Hey Guys! I have returned finally for the last chapter of this story (to be continued in another fanfic about the second volume of Spider-Gwen. This is where the First volume ends.) I bought a Spider-Gwen hoodie yesterday and decided I was in the mood, so… Away We go!-
I sigh internally. Will my life ever make any sense? I doubt it. I've fought crazy old dudes dressed as gross old birds, interdimensional vampires tracking down spiders (the opposite of any sane person. It did end poorly in their case…Lesson: Leave Spiders Alone). None of that scares me, not even dying. No, I'm most afraid of losing those I love.
"The Black Cats? Is that supposed to be her new band?" Glory asks us, pointing at an ad for the upcoming show for Felicia and The Black Cats. "What Instrument does she play, air guitar?"
I snap back to the present. I am back with my band, The Mary Janes, for the first time since I quit/got kicked out. It feels good to be hanging/playing with them again.
"Yes, Glory. Felicia has finally assumed her ultimate form." Em Jay intones, a serious look on her face. "The great devourer is here to consume the world of art. Pro tip: don't take it personally."
"Right, like I believe for one second that you're really ok with this, Em Jay. That 'Innocent' little Pop-Tart used to act like sharing a stage with us was visiting a leper colony." Glory retorts.
"Yeah, remember when she strangled you with that mic cord? That was kinda awesome." Betty drifts off.
"Face it - Felicia didn't give us this gig because her opening act canceled," Glory said, returning conversation to problem at hand. "She's not paying anything forward. We're here so she can spike her heels into into ur skulls on the climb to stardom. She's LAUGHING at us, Em Jay!"
"Enough, Okay?! Just ENOUGH! You really think I'm so daft that I need you to explain that all that to me over and over?!" Em Jay yelled to us. "Yes, Felicia Hardy is and always has been a soulless Hack with a voice like the devil auto tuning farts. But she is also one thing we cannot deny. A Success."
I consider what Em Jay said. Who on Earth outside of Britain uses the word daft? Unless you have a thing for Men in Robot Helmets, of course.
"The kind that doesn't think ramen is a food group. Or wear a cat on her head because she can't afford a new winter hat," Em Jay continues. Of course Ramen isn't a food group, I think. Corn Dogs are though.
"This isn't about fame or money. This isn't about "selling out". It's about survival, ladies. The fleeting chance to keep doing what we love is what here in our hands," Em Jay continues. "So, no, I don't care why she really wants us here. All I know is that she's giving us an inch, and we're gonna take a mile."
I think about what Em Jay said to us all the way up to our pre-performance warm up. (I've been trying to listen to my friends more attentively recently. It's all part of my plan: Gwen Needs Friends Again: How To In Ten Easy Steps. Soon to become a Major Motion Picture!) I haven't worried about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life a whole lot. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Put being Spider-Woman on hold while I study at Yale to become a Lawyer? That's not going to work (I don't even know if yale is the place to go to become a lawyer). But, at the same time, it's always been a nagging little thought. I need to support myself. I can't just be that 30 year old loser who still lives in her parents basement (Heck, I don't think that my dad would even let me stay in the basement). What can I do? My new, SUPER NOT-FRIENDLESS improved self reflects on this, VERY philosophically (Music can that do you).
I hear a rustling and quit my philosophifying to switch to Spider-Sense. But as I look around, I don't see anyone. Huh. I guess it was nothing, I think, and return to philosophifying up until we go up on stage to open.
I start the beat for "Face It Tiger", and we start the song. We rock it (of course we do; it's our signature tune). We're halfway through when suddenly our lights and sound cut and a weirdo in a cat costume (no not more animal obsessed creeps not again not again notagainnotagainNOTAGAIN) jumps down in front of us.
"Felicia," Em Jay growls at the Cat (Oh. It's Felicia in a costume. Whew. Dodged that bullet).
"Jane," Felicia growls (or purrs in a menacing way, I guess? Since she's a cat?) right back.
"Growl," Glory growls, not wanting to be left out.
"Bonjour New York!" Felicia yells at the crowd. "I am Felicia Hardy!" Well duh, crazy cat lady. They know that. That's why they're here yo.
"Wow, She's got everything," Betty whispers to us sarcastically. "She even lives in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon."
"And these are my BLACK CATS!" Felicia yells again, trying to beat out that Megaphone Kid I rescued last week for "Most Annoying Loud Yelling Near Gwen Stacy" Award.
"Whoa," Betty whispers next to me. " This is unbelievable."
"Yeah…. Too good…. " I whisper back (No, I was not paying a lot of attention. I was in suspicious shock, ok? Calmeth man).
"We are so touched that we could be here with you tonight. With you, our friends, our family," Felicia continued in front of us, waving a sheet of paper around for...emphasis, I guess? "Our lovers, our haters, tonight we are here together. All of us gathered, knowing that this moment-that ANY moment-could be our last. And yet…. Still we DANCE!" Felicia then lights her piece of paper on fire, for probably no other reason than to go totally pyro on us sane people.
GAH! My Spider-Sense is going crazy suddenly. I look out into the crowd for what on earth could send off such an alarm at such a strength. I scan the crowd and find nothing until I lock eyes (well, kinda) with a man in a business suit with red sunglasses. With a reflection of Felicia's fire in his sunglasses. No wonder my Spider-Sense is going off. This guy is CLEARLY evil. He's radiating waves of jerkitude.
Just as I start to recognize the guy (he looks like Matt Murdock, the blind laywer), honest to goodness NINJAS (or maybe they were just really skilled parkour artists dressed AS ninjas...which are basically still ninjas. Whatever) drop from the rafters. In the ensuing panic, I lose sight of Death Flames Guy. Felicia says something about ninjas in French; probably swearing.
The ninjas decide to try and mess with us a little and throw stars every which way. Em Jay throws up a guitar to catch the ones heading towards her and Glory, while I dive to push Betty and myself to the floor before the stars headed our way hit.
"GWEN! What was-?!" Betty yelled in my face. "That?" I finished for her. " Oh, That was just a live performance of Ninjas vs Kittens. Because why the &%* not?!" In that exact moment, I arrive at the conclusion to my previous query: My life is NEVER going to make sense.
"But Gwen, I don't- What do we do-?" Betty asks me. Well, the simple true answer is that I need y'all to leave so I can go superheroing, but-
"You run and don't look back. I'll be right behind you with the rest of the band." I tell her as she leaves. Now I can go get into my costume.
As I head back towards the stage, I hear Felicia and The Devil Wears Gucci having a conversation in French. Felicia seems more chilled and a cool cat (wah wah) with her responses, but The Devil May Wear is really heatedly throwing his retorts (wey hey, I'll be here all week) her way. Man, I should have taken that French Class back at Midtown… Well, better show 'em who owns the Louisiana Purchase.
"All right. Enough International Pinky Finger Cabaret for one Day," I yell at them, swinging onto the stage. "IT'S BIG AMERICAN CHEESEBURGER TIME!" I enter the fray, kicking a couple of ninja dudes and land in front of I Share A Name With Cinderella's Cat.
"Spider-Woman." I can see my reflection in the dude's glasses as he says it. Frekay.
"That's Me. And you-you are either a ninja death circe, or the coolest tech firm ever." My clever jokes go right over the heads of the ninjas closest to me, and rush me for an attack. But they ain't got nothing on me. "Pajama Day erry D #* day yo!" I continue to make the funny, but the parkinjas just aren't getting it. Their Loss.
"I tell ya, Ms. Hardy, I thought my life was weird lately. But: theme park mascots plaing keytaurs, ninjas and blind lawyers. Your life is on mime short of being a Bjőrk video." But she leaves too, not hearing me finish my joke. Honestly! These people just have no appreciation for the finer things in life, like comedy and sarcasm.
But then I see where she's going. She leaps in the air and takes a swing at Gob Sold His Soul. He's fast though, and she misses. I also realize that he's not holding a cane, but one of those sticks that people who are blind use to feel in front of them (which means it definitely is Murdock). Which in turn begs the question: how on EARTH did he dodge that if he can't see?!
I leave my musings locked away for another time and return to the action. They've been talking in French again,and apparently Mr. Jerkock mentioned something incredibly rude, because Felicia tries to take another swing at him. I web her hand before she does.
"Felicia, STOP! I have no idea what this is all about, but that''s Matt 'Murderdock'! The Man is all about pushing other people's buttons! You can't just let him-"
"I don't care!" She cuts me off before I can finish. And right when I was about to drop some hardcore Spider-Philosophifify too! "He robbed me of my innocence! He killed my father! I want to close my eyes at night without thinking of what he's done! Without seeing his smug little face! I WANT IT TO END!"
I can't let this go on. I knock her out cold. But… Her Father? She said Murdock killed her father?
The Big Red Deviled Dog walks forward and does an obnoxious slow clap. "Wow. One Punch. Nicely done. I've been in a ring or two and that was impressive. Really, REALLY Impressive. Imagine if you had one clue what you were doing with those fists?"
Man, I am SO not in the mood. I mean, I know stopping Felicia from hurting him was the morally correct choice, but still… "Murdock," is all I say, voice freezing with ice.
"Ah, yes. Always nice to be recognized. What was it you called me? 'Matt Murderdock'? I dig it. Makes a nice hashtag." I grab the dude by his way to nice blood red tie. I'm so done with him right now. Felicia's been an absolute jerk to us for some time now, but no one deserves to lose someone they love, especially at someone else's hands.
"What is THIS?! These are your men? You work for the Kingpin. Protect him. Do his DIRTY work." A Parkinja slices his tie in half so I loose my grip on him. "It was you who that sent those men to get revenge on Captain Stacy. It had to be you…" I'm literally having to control my rage so it just simmers below my boiling point….
Luciferendous sighs. "You Kids these days. It's always blood debt this. Blood debt that. It's a bit reductive as motivations go, dontcha think? C'mon kid, Please tell me someone as colorful as you doesn't see life as black and white as poor Felicia here." He keeps talking as I swing over to the parkinjas again to fight some more off the stage. "I mean, just look at her," he continues. "She held it all in here hands. And this is where she ends up. All because she couldn't let go of the past….." He keeps talking, but by then I've tuned him out to keep fighting the parkinjas. He seems to be talking very sinisterly though…..What does he know? I finish the last ninja and turn to Murdock as he keeps monologuing. "I've been watching you, Spider-Woman. And I've seen who you are." Uhhh….what? How….MUCH does he know?
Murdock continues being a butthole monologuing villain. "'And just who is that?' you're thinking. A menace? A hero? Word of Advice, little spider- grip too tightly to what other people expect, in the end, you'll have nothing left to hold."
I am so done with this guy. The only reason I'm still talking to this butt is so I can see if I can gauge how much he know about me. But, at this point I'm not gonna stand for him just stand and be a jerk. "Is that a threat, Murdock? Because if you think you can-" But he cuts me off, as everyone seems to be doing today.
"See kid, that right there is your problem. Always out to arm wrestle when you could just shake hands." Sirens start,coming to check out what happened here. Murdock smiles. "Ah, well. Either way it goes, those sirens mean it won't be today, will it? See ya around, Spidey." I swing off, seething. This is so not cool.
-Ok, so I said at the beginning that this will be the last chapter, but I lied. I'm going to write one more chapter, an epilogue, to kind of wrap everything up in a nice little bow. Which will lead into my next story….which will be either two different projects, both of my ideas involve Spider-Gwen….official announcement will be at the end of the epilogue chapter. (And, in case you're wondering, me and my friend are still working on First and Last Impressions, just my friend doesn't have the time to write too much.)