Paper Hearts
Part XII

Here is the next chapter! I am currently on vacation, and actually getting a lot of writing done. I guess beaches are my muse. Anyway, hope you like it. Actually, you might be mad at me after this one ...

Communication is a relatively simple word for an unbelievably complex thing. It is amazing how often we misunderstand each other. Words sometimes just don't do their jobs. They cannot handle the capacity of feeling, nor can they convey the complexity and depth of our thoughts. They only tell the barest surface of the truth, or, more often than not, a lie. And oftentimes, they betray us just when we need them most.

Addison

The first thing she registered when morning pulled her from the dregs of sleep was that she was very warm. When she snuggled closer to the source of heat, she discovered she was also not alone. That was the second thing. The third was that she was naked, and the fourth was that the legs that entangled and entrapped hers belonged to Derek Shepherd.

That wasn't exactly unusual these days, in light of the fact that they were attempting to conceive a baby, and Addison almost went back to sleep. Then she remembered that conception week was over. And everything changed.

He was supposed to be her friend. Her very best friend, who was there when nobody else was. Derek, whom she'd gone skinny dipping with in the lake last summer. Derek, who bought her tampons when she refused to get out of bed because of PMS. Derek, who secretly Googled all her boyfriends to make sure they weren't serial killers.

And now she would lose him.

There was no way she could compete with the flawless blondes who fought for his and Mark's attention like starving seagulls for a scrap of bread. She'd been wary of this in the first place; adamant that they should remain friends so she wouldn't have to vie with all the other women for his affection. She'd gotten to be friends with Derek for years, while the other women came and went.

In one night, it was all ruined. She didn't know how to do this with Derek. Even if he thought of her like that, which she doubted, her entire existence was changed.

As panic took over, Addison lost her ability to think rationally and fought the tears so desperate to escape. She was so stupid! How had she let this happen?

Addison laid one hand on Derek's warm chest before yanking her legs out from under his. He shivered as the cold air tickled his bare body, and she studied his expression. Childlike in sleep, he looked like the innocent little boy his mother had shown her pictures of. Mussed, inky black curls spilled onto his forehead and he smiled slightly in his sleep. Addison tried to get up quietly, but Derek stirred and she was met by two confused blue orbs as he opened his eyes.

The seconds that passed as they stared at each other felt like eons. Addison had been in the midst of getting up, and their bare skin was still slightly tangled. She blushed, tried to move, and ended up falling on top of him. He laughed, the sound sweet and carefree, and helped her up. She pulled back, scuttling away from him, and his eyebrows knitted in confusion.

"Are you okay?" he asked as she nearly tripped over her overlong limbs again.

"No, Derek, I'm not okay!" she said loudly, frustration at herself making her voice sharper than she intended.

"What's the matter?" His bewilderment was endearing, but she just couldn't take it anymore.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK IS THE MATTER, DEREK?" she yelled. "We're what's the matter! US! Derek, we're friends, best friends! We agreed to only have sex during conception week! And then the day after, what are we doing? Humping like rabbits all over again!"

His mouth, covered by the sprinkling of black stubble, fell open. He seemed unsure how to answer. She was unaware of his emotional turmoil in that moment, so she only stared at him incredulously as he struggled to come up with a retort.

"Addie," he finally managed in a weak voice. "Addie … Okay, so it wasn't conception week. We had sex. We're adults. We have sex."

"You're not supposed to have sex with your fucking best friend!" How could he make light of this? So it was okay to just have sex with her? Did he really think of her like that? Despite their general unpleasantness, Derek had always been a gentleman to all his other girlfriends. Why was she any different?

Derek

"You're not supposed to have sex with your fucking best friend!"

Her stabbing him in the heart couldn't have hurt him more effectively than those words. He had hoped, imagined, prayed that his feelings had begun to be mirrored by hers, but he had been a fool. She thought of him as her friend, and only her friend. That's what he had always promised to be, wasn't it? Any heartbreak now was his own fault.

It just amazed him that all the feelings that coursed through him when he looked at her were not reciprocated. Butterflies didn't assail her stomach when their eyes met, like they did his? She didn't picture rivulets of water running over his bare skin in his fantasies, like he did in his? It wasn't them she saw walking down the isle someday, it was someone else?

Derek cursed himself for being such an idiot. He was losing her with every second that passed. He tried to remedy the situation, but only made the entire situation worse. "Addie, it's us. Addison and Derek. This isn't a big deal. I know you better than anyone else in the world, and you know me too. Maybe this wasn't a mistake, maybe it was …" The word 'fate' hovered at his lips, but faded away as her face turned even redder.

Normally, the sight of Addison screaming at him while completely naked would have been either extremely erotic or slightly hysterical, but it was hard to find anything funny when his heart was being rent in two. "Right, so that makes it okay? So you think you can have sex with me anytime you want? We agreed to make a baby, Derek, that's it! Nothing more! That wasn't part of the deal! And if this entire time, you were just trying to get laid …!"

"Of course I wasn't just trying to get laid!" Derek snapped, angry himself now. How could she think that? He freaking loved her.

"Then don't say it wasn't a big deal! You know it was a big deal for me! I told you what it's been like for me in the past! It was a big deal, so don't dismiss it!"

"That's not what I meant," he cried desperately, but at the same time he sensed that it was a lost cause. They had been at the pinnacle of a tower, unbalanced and wobbly, their relationship blurring lines that perhaps should not have been blurred. And now they were falling, and Derek was afraid to look down and see how far below the ground truly was.

"What did you mean then Derek?" she asked, hand on her hips, her eyes flashing.

Derek knew that the situation demanded a solution. He opened his mouth, completely ready to finally say the words. I love you. I've always loved you. I love you Addison. Please say you love me too. The entire course of his future was balanced on it, and he wet his lips, ready to utter the declaration he'd kept in his heart for far too long. But he couldn't do it. If Addison found out he'd loved her all along, would she feel even more betrayed? She already thought he'd been taking advantage just like any other guy. He couldn't lose the last salvageable bit of their relationship. What if she never talked to him again?

His path could have been easy, happy, bright and straightforward instead of winding and tortuous and twisting, but he didn't know that. All he knew was that he couldn't lose her forever. So Derek could only watch as her rage built up and finally burst forth, leaving his heart in pieces behind her.

"So that's it, Derek? You have nothing to say for yourself? This, none of this, meant anything to you? Just an easy way to get laid a few times a month. What about your child? Did that mean anything to you?"

"How dare you suggest I don't care about our baby?" he yelled back at her, confused by her lack of understanding.

She shook her head. "I thought I knew you, Derek. I thought we wanted the same things, I thought you could honestly do this, could honestly be there for me. But now I find out every fucking thing you've ever said was a lie!"

"How can you even think I only cared about sex, Addison! It was so, so, so much more than that!" he said loudly, discarding any further attempts at civility. What kind of a guy did she think he was?

"You don't get it, Derek! I'm your friend and possibly the mother of your child, not your fuck buddy!"

"I fucking know that, Addison, okay? I know that." They both glared at each other from across the room, neither able to figure out what to do in the face of their biggest fight ever. Derek knew he had to accept that she'd just wanted to be friends all along, and that expecting anything more was wrong. Her assumption that it was about sex, and not love for him wasn't correct, but she was right in the sense that he hadn't been entirely truthful.

He didn't think he could stand the pain of losing her, but then again, he thought, you don't really know how strong you are until you have no other choice but to be strong. 'Broken heart' was supposed to be a figurative term, but Derek would never be foolish enough to believe that again, not when he could feel his heart throbbing in pain.

Addison wasn't in love with him, and never would be. It was time for him to move on. He'd never have her as his girlfriend or fiancée or wife, but she could and would be his friend and child's mother if he could accept it right now. If he could let go and be the best friend that he could be. He could still have that much.

Derek pulled on his sweatpants and picked up his keys, heading for the door. Although she stood still as a statue, beautiful as ever and still completely naked, he didn't allow his eyes to wonder. Their bare skin of their arms still brushed as he passed her, as he was unable to find his shirt, and he felt the spark between them, glaring proof that he had not imagined their chemistry or rightness together, but he yanked his mind from that line of thought quickly.

"I'm sorry, Addie," he said to her bare back, but the only sound was the slam of the front door of his apartment as he walked out into the rain of Seattle.

Addison

Her body shuddered as she drew breath, and she numbly allowed the relentless tears to spill down her cheeks. That had gone all wrong, but for once in her life, Derek and his intentions were a puzzle she was unable to solve. She felt that there was something she was missing; the Derek she knew would have never taken advantage of her. But what other explanation was there for his actions, and his words?

And why the hell did this feel like the worst breakup of her life, if she wasn't even dating the man in question?

Without Derek, his living room was suddenly a mini-Antarctica, and after a bit of searching she was able to locate his t-shirt but none of her clothes. She pulled it over her head, remembering happier, simpler times, and hugged it close. This wasn't right, this wasn't how it was supposed to be, and she sunk down on Derek's floor and bawled her heart out. He did not return, and there was no sign of Mark either as the hours passed. She wished he would walk back through the door and take her back into his arms and say it was all okay.

But when she truly examined her feelings, she was forced to concede that they were not merely friendly. She wanted Derek by her side, always, through everything. She wanted him to see everything, and experience everything, and know everything, something she could not say for Mark or Sam or Preston or any of her other guy friends.

She didn't know what the fuck she felt anymore, but she did know that she wanted Derek back. He would forgive her, right? She already forgave him, if he'd said anything actually wrong in the first place. She couldn't really remember anymore, but it wasn't his fault they'd made wild, reckless love in his living room to the sounds of Mario Kart, which was, in retrospect, the strangest aphrodisiac she'd ever heard of.

Addison extended her body out across the floor, hand gliding over her stomach. An overwhelming desire to be pregnant suffused her, so intense it was almost painful. That, if anything, would bring Derek back. Whatever she'd said, there was no way he'd be able to ignore a baby. And once he was back by her side, she could sort out her tangled feelings and hope she hadn't lost him forever.

Derek

Derek slammed his fist against the hospital wall, eliciting surprised and angry looks from the surrounding nurses and doctors. He groaned. Now he'd really screwed everything up. He thought things would be better at the hospital, but his situation was the same, wherever he was. He wanted to go back and hold onto Addison and never let her go, but he sensed she needed time.

They would get back to being best friends in time, he was sure, but in the meantime, he needed to get over his feelings so he could be the friend she needed. No more secret fantasies, no more whispered declarations once he was sure she was asleep, no more anything.

It hurt, trying to excise her out of his heart, but he felt better as he did it, thinking it was what she wanted. As he cut out deadly tumors and stitched up the remaining damage in the OR, he imagined he was doing the same thing inside himself.

He walked out of the OR a new man. A man who would put every effort into healing his friend and getting over his useless feelings for her. The pain of it twisted his features, and Derek sighed.

"Dr. Shepherd? Are you okay? You look like you're in pain." Derek turned to find Meredith Grey, and her numerous attempts to talk to him came back to him. She could be a step. She was nice, pretty, cared about her patients, and was clearly interested in him.

"I'm fine, Meredith," he said, giving her a small smile that felt somehow fake. "How are you?"

"Actually, um, I wanted to talk to you about something …" she said nervously.

"Would you like to have coffee with me?" he burst out, and she looked frightened and a little taken aback. But after a minute she smiled.

"I'd love to," she said, and they headed toward the cafeteria, Derek's mind doing furious battle with his heart. Moving on. If I want to have any part of Addison, I have to move on.

Okay, don't throw things. I had a feeling that you wouldn't like me after this – sorry. But this is all part of my slightly-evil plan. Don't worry. If you want to yell at me, however, you can do it via review :D.