(It Was Almost) The First Time in Forever
By Ginny
Ch 12
To those of you who stuck with me until the end, thank you.
It's nearly 8:00 before I can get Ned in the house and into the bath. I wish I had half the energy this kid has.
He's currently in the sunken tub in our bathroom with surrounded by bubbles, singing in the same off key manner as Charlie sings. I set up the ironing board so I can see both him and the television in our bedroom. Sloan just started her broadcast. As they go to the first break she lists the upcoming stories for News Night. The last topic catches my ear, something about the new app that is giving Charlie, (and everyone who isn't a minion of Pruitt's) fits. Should be interesting. I iron a few of Charlie's plaid shirts as Ned enjoys his bath.
"Alright buddy, time to get out of the tub before you just shrivel up," I announce at 8:30.
"Nana, that's not possible," Ned explains in complete 6 year old seriousness. I try not to laugh as I help him rinse the bubbles out of his hair. He puts on his pajamas, brushes his teeth and I tell him he can get in my bed for a while to watch "Poppy's channel". Honestly, I think he likes to watch Sloan.
He kneels by the side of the bed and quickly says his prayers before climbing up and snuggling under the covers on Charlie's side of the bed. I sit on my side of the bed and watch the last few segments of the broadcast.
Oh My God.
While I'm sure Pruitt and therefore Charlie are going to go ballistic about the interview, I know my husband and deep down he's proud of what Sloan just did. Unfortunately, when he sees her in a few minutes, it is not going to come across that way.
The house phone rings a minute later, as I knew it would.
"Nancy, I swear to fucking God I am done! Did you see that shit?" Charlie yells, without so much as a greeting.
"Yes Charlie, I saw it. Please calm down, you know what Dr. Matthews said," I plead, ignoring his language.
"I don't care what he said. I care about the shit storm those two girls just cooked up."
"I know you do," I whisper.
He rambles on for another minute or so and I just let him. He needs to get things out and that's fine. But when it sounds like he's about to hyperventilate I have to say something.
"Charlie, take a deep breath and listen to me," I plead as I am truly starting to worry about his emotional state. I look for my cell phone to text Mac. I can hear him take a few ragged breaths. As I do I see Ned looking up at me with a confused and slightly scared look on his face. I pull him into my lap and kiss his cheek. I hand him the remote and he turns on Disney Channel. "Better?" I ask when I can no longer hear Charlie's harsh breathing.
"Yes. Nancy, I am going down to the bullpen, handling this mess and after that I am going to tell Pruitt I'm retiring. I can't do this anymore," he says quietly. The resignation in his tone is clear.
"Charlie, are you sure?" I ask as I wipe away the tears which have started to fall. I know we discussed it yesterday but having it basically be a done deal is a little scary.
"Yes. I'm done. I will call you when it's over." I hear him take a few deep breaths and I can almost see him running a hand through his hair and tugging at his bowtie.
"Before you go down there, please remember that Mac and Sloan love you very much."
"I know, that's what makes this whole thing a train wreck."
"I'm so sorry I'm not there with you, honey," I say as I shift Ned a little and rub his back, he's almost asleep.
"I love you, Nancy," Charlie whispers, his voice thick with emotion. I can tell he's on the verge of tears. It's nothing short of heartbreaking.
"I love you too," I whisper.
I hang up with an unexplainable feeling of dread.
Less than 10 minutes later my cell phone rings, Charlie's cell. Strange, as he called the house line a few minutes ago.
"Honey? That was quick," I start as I turn out the light, Ned is asleep.
"Nancy, it's Mac. Sorry, Charlie's was the first phone I could get my hands on and your cell number was the first saved number and…and…Nancy…he…Charlie.."
"Mac, what's wrong, what happened? Is Charlie okay?"
"Nancy, Charlie collapsed in the bullpen. He came down to deal with Sloan and I after the…the."
"I saw the interview. What happened?"
"We all got loud and he tried to be the voice of reason. Eventually he turned to go with Pruitt. He stopped by a desk, took a breath and collapsed. He hit his head on the desk, gashed his forehead. Paramedics are on their way."
"Oh my God," I manage to croak out at the tears come flooding back. My sobs wake Ned and I pull him back into my lap. "Is he conscious?"
"He is but he's not really responding. Don is with him. Sloan is on the phone with Katie. A driver will be there in 15 minutes to pick both of you up."
"Mac, be honest, it is bad?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
"I think so," she answers.
"Okay," is all I can manage to say.
Dr. Matthews' prediction is coming true sooner than any of us could have ever imagined.
"I'll go with him in the ambulance," Mac offers.
"Wait, what about Will?" I ask suddenly remembering he is getting out tonight.
"Let me worry about that. I will let you know what's happening."
"Thank you. Give him a kiss for me," I sob into the phone.
I hang up and look into Ned's frightened eyes.
"Is Poppy okay?" he asks, obviously he was paying attention to my conversation.
"No," I explain as I wipe my eyes. "He got sick at work. Mommy and I are going to check on him.
"What about me?" Ned asks. For a second I don't have an answer for him. It's not like I'm going to leave him here by himself. I hear the front door open and I yell down that Ned and I are in the bedroom. Two sets of footsteps come flying up the stairs, Katie's and Beau's. The four of us huddle and cry together for a minute. Katie wants Beau to take Ned home but our little guy is very reluctant to leave my house and I understand. I send Katie downstairs to wait for the car and I take Ned into Charlie's office. I settle him down on the couch, probably his favorite spot in the house, except for the pool. I reassure him as best I can. He calms down, I put on the television and cover him up with the ACN sweatshirt Charlie keeps on the back of his door. He snuggles up under it immediately. I kiss his forehead and leave the room before I start crying again.
We assure Beau we will call as soon as we know something.
Five minutes later our car arrives as we speed through the night into the city.
Mac keeps in contact via text.
-doc thinking heart attack but not ruling out stroke
-head wound doesn't seem to be a concern
-don and sloan here
-having trouble stabilizing him
And finally…
-hurry
That last text comes when we're still at least 10 minutes away.
The car stops in front of the ER entrance and Katie and I jump from the car. We head inside and I scan the waiting room for familiar faces.
I see the 3 of them huddled together in a corner.
One glance at them and I know the truth, my sweet Charlie is gone.
Mac gets to me first, followed quickly by Don and Sloan. The five of us cry for a minute until the doctor comes out. He talks us to but I don't hear much more than massive heart attack, irreversible damage, dead.
They tell us we can see him for a minute. He's still in the room where they worked on him. It's not busy so they haven't moved his body yet. Mac walks us down the hall. Don and Sloan ask if they should start making calls. I ask them to hold off until Katie can call Beau.
Katie only stays for a minute, there's obviously nothing she can do. As a mother she needs to focus on her boys. She kisses her father's cheek and leaves the room in tears to call Beau.
"Do you want me to stay?" Mac asks.
"No, I want you to go get your husband," I tell her. "You need to be the one to tell him."
"Okay," she whispers. I step back a little as she walks to the gurney. She takes Charlie's hand and kisses it, whispering how much she loves him. She gives me a quick hug and leaves to go get Will.
I pull up a stool and take Charlie's hand. It's still warm. I remove the oxygen sensor from his finger. Both arms still have the IV ports. The gash on his forehead has been closed with three little pieces of surgical tape and his hair is sticking up. I can't help but smooth it down. The sheet's pulled down past his shoulders and the pads from the monitor wires are still stuck to his chest. I pull the sheet up a little.
I feel like I should say something but my mind is going in a million directions, I wouldn't know where to start. I press his hand to my lips and tell him I love him. I remove his wedding ring and put it on my thumb. I kiss him one more time and turn to leave. Don is standing in the doorway, tears streaming down his face. I motion for him to come in, he takes a hesitant step in, unsure if he should.
"I'll be right outside," I whisper as I grab the bag of Charlie's belongings which are on the counter by the door.
I watch as Don holds Charlie's hand and leans over to kiss his forehead. He's comes into the hallway not a minute after me.
Thirty minutes later Katie and I are headed back home. Don and Sloan offered to come with us but we declined. We took them up on their offer to make some calls. The first call, which I should probably make myself but honestly can't, is Leona Lansing. Katie's already told Beau over the phone. She didn't want to but he knew as soon as she called. Ned was still sleeping and Beau had decided not to wake him.
When we get home, Katie makes tea for the three of us and we huddle in the den in our grief. I share with Beau what I know about the final hour or so of his grandfather's life. Despite trying to hold everything in, he dissolves into tears in his mother's arms. While Katie comforts Beau I go to get us more tissues. As I hit the hallway I see Ned sitting at the top of the stairs. He's wrapped up in Charlie's sweatshirt, tears clearly streaming down his little cheeks. I motion for him to come down and he shakes his head. He stands and nearly trips over the sweatshirt as he runs back into Charlie's office.
"Katie, Ned's awake, let me go talk to him," I say as I peek my head back in the den. She nods her head as she continues to hug Beau and gently rub his back.
By the time I get to Charlie's office, Ned is curled up in the desk chair. The hood of the sweatshirt is pulled over his head and I can hear his little sobs. I scoop him up into my arms and we both settle into the chair.
"Is Poppy dead?" he asks as he pushes the hood back a bit so I can see his face.
"Yes, honey, he is," I state simply. It's Ned's first experience with death, outside of a few goldfish, so I'm not sure how much he will understand.
"That means he's not coming back, right?" he asks quietly.
"That's right."
Ned's quiet for a few minutes. He pushes his little hands out of the sleeves and reaches for my hands. He fingers the ring on my thumb.
"Is that Poppy's?" he asks. I nod and hold him tight. He takes a deep breath and starts to sob, which starts me all over again.
Katie finds us still in the chair a little while later, both of us a blubbering mess. She takes Ned from me and starts to carry him out of the room. He protests and it's understandable. Charlie's office was their special place. Katie settles him on the couch. I go back down to check on Beau.
I find Beau in Charlie's recliner under the plaid throw. He's asleep. I kiss his forehead and take the mugs from our tea back to the kitchen.
It's 3 in the morning and I honestly don't know what to do. I wander the kitchen for a few minutes, putting the mugs in the dishwasher and setting the coffee maker for tomorrow morning, Katie and I are sure to need it. My cell's text alert goes off and I pick it up off the counter. It's from Will.
-Are you awake? Can I call?
I call and talk to Will for a while as I wander around. I see the bag from the hospital on the bench in the foyer, where Charlie always dumps/dumped his briefcase at the end of the day. I put it on the kitchen table and start to empty it as Will and I wrap up our call with the usual "love you" and "talk to you soon".
I dump the contents of the bag and stare at the pile of assorted items before really touching any of them. I almost have to force myself to pick them up.
I find his wallet, cell phone and some change in his pants pockets. His shirt and jacket are missing. I realize they were probably cut off. I find his reading glasses. I hold them up, they are, as usual smudged to the point that I have no idea how he saw anything out of them. His socks are stuffed in one shoe and his watch in the other. The one thing I'm looking for isn't in the pile. I pick up his pants and go through the pockets again until I find what I'm looking for….his bowtie.
And that's my undoing…again.
I hear footsteps on the stairs so I quickly wipe a hand over my eyes. Katie heads down the hall to peek in on Beau before coming back in the kitchen.
"Boys okay?"
"Yeah, both are asleep. Ned's still on Dad's couch. Beau's where I left him in the recliner. How are you?"
"Numb. I talked to Will. He and Mac will come out later."
Katie sits down next to me and picks up Charlie's bowtie, running the silk through her fingers. "I keep thinking this is all just a bad dream," she whispers as she swipes at her eyes.
"Me too. I think I'm going to go upstairs, try to sleep for a little while."
"Want me to come up with you?" Katie offers.
"That's okay. I never remade the bed in the guest room from when Mac stayed over. Sheets are in the dryer, I think. I'll help you make the bed."
"Mom, I can do that myself. Go get some sleep." I nod in agreement and give her a big hug.
Before I go into our bedroom I peek my head in to check on Ned. He is curled up on the couch under the plaid blanket. He's still wearing Charlie's sweatshirt, I doubt I'll ever get that back from him. That's just fine. I tiptoe in and kiss his forehead.
As I step into our bedroom, the room we've shared for over 30 years, random memories of Charlie come flooding back. I have to force myself to change and not just crawl in to bed fully dressed. I head to the bathroom and slip out of my clothes. Closing the door a little to pull my pajamas off the hook on the back I stop short. I see our pajamas, mine and Charlie's, side by side, just where we left them this morning. I leave mine hanging and pull on his pajamas. They have the faint smell of Irish Spring soap, coffee and bourbon.
I crawl into bed, wrapping myself around Charlie's pillow.
The next few days will be spent with family and friends, but right now I feel completely alone….for the first time in forever.
THE END