"You… you gave the management rail to THIS guy?" Wheatley exclaimed in betrayal. If he were programmed to have tears he would have been sobbing right then.
"This guy happens to be the finest adventurer on the whole planet… NO. On the whole universe," the Rick the Adventure Core bragged. "Not that you would know, being a sissy little wimp!"
"And a moron," GLaDOS added.
"I AM NOT A- You know what?" Wheatley turned away from the two AIs, "I'm not going to listen to either one of you. From this point on, I am NOT talking to either one of you and I will only respond to being called my proper name by anyone else who isn't either one of you. Do you hear that?"
"I'd be astonished if you went five minutes without using that worthless voice box of yours to talk about subjects only a moron could comprehend due to their well… simplicity."
"I give him two minutes before he starts talking again!" Rick said, "Who wants to bet? I give the moron ONE minute before he-"
"Do you have to use the word, 'moron' like that?!" the aforementioned moron burst out, "You know there are other words that- agh, I'm didn't mean to talk to you!"
While Wheatley was fuming, Chell stretched her arms and asked the sexiest and most badass core in Aperture Science, "So what are you even doing here?"
"I was just hanging around, protecting the facility from danger and checking out my awesome Pecs," Rick proclaimed loudly over Chell muttering that he didn't even have Pecs, "when I heard some strange noises coming from the main chamber. My Rick Senses were tingling and I just knew there was a pretty lady that needed my rescuing. So I SWOOPED in… and found you nerds in here and absolutely no danger at all!"
"Well, that's not 100% true, considering the sheer danger this story is to my mental health…"
"What? Reading books? That ain't real danger!" Rick replied. "Real danger is clawing you way through a jungle and fighting your way pasts hordes of Nazis to claim the-"
"Oh really?" Wheatley challenged, his optic narrowed at Rick. "If you think you're so tough and brave, then why don't you sit here and read a chapter with us then? Unlike you, I've spent seven chapters reading this awful story-"
"With your mental capacity, a story like this is most likely at your reading comprehension level anyways," GLaDOS said to Wheatley.
"SHUT UP!" Wheatley snapped, his fear of GLaDOS temporarily gone. He turned back to Rick. "So what do you say, huh? Think you're brave enough to sit here and suffer through this like the rest of us?"
"You're on, wimp," Rick said menacingly.
It was the scientific equivalent of a showdown. AI glared at AI. It probably helped that Rick was not-so-discreetly humming Western showdown music. Chell peered over at the two cores. "So… are you guys ready to get this over with?"
"Pfft, I was born ready," Rick said enthusiastically.
And so with Chell's tenacity, GLaDOS' snarkiness, Wheatley's naïveté, and Rick's… manliness, the odd group began the next chapter.
AN YOU GUYSARE ALL SO WEIRD! Says the person who thinks it's normal to have a robot head attached to my ass. YOU WERE GIVIN ME GOOD REVIEWS THEN YOU SAY IM A TROLL AN THAT YUR GONNA KILL ME AN PUT SALT IN MY THINGS? Putting salt in her things? How does that even kill humans?! I swear the biology of these bloody humans is absolutely disgusting… IF IT WERENT FOR THE PEPOLE HOO REALLY LICK MY STORY LIKE THE BUZINESS GUY AN SEPHRAL AN CAT I believe I just found some new test subjects. NOT BOUNCY ID STOP IT RITE NOW! You can stop now! Really! The story would be even better if you just stopped! Oh please stop! PLEASE STOP I'M BEGGING YOU!
PS - I NO THAT GLADOS IS SPELLED GLADOS I CALLED HER FUSION CHELLGADOS BECOS CHELL ALREADY HAS THE LS AN IT SOUNDED MORE COOLER! _Pfft, that ain't cool! You know what is cool? An evilly sexy and devious AI named Rick. Just sayin'_
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER TWELF: THE FINAL BATTLE This isn't going to be the final battle is it? Considering we have six more chapters after this… no. Someone please grab a turret and shoot me already.
Ratman an I were goin thru the air ducks to get to CHELLGADOSs layer were the final show down wold be. Weeeee. I can hardly contain my anticipation. Wheatly was growlin an tryin to be scarry becos he didant have weapons so he was lick are cheer leader. I AM NOT A CHEERLEADER! _Think again, wimp. If I wrote this story I'd make you the nerd and a sissy cheerleader_ We intered the layer an saw CHELLGADOS buildin turrents but these ones was speshal becos they cold walk a round an shoot an stuff! "INTURDER!" One of the turrents called to CHELLGADOS. CHELLGADOS looked at me with all the angry she ever had. Which wasn't very much considering she's brain-damaged beyond repair.
"Marrissa Roberts you have interfeared with my plans for the last time becos now I will kill you." Why kill her when you can test her? Then she seed Ratman an got more angry. "RATMAN IS A LIFE? NOW YOU WILL BOTH DYE!" Now Rattmann will be A DEATH. CHELLGADOS taked out her portal gun wich was modified to shoot bullets lick a reel gun but cold shoot portals to just in case. In case what? You wanted to solve a test while you're on your bloody murder rampage? She fired the portal gun an it hit Ratman with a boom an I thot he was dead for sure. Unless portal guns are now actual guns, I highly doubt that. Then again, I guess I shouldn't rule that out in this drek of a story.
But Ratman gotted up! The people in this fic have more lives than cats! For the record, cats only have one life. Believe me, I tested that. "Silly CHELLGADOS you cannt hurt me becos..." He pulled down his pants an I saw that he had replased his man thingys with... the space an rick cores! "IVE GOT BALLS OF STEEL!" _WHAT?_ Oh, you are kidding me. I feel violated and disturbed and I'm not really even sure why. (Thats from a game called Duke Nukum Forever its funny Ahaha, no. Not even a little bit.) The space core was still thing he was in space but Rick was mad at been one off Ratmans tentacles. _Damn right I was! He should be the one being my tentacles!_ "Well then ill just portal you into space like Wheatly an see how you like it you wont!" CHELLGADOS shooted a nother portal unner Ratmans feet an he was sucked into s space. "No dont you are my dotter Chell!" How many parents does she have anyways?! In case you forgot the real Chell has no parents because no parent would ever want to care for such a despicable monster as her. Ratman yelled as he got sucked in.
"OMG HOW?" CHELLGADOS an me said at the same time to gether. "It all storted a long time ago..." _Aw man, are gonna have to hear some old and boring story? Not interested, old guy_ Ratman gave us the down lo as he was just barely hanging on to the portal. "I used to work for Gabe Jonson affer he changed his name to Cave in onor of his dead brother. I think that's just the schizophrenia talking, Rat. Caroline was got shot as you no Marrissa an was put in a robot body that was called... GLaDOS!" That makes absolutely no sense but I don't care anymore! I'LL JUST GO WITH IT! CHELLGADOS o-mouthed at his shockin words. The absolute inaccuracy of this ludicrous story is rather shocking, isn't it? "Gabe new he wold have to dotters named Marrissa an Chell but since GLaDOS was a prototip she an Cave coldnt make baby normal way an instead used the artificial enseamanation an grew test toob babys. So you're not a real human then?! What? Of course I'm real… kind of. But there was a miksup an my dna got used instead of Gabes for one of the toobs that toob was... CHELL!" Funny how this story makes less sense than the real Rat's scribblings around my facility. Then Rutman coldnt hold on any longer an fell into space an died. I'll miss that dynamic and compelling character so much.
Then CHELLGADOS started shackin an looked funny. Chell was fightin back a gainst GLaDOSs control! _THAT'S RIGHT! FIGHT THE POWER!_ "Marrissa there is not much time left you must kill me to stopped GLaDOS once and four all!" Ooh, do I get killed off in this story! Sweet! I o-mouthed becos Chells brane damage was cured so now I coldnt put her out of MISERY lol. You… you horrible person. "But I cannt kill you Chell yur my sister But if we weren't related, then I'd kill you in a heartbeat! there must be a nother way! Chell got sad "Hurry GLaDOS is takin control!" An she started lollin with evil. If I had to pick between being in this story and being mind-controlled by GLaDOS… that'd be a pretty tough choice, actually. There was no way I cold kill Chell an then I rembered that GLaDOS used to be Carlion an that made me not want to kill herr neither. By all means get yourself killed then. You contribute absolutely nothing to the world and I would not want to meet my end at the hands of someone so idiotic and pathetic as you.
"Bloody hell Marrissa shes powerin up!" Wheatly screemed from inside my jump soot an I looked up an saw CHELLGADOS was floatin in air an electric stuff was comin out off her. "THANKS MARRISSA YUO REMINDED ME THAT I USED TO BE CARALIN SO I REMBERED THAT I HAVE POWERS TOO!" Clearly the author of this story spent many years studying the field of genetics. I haven't seen science this intricate and thought-out since the portal technology. Honest. I o-mouthed, that dumb ingineer forgot to make it so only I gotted the powers! I didant no what to do now an it seemed hope less when a herd a sound. You heard the sound of a herd? Are they coming to stampede on you?! Because that would be nice if they could just trample on you and this story would stop existing… "Hey b**** were heer for backup!" It was... ATLAS AN P-BODY! Oh joy, these two.
"OMG why are you jersk helpin me?" Seriously, why? You spend every other chapter as swearing coked up alcoholics. I asked while o-mouthin from the shock. "Becos CHELLGADOS is half yur sister an we dont lick you so we dont lick Chell neither!" So you're helping Marissa? What's the logic in this? Are you honestly still trying to find logic in this tangled mass of horrendous literature? Atlas eksplained. "An I rembered that you gave us the drugs an beer in the first place so if it wasnt for you we woldnt have drugs an beer!" I hope these robots get sick and DIE from alcohol poisoning. I'm all for that! P-Body added an Atlas nodded like yeah! We started ti fire are portal guns at CHELLGADOS an the portals combined to make a big portal black hole. SCIENCE! Do orange holes and blue holes really make black holes? As far as you know.
"OH SH**!" CHELLGADOS screamed as the GLaDOS parts were all sucked out off Chell. Because not even outer space wants to deal with a brain-damaged lunatic. Ones all of GLadOS was gone we closed the portal an Chell falled down on the ground. "Chell I safed you!" Ugh, just when I thought they'd finally killed me off… I rant to my sister an gave her hug. "Marrissa Im sorry, but the damaje from GLaDOS was to much..." An she dyed in my arms. So I'm no longer in the story? YES! "Nooooo Chell my sister you are died!" I cried soooo much an Whealty cried to becos they was frends Oh yes, the core who actively tried to kill me more than once is totally my BFF! even Atlas an P-Body looked kinna sad. You must have poor vision then because Orange and Blue are incapable of comprehending human emotions of that nature.
I put down Chells body an stand up when there was a clikclak nose be hind me. "LOL we tricked you to get yur guard down Marrissa! Now die b****!" An Atlas an P-Body lolled an shot me in head. _BANG! Just a little sound effect I made to give some REAL action to the story_ "Marrissa!" Wheatly screamed an ever thing got really black an I died. Joy! Sweet joy! I don't think I've ever felt so much joy at the death of a human being! You sure as hell seemed to enjoy trying to kill me… I haven't felt this much satisfaction since the time you almost choked on neurotoxin.
TO BE CONTINUED? Does the question mark indicate it won't be continued?
OH NO MARRISSA IS DIED! And for that I think now is a good time to celebrate with some cake. CAN WHEATLY SAFE HER? _That pansy? Hell no! But ol' Rick'll save the day!_ What? I'm not a pansy! Am I? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT ONE PS IM THINKIN OF MAYBE WRITIN A SPINNOFF A BOUT TEEN FORTRESS 2 AN GABE JONSON AN CARALION LIVIN IN PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL NO. No! Absolutely not. WHAT DO YOU GUYS THIN? _I think this story's a DRAG_
"So… is that Marissa lady dead?" Wheatley asked hopefully.
Chell almost couldn't believe it herself. But she'd read the atrocious text. As horrible and garbled as the spelling was, she could still clearly read "I died," spoken by the awful protagonist of that awful story. Chell had never felt so gleeful in her life. Well... setting foot out of Aperture felt really good but that was nothing compared to the death of Marissa Roberts!
"I think so," Chell answered with an exuberant smile on her face.
"OH YES!" Wheatley shouted with joy. "I've never felt this happy! Not since I fell off the management rail and realized that I didn't die!"
"Look at you two," GLaDOS remarked, "Callously celebrating the death of another human being. If it were anyone else, I'd be appalled. But I suppose a reaction from you two murderers is completely appropriate."
"Who cares?" Chell said excitedly. "Marissa is DEAD! Complete and totally DEAD! I swear I've never felt so-"
"I think you two are forgetting one crucial thing: we still have seven chapters left."
And with that one sentence all the joy and happiness Chell and Wheatley had previously possessed was sucked out in an instant. Doing that seemed to be GLaDOS' specialty.
A/N: Oh hey, this is still alive (ged it? cuz dere not DED!). As you may have noticed, this story hasn't updated in months! I'm sorry it took so long to update, but again, it's not a story I actively update and I wasn't having as much fun with the story as I was in earlier chapters. So I took a break (a long one at that…) to work on other things outside of fanfiction and now I'm back! I can't say when the next update is but I promise I will update!