Lacey sat propped up against the headboard on her bed with a textbook in her lap. She was studying relentlessly for a AP chemistry exam that she had at the end of the week. One that she was more than a little unprepared for. Her and Danny's study sessions had been sporadic, and no where near as prevalent as they had been in the past. If she was being truthful, she would have liked to spend more time studying with him, but more and more he either didn't want to or wouldn't make the time. Studying was a state of existence that she felt the most readily at ease with him. With textbooks, pens and the booth table at Johnny Cake's to separate them; it was a structural format that she could readily compartmentalize and deal with. It was a reality that helped her see and enjoy him, but also linked their dealings to something educational and purposeful. It was a necessary boundary. One that wasn't akin to sleeping in each other's arms in the backseat of a car.
She had tried a few times, to bring up his lack of direction and invisible plans post graduation to him, which was always met with the usual reaction. He still wouldn't allow her any leeway in that area. He still had no other answer for her regarding his future then the first time she had brought it up. It was jarring to her that he was so steadfast in his almost literal refusal to discuss it. Time and time again, she had tried to even gently suggest ideas to him, to which he'd change the subject or pointedly talk about not wanting to talk discuss it. Each time this would occur, she would be reminded of the very first time she had tried to bring it up and the stark realization that had washed over her, as the reasoning for his indifference lay in the depths of her own being. She felt the responsibility and the weight of that like a heavy anchor, one that she wanted to absolve herself of, but also revel in being that crucial to him. She had told herself that she couldn't and wouldn't be deterred, that California was where she was meant to go and that the doubt and uncertainty she felt was solely because of how enmeshed they were. Maybe distance was the only thing to successfully halt that fact. That thought alone made the reality all the more agonizing and perplexing.
She tried not to dwell on it too long, for fear of cataclysmic consequences.
Her concentration, or rather lack thereof, was halted when she heard a peculiar sound coming from her window. She straightened abruptly, feeling her chest tighten and her heart race, she closed her book and grasped it tightly in her hands in a split second, thinking that would have to make due as a weapon for protection against whoever was making noise on the outside of her window. She saw Danny's long, free flowing hair appear in the window and then his steady gaze a moment later. She felt herself both relax and become more concerned upon realizing it was only him. She cast him a pointed, exasperated look as she tucked her legs underneath herself and allowed her grip on her textbook to loosen. Danny opened the cracked window all the way so that he could easily slide through it into her room. Lacey audibly huffed and gave him an aporetic glare once he had fully entered.
"What the hell, Danny?" Lacey sighed with aggravation. "I almost threw my textbook at you."
"I would have ducked," Danny replied, with a small chuckle.
Lacey saw his eyes looking around her room inquisitively. She realized in that moment, why she had been so surprised to see him coming thru her window when the initial shock of his presence had subsided. He hadn't been in her room in quite some time. In fact, the last time she remembered him climbing the drain pipe on the side of the house was almost two years ago. Immediately following their breakup, he had made that trek about two times, which had resulted in a massive fight on one occasion and a tearfully profound make out on the other. Since then, he'd steered clear of her bedroom window, and had only been to her house sparingly, when Jo or someone else was present.
"Your room is different," Danny noted aloud as his eyes fell over the various changes she had made to her space since the last time he had been there. She saw his gaze stop directly on the acceptance letter she had gotten from UC Berkley that was displayed in the corner of her cork board.
"Yeah, some things are just phases." Lacey said willfully, putting proper emphasis on her words. Still a bit shocked and astonished that he was actually standing in her room. She half expected him to make some comment about her displayed acceptance letter, but he didn't. He kept his mouth shut and turned to face her once his brief exploration had ceased.
"And some things are unending." He countered loosely.
"Why are you here?" Lacey questioned, as she eyed him suspiciously. She suddenly became increasingly aware of how late it was and how potentially incomprehensible this interaction had the possibility of becoming.
"I need to talk to you about something." Danny responded thoughtfully.
"Something that couldn't wait until I saw you at school tomorrow, or that you couldn't just text me about?" Lacey prodded with skepticism. She suddenly wondered if something was seriously wrong, but he didn't seem terribly anxious or on edge or impatiently teetering on some unknown emotional precipice. He actually seemed rather calm and relaxed and not at all perturbed by whatever it was he had to say.
"No, it had to be in person, and it could've waited but I didn't want to," Danny said easily.
Lacey watched him as his eyes swept over her quickly. She shifted on the bed under his gaze and thought to attempt to look elsewhere but couldn't. The energy in the room wasn't necessarily uncomfortably frantic or incessant, even with his unannounced visit, but there was a certain conductivity that belied the moment. Even before whatever words he spoke sprang forth from his mouth.
She was rapidly aware of the reasons why her bedroom had since ceased being an appropriate realm for their interactions to take place.
"Alright so tell me," Lacey exclaimed as she studied him, watching the way he wavered on both of his feet, wondering if he'd close the little bit of space that separated himself from her bed. She finally relented and instructed him to move closer. "Just sit."
Danny sat on the bed, leaving a good amount of space between them. Lacey noted how far away he placed himself in relation to her own body and was silently thankful, as she unconsciously untucked one of her legs. She hoped that this encounter would be one without grand exhibition or lofty unmanageable immediacy. Although somewhere deep down inside she figured that was merely wishful thinking.
"Don't be upset," Danny muttered lightly under his breath.
Lacey saw his long fingers fiddle a stray piece of thread on her comforter. She instantly felt her stomach drop at his words. Clearly whatever was going to come out of his mouth next, had the ability to shake or rattle her. The sinking feeling that localized in her stomach spread throughout her body as the disclaimer that he uttered settled in her ears. She suddenly felt certain that she didn't want to have this conversation.
"Whatever it is, just say it." Lacey instructed, trying to infuse as much steadiness into her voice as possible.
"Amelia asked me to senior ball." Danny said gently. The expression on his face was virtually indistinguishable.
As soon as he had said her name, Lacey's heart dropped. When he had gotten out the entirety of his sentence, she felt all to familiar pin pricks of jealousy coat her skin like irritating jabs. Her breath got caught in her throat as she tore her eyes off of him, and tried desperately to reign in the visible reaction that she had already involuntarily given him.
"Did you say yes?" Lacey questioned directly, without looking at him.
Her heart was beating too fast and she was somehow suddenly keenly aware of his presence, and her need to substantiate it. The subject matter itself was borderline sickening. She quickly reminded herself that this was the place that she had so desperately tried to convince him that they belonged in. This area of friendship that involved them being involved with other people. This expanse where these conversations happened with fluidity and tranquility. She realized with great certainty that she was no where near that space herself. Even after always perpetually blaming him for his own inability to allow that existence, which forced herself to swallow her own enormous possessiveness towards him.
"I didn't say anything," Danny responded, his voice a calm respite to her internal whirlwind of negativity.
"Do you want to go with her?" Lacey asked, her voice slight and not at all even. She met his eyes briefly but couldn't hold them without feeling this overwhelming urge to showcase her sadness and growing desperation.
"I want to go with you." Danny said evenly. The hand that had been handling the lose thread on her comforter came dangerously close to her bare ankle. She felt the exquisite heat radiate from his fingers, and she had to physically prevent herself from angling her foot closer to it.
"Don't say that," Lacey muttered under her breath, her windpipe felt like it was constricting, and she had this decisive inclination to simultaneously hold him and hit him for uttering that line.
"Why?" Danny pondered aloud. "It's the truth."
"It's hard for us to deal in truths." Lacey said dejectedly. "Are you going to go with her?"
"I don't know." Danny answered honestly.
"Why did you come here at this time of night to tell me that?" Lacey exclaimed, feeling both rattled and upset. "Do you want my blessing or something?"
"I don't know," Danny offered again. "Could you give it? Because you know I couldn't give you mine."
Lacey suddenly was bombarded with images of what that would be like. Going to senior ball, the last big dance of her high school career and seeing him there with some other girl. No matter how much she professed to the fact that they both needed to move on from one another. The thought of what that night would be like felt undecipherable and painful to even entertain in her subconscious for more than a few seconds. The dances that fell during the last two years of their breakup were either not attended by him when she had a date, or attended in their close knit group when no one really did.
"I don't know," Lacey said truthfully, adopting his own words. She sometimes tried to act like she had all the answers to their emphatically complicated relationship, but knew that sometimes the reasons existed outside of herself. "I want you to be happy. Does she make you happy?"
Lacey wondered those words aloud, almost not meaning to ask him that question, but it fell out of her mouth accidentally. Her eyes slightly widened as she realized that she had actually said it. She saw Danny's expression change and his eyebrows furrowed and his head shook just barely. Whatever sense of relief she felt in that moment, she knew she had no right or honest claim to. She was supposed to be pushing him in the opposite direction. The more their convoluted relationship dangled delicately in the magnetic space which it incessantly dwelled, the more she doubted what she was doing.
"No," Danny added a verbal affirmation to her question.
Danny's fingers softly grazed and then tentatively wrapped around her ankle. Lacey didn't have the ability to form a verbal protest, so she simply allowed herself to get swept up in the literal spark his touch had generated, which proceeded to ascend the length of her leg. Before she knew what was what, she felt him tightening his grip on her ankle and pulling her entire body across the bed and closer to him.
Lacey felt her heart pounding as she hadn't cognitively realized when the energy in the room had shifted, though instinctually she felt it in her bones. But then again, it was always like that, their generated power always swung on a pendulum freely and sometimes transformed quickly and without proper warning. She felt herself practically melt into the feel of him as his tangible qualities harnessed her. She knew she only had a fraction of a second to disengage what was impending before it started to unravel too rapidly, but she couldn't locate the switch in her body to properly halt what was steadily progressing.
Danny had pulled her fully into him and Lacey couldn't differentiate from his magnanimous, overpowering eyes and meticulous touch enough to stop herself from reaching out to him. She ran her hands up his arms slowly, stunned by the capacity that his gaze held for asking and answering wordless questions.
"Don't go with her," Lacey whispered, finding it strange that in her current position, his earlier words about the other girl still lingered.
"Okay." Danny offered without hesitation or recourse, as if any other option wouldn't have made any sense.
One of Danny's hand spanned the length of the outside of her leg before resting on her hip, while the other one grasped her own hand on his arm. His fingers intertwined the back of hers as she took a deep breath and steeped in the sheer palpability of their exchange. Lacey felt herself not even actively attempting to stop herself or him, she just kept spiraling deeper into his physical form. Danny's hand left her hip to reach up and softly skim the side of her face.
"Come back to me," Danny said lowly. Lacey felt her stomach do a full flip at his words, it took her a moment to find her voice to respond.
"I can't," Lacey protested weakly, all the while physically edging herself closer to him.
"You can, you just won't," Danny reasoned evenly. "You just refuse."
Lacey didn't have a sufficient retort for those words, she also didn't want to withdraw herself from their current entanglement, even though she knew that she should. She was finding it increasingly challenging to maintain his blazing eye contact. Sometimes she felt like he looked at her as if her first name was forever. Before she could decipher the action, he closed the space in between their mouths as he captured her lips with his.
Every single one of Lacey's senses stood on its end, as his lips gently hesitated against hers, staying slight and not applying enough pressure. She brought her hands up on either side of his face and angled herself deeper against his mouth. Lacey sighed as she felt his lips prod hers slowly, taking his time tasting her mouth with deliberative, pristine movements. Lacey's hands shifted onto his neck and under the backside of his hair, her fingers languishing in the soft, long locks. She secured her arms around his neck and deepened the slow and tortuous pace he seemed so keen on staying at. His tongue slipped between her lips expertly, as she clutched at his shoulders and brought him closer. Lacey fell backwards, which brought him toppling onto her, their mouths never disconnecting.
Lacey's first thought when his body landed on top of hers was that she missed the weight of him. The feeling of his body pressed so deliciously and precisely into hers. She missed the all encompassing and finite way his body sunk into hers. How they melded and bended effortlessly and without even trying to. How the give and take of their bodies naturally filled the spaces and voids that the other had. She missed him on purpose. Missed how he made her feel, missed how much she came alive underneath his hands.
Even when it terrified her.
The second thing that was emboldening Lacey's actions in that moment as Danny lay on top of her was the name he had mentioned. She was thinking about how she never wanted to imagine anyone else in that position, anyone else below him; the weight of him permeating any other body that wasn't hers. Just hearing that Amelia had asked him to go to senior ball with her sent her mind into a literal downward spiral. Her mind suddenly went blank as his mouth oscillated deliciously against her own, and her breath was being legitimately taken away as she relished their own marvelous design. The final thing that began ticking against her skull was how she felt certain she wasn't going to stop him at all. This was going to keep unraveling until there was nothing there but her and him and their shuddering breath. She felt his strong capable hands against her bare waist, as her t-shirt rode up.
She briefly wondered if they could feasibly keep this up until she left for college. But even that seemed unmanageable. None of their options ever seemed properly sufficient.
Danny pulled his mouth from hers and trailed kisses down her chin and across her jaw as Lacey took a much needed breath, she felt her chest heaving against his for want of both air and what was so exquisitely restricting it.
"I miss you," Danny mumbled against her skin, between his mouth performing its grand display of just how much he meant those words. "I miss you so much."
She couldn't find her voice box to properly return his proclamation with her own. Though she very much shared that same sentiment. Sometimes she missed him so much that she had to remove herself from his presence or his company, because she couldn't exist with him the way she so ardently wanted to. She was always failing so miserably when it came to him and her, after months of fake progress, and this was further evidence that their situation was a dire and unrestricted one.
"Are you and I ever going to end?" Lacey mumbled, halfway pleading. She stifled a moan as he ran his teeth against her collarbone.
"It's unlikely." Danny said brazenly as his mouth latched onto the most sensitive part of her throat.
Lacey felt a distinct and familiar jolt between her legs, as she bore her hips down into the bed and squeezed her thighs tightly together. The boy shorts that she wore underneath her long oversized t-shirt were on full display, and the way his hands were caressing and spanning her stomach and waist was winding her further up as she used her hands to usher his face back towards her own. She kissed him with a vigor and intent that was unparalleled, it was as if she couldn't get enough of the way he tasted and his body and the gloriously familiar smell that rolled off him along with his movements. He smelled like sandalwood and warmth and so diabolically male, it was intoxicating. Sometimes she would notice his scent in the most ordinary and innocent circumstances and find her mind start to jump and wander. There was rarely any safe space for her thoughts of him. Things turned desperate and downright debilitating more than she would like, or care to admit.
Lacey sucked his bottom lip in her mouth and heard him groan. She reached her hand between their bodies and palmed his growing hard-on thru his jeans, causing his hips to roll against her hand. After a few more moments of this, she felt him remove her hand and then proceed to grasp both of her wrists with his fingers while applying gentle pressure to her pulse points. He then took her arms and pinned them above her head. Her eyes were a bright shining blaze of wonder and excitement and a little bit of confusion as he broke their heightened and tumultuous kiss.
"Just you," Danny said breathlessly, holding her wrists firmly with one hand and letting the other roam down her legs and in between her thighs, both eliciting goosebumps and setting her skin on fire wherever his fingers touched. "Let me just focus on you."
Lacey could feel her already raggedy breath ricochet improperly in her lungs. Her hips lurched forward and a whimper escaped her parted lips when his hand fastened firmly against her center. The way he was handling her was so invigorating; she felt her wetness gather and span at the crotch of her underwear. She felt him grip the top of her boy shorts and slide them over her hips and down her legs, all the while not letting go of her wrists. His two fingers came back toward her center and ran over the slick folds of her sex and slowly teased her opening. Lacey felt a moan form in the back of her throat and she tried to suppress it but it left her lips with the next unexpected movement of his fingers, which focused on her sensitive nub.
"Shhhh," Danny said gruffly, his vocal chords laden with his own arousal and even a hint of desperation. "You have to be quiet. You'll wake your mom and Clara."
Lacey felt her hips buck further into his hand when he mentioned those two people. She prayed and hoped against all hope that they were both fast asleep and didn't plan any unexpected, unannounced visits into her room. She bit her lip to try to withhold another moan that was threatening to spill out and fill the room. Lacey felt her bodies hyperactive response to his ministrations increase and before she could say anything, his mouth covered her own and he swallowed the entirety of her withheld moan. He kissed her with a painstakingly thorough exactitude. She suddenly had an overpowering urge to touch him that she couldn't satiate because of how he was holding her wrists. She felt his fingers quicken their pace over her wet core. A minute later two of his long fingers entered her slowly, and his mouth left hers as his eyes caught her gaze and she felt herself on the edge of the culmination of her own pleasure and desire.
"Oh my God," Lacey gasped, she felt her jaw clench and her muscles in her lower body start to activate as the sensation became borderline overwhelming. "Shit."
Lacey wanted so desperately to keep looking at his face but felt like she needed to close her eyes. Everything was starting to spin and her muscles were constraining and firing off. She felt like her climax was right on the other side of the next couple of seconds. All the tall tell signs were right there. She squeezed her eyes shut and concentrated on the feeling that was building and building in the pit of her stomach and between her legs. Right as the crippling bliss began to rumble, she felt herself gasp and her eyes shot open.
Lacey sat upright in her bed, her covers strewn every which way, and her body with a light sheen of sweat coating it. Her heart was racing and her mind a big jumbled mess as her eyes felt heavy with sleep, and she frantically looked around her suddenly pitch black room for Danny, but he wasn't there. Her focus immediately went to her window which was securely closed and locked.
Lacey was chock full of complete disbelief as she fell back onto her bed, trying to regulate her breath and slow her churning heartbeat. She couldn't believe that had been a dream. She refused to believe it, when her entire body was reacting like Danny had been touching and kissing her. She was literally throbbing and aching between her legs. She was so discombobulated and confused as she looked around her room once more.
She was alone, she had been alone the entire time and everything that had just taken place was an elaborate figment of her imagination. She'd never heard of 18 year old girls having anything akin to a wet dream, but that was definitely what she would have described that experience as. Both supremely frustrated and wound up, she put her hands over her face, sunk into her bed and tried not to revisit the images still swimming in her head, and the sensations that accompanied them.