I wasn't completely numb, I could still feel something. And right now that something needed ice.
I so hated breaking them up AGAIN but it seemed to fit, but I promise the next chapter will leave you with a giant smile on your face! Once again please review! :D