AN:

You have Lamb's Ear to thank for this angst-fest of a chapter being of a better standard than usual!

Spock

A week passed by swiftly. Spock had obtained a leave of absence from Starfleet and remained at the Embassy in San Francisco with his parents. He had been required to appear before the Admiralty board with James Kirk for a debriefing, but otherwise had been temporarily relieved of his duties. All those who'd survived the attack upon Vulcan were given leave or put of reduced duties. Owing to the fact that 87% of the senior year was deceased, fourth year classes had been suspended. Nyota therefore remained with him at the Embassy for the most part, waiting.

She found the empty fourth year dormitory too depressing to spend her time there. She and Gaila U'Aidat were the only fourth year communications majors who had survived. Their friends and classmates had not returned from Vulcan. There were only 7 Starfleet survivors of the Battle of Vulcan excluding the crew of the Enterprise.

There were 82 civilian survivors - those who'd been beamed aboard the Enterprise by Dr McCoy and his medical team - but the only Starfleet personnel who'd lived were those who'd been upon Zuberi Uhura's shuttle. Those of the task force who'd survived the initial battle amidst the wreckage had died when the gravity well of the singularity inside Vulcan had swallowed the planet.

As such the only complete record of the battle was contained in the memory banks of Zuberi's shuttle. According to the shuttle's sensor banks, the task forced had arrived out of warp staggered over 3 seconds. The 'battle' had lasted in total 47 seconds between the first and last salvo fired. The second and third ships to exit warp had lasted less than ten seconds each. The data indicated that 97% of the crew on the ships would have been lost within a standard minute. The USS Farragut had been lost with all hands 37 seconds after exiting warp. Its Engineering deck had suffered a direct hit resulting in a failure of the matter and anti-matter containment fields in the warp core. Spock had reviewed that particular information with focused intent. Whenever he heard 'Farragut' or came across it in a report, the word evoked a powerful and unpleasant response in him.

Spock felt the loss of the cadets, many of whom he'd instructed over their four years of study, to be most unfortunate. They had been on the cusp of graduation, of beginning careers. That four years of study should culminate in a battle which lasted all of 47 seconds was a great... waste. Still, he did not think over much upon the Starfleet loses, he was too occupied with the civilian ones.

The High Council was occupied with obtaining accurate census data on the remaining Vulcans so the most logical decisions could be made with regards to their plans for the future. Spock assisted his father and the other councillors to the best of his ability.

His mother was performing many of Sarek's duties as Ambassador in concert with Ambassador Uhura, with Nyota kept busy by helping both women. For the most part this consisted of diplomatic formalities - responding to communiqués and offers of aid from throughout the Federation and ensuring no one was offended by their overtures being ignored or handled with Vulcan brusqueness.

At his mother's insistence, the afternoon after their return to Earth, Sarek had accompanied her down to the gates of the Embassy. They had accepted the well-wishes and condolences of the crowds that had amassed there in an odd display of human compassion that made him and undoubtedly every other Vulcan at the Embassy, decidedly uncomfortable. Images of his parents solemnly inspecting the towering offerings of flowers and speaking to the people standing vigil were replicated over the subspace news releases.

Ambassador Uhura remarked that she received many offers of aid from people who made direct reference to Sarek and Amanda and the holo releases. Evidently they made a poignant image.

Spock was gratified to realise that his initial estimate of 10,000 survivors of Vulcan was incorrect. A mining colony in the asteroid belt beyond Vulcan had escaped notice as had the monasteries upon T'Khut and the number of Vulcans living on other federation planets and colonies was greater than Spock had realised.

Also, in the decade he had been on earth, Vulcan High Command had given several grants to the Vulcan Science Academy with regards to research they were conducting on more efficient anti-matter reactors. Since such experimentation was dangerous, an off-planet facility had been fabricated upon Delta Vega, which was otherwise unpopulated save the small Starfleet outpost he'd marooned James Kirk near. 121 Vulcan scientists, physicists and engineers for the most part, along with their families and supporting technical and administrative staff numbering some 2,419 in total had survived.

The scientific outpost provided a relief of a personal nature to Spock. Save the few Vulcan founded colonies, such as Vulcanis Lunar Colony - for the most part Vulcans living off planet on mixed Federation colony worlds were of the middle and lower classes. Those who'd risen through the ranks of society – the most gifted scientists, artisans and philosophers – Vulcan's cultural and spiritual leaders - had rarely left the planet and had consequently been lost with it.

The Vulcan Academy of Science outpost in comparison had been home to some of its most distinguished alumni. V'tosh of the high clans for the most part, but all exceedingly intelligent by Vulcan standards regardless of their backgrounds. There would no doubt be candidates more suited to serving in a reformed High Command and other governing Councils than he amongst them.

It seemed possible for the first time since his return to Earth that he might be able to both do his duty to his people and Nyota. He had been purposefully avoiding thinking upon such things, but the fact remained that a career in Starfleet would be illogical given the current situation. He was uncertain of what that would mean for Nyota and himself. If he asked her, he knew that she would also resign her commission, but it had been her life-long goal to serve aboard a starship, to explore the galaxy.

He was uncertain if he could ask such a thing of her. Other options remained. Were she a Vulcan woman a period of separation - perhaps several years but hopefully less with the pool of skilled Vulcans from the Science Outpost - whilst she served aboard the Enterprise and he served his people, would not be considered unusual. Such an arrangement did not seem satisfactory to him however, and he doubted she would be any more enthused, but it seemed preferable to having her resign her commission on his account.

The other option was, of course, p'pil'lay. Divorce. The severing of their marriage bond.

Spock was aware that it would be appropriate to offer Nyota all options, including divorce, given his inability to conform to their unspoken agreement with regards to their marriage. When he had asked her to be his, declared koon-ut so'lik he had thought he would be able to offer her something more acceptable to a human woman, a marriage not dissimilar to a human one. He had not spoken of her needing to abandon her career or endue years away on missions alone for his sake.

Nyota loved him, deeply, of that he had no doubt. He did not think she would desire a severing of the bond, but he was honour bound to offer it to her.

He needed to discuss their future with her soon. Starfleet Command had formalised his commission as First Officer of the Enterprise the day before, a commission he did not mean to accept, and Spock knew Nyota would likely receive her own official orders today. She was at an awards ceremony at the Academy in honour of the crew of the Enterprise. James Kirk was being given a commendation, promotion and command of the ship as Christopher – now Admiral – Pike's relief.

Spock had spoken to his friend only once since his return to Earth, but it had been a satisfactory conversation. Number One had been assisting Pike, 'playing nursemaid' she'd complained, and the more advanced medical facilities on Earth offered the promise of getting him on his feet again. Apart from good news with regards to his injuries, he'd also confirmed that all the cadets that had served aboard the Enterprise were being granted commendations and their graduate diplomas in recognition for their admirable service. Pike had also inferred that those who'd received field promotions and whose performance in said posts was deemed satisfactory, were being granted permanent promotion and commission at that rank.

Pike hadn't come right out and said it, but he'd plainly implied that Nyota, Lieutenant Sulu, Ensign Chekov, Lieutenant Commander Scott and Doctor McCoy would be offered the senior staff positions aboard the ship under Kirk. Whilst all had proven themselves capable, Spock thought grouping so many inexperienced officers under an equally inexperienced Captain unwise. It would have been more logical to split them between several ships. Pike had partially agreed but seemed to think they'd 'do just fine.'

Spock found himself deeply conflicted. The thought of serving aboard the Enterprise with Nyota appealed to him immensely. He'd even developed a grudging, acceptance he supposed was the correct term, for James Kirk. It didn't approach the respect he held for Admiral Pike or the friendship he'd felt for Zuberi Uhura, but he sensed that despite their differences, there was potential for friendship between them. If Kirk could exhibit a little more restraint and maturity. Or stop being such an 'insufferable ass' as Nyota more colourfully put it. She had not forgiven the man for his behaviour and Spock did not blame her. As it was his own acceptance was based upon certain suspicions he had regarding one 'Ambassador Spock'.

He felt Nyota crossing the city from the Academy back towards the Embassy at 16:27 hours. He had spent the afternoon assisting Okosu T'Pau and Osasu Sosik in assembling candidates to replace the last Minister of Security who'd died in Shi'Kahr. The most suitable replacements were the few high ranking ministry operatives and administrators who'd been assigned off planet. Since Spock was not a member of the High Council, he merely offered advice, but given the sheer volume of appointments the Council had to make, the elders appeared to appreciate any means to enable them to come to logical and sound decisions swiftly.

Already replacement councillors had been appointed to the High Council and several key government positions had been filled. High Command had yet to be reformed, but Spock gathered that the High Council was waiting until they were certain they had a complete census of those who survived before making such important appointments.

As such, the Embassy was steadily filling up with what was more or less the Vulcan government. Spock made his way from the meeting rooms he had been talking with T'Pau and Sosik in. He passed many Vulcans. Seemingly in response to the crisis, they had all dressed far more elaborately and traditionally then was the norm for Vulcans off-planet. Spock himself wore robes suitable for an audience with venerated ones such as T'Pau and Sosik, but compared to what many of the politicians, ministers and assorted diplomatic and administrative staff were wearing, his garb was quite plain.

Feeling Nyota approaching the building, he made his way down to the foyer to greet her. Given the influx of visitors and guests at the Embassy, he suspected she might be detained from entering and subjected to security checks. Sure enough he exited a turbolift to the ground floor foyer to find his wife being scanned with a hand held security tri-coder. She was wearing her dress uniform. Spock noted her Lieutenant's stripes. It appeared that she'd been officially granted her commission as he suspected. She met his eyes across the room. She smiled and raised an eyebrow at the thorough search she was being given, but he felt more amusement then irritation from her at the attention.

Spock made his way through the milling throng to the security desk.

'I doubt very much that the Lieutenant poses a security threat.' he remarked conversationally to the Vulcan guard attending Nyota.

'I am certain you are correct Sir. It is protocol however - all visitors are to be scanned.' the guard replied quite pleasantly for a Vulcan. Spock imagined he'd been posted on Earth for some time and was therefore more accustomed to being terran in his manners.

The guard turned back to Nyota. 'It is a requirement of entry to the Vulcan Consulate that all visitors provide valid identification and state the nature of their business.'

Nyota nodded and smiled. 'Of course.' She continued to find the situation humorous.

Spock addressed the guard once more. 'I assure you this is quite unnecessary.'

'Forgive me honoured sir - I am sure your Starfleet colleague has legitimate business within the building, but my instructions were clear.' The guard replied in Vuhlkansu.

Again impressed with the guard's tact Spock decided to let him go about his business. He exchanged a look with Nyota, raising an eyebrow in a gesture comparable to a human shrug.

The guard turned back to a bemused Nyota and handed her a PADD. 'Please sign your name ma'am.'

Nyota did so and handed back the PADD.

'Thank you. Your Starfleet ID will be sufficient to verify your identity.' The guard continued.

Nyota obligingly handed over the small chip for the guard to scan. The guard did so automatically and Nyota's file appeared on his computer console.

Handing back the chip, the guard continued by rote, 'Please state the purpose of your visit to the Vulcan Consulate Lieutenant—' the guard glanced at the computer screen obviously intending to use her name, '—S'chn T'gai…' his voice trailed off in apparent shock and glanced sharply at Spock in dawning realisation.

Nyota was clearly trying not to laugh. 'I'm visiting my husband.' she replied gesturing elegantly towards Spock with her right hand.

The guard suddenly bowed. Sharply. Twice. 'Forgive my ignorance Okosu S'chn T'gai.'

He addressed Nyota formally rather than by her given name. Those nearby, Vulcan and human alike turned to regard him curiously.

The guard spun and repeated the gesture towards Spock, bowing once more. 'Osasu Spock.'

Spock nodded slightly to indicate that he had not taken offence.

Nyota was smiling. 'You perform your duties with admirable thoroughness. May I now proceed?'

'Of course Okosu S'chn T'gai.' he bowed again, just his head this time.

Nyota kindly returned the gesture. 'Thank you.'

Spock offered Nyota his fingers in an ozh'esta. She returned the gesture, falling in beside him half a step behind in the telik'rak (bonded-position). It was a small thing, having her walk at his side openly as his wife, but it bought him satisfaction. Across their joined fingertips her warm thoughts cleared into words that sparked with bright terran humour.

/That poor man. I think he nearly had a heart attack./

He was pleased that the guard's actions had not offended her.

/I *did* attempt to offer clarification./ Spock replied in the same manner.

Spock noted a marked increase in the attention he received with Nyota walking at his side. Since their behaviour was unremarkable, he deduced the interest stemmed from general curiosity rather than any specific cause. He ignored it accordingly and felt Nyota do likewise.

They returned to his father's private residence. Nyota's good humour faded steadily as they made their way there. By the time Spock had followed her into the room they had been sharing, he could feel her trepidation clearly. Obviously despite his efforts to contain his own misgivings about their situation, she was cognizant of them.

He was therefore somewhat surprised when instead of demanding clarification as he had expected, she instead kissed him.

Spock's confusion and surprise quickly gave way to pleasure and growing desire under Nyota's attentions. She kissed him ardently, letting him feel her desire for him through their entwined fingers and their bond with her customary lack of restraint. Spock felt her intentions although she thoughtfully clarified them for him /make love to me Spock./

The words were passed from her mind to his via their fingers. Her mouth was occupied with kissing him, a task she apparently deemed more important than vocalising her wishes out loud.

Spock hesitated. He felt… uneasy. As if faced as they were by a decision of import with regards to their future together, he should not lie with her until it had been spoken of. He pulled away from her slightly, intending to voice his concern. She spoke out loud this time.

'No. nononono.' he heard panic in her voice, a hint of fear or dread. She pressed her brow against his and curled a hand against the side of his face, holding him to her. 'I want you to make love to me now, before we speak of things that might break my heart.'

Her words froze him. It was apparent she had been thinking along similar lines as he and come to similar, unsatisfying, conclusions. The thought should have pleased him, but he found he did not. There were many things he felt, wished to say to her in that moment, but he did not have the words. He spoke her name.

'Nyota.'

He did not sound Vulcan at all. He sounded human, emotional and confusing. Somehow she understood. The single utterance managed to convey to her all he felt.

'Spock.'

He heard his feelings echoed in her own choked voice. Love, sadness, resignation, desire.

He pressed his lips against her face, a kiss upon the cool curve her cheek. He tasted her tears there. Moisture. Salt.

He felt too much. He ached.

He kissed her again. Again. Her cheek, her brow, her mouth, whispered words against her skin between them. 'Dan'taluhk ashal-veh. Ashayam. k'hat'n'dlawa. Ashau nash-veh du. Dash-tor nash-veh t'du tusa. Sanoi. Pehkau. (most-precious darling-one. Beloved. Half-of-my-heart. I love you. Your tears injure me. Please. Stop.)'

His words seemed to have the opposite effect to that intended. She shook in his arms, her breath drawn in gasps, tears running down her face. 'Sanoi Nyota (please).'

She was trying to control herself, he felt her struggle. Her fingers pressed into his face firmly, tilted his head so that her lips brushed against hers as she spoke.

'Kiss me and I will stop.'

It was some time before her words were proven true and Spock needed to do more than simply kiss her. Whatever turmoil their minds were in it seemed their bodies were unaffected however. Spock pulled off Nyota's uniform and let his robes join it on the floor. He dismissed thoughts of Starfleet and duty with them and focused simply upon Nyota. She was beautiful, perfect, and she was his. At least for now.

He joined their minds as he joined their bodies and revelled in the sensation of being one with her. The ache receded. There was no room for anything else when he was so filled with her.

Afterwards they lay together on the bed. The sheets and bedding had been shoved aside and they lay with nothing between them, limbs entwined so that as much of their bodies as possible touched.

Spock did not speak. He counted her heartbeats, her breaths.

'You will resign your commission.' she stated. Her voice was calm, her emotions oddly muted. Slim brown fingers were idly tracing patterns against his skin. Spock did not think she would cry. He was uncertain if this pleased or displeased him. It was unexpected.

'My people face extinction. It is logical to resign my commission and help rebuild our race.' Spock replied.

'Logical and honourable.' Nyota added distractedly.

Honour was not one of the reasons behind his decision, but he understood her meaning. She referred to self-sacrifice. A trait held in high regard by humans. 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.' he agreed.

She fell silent again.

She was not reacting in the manner he had anticipated.

He recalled her anger when he had returned to Earth after his posting aboard the USS Nelson and she had thought he intended to deny his feelings for her. Nyota had yelled at him, come very close to physically striking him. He had not expected such anger in this instance, but he had expected her response to be as emotional. Instead she was calm. Resigned. It was unlike her.

The silence stretched and Spock knew he must break it. That they must reach a conclusion regarding their future. But he found it hard to speak of their options. He knew he had to consult her, that now was the correct time for such a discussion, and yet the words would not come. They clung to one another within their bond and they could not physically be any closer, and yet he felt a terrible yawning distance growing between them.

He was hurting her. He knew this. Felt it. He had hurt her in the past, but when he had done so it had been unwittingly. He had not known then that she loved him, had not known how he hurt her. What he did now would be a wilful act. He knew precisely how distraught she would be. To do such a thing went against his every instinct, both human and Vulcan.

Instead of speaking logically, reasonably, of their options, he found himself voicing his feelings. 'I do not know what to do. I do not wish to hurt you, yet I know all acceptable paths ahead of me will do so.'

Nyota was silent for 24 seconds. Spock felt her thinking upon his words. 'Speak Spock. Tell me what you intend.'

'To resign my commission to Starfleet and aid my people in rebuilding our race.' he replied quickly.

'And how will you do this? You are a scientist, a Starfleet officer, not a diplomat or a politician.' There was no censure in her tone, she simply wished to understand his precise intent.

'Initially I will continue such tasks as I have been performing since our return to Earth - help in the establishment of a functioning governing body for the survivors of Vulcan. After that the Council intends to establish a new colony. There will be many tasks to which my skills will be suited throughout such an undertaking.'

'So you will remain here and aid your father and then travel to the new colony.' she surmised.

'Yes.'

'And what would you have of me Spock?' there was a pleading note to her voice.

'The most logical course of action would be for you to remain aboard the Enterprise.' Spock replied.

'This is your preference?' she asked, her voice cool once more. Her tone gave him a sense of misgiving.

'No. My preference would be to remain on the Enterprise with you. But I cannot.' he responded, attempting to make perfectly clear his own personal desires.

'Five years is a long time.' she pointed out. To a human it was indeed. Humans were highly social. It would be unnatural for a human to consider such a long separation from a spouse. It would more or less constitute an estrangement.

Spock swallowed. He knew he had to say it, make the offer though he knew she would not accept it. The words felt strange in his mouth. 'I could arrange for a p'pil'lay to be performed.'

The sudden cold sweep of pain that engulfed Nyota at his words made his breath catch in its intensity. She froze in his arms, turned to ice in his mind and pulled herself apart from him within their bond, a sudden wrenching movement that was almost painful. He took a deep breath and he braced himself for her ire.

He felt her anger, but it was cold and contained.

'It would be logical.' she agreed in a voice he barely recognised.

Spock felt his heart lurch and then increase its tempo. Though he had convinced himself he would free her if she asked it of him, he had not truly considered it a possibility. 'Logical in what way?' he inquired, not managing to keep his voice even remotely calm.

'You are a member of an endangered species.' she said, quoting his words. He could feel her pushing her anger down, trying to remain aloof to her emotions. Her restraint did not please him.

He frowned. 'I do not understand the implication of that statement upon our marriage.'

Nyota was silent for a period of 38 seconds. Her anger and despair rose and fell within in great waves. He felt her master them somewhat, calm herself.

'It is widely believed that humans are descended from only 600 breeding pairs.' she remarked. Spock assumed she made reference to the commonly held theory that a disaster of some sort had nearly wiped out the human race some 70,000 standard years previously. There was significant evidence to support the theory, most obviously the exceedingly low amount of genetic diversity in the human race as opposed to other sentient species.

The situation was comparable on some level with that now faced by the Vulcans. She made mention of it in reassurance? He did not understand why she would change the topic they discussed so abruptly however. Perhaps a coping mechanism because she found the subject matter too distressing?

'I am familiar with that theory.' he replied.

Nyota nodded. 'With logic and science to aid you, I cannot see how the Vulcans could fail to rebuild their race.'

Although accurate, Spock found her comments highly confusing. 'I agree with your assessment, however, to clarify our previous discussion - you wish to sever our bond Nyota?'

'Of course I don't wish it.' the sudden acid in her voice was almost reassuring after her coolness. 'I accept the logic of it however.'

Spock blinked. There was a growing sense of dread, no – terror – within him. He swallowed. His throat felt dry and constricted. Nyota extracted herself from him, pulled her body from his as she had pulled her mind. Spock sat in the bed and watched as she gathered her clothing. Something terrible was occurring. Some miscalculation he had made, something he had done, had led to this situation. Nyota took her things into the bathroom.

She closed and locked the door after her. Never before had she placed a locked door between them. Although she held herself apart, he still sensed her pain and anger. He heard her running a shower. The noise of the water did not quite drown out the sound of her crying. He wished to comfort her, but was powerless to do so. He sat motionless upon the bed for a period of 12.3 minutes. She thought it logical to sever their bond. She did not wish to be his any longer. His panic was so great he was forced to resort to a meditative breathing exercise to calm himself.

When she emerged she was fully dressed, her hair neatly styled and her face cold and still. He had donned a loose pair of meditation pants but otherwise remained unmoved. She met his eyes only fleetingly before glancing past him.

'From my understanding p'pil'lay is brief ritual performed by a healer or elder?' she asked.

'Affirmative.' Spock replied, at a loss as to what to say or do to fix whatever was occurring between them. He reached for her within their bond but she was still pulling away, keeping herself distant to him.

'Are there any who can perform such a thing amidst the Vulcans residing in the Embassy?' she asked.

There were several. T'Pau for one. 'There are. May I inquire as to your desire for such alacrity in this matter?' he was aware that his voice was emotional, but found it impossible to smooth entirely.

'The Enterprise will be leaving spacedock in two days' time. I will be required to report to my post no later than 08:00 pre-launch which means I am only available this evening and tomorrow.'

'There is risk to p'pil'lay.' Spock said. 'It has never been performed upon a human.'

'And sometimes Vulcans go mad or die. Yes I'm aware of the risks Spock.' her tone was clipped. Not dissimilar to that she used in conversation with James Kirk.

It was difficult but Spock forced himself to admit his feelings on the matter. 'I would prefer not to take such risks. I would not hold you to our marriage if you desire to be free of it,' saying that, saying he would let her be another's made him feel ill. '- a human divorce would be safer.' And at least then he would still have a connection to her, something she could not share with another.

'No. We married in the Vulcan manner, we will divorce in the same way.' she insisted.

'That is not a valid argument.' he remarked.

'I don't want it!' she replied, her voice rising in both pitch and volume.

'Clarify.'

'I don't want to feel you if we aren't…' she took a deep breath and pressed a hand to her throat. Her voice was very soft when she continued. 'I can't be bonded to you and not married to you.' she shook her head. 'It would be torture.'

Spock could both feel her distress and hear it in her words. 'You feel your distress at our separation will be exacerbated by the presence of our bond? This is why you wish to sever it?'

'Yes.'

He could not fault her logic. 'If you believe divorce will cause you less emotional distress then a long separation, then I will accept your decision on the matter.' The moment he had said them, he wished to take the words back.

'I want to do it now.' she said.

Spock frowned. 'Immediately?'

'Yes. Surely some elder can spare five minutes to free S'chn T'gai Spohkh from his illogical marriage to his human female.' There was much bitterness in her tone. 'They'll probably form a queue.'

'I would prefer to wait until tomorrow.' No not tomorrow. He would prefer to wait indefinitely.

'I would prefer not to.' she replied, her lips pursing.

Spock regarded her, felt her determination. He forced himself to speak. 'Very well. I will locate an elder.'

Nyota crossed the room and sat down at the small table near the window. She crossed her arms and looked out the window, avoiding his gaze, dismissing him with her body language.

Spock left the room and called T'Pau upon the console in the sitting room. She informed him that she was currently occupied but that Elder Sosik had intended to remain at the Embassy that evening if his need of an elder was urgent. Spock thanked her and contacted Sosik. The Elder agreed to his request readily enough.

It would only take him minutes to travel to Sarek's apartments from his own rooms. Spock returned to Nyota. She still sat near the window, motionless. When he entered she looked up at him expectantly.

'Elder Sosik will be here momentarily.' he informed her.

She nodded and rose to her feet. 'Where would be appropriate to receive him?' she inquired.

'The sitting room would be sufficient.'

'Very well.'

She brushed past him, cold and stiff, like a forgery of herself.

Spock hastily pulled on a robe and shoes then joined her in the sitting room.

Elder Sosik arrived 4.3 minutes later.

They exchanged greetings.

Spock informed the elder of their need. He seemed surprised though he quickly masked it. He spoke to them at length before offering his aid. Had they discussed other options? Where they aware of the risks? Would they not prefer to wait until T'Pau could perform the ritual?

Nyota's answers were cool and pointed. Definite.

They knelt before the elder as they had once knelt before T'Sul. Spock felt as if he were watching someone else. He felt the warm papery fingers of Sosik at his temple. Felt the uncomfortable echo of the three-way meld between the healer, Nyota and himself.

Sosik did something, made some deft movement within his mind and suddenly Nyota was gone from him. Instinctually he reached after her, reaching, reaching, but she was gone, there was no trace of her. The elder's hand slipped from his face. He was alone. He had not realised how much of her he had carried within him. It felt as if half his mind, half his thoughts and very being had suddenly darked and died leaving a gaping blackness. It was intolerable. It was excruciating.

He heard a soft thud beside him.

Nyota had fallen on her side. He could not feel her, and for a few seconds he did not know if she had merely fainted or died. He pulled her onto her back.

There was red blood on her face. The smell of it made him nauseous. His fingers skimmed over her features seeking a wound. There was none, the blood came from her nose. Beneath his fingers he sensed the blur of her thoughts. They reassured him.

'She is not permanently damaged.' Elder Sosik remarked coolly. Spock ignored him. He noted that his breathing was uneven and his heart rate accelerated. He did not attempt to regulate them.

'Nyota.'

Her thoughts flickered. On some level she heard him.

'Nyota. Nyota please open your eyes.'

He inhaled through his nose to clear it, there was a sudden excess of mucus in his nostrils. Something ran down his cheek. Warm liquid. It tickled. He pressed his fingers to his skin, expecting them to come away green. Instead there was a clear liquid on his fingertips. He stared in disbelief. He blinked. Felt tears run down his face. He was crying. He had not cried in 23.8 years. Vulcans did not cry.

Nyota lay unmoving, bleeding, and he was weeping. 3.2 hours previously she had greeted him with a smile and called him husband.

He should not have agreed to p'pil'lay. It had been an illogical risk. Nyota had been angry when she made her choice. He should have insisted they wait until the next day, given her long enough to think on it calmly.

His father and mother were both reaching out to him though their bonds but he ignored them, his entire focus on Nyota. The urge to press his fingers to her psi points and meld with her, if only to ensure she was unharmed, was immense. There was a vacuum within him that was focused upon her. A relentless need to feel her mind against his consumed him. The brief flashes, the distant feel of her he received through his hands on her face both soothed and tempted him. She was injured however, he did not know what a meld would do, and clearly he did not have her permission.

'Nyota, Nyota please. awaken.'

Again those thoughts shifted, he could feel her struggling to wake up, reaching out towards him.

He heard voices. His parents.

His mother was suddenly on her knees beside him. 'Spock what has happened?'

He heard her words, understood her question, but could not divide his attention to answer her. 'Nyota. Nyota. Awaken.'

'What has occurred?' his father's voice.

'Your son requested p'pil'lay.' Elder Sosik.

'You risked such a thing on a human?'

'I was very clear in the risks. The human female was adamant.'

'What can we do? Does she need a doctor?'

'She is physically unharmed. I will have T'Pau come. Perhaps she can undo whatever Sosik has done.'

'What of Spock? He's in such pain. He's crying Sarek. I have not seen him cry since he was child.'

Nyota shifted slightly in his arms. He did not recall when he had gathered her into his lap. Her thoughts beat against the barrier between them like a million tiny wings. The urge to meld with her consumed him. He was uncertain how long he stayed like that, sat on the floor with Nyota's limp body in his arms, willing her to awaken. At some point a new voice joined his parents. Oko-mekh-il. T'Pau.

She stood beside him, the folds and layers of her robes brushing cool and soft against him. A hand near his face. 'Spohkh. Your thoughts. Give them to me.'

Listlessly he tilted his head so she could press her fingers to his psi points. He barely registered her warm touch and the cool probe of her mind. His mind was in tatters. k'hat'n'dlawa was gone. Half his heart, half his soul had been ripped from him. For once he didn't care what his stoic grandmother might think of his emotional, human weakness. He made no effort to guard his thoughts from her. His Nyota was gone. She was supposed to be with him, he'd known it the moment he first met her. He'd recognised her. Something inside him had awoken at the sound of her voice. There was only her.

His oko-mekh-il spoke in his thoughts. /Shan'hal'lak.(The Engulfment)/

/Ah. Ashayam. K'hat'n'dlawa (Yes. Beloved. Half-of-my-heart)/

Spock felt gentle cool reassurance from his grandmother. /I will make this right Spohkh. I will give you back your ashayam. Be calm/

She withdrew from him and Spock was once more alone with the aching emptiness. He heard his parents and T'Pau speaking again and then his father helped T'Pau kneel beside him. The elderly woman gently took his hand in her own and removed it from Nyota's face. He heard her thoughts once more. /Be calm Spohkh./

She released him and pressed wizened fingers to Nyota's cheek and temple. Nyota's face slackened, her breathing evened. Spock could vaguely feel something happening from where he gripped Nyota's hand and then her eyelashes flickered, her eyes shifting beneath their lids. T'Pau removed her hand and sat back.

Nyota blinked. Once. Twice. Her eyes opened. Brown eyes. dan'vansurik (most-beautiful).

He could not breathe correctly. His body was attempting to simultaneously gasp as deeply as possible and hold his breath. For a moment she simply looked at him, and he felt her love through his fingertips, muted, distant, but reassuringly real. And then she gasped. Her back arched and she made a terrible noise of intense pain.

He could feel her agony through his fingertips. Something had been torn away from her, she was bleeding, dying. There was a throbbing pain deep inside her, a ragged wound. Her fingers clenched where he held her hand. She sobbed, cried, took a great shuddering breath. Her lips formed a word he heard only through his fingers.

/Spohkh!/ His name. pleading.

'Nyota!'

'Meld with her. Now Spohkh.' His grandmother's voice. A forceful command.

He pressed his fingers to her face. He did not have to say the words. Before his fingers were even fully aligned their minds had blurred into one. Relief. It was instantaneous and consuming. They were whole once more. Nyota. Spock. Ashayam. Beloved. Her fingers were in his hair, drawing him closer so their foreheads pressed together.

His breathing calmed and his heart rate slowed. The pain was gone, just a memory, but it took some time for their thoughts to recover from the shock of the bond being severed.

When he felt relatively calm once more Spock let Nyota feel his thoughts on the p'pil'lay. /I will die before I am parted from you again in this manner k'hat'n'dlawa./

/Yes. Never again. Never parted. We-are-one. My-heart-my-love-my-dearest-one./

It seemed he and Nyota were in complete agreement in this regard. Still, he felt her sadness, her fear. It would be painful being parted from him and knowing he was with another. She wondered if she would feel it through their bond.

Shock.

Another?

She tried to push the thought away but he held onto it. He heard his words from earlier in the evening about rebuilding his race. His preference that she not stay with him. His talk of divorce.

She had thought he intended to reproduce with a Vulcan female.

The thought dumbfounded him.

/No. There will never be another. Only you. Only Nyota./

He felt her wariness. She did not quite believe him, though she wanted too. /Why do you not wish me with you then? Why did you speak of p'pil'lay?/

He felt her hurt. Her confusion.

His reasons were too complicated. Too difficult to form into coherent thoughts so he simply pushed the big mess towards her. Let her feel first hand. She plucked apart the tangled knot with practised ease. Humans were accustomed to such turmoil. At length his reasons were laid plain before her.

He did not wish her to sacrifice her happiness for him. He did not wish her to suffer, to be lonely. He could not be the husband she deserved, so he must let her find another if she wanted.

Choked, sobbing laughter bubbled out of her. Her thoughts were awash with a despairing amusement. 'Oh Spock. We are idiots.'

'A succinct assessment.' T'Pau agreed in a cool voice.

Spock lifted his head from Nyota's and straightened. His parents and grandmother were seated nearby drinking spice tea. It appeared a significant period of time had passed. They regarded he and Nyota intently. T'Pau's lips were pursed. Spock recalled her earlier gentleness in mild confusion. He felt Nyota's own thoughts mirror his own. His grandmother had been very kind to her when she'd melded with her. Her cold behaviour now was greatly at odds with that.

'Tel-has-mar (Bond sickness) would have driven you both mad in a matter of days. Not to mention that the shock of p'pil'lay nearly killed Nyota outright.' she said, her tone sharp.

'Oko-mekh-il. Thank you for you aid.'

'The next time you disagree with your wife, do as your father does Spohkh, buy her a frivolous gift. Don't offer to divorce her.'

Spock blinked. 'Yes Oko-mekh-il.'

'And you Nyota.' She turned her keen gaze upon Nyota. 'Having melded with you it is now apparent to me that you have more sense than my grandson in these matters. I trust you will make better use of that in future.'

'Yes Okosu T'Pau.' Nyota replied meekly.

'As Spohkh's wife you may address me as Oko-mekh-il.' T'Pau corrected.

Spock observed his father's eyes dart to the side to look at his mother in surprise at her pronouncement.

Nyota seemed slightly dazed by all that had occurred, but aware of the significance of T'Pau's words. She'd just been accepted by his clan's matriarch. 'Thank you… oko-mekh-il.'

T'Pau nodded regally before turning once more to face Spock. 'Spohkh. Your wife requires rest. A human should not have to endure p'pil'lay or Tel'has-mar.' Her tone clearly implied it was his fault that she had. She was correct of course. 'Attend her.'

Dismissed, Spohkh rose to his feet, Nyota in his arms. He inclined his head towards his parents and grandmother by way of parting. Nyota did not know what to say, felt awkward at being carried. Before she could insist he put her down Spock turned and left the room. The moment they were out of sight of his relations she relaxed against him.

He lay her on the bed still unmade from their earlier use of it, and retrieved a cloth from the bathroom. Carefully he cleaned her face of the dried blood from her nosebleed. She was tired enough that she let him without trying to do it herself. He removed her uniform, folding it neatly, then took off his robe and slid into the bed behind her in his loose meditation pants. Of their own accord his arms wrapped around her, pulled her tightly against him, small and warm and perfect.

Her hair was soft and smelt of her favoured flowery Terran shampoo. Her heart beat at 72 bpm beneath his hand. Through their bond he felt the reassuring warm presence of her mind curled beside him. She was safe. She was alive. His hold on her tightened just the same, as if he could somehow undo the pain he had caused earlier by protecting her now. Illogical.

The p'pil'lay had left him feeling strange. Uncomfortable. His head ached slightly. Nyota twisted in his arms to face him. He could feel an echo of his own discomfort in her. She pressed herself close to him, wrapping an arm around his neck and clutching at his hand with the other. The connection of his fingers bought mild relief to the discomfort.

He felt her words inside his mind. /tel'has-mar (bond-sickness)?/

/Yes./ Guilt at the pain and danger he had exposed her to welled up in him.

/no no. I was being stubborn. I insisted. I knew I was being reckless./

She lifted his hand up to her face. /meld with me?/

He let his fingers seek out her psi points, let his thoughts sink into hers. The ache in his head vanished taking the last discomfort with it. Nyota sighed against him in relief.

His eyelids were blinking, closing without conscious thought. He was tired. Tired in a way he rarely felt as a Vulcan. Nyota's breathing was already evening, her thoughts slowing as she succumbed to slumber. Spock let his eyes close and joined her.