Soon I Will Be Invincible pt. 1
Pairing: None.
Warning: This is... cracky, to say the least. I had to make up for the serious chapters somehow D;
A/N: In which Ichigo gets tired of being the good guy, and decides to be the bad guy. This does not come naturally to him.
Ichigo Kurosaki scowled after downing the umpteenth hollow that week. Sure, he was a resident of Karakura Town, but he had a life as well. Apparently Seireitei had decided to just dump the workload on his lap, though... Come to think of it, they have a habit of doing that a lot.
He glowered at the sky, sole witness to his epiphany.
"Screw this. I'm not gonna be the good guy any longer!"
And with this, he walked off.
(The effect of his speech was somewhat diminished by the fact that he later beheaded a hollow that was attacking a screaming Plus girl whilst on his way home.)
"Oi, Ishida."
"What?"
"Screw you. I'm going evil."
"...how... terribly uncreative."
"Shut up! I've had enough of working on the other side, Seireitei seems to think I can do all their work for them, the next thing I know they'll end up promoting me to captain or something just so I can do their paperwork as well!"
"In that case, I'll join you."
"What?!"
"Well, I never particularly had much in common with Seireitei in the first place, and you'd probably get yourself killed if I left you on your own."
"Hey! I resent that!"
"...it is true, though. Maybe Yasutora-san would like to join us as well?"
"Hmmm."
"Very well then. I will design outfits to go with our new personas, and obviously we all need to choose villain names and decide on a group name as well-"
"Wait, what?"
"You can't just go out declaring who you really are in your normal clothes. You'd get caught straight away."
"Hmmm."
"Chad, you too?..."
The first villainous deed did not go quite as planned.
"Are we good to go?"
Ichigo scowled. For some reason the Quincy had seen fit to embellish his ordinary shinigami uniform, but for the time being he had been supplied with what seemed to be a ninja mask and uniform instead. He was not happy about this, partly due to the fact that the ninja uniform also had a swooshy black cape that, according to Ishida, would enable him to fly and grant numerous other powers. Ichigo had politely pointed out that he could use shunpo, rendering the cape entirely unnecessary, which had caused Ishida to adjust his glasses and declare that that wasn't the point and besides, if people thought it was the cape that was letting him fly, they wouldn't suspect he was using shunpo.
Ichigo vaguely wondered if the Quincy was just bullshitting him with regards to the cape's abilities. He considered numerous methods of being able to test this out, one of them involving shoving the other off a cliff with the cape... but then, Ishida has Hirenkyaku... I'd probably just get shot.
Wouldn't it have been kinda helpful for him to tell me how to use it?
"Yes," he muttered, voice being picked up by the in-built microphone in the mask.
"Then make a move, Beserk."
Ichigo twitched at the name. They would be having words about the choice of alternate personas.
"Fine then, four-eyes," he replied, smirking slightly.
"I told you! It's 'Dramatic Archer'! Do I need to have to -"
He cut off the commlink for the time being.
Apparently Uryuu Ishida had seen to test his villainous abilities by having him rob a bank. This seriously grated against Ichigo's natural tendencies, not to mention the fact he felt kinda guilty about the entire matter of stealing people's money. Destroying the world was one thing, but taking other people's means of living just felt wrong.
...ya know there's somethin' seriously messed up about that, aibou.
He ignored the voice of his inner hollow.
Right... how does it go...
Ichigo drew Zangetsu dramatically. Ishida had somehow managed to get a device for temporarily sealing zanpakuto and used it on Zangetsu, something that was causing him to sulk in a corner for the time being.
Oh well. At least it'll be less... distinctive.
He kicked the door open, before strolling into the bank.
"This is a stick-up. Pass me the money and nobody gets hurt."
One or two people glanced at him, before turning back to their business -
- wait, what?
Somewhere inside his head, the hollow started laughing his ass off.
...wait, they can't see me. I'm in shinigami form right now.
Ichigo sidled over to the staff door, slipping inside when someone came out.
Right, now I need to find the safe...
THIS SAFE IS TIME-LOCKED. NONE OF OUR STAFF MEMBERS HAVE INSTANTANEOUS ACCESS TO THE SAFE.
You've gotta be shitting me...
Screw this, I'm bored. I ain't hangin' around waitin' for someone to open the damn thing.
Ichigo twitched. It had been two hours and nobody had actually opened the main safe, instead using the cash drawers at the counters. Not to mention his hollow was bored and trying his best to be as annoying as possible.
Blow it! Blow it! Blow it!
...shut up already. I told you. We're not blasting the damn thing open. Too conspicuous.
Aibouuuu... you're so boooriiiing...
Ichigo turned to the safe, finally having given up on waiting for someone to use it.
...how do you crack a safe? Ishida would probably know... nope, definitely not asking him.
Blow it! Blow it! Blow it! Blow i-
Ichigo ripped the seal off his zanpakuto, releasing Zangetsu into its ordinary shikai form.
"GETSUGA TENSHO!"
A massive electric-blue wave of energy left his sword, ripping into the safe, going straight through it and making a hole in the wall behind whilst obliterating the contents of the safe at the same time.
...shit. Ishida's going to be pissed.
Alarms went off as Ichigo hastily stuck the seal back onto Zangetsu again, returning it to its previous katana form. He used a brief burst of shunpo to get out of the bank in time before people started coming to see what had happened.
Rukia Kuchiki and Renji Abarai arrived at the scene shortly after, 12th Division having dispatched them to investigate a mysterious reiatsu pulse.
"What happened here?"
"Beats me..."
MYSTERIOUS BANK JOB OBLITERATES HALF OF WALL: PERPETRATORS UNKNOWN!
[MISSION 1: FAIL]