Disclaimer: This is a nonprofit parody set in the fictional world of Harry Potter. All rights belong to J.K. Rowling.
"My name is Professor Lovegood, and I will be your Magizoology teacher this year." An absent-minded smile graced the professor's lips as she surveyed her first years. "Now, who here can define Magizoology?"
Several hands went into the air, including Rebecca's. Professor Lovegood's eyes settled on the snarky boy instead. She pointed and continued to stare amiably into space.
"Magizoology is the study of magical animals." He replied curtly.
"Yes, and this semester we will be studying the local animals, rather than more exotic specimens. Now, if you look at our surroundings, what kind of creature do you think will be most prominent?"
Rebecca raised her hand once again. Professor Lovegood nodded in her direction.
"Aquatic creatures," she spurted out, giving the snarky boy a burning glance.
"Strike two for Omaha, that'll be ten stars. Freshwater aquatic creatures to be more exact, and today we will be studying perhaps one of the most famous specimens in details. Would everyone please take one of these please?" Professor Lovegood raised an object that resembled a biker's helmet. "They're in the barrel. They create a temporary waterproof, oxygen producing shield."
The crowd of first years gathered around the barrel, grabbing the strange helmets and jamming them onto their heads.
Rebecca fixed her own helmet onto her skull, and fiddled with the straps. She looked towards the professor as she adjusted the headgear.
"Ma'am, what do we need this for?" she asked, stepping towards the professor.
"Protection of course, you don't want to die from lack of oxygen." She said it like it was all so simple, something a two year old should know.
"Lack of oxygen? But why would–" Realization dawned on Rebecca's face. She looked at the rippling surface of the lake and then back at her teacher, who continued to smile into space. "No. No, we can't go out there. Even if this helmet does give us oxygen, we're at the bottom of Lake Superior! The weight alone will crush us!"
"Shield spell, my dear, shield spell. It does more than keep you dry." Professor Lovegood patted her on the shoulder and turned to face the rest of the class. "All right everybody, now that you've got your helmet on, I want to make several things clear; there is to be no separating from the group as you will very probably die. Do not touch any wildlife unless you have my express permission. Try not to scream or pee your pants. Now, everyone please partner up, as it will be safer if you have one person specifically looking after you. Keep in mind the partners you pick now will be your partners for the rest of the semester."
There was drawn out pause, in which students processed the words "very probably die" and "rest of the semester." Then there was panic.
Friends who had come to school together sought each other out, while friends who had just met found each other, and only two children wandered hopeless in between the couples, searching for a companion. At last the two lonely students faced each other, each sneering in disgust.
"You," Rebecca muttered darkly.
"You," the boy with black hair said in response.
They grudgingly came together, neither making eye contact with the other.
"Now I have to know your name," Rebecca murmured, kicking the grass with her foot.
"No you don't," he spat, focused on the ground.
"Why are you so mean to me anyway?"
"Maybe because of the thing in your pocket," he raised his eyes just enough to give her a warning look, fire glinting in his eyes. Rebecca felt her heart stop and she instinctively touched her wand. Was it just her, or did it feel even hotter than normal?
"Alright, everybody grab your partners hand and follow me!" Professor Lovegood faced the wall of water and pushed through the shield as if it were… well, as if it were water. Several couples followed, grimacing in fear.
Rebecca curled her hands into fists and shook her head at the boy. He seemed to understand, so they approached the watery wall, arms crossed and legs wobbling in fear.
Rebecca pushed through the water and squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the weight to crush her or for her lungs to be engulfed with water, but no such thing happened. Instead she felt very suddenly cold. She opened her eyes and grimaced; they were surrounded by murky brown and green water, the lake floor just mere feet beneath the class. They were floating as if they were swimming, but she didn't feel wet or like she was underwater at all. It was what she imagined being in space felt like. Tree stumps and boulders protruded from the muddy bottom, covered in dank brown moss. Brown was the only way to describe the underwater excursion; lots and lots of brown.
"Can everyone here me okay?" Professor Lovegood's voice reverberated in Rebecca's helmet. "Good? All right, swim towards the red light."
Rebecca kicked and reached out her arms, happy to see that even though it felt nothing like water, it still reacted like water. She moved towards the red light that was inevitably Professor Lovegood.
"Okay, never try this without a teacher. If you do there is a good chance you could die. Now, watch this." Professor Lovegood raised her wand and pointed towards the inky unknown. Ripples exploded from her wand, disrupting the current of the water, and creating a strange sound similar to the cry of a whale.
For a moment nothing happened, and the children stared expectantly into the distance. Then it came.
The shape was swimming toward them with unimaginable speed, a dark shape with visible horns. Several girls shrieked and backpedaled, but Rebecca remained stoic, her stomach doing flip turns.
Then it arrived. It was not nearly so intimidating up close. In fact it was quite beautiful.
"This, my good students, is a Lake Monster," Professor Lovegood patted the creature's head. It had the torso of a horse, with four dolphin fins, and the head of a dinosaur. It was a light blue that shimmered in the light produced by the class's helmets. It grinned at the class. "I want each other you to step forward, examine the creature, and make your assessments. Let's start with… oh some names… Bridget Bishop?"
A girl timidly raised her hand.
"Good, come closer so you can tell me what you think."
Bridget swam forwards, her hands obviously shaking.
"Um…" now it was her voice that was magnified through the helmets. "It's got four different fins. The back two are bigger and are more… muscular. The front two are smaller."
"Correct. The back pair of fins is used for movement, the front for steering. Next up, George Burroughs."
George swam up, with a bombastic air about him.
"He also has a tail that could be used for steering."
"Incorrect on two fronts. If you pay further attention, you'll see that the tail is designed like a whale's, it goes up and down. It add alacrity, rather than steering. And it's a she."
Muffled laughter reached the inside of the helmets.
"Next up, Rebecca Nurse."
Rebecca eagerly made her way towards the creature, and went for its head rather than its body. It grinned at her and Rebecca grinned back.
"It's a herbivore, it only eats plants. Look, it doesn't have any fangs or sharp teeth. They're blunt like a horse's."
"Very perspicacious of you. Five stars to Omaha. Now, for the next week we will be studying Lake Monsters. We will study their food, mating habits, habitats, and uses. They are classified as Aquatic Quadrufins. For your homework assignment, I want an expository paragraph summarizing what I listed above. It will be due Friday. But for now, I think we should all take turns riding her." Professor Lovegood patted the Lake Monster's head. "Rebecca, since you're so astute, I think you should go first."
Rebecca nearly peed her pants.
"But isn't this a wild animal?"
"Don't be ridiculous, this specimen was born and bred in captivity. Once you get to third year you can sign up for the Lake Monster races. Climb on."
Rebecca cursed her own intelligence as she clambered onto the slick back of the beast.
"Hold on, gently mind, to the neck of the creature. Don't worry, she was trained for this."
Rebecca gulped. There was another whale sound, and the monster shot into the deep.
In retrospect it was like a very scary rollercoaster with no sound or seat belts.
Rebecca saw the green and brown world pass all around her, as the beast twisted and turned, with no particular destination. It was beautiful and terrifying, her life so delicately placed in the hands of a beast. The underwater universe was perhaps the most terrifying part of all, with all its unknown depths and mysterious creatures. Rebecca could vaguely see gleaming eyes examining her from underneath rocks, their owners archaic as the dirt itself.
Finally, the beast turned towards the group of scared children, and gently glided towards them, depositing the disoriented eleven year old.
"Good job, Rebecca. Who wants to have another go?"
The rude boy, or "Snark" as Rebecca had mentally dubbed him, raised his hand. He pompously made his way towards the beast and swung his leg over the side.
The Lake Monster shot outwards and left Snark spinning through the water.
"Hold on tighter Omaha." Professor Lovegood admonished as the entire class laughed.
Notes: Thanks to all my subscribers and reviewers :) I had so much fun writing this passage, I hope it's enjoyable.