Chapter 12: Paper Cut
JPOV
The rest of the week past, and I found myself falling into a routine by Saturday. This morning at eleven, Henry would come to visit. This would be my chance to apologize and make everything right with him.
I would still have to go to to therapy at eight. At 7:30, I got ready for the day and headed down to Mr. Hetzer's room when I only had five minutes to go until I had to be there.
I didn't think that I would like talking to a therapist, but Dr. Hetzer seemed too calm and natural to be a therapist. Him being calm made me calm, and it made me comfortable enough to talk freely and answer any questions he asked.
The door to his room was closed when I got there. I knocked softly twice, heard him tell me to come in, and opened the door. He was sitting in his chair with a notepad. He finished what he was writing and looked up. "Hey, Jasper," he said while flipping the notebook pages. "Just finished some stuff up." He gestured towards the leather sofa across from him. I went farther into the room and sat down.
"So, you're seeing Henry today," he said.
"Yeah," I replied.
"Are you still feeling guilty? Because it's not your fault, you know."
"I know, but I can't help it. I guess that I hate it when Henry takes all of the blame, so I end up blaming myself."
He nodded slowly and thought about what I said. "That makes sense." He was quiet for another moment that I didn't want to break. He looked like he was deep in thought, and I didn't want to disturb that. "Did you ever consider that it might be no one's fault?"
It was my turn to become silent with thoughts for a minute. It just seemed to me that someone had to take blame for something happening. Things happened because of what people do. I said that out loud to him.
"You're a very interesting person, Jasper," Dr. Hetzer mused, "and I've met quite a few interesting people. Your thoughts on life are different than what I've heard from others."
I wasn't sure if that was good or bad. Was my outlook on some things crazy? "Is that… good?"
"Yes, I would say so," he said. "It makes me rethink things. It's better that you're unique more than the same as everyone else."
"I wouldn't say that," I muttered.
"Why not?"
"Well, sometimes "different" and "unique" aren't exactly accepted by some people."
"Then maybe you don't know the right people." He smiled. I smiled back a little. "So how have you been feeling? Have you been hallucinating any more at all?" I had told him about me hallucinating Jonathan and what he did before, but I didn't go into detail. I had decided to just give him the basics to work with. I had also told him my theory of how I saw him: within frustration and anger.
"I'm fine," I said. "I haven't really been mad or frustrated, so he hasn't been back. Only the first day here."
"That's good to hear," he said. "I know it must be hard to see him, especially when you're stressed and angry." I nodded. People say that they know it must be hard for me, but they don't really know because they never experienced it themselves. They could try to imagine it, but they couldn't like I did. I didn't want them to know how it feels. I didn't want them to try. No one deserved to feel anything that I've felt.
"Do you think that you can tell me more about the first time you saw him?" I had said that I saw him for the first time in the restroom, then I thought I saw him that night, and then he kept popping up in school the next day. I didn't elaborate further than that. "How did you react?"
"I was surprised and scared," I said, "because I thought that he was real. I was confused as to how he got out of prison. I thought he was going to kill me. I worried for my sister, Rosalie. I don't know where she is right now. We've lost touch over the years." I sighed and dug into my memory more. "He did nothing but stare at me. I asked him why he was there with me, and he said that he wasn't there. That confused me. Then I closed my eyes, opened them, and he was gone."
Dr. Hetzer nodded. "And what about the other times that day?"
"I was in my room struggling with some homework," I recalled. "I only saw him in the mirror for a second. I thought it was a trick of the light, or stress, or lack of sleep. The next day, I tried to ignore him, but he just kept showing up. I told Henry about it that night, because I knew that he wouldn't go away if I just kept ignoring him." Dr. Hetzer nodded in agreement. "Henry did the right thing by sending me here. I can't get rid of him by myself."
"It's good that you're open to getting help. Some kids your age don't embrace help when they come here, and it takes longer to get through to them." He glanced at the clock. "Well, we're done for today. Good luck with Henry, and I'll see ya later."
He got up with me and went with me to the door. I walked down the hall as he smiled in departure. I still had a couple hours to spare, so I decided to get some breakfast and then maybe go back to my room.
When I got to the cafeteria, I got an apple and went over to the back table. I bit and chewed slowly to take up time. I was about to zone out when the chair next to me moved. I refocused to see Alice sitting beside me.
"You looked lonely," she said. "I thought I'd sit by you, if you want."
"Uh…" No one has offered to sit beside me before just because I looked lonely. "Yeah. Sure."
She peeled back the peel on her banana. "So are you doing anything special today?"
"I'm seeing Henry at eleven. What about you?"
Her face fell. "No. I don't think my parents are coming today." I felt bad for her and stupid for making her so sad. "Maybe they'll come next weekend," she said optimistically and tried to smile. I think she knew that it wasn't very convincing.
"Are they that mad about what you can do?"
"They didn't even tell my best friends what really happened." She paused, like she was debating on telling me something. "I had another vision."
"When?"
"Wednesday, after the group meeting."
She looked upset, so I didn't want to push her into saying anything she wasn't ready to say. "Are you okay?"
She was silent. "I don't know," she answered, shaking her head and blinking back tears. "In the vision, my friends were talking to my sister."
"Cynthia," I recalled. She nodded and tried to smile again, maybe a little pleased that I remembered. She had only mentioned the name once, so I was surprised that I remembered myself.
"Yeah, Cynthia. My friends were wondering where I was. They said that they called my house, but my parents answered the phone and said that I was sick. They didn't want the truth out. They wouldn't even tell my best friends what was going on. So they went to Cynthia and asked what was really going on. She said that I was here, and probably told them everything. They probably think I'm a freak now." She blinked more rapidly to stop the tears. "I don't want to lose my friends, too."
"How can you be sure about how they'll react?" I asked. "Aren't they understanding?"
"Yeah, they are," Alice said, "but I just can't help it. I'm afraid that they won't be able to understand this time. I'm afraid that they'll act like my parents did. I don't think I could take it."
"I think that they'll understand. If they're good friends, they'll stick by you." I hoped that I was right for her sake. She didn't look like she would be able to handle anyone else abandoning her.
"I hope you're right," she said. She took a bite of her banana. We both ate in silence for awhile. It looked like she was thinking because there was a crease between her eyebrows as she ate with care.
"You never did talk about friends Wednesday," Alice said suddenly.
"No," I replied. "Because I really don't have any. You can say that I'm socially awkward."
She laughed. "You seem shy, but not quite awkward," she disagreed. "If people reached out, I think you could make some friends."
"Well, that's the problem. No one reached out."
"That's awful," Alice said. "Why not?"
"I don't know," I said truthfully, "but I'm fine with it."
"Really?" It looked like she was trying to imagine not having any friends. It was almost funny watching her think about it.
"Yeah, really."
"Don't you get lonely?"
"Sometimes."
"I don't think I could stand it," she said, shaking her head. "I'm around people all the time, and it would be a weird change for me."
"I guess I've learned to live with it," I said with a shrug.
"No one should have to do that," she murmured. I took another bite of my apple, and we took that opportunity to eat some more in silence. She stole some glances at me when she thought I wasn't looking. Maybe she was regretting talking to me at all because she thought I was some outcast. Maybe she was sitting with me out of pity.
"You don't have to be here if you don't want to," I mumbled. She looked up at me and swallowed.
"What made you think that I didn't want to be here?" I shrugged. "I do want to be here. Really. You're… easy to talk to, I guess. You seem like a good guy."
"Thanks," I said. I hoped that she was telling the truth and not just saying that to make me feel better.
"I mean that, you know," Alice said. "About you being a good guy and all."
I nodded. "Yeah." I didn't know that my doubt was so easy to read on my face.
"You're a good listener, too," Alice continued. I didn't know why she was complimenting me so much. I also didn't know that I was a good listener. That was a nice thing to know about myself, I guess.
We lapsed into silence again. Alice finished her banana and folded the peel up on the table. I watched her play around with it as I ate my apple. I glanced at the clock to see that I had plenty of time left.
"Have somewhere to be before you see Henry?" Alice asked.
"No," I said. "You?"
"Had my therapy this morning," she said while rolling her eyes.
"Who do you talk to?"
"Mrs. Stevens. Do you have her?"
"No, I have Dr. Hetzer. Is Mrs. Stevens bad?"
She sighed. "It's probably just me." She shrugged. "I was curious about what got her started with being a therapist. She said it was because she liked kids and she didn't want to be a teacher. I would just think that she would have went through something that would have made her want to do it, like she knew someone that needed therapy or something. I'm probably just being stupid, though."
"What you're thinking makes sense," I said. "I would expect them to go through something, too. It makes me wonder if Dr. Hetzer went through something or wanted to be a therapist for the same reason yours did." I might ask him next time I go, because I was truly curious, now that Alice mentioned it. "You're not being stupid."
She smiled. "Thanks," she said. "It's nice to talk to someone who gets this stuff, ya know?"
"Yeah," I answered. "Although it's nice to talk to someone in general. Good change for me."
She frowned. "I wish it wasn't a change," she said.
"Don't worry about it so much," I urged.
"Sorry," she said with a little laugh. "I'll try not to. I guess it's getting a little annoying, huh?"
"No, it's not really annoying. I just don't want to make you think on it too much."
"Okay." She turned enough in her chair to look at the clock. "You only have ten minutes, and I don't want to make Henry wait for you."
I looked at the clock. She was right. "Okay. Thanks for sitting with me."
"You're welcome," she said with a smile. I went over to the trash can, threw away what remained of my apple, and left the cafeteria to head for the common room.
When I got there, I had to look for Henry amongst all of the other visitors and patients. I spotted him at a table in the center back of the room. He didn't see me yet; he was staring at the table. He looked nervous. I weaved my way through the tables and took a seat beside him once I got to his table.
He finally noticed me and looked up from the table. "Dr. Hetzer said that you weren't mad at me," Henry stated. He tried to be nonchalant about it, but I could tell that he was desperate for the therapist's word to be true.
"I'm not," I said calmly in an effort to ease his nerves. "Really, I'm fine. When I woke up the next day, I completely understood what you were doing for me. I'm only angry with myself for acting that way and not hearing you out. I'm truly sorry."
He stared at me for a moment. "You seem much older than just seventeen with the way you're handling this," Henry said. "With the way you handle most things, actually. You're strong, Jasper."
"He's wrong. You're weak."
I stiffened. Jonathan was standing behind Henry's chair, leering at me. I looked away from him and focused on Henry. "Thanks," I managed to say coolly enough to satisfy Henry.
"You know you're weak, too," Jonathan said. "You know that he's wrong."
I tried to tune him out. "So how's it goin' here?" Henry asked.
"Pretty good," I answered. "My therapist is nice. He doesn't push me to do anything or say anything I'm not ready for." Even if it was actually bad here, I would have probably lied or left out the bad qualities so Henry wouldn't feel guilty for sending me to a place I don't like.
"That's good," he said. "Meet any new people?"
"Yeah. I talked to this one girl. She's nice."
"That's good." He looked down at the table and then back at me. "So… do you think you're… getting better? Or that you will?"
"I think it's too early to tell, but I haven't seen him since the time I told you about it," I lied.
Laughter erupted from Jonathan. "Trying not to make him worry? Trying to spare his feelings? That didn't happen when he brought you here without even telling you. He went behind your back to put you away! He didn't want to deal with you!"
I knew what he was trying to do; he was trying to get me mad and to yell at him and plant thoughts into my head about Henry that weren't true to get me mad at Henry, too. I wanted to tell him that, and that it wouldn't work, but I couldn't while in public. I would have to wait until Henry left to go back to my room and deal with him. I wouldn't ignore him forever. I couldn't.
I asked about the shop, and he told me about a new project he was working on. I listened and nodded along while trying my best to block Jonathan out. It wasn't easy hearing Henry with Jonathan cutting in, but I managed to get through a conversation with him.
Soon, we ran out of things to say, and Henry was going to go. He wasn't sure if he should, but I assured him that it was fine. He asked if he could come back tomorrow around noon, and I said that would be alright. He gave me an awkward one-armed hug and left.
When he was gone, I left the common room and hurried to my room. "Running away?" Jonathan taunted. "Surprising." I walked faster.
Once I was in my room, I slammed the door and spun around. I didn't wait for him to come in after me, but I knew that he would be behind me anyway. Now that I was facing him, I didn't know how I was going to go about this. I decided to bring up what he said about me earlier.
"I am not weak," I said sternly. I would try my best to be the strongest as long as I could.
"And what makes you say that?"
"I'm talking to you instead of running from you."
"That doesn't show strength, stupid boy."
"How would you know about strength?"
"I was strong enough to kill your parents, now wasn't I?"
"That doesn't prove anything." I was getting angrier, but I tried to keep calm and not give into him. He wouldn't win this one.
"I think you're wrong there, kid," he said with a smug smile. My anger must have been showing.
"Well, that's what you think."
"Yeah, it is. You know nothing about strength. You're just a kid who thinks life is so unfair, like all the rest. None of you are different. You're all just stupid kids."
"I'm not stupid," I growled. His arrogant grin grew wider. He knew that he was getting to me.
"You are," he said. He started to pace in a close circle around me, always close to my face to seem intimidating. I tried to show him that it didn't bother me, but my lie probably wasn't very convincing on my face. "You're dumb and weak. You weren't smart or strong enough to save them."
"I was just a kid-"
"Like you are now! You can't fool me. I'm in your head. I know you."
"You know nothing about me!"
"I know what happened after I killed your pathetic parents. You moved from place to place, with no one to love you. So tragic. You always though your sister would be there for you, but where is she now?" He stopped his pacing and stood in front of me. "You don't know. And now you're alone."
"Shut up!" I lunged at him, but met empty air. He had disappeared yet again. I stood still and waited for any sound. Nothing could be heard but my slightly labored breaths and the pounding in my ears.
I went over and collapsed onto my bed. I couldn't close my eyes for fear that he would show up again. I would probably just stay in my room for the rest of the day and do nothing so Jonathan wouldn't have a reason to come back.
His words were a whirlwind in my head. You're dumb and weak. You weren't smart or strong enough to save them. He couldn't blame me for that! I was just a scared little kid! Like you are now. No. What he did matured me beyond my age. I wasn't just a kid anymore.
I hated to admit it to myself, but he was right about one thing: I was alone.
INTENSEEEEE. And a lil' bit longer, which pleases me, and hopefully you. Speaking of you people…
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