Lies of the Soul

~Chapter 11 – Time to Think~

BPOV

I hated Florida. The air was so humid and heavy, and it was entirely too far from my family.

Although I had been in Florida for a couple months, I had yet to visit Renee; I wasn't exactly sure why I was putting it off, but I just couldn't bring myself to go see her. I got a job selling various items over the phone. It was monotonous, boring work, but at least it was better than working in fast food. I refused to apply for any jobs that would be in my career field simply because I didn't plan on being in Florida permanently; I just needed a small income to get me by.

I talked to Alice several times a week on phone, and she was constantly hounding me about going back to Washington to talk to Emmett, but then she'd always end the conversation with - "Well, it's your life, do what you think is best." She did finally tell Jasper the truth, and even though he was upset at first, he agreed to let me reveal the secret to my brother in my own time. I knew it had to be hard on him though, Emmett was his best friend, and I felt horrible that I was allowing another person to lie for me, but I just needed some time to figure everything out. Jasper said that Edward had left town as well, therefore I spent my dull work days obsessed with worry about him. Neither Jasper nor Emmett were sure where he was, and I was terrified that I had completely ruined his life. I was terrified that he'd hurt himself again, whether intentionally or by accident, but either way, I ached for him and knew that pain would never be alleviated.

And then everything got worse.

I started feeling sick all the time and I'd spend entire days in bed, unable to move without vomiting all over my tiny studio apartment. I thought I had the flu, but it lasted way too long to be the flu. I knew I should go to the doctor, but I didn't exactly have health insurance and I was sure the illness would pass. But it didn't pass.

"Oh Bella, you're pregnant," Alice said the moment she walked into my apartment. She had called every day that I was sick, and when I didn't get better after two weeks, she flew out to force me to go to the doctor.

"Pregnant? No, how could I be pregnant?" I asked surprised by her assumption.

She lifted one eyebrow as to say 'really', but I didn't need to hear her say it.

"I know how people get pregnant Alice; I just don't know how I would have gotten pregnant. I haven't had sex in months….No; this is just a virus, or something."

"Bella, you were having sex constantly. Did you ever use protection?"

"I…We…" Shit.

No, I guess we never did use anything, and to be honest, I never even thought about it. I knew how babies were made, but the first time we were together, was completely unplanned so protection was the last thing on my mind, and I never thought about it afterwards either. What the hell kind of idiot was I? And what the hell kind of idiot was Edward? He had been with a bunch of women before me, did he not use protection with any of them? He probably had a whole bunch of illegitimate children all over the country.

I felt sick, and it had nothing to do with my illness.

"You need to go to the doctor," Alice insisted.

"No, I can't afford it. Besides, the last time I was with Edward was like two months ago. If I was pregnant, wouldn't I have been feeling sick sooner?"

"When was your last period?"

I tried to remember, but I had no idea. "I don't usually keep track of it too well. When it comes, it comes," I shrugged.

"Bella, that's not good. Every woman is supposed to know when her last period was."

"Well, excuse me for not having a mother to teach shit like that to me," I said bitterly.

"Look, I'll pay for the doctor….I'll just bill Edward later."

"No Alice, you can't bill Edward for my doctor's appointment," I said incredulously. Why would she even say that?

"If you're pregnant, then I certainly can bill him for it. It's his baby, so he needs to pay for it."

"Okay, one, no one knows where he is, and two, if I am pregnant, than it's inside me, so it's my baby."

"And you have no money. The baby is just as much his as it's yours, and he has plenty of money. Why should you have to pay for the whole thing, when you barely make rent?"

"No one knows where he is, and he absolutely hates me. No, I'm not going to try to find him for any reason. He obviously wants to be alone, so I'm going to leave him alone."

Alice shook her head. "If you are pregnant, then we're going to find him and you are going to tell him. We've both seen what lies can do, and there is no way in hell he should be kept in the dark about something as major as becoming a father."

"That's assuming that I'd keep the pregnancy," I said quietly.

"You wouldn't," she said understanding my meeting.

"Alice, I can't have a baby. What the hell do I know about being a mother? I have Renee as a role model, and I'll be damned if I mess up any kid's life the way she messed with ours."

"Bella, you are the one who told me that Renee is insane, but that has nothing to do with us. Remember?"

"But what if I was wrong, what if we do have some crazy gene? I can't do that to a baby."

"Let me just make you the appointment. I'll pay for it, you don't have to pay me back, and I won't go after Edward for the money either. But if you are pregnant, you do have to tell him."

"I don't have to tell him, because I'm not having a baby," I said, mostly to myself.

The next day, I went to the local clinic and sat nervously as I waited for my name to be called.

"I wish Jazz was here, he always has a way to calm people," Alice said as she held my hand tightly.

"You really love him, don't you?" I said knowingly.

"He's the best man I know. I just hate that he has to lie to his friend for me."

"No, he's lying for me, and I know that it's wrong. I'm so sorry to put you both in that position Alice," I said sincerely. "Thanks for being here with me."

She kissed the side of my head and then pulled me into her. It was odd resting my head on her shoulder when she was so much smaller than me, but it did make me feel a little better.

"Isabella Swan," the nurse called.

Legally, my last name was still Swan, but I always cringed hearing it. I was always worried that someone would hear it and figure everything out, despite the fact I was on the opposite side of the country from anyone who would care.

"Well, you're blood pressure is a little high, but nothing to worry about at the moment. Lie back," the doctor instructed. She stood over me and started pushing on my lower abdomen. "Your uterus is enlarged. Without a blood test or an ultrasound, I'd say you were about three months along."

"Three months along in what?" I asked like an idiot.

"Isabella, I'm concerned that you could have skipped your period this long and not noticed. If stress is causing you to be forgetful, than you need to find a way to calm down. Stress is dangerous for both you and the baby. I'm going to do a quick ultrasound, and then we can discuss your options."

"I haven't put on any weight, how could I be three months pregnant?" I asked hoping she was mistaking.

"Well, at three months, some women don't put on weight yet, especially if there has been vomiting. But your stress can add to that as well. I'm going to be giving you a free bottle of prenatal vitamins, and you need to take them religiously."

She left the room briefly, and returned with a nurse and an ultrasound machine. She lifted my blue cover up and squirted something cold on my stomach. I looked at Alice in a panic, but she just squeezed my hand and smiled reassuringly. The doctor moved the wand over my stomach, and then an odd grey image came on the computer screen next to me.

"And there it is," the doctor said quickly.

"Is that the baby?" Alice asked. I looked up at my sister and saw that she actually had tears in her eyes.

"Yep, and it's active already."

I looked at the screen, and saw something moving in the center of the dark blob. I nearly lost it.

"No, no, I can't be pregnant. Not now, not like this," I said in a panic.

"You are twelve weeks along, the heartbeat is strong…." everything else was a blur. I knew right away that my last period must have been a few weeks after Edward and I got together. I remembered then that we were experimenting with different ways to have sex because I refused to do it the traditional way when I was on my period. I must have gotten pregnant a couple weeks after that, and just didn't think about my missed period.

I could only hear loud swooshing behind my ears, and my vision was going dark. How could I let this happen, and what the hell was I going to do?

The appointment was finished and we walked out to the car, but I had no idea what happened in-between. I was vaguely aware that I was holding something in my hand, but I wasn't sure what it was. I didn't speak, I couldn't, I just sat there silently as Alice drove us home.

"I'm going to call Jasper," Alice said as she led me to my bed.

"What? No, you can't. I'm not going to keep it Alice, so I don't want anyone knowing."

"Bella, I know you're scared, but don't make a rash decision. Just think about it for a while. I'm just going to call Jasper and ask him if he has any ideas as to where Edward could have possibly gone."

I couldn't contain it anymore, I just started bawling. I really hated the idea of an abortion, but I couldn't fathom becoming a mother. I knew nothing about being a mother, and if there was a chance that I could be crazy like Renee, then it would be better if the baby was never born in the first place. Craziness could be genetic, and the world didn't need any more crazy people.

Alice put her arms around me to hug me tightly, and just held me until my crying slowed. I loved her to death, but I really wanted Edward's arms around me at that moment, I needed him to be telling me that everything was going to be ok, but he hated me, so how would he react to this news?

Alice eventually flitted off to go call Jasper, and I couldn't help but be jealous of their unconditional relationship. They were loyal to each other first and foremost, and if Alice asked him not to say anything, I knew he wouldn't. They had no secrets and told each other everything, and I wished more than anything that I could have been that way for Edward. I never wanted to lie to him, but I didn't know how to tell him the truth either.

I suddenly became angry. I always tried really hard not to hate Renee, but I couldn't contain it in that moment. Edward didn't deserve my lies, and it wasn't fair that I was forced to do it as a child. But then again, lying to Edward as an adult was all my doing. I chose not to tell him who I really was, and I couldn't blame that on Renee. My anger went away as quick as it came. I wasn't really mad at Renee anyway, I was mad at myself.

"I'm going out for a bit," I told Alice as I walked past her. She was sitting on the steps outside my apartment, still talking to Jasper.

"Wait, where are you going?" she asked in a panic. "Jasper said that Emmett might know where Edward is. Don't go get an abortion right now."

"I'm not going to get an abortion right now, I just need to go do something that I've put off for far too long."

"Bella?"

"Just trust me, I'll be fine."

I went to the mental hospital, and waited for them to bring Renee into the visiting area.

"Oh, look, there's my daughter," Renee said loudly as the nurse brought her into the room.

"Hi mom," I said with a halfhearted smile.

"Bella, I'm so glad you're here. I have to warn you."

"Warn me about what?"

"Remember when you were little, and I had to dress you up as a boy for a few weeks to protect you from the mobsters?"

"Mom," I said while closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Just listen, this is important. The mobsters wanted to kill you because we witnessed them murdering someone, remember?" I shook my head no, but she continued anyway. "I had to send you to your father, but they were hunting you down, so I had to dress you as a boy for a few weeks…but I know now that I was wrong."

"You do?" I asked hopefully. If she understood that she was wrong, at least it was a step towards getting better.

"Yes, they weren't mobsters…they were vampires. Bella, you have to hide because the vampires are coming for you."

"Mom," I sighed and shook my head again. "There are no such things as vampires, and there were never any mobsters after me either. Have you been taking your medication?"

"Bella, these people here are trying to drug me, you have to help me escape."

"You need the medicine they give you. It will help you understand what's real and not."

"The pills make me feel tired. They just want to put me to sleep so they can do scientific experiments on me."

"Mom, I wasn't with my dad for a few weeks, I was there for over eight years. You need your meds, because you're sick."

I went to the nurse and told her about the things my mother was saying, so she immediately went to search her room. Ten minutes later, she returned and took me to the side to tell me what had happened.

"We watch the patients take the meds, and then we look in their mouth to make sure they were swallowed. We never knew Renee was hiding them and we found all the pills under her mattress. I'm so sorry Ms. Swan, this won't happen again."

I didn't even bother saying goodbye to my mother, there wasn't even a point when she was in that state. I just couldn't even understand how they didn't notice her erratically behavior.

When I got back to the apartment, Alice was still sitting in the same spot she was in when I left, and she was tapping her foot anxiously.

"Where did you go?"

"Relax, I just went to see mom."

"Oh…how is she? I was planning to go later this afternoon."

"Don't go today, she hasn't been taking her pills."

"What! Bella, I swear, those people don't know what the hell they're doing. We need to put her someplace else."

"We can't afford a better place right now. They will put her back on the meds, and she should be doing better in the next few days."

"Have you thought about the baby anymore?" she asked quietly.

"I don't know what I want to do yet, but I'm calm now, and I'm going to think about it clearly before I make a decision."

Alice and I spent the next three days talking about anything other than Edward and my growing waistline. It was actually fun, and it was so good not to feel like I was being pressured about any of it. She just gave me time to think what I wanted, and I really appreciated it.

On the fourth day I went back to the hospital, hoping to find a less confused Renee, and I did.

"Bella," she smiled as she came to sit with me.

"How are you feeling?" I asked softly.

"Oh, you know. They keep these pills in me so it's hard to feel anything, but I'm ok."

"I came by the other day, do you remember?"

She nodded, and smiled apologetically. "I'm so sorry about that. I really couldn't think straight, it was hard to know what was real."

"I'm pregnant," I said abruptly.

She looked at me wide eyed, and I was worried that she was going to have another mental breakdown. I was such an idiot.

"I didn't realize you were seeing anyone," she said finally.

"I'm not. Not anymore. I just needed to come here and tell you…because….because I'm scared, and I don't know what to do."

She smiled at me, "Bella, you'll figure it out. You and Alice had to put up with a lot growing up, and you are both extremely strong and intelligent women. But, if anyone can figure out how to be a good parent, it's you. I don't have a doubt that you can handle it."

"How can I be a good parent? I wouldn't even know where to begin," I said with tears rolling down my face. The fact that I was asking my insane mother for advice, proved that I really didn't have what it took to raise a child.

"You begin, at the beginning," she said while placing her hand on my slightly bloated stomach. "Take it one day at a time, and don't worry about not being good enough. You were raised by a good man, and you are a smart woman, you'll know what to do."

"I was raised as a boy, how could I ever know how to be a good mother?"

"It has nothing to do with being a girl or a boy, it has to do with who you are on the inside."

Who I was on the inside, was a lying coward. The fact that my mother was saying positive things about me, probably proved that I was just as bad as she was, but I suddenly felt determined. I wouldn't allow myself to end up like her, and I didn't want an abortion. I would do whatever it took to make sure my baby felt safe and loved, and I would never abandon him or her. I needed to turn my life around, I needed to be honest and make myself into someone my child could look up to.

I went home and was surprised to see my stuff already packed in a suitcase. Alice was just finishing, when she saw me come in.

"Jasper is going to try to get to the bottom of Edward's location and then he's going to go bring him back to Seattle, and I'm bringing you back there as well. You two need to work this out Bella, and if you still want an abortion, I'll take you. But he needs to know before you make the decision."

"I don't want an abortion, and I already decided to go back to Washington."

"Really?" she said with a mix of excitement and sympathy.

Since we were both already packed, we took off right away. We didn't have enough money for two plane tickets, so we decided to drive all the way cross country. It was technically Renee's car, but she wasn't going to need it and Alice didn't have a car in Seattle anyway.

"Oh, this is disgusting," Alice complained as we checked into our first hotel for the night.

"It's not so bad," I disagreed. Sure, the room was dusty and there was no door on the bathroom, but at least the sheets were clean. At least I think the sheets are clean.

The next several days weren't much better. We could only afford the cheapest hotels, and we couldn't get very far at a time, because I had to keep stopping so I could pee and throw up. But I used that long stretch of road to think about my baby. I was still scared of figuring out how to be a parent, but at the same time, I had no idea if I was ever going to see Edward again and I had a piece of him inside of me, so it was impossible not to love it. Even if Edward never gave me a chance to talk to him, I'd make sure that our baby was the first person who I'd never lie to. I'd never walk away from the little person growing inside of me, and I sure as hell would make sure he or she knew that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for them.

We spent a couple nights sleeping in the car at rest areas, but that was almost better than the nasty hotels. Eventually, we crossed into the Washington state line, and it didn't matter that it was late at night; we decided to drive the rest of the way without stopping again to sleep.

We pulled into Alice's parking garage, and she practically ran out of the car and up to her apartment. I followed slower and when I got inside, I realized that she went straight in to take a shower. Alice hated feeling grimy, so I wasn't surprised by her eagerness to get clean. It was late…or early, depending on how you looked at it. When Alice got out of the bathroom, she had a sheepish grin on her face.

"Would you mind terribly if I went over to Jasper's place? I haven't talked to him in two days, so I'm kind of anxious."

"Yeah, you should definitely head over there. Did you call him? I'm sure he's sleeping."

"I want to surprise him, especially since we're a day early. I just want to crawl in bed with him and hold him until he wakes up."

"Ok, have fun."

I was absolutely exhausted, but when my head it the pillow, I was suddenly wide awake. The next thing I knew, I was calling a cab and asking the driver to take me across town. I knew Edward was gone, but I just had an overwhelming need to go to his condo. I wasn't sure if he sold it or not, but even the idea of being in the hall outside the door was more appealing than being in Alice's studio at that moment.

I still had my key, and it was heavy in my pocket as I approached the door. Perhaps it was stupid, but I put the key in the lock and turned it slowly. I figured that if he sold the condo, the new owners would have changed the lock, and if it was still his, then it would be empty. The key worked, so I took a deep breath and cautiously went inside.

Without really thinking, I flipped the light switch and wasn't surprised that the electricity was still on. Edward had automatic bill pay on stuff like water, gas, and electric; he was so forgetful, that he said it was just easier that way, rather than sending out checks every month. Everything was pretty much exactly the way it was when I left. The same laundry on the floor and the couch pillows were in the same exact disarray on the ground in the living room, except now there were a variety of empty alcoholic bottles in front of the TV.

I didn't want to move anything, but I was completely devoured by the horrendous smell of something rotting in the kitchen. I covered my hand over my mouth and nose, and slowly walked towards the stench. The smell was definitely coming from the refrigerator, and as I opened the door, I immediately knew what it was. Spoiled milk, eggs, cheese, and everything else perishable that was months past the expiration dates. I ran to the sink, and vomited. I hadn't eaten in a few hours, but that didn't stop my stomach from heaving violently.

"What the hell are you doing?"

I froze.

Was he really there, or was it just my imagination?

I had my head down in the sink, so after a few long torturous moments, I stood slowly and turned to face him.