It was took me only a moment to realize that Spock heard that thought. Because before the thought was finished, he had retreated to the other side of the room with a crestfallen look on his face.

That was the turning point for him. My state of mind him reevaluate what he was doing here.

He decided that I had had enough of helping him. It was his turn to help me...recover from the stress he had brought upon me.

"I will talk to a healer as soon as I return to Vulcan," he whispered urgently, trying to calm me. His attempt worked, because he gave me the one thing I thought I needed: a way out. "I will have the link broken and will continue my search for another mate. For it is apparent that forcing you to stay with me will be detrimental."

He took a deep breath, as if steeling himself to do something he didn't want to. "If you believe you are acting as you did on Tarsus IV for my sake, you will suffer. Instead of becoming my partner in life, you will seek ways to avoid me because you see me as a threat. But because of the bond, there will be times you will not be allowed to stay away. It will push you toward me whether you prefer it or not."

He stiffened as he tried to convince himself of his next words. "I cannot allow you to be harmed by my needs. If I cannot protect you as my mate, I will protect you by setting you free."

I sighed. What he said was true. I would do exactly what he described, because I knew no other way to handle my anxieties. The bond was just created, and I was already looking on him as if he was one of the guards I laid over a table for. If that was the way I was going to act every time he wanted me close, we were doomed.

So I couldn't say no to his suggestion, now that his biology no longer had a hold on him. But I still wanted to do one last thing to protect him.

I wasn't going to let my departure from his head put him in danger again. So I had a condition. "You're right. You probably would be better with someone who isn't...damaged goods. Someone who can be that partner for you. But I won't let you break the bond until you find that person."

Spock looked up from contemplating his hands with an increduous expression. "You speak of yourself as if you are less than complete." His tone suggested that he believed the exact opposite.

But he hadn't been in my shoes when the universe came crashing in on me. He didn't feel my soul tear into shreds every time I sacrificed myself for the sake of innocents.

"I am," I said simply, too tired to make him understand. "I never felt the same after Tarsus IV. And some of the effects didn't show up until years later. It took me a few years of gathering my courage after my 16th birthday until I could have sex. And you could see how well I handle relationships. Kodos crushed the loving person in me..."

My companion shook his head. "That being within is not gone. He is merely injured. You have not had the opportunity to heal those mental wounds."

I wish he was right, but I knew differently. It all came down to one fact. "I don't know how."

This didn't seem to change Spock's opinion of my state of being. "Nor do I believe you are ready to do so at this time. You are still contemplating your failed relationship with Mr. Mitchell. The one who aids you in your recovery will need time and your total trust to be successful. I have neither."

I knew what he was saying. That I felt broken because my psyche had just taken a hard blow. But he was wrong. I had felt broken all my life. The only difference with that blow was that the one doing the breaking had been someone I actually cared about.

But for a moment, I wanted that cure Spock suggested. Because my injuries had now caused me to hurt another being. I sighed remorsefully as I stared at my companion.

Responding to my heavy gaze, he stood up and came over to me, bowing submissively. "I believe it is best for me to leave at this time. You need rest and time to recover from the strain I put on you."

I looked at him ambivalently. Part of me wanted him to leave. Because of him, I had a second presence in my mind to contend with. Because of all that had happened in the last few days, I couldn't even get a handle on my own mind, let alone his.

But the bond wouldn't let me alone to sort it all out. I could hear that presence at the back of my thoughts. I could feel his worry, his remorse.

How could I not respond to that? No matter how annoying the bond was, I knew he didn't mean to hurt me with it. I reached out and caressed his cheek. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you really need."

Surpringly, Spock didn't say anything to that. He just watched my eyes for a few minutes before stepping back and leaving me to my thoughts.

As I watched him, he began to pack his things. Calmly, methodically, he gathered all the supplies that he had used to help bring me pleasure. He packed the silky clothing I had so admired him in, the few times he was dressed.

Watching him made me feel guilty. He had come for my help but that help had only made matters worse for him. But I knew his leaving was best for both of us. I needed time to think. Spock needed time to find someone to take my place. Neither of us could do those things comfortably while around the other.

So I let him come over and tell me that the room was paid for for the rest of my stay. I let him give me a credit chip to pay for incidental expenses, even though I didn't want to take his money. (I could see on his face that he would consider it an insult if I refused. I fugured I could pay him back later.)

When everything was taken care of to his satisfaction-his things packed and my needs seen to-Spock took his bags to the door and put them down so he could grab his keycard from his tunhic pocket and put it on the table for my use. But he made the mistake of turning his head toward me, letting me see his face. I couldn't let him leave with that morose look dominating his handsome features.

Because it made me feel like I had kicked him when he was down. I hadn't wanted to hurt him. But I was just too damaged to be what he needed.

So I came over to him slowly and stood in front of him quietly. When he was curious enough to raise an eyebrow, I kissed him softly. My lips caressed his as I tried to soothe the wounds I had accidentally inflicted on his psyche with my resistance.

"Good luck," I whispered as I pulled back gently. "I hope you find who you're looking for."

I could see his emotions in his eyes. That was practically a sacriledge for a Vulcan. But he risked it so his mate would know that he was not alone in his struggles. His eyes made it clear that I wasn't the only one who was trying to figure out how to make sure our situation didn't become more painful.

But even though he didn't suppress it, he handled his confusion with grace. "And to you, I wish the best. And I thank you for what you have given me." Spock bowed before me solemnly.

After that, there was nothing more to say. So I reluctantly let him go. When the door closed, the click of the two sides tapping together sounded like a slam to my emotionally tainted senses.

When I could finally gather my wits, I walked back to the couch where we had sex numerous times. After a deep sigh, I sat down heavily and stared into space as I tried to figure out what to do now. But it was no good. Suddenly, it felt as if my mind wasn't working.

So I decided to not do anything at the moment. I laid down right there on the couch, figuring a nap would help straighten out my thoughts. But as soon as I did, I knew it was a mistake. I could smell him in the cushions. I could feel the lingering warmth from where he had sat.

Those assaults on my senses made my heart clench in my chest.

I couldn't help but ask the questions haunting the back of my mind. What had I done? Why couldn't I give him what he needed? Why couldn't I leave my past behind me?

But my body was exhausted. I might not be able to find answers at the moment, but at least I could try to rest so that I was prepared when the answers came my way. So I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the lingering signs of Spock's presence.

It was a mixed blessing. Because sometime during my nap I began to dream about Tarsus IV. I was once again leaning over that dirty table, letting Kodos' guards rape me so I could get a loaf of bread and some apples for myself and the fifteen kids under my care. I was once again reminding myself that it was for the best.

I didn't want any of the others to have to do this. Only one of them was older than me. Renaud, at 16. But he was our guard. I was the leader.

And the rest were all under 10. There was no way I'd let any of them take my place.

The memories were just as vivid as they always were. The pain was just as gut-wrenching. But there was one difference with this dream. There was one thing that made me realize that pushing aside the last couple days was going to be harder than I thought.

I woke up screaming for Spock to save me.

end part 12