Chapter summary:
Every relationship has it's ups and downs, our duo just has theirs on a very fast cycle.
Just when everything had been going so wonderfully, Kylo had to ruin it by dragging her into another one of his nightmares.
Except this time it went far beyond a nightmare into a full fledged hallucination. Even though Rey knows it for what it is, everything still feels so real. The way her pulse is races and her voice is hoarse from shouting. Yelling and pleading with the companion in her head to calm down and stop scaring her like this.
Something horrible has just happened, otherwise he wouldn't be acting like this. He would never hurt her. Not intentionally. But none of this is making any sense. She had been doing so well. Everything had been going great until...
Until what exactly?
Where they are or what they're running from is a painful, numb spot inside her mind. Kylo is actively trying to keep her out of his head, squeezing her half to death and fighting back as she tries to reach him and make him listen. She wants to tell him to stop. Stop being so manic because it's making him wild and reckless. Stop and wake the fuck up.
He doesn't, just keeps on going and the only thing she can do is try to piece it together. They are outside. He's not telling her anything but she knows that much. There is grass under her feet instead of the rocks and sand that she's become so familiar with. It's night but there's just the tiniest sliver of light in the sky and Rey can barely see her own hand in front of her face.
Kylo ignores her completely in his determination to get her out of there. Keeps dragging her up and along with him and not paying her objections any attention.
When she tries to dig her feet in he squeezes her wrist harder but refuses to look back at her. It hurts and she cries out, pleading with him to let go of her. She almost starts to cry, feeling so scared of him all of a sudden.
It's too dark. That's another problem. They had been approaching a full moon last night and it's not supposed to be this dark. She has the strongest sense that she's missing something important. Something is going on behind them and that's what he's trying to keep from her.
As soon as she thinks that, Kylo pulls her to him. Crushes her in his arms so hard that she has no choice but to go limp or risk passing out.
Can you even pass out from a dream, though? Would that wake her up instead?
She can feel him in her mind. Clawing and searching for something. If he would only tell her what he wants she'd give it to him just to get him to snap out of this.
But if he's in her head, that means she can go into his.
So she lets him do it. Feels the unstable ground beneath his feet as he picks her up and carries her. Taking her with him to wherever it is he's so hell bent on going to.
When she closes her eyes and reaches into him she can hear police sirens in the background. So many voices shouting in the distance and getting closer. Even if she can't make out the words, the meaning is clear. They're looking for someone. Not for Kylo, though. Someone else.
For... her? He's afraid for her? That someone is going to take her away from him?
That's it. That's why he's holding onto her like this. Or at least that's part of it, but he's still hiding something from her. Keeping it locked so far away in his head that she doesn't know how she can feel it at all.
A siren gets closer. That shrill whirr that pierces through her and she's spent the last half year conditioning herself to dread. Blue and red flashes on the rocks ahead of them. Kylo tries to wrap himself around her, keeping her hidden out of view.
It hurts to feel that, too. That awful sense of desperation. Hurts and tugs at her heart in a way that she knows is excessive but the effect multiples until she can't stand it a second longer.
And, just like that, she disappears.
Rey wakes up trembling.
Echos of Kylo's voice still ring in her head. Him screaming her name as she gets pulled out of his arms by her return to consciousness. Her breath is coming in short, choked pants and her heart is racing so hard she wonders if she might actually be about to have a panic attack. The constriction in her chest is severe, pressing on her ribs and forcing bile up to the back of her throat.
Then the constriction moves, shifting and allowing her burning lungs inflate. It was Kylo. He had her in a bear hug, squeezing her and holding her against his chest so tightly that it's almost painful.
He's shaking too, just like she was. She realizes that he must somehow still be asleep because, when she whispers his name so he'll let her go, he doesn't respond. Instead, he holds her even tighter still. Embracing her with so much desperation that he's literally clawing at her. Raking his nails across her back in an effort to keep her close to him and Rey is sure she would have welts along her skin if it wasn't for her thick sweatshirt she wears at night.
"Kylo?" she whimpers, shaking his shoulders with the little amount of leverage she has given that her arms are pinned between them.
He still doesn't wake up. Buried deeply in his nightmare and then he whines and her will immediately shatters. Giving in, she wriggles closer instead of further away. Wanting and trying to do anything she can to comfort him. Anything other than closing her eyes and going back into that awful place that she escaped from.
When she stops struggling to get away, he stops hurting her. Stops trying to cling to her with all his strength. Even in his sleep he buries his face in her neck, effectively covering her ability to see with the sweaty tangle of black hair that falls down to her.
He is slowly calming down, though. The longer she lets him hold her like this the better it seems to get for him. He's everywhere over her and it's hard for her to breathe but he's trembling less and less with each of their shaky, shared breaths.
And she can smell him. It's a strange, random thought that comes into her head but there's little else to think about as she tries to comfort him through whatever this is. His hair smells stale with old and new sweat, and the skin of his neck has a faintly iron-like scent. It must be his blood, pumping so hard so close to the skin. Her face is literally pressed against it and she can feel his pulse racing next to her cheek. The little blip-blips of pressure on her skin.
When he calms down a bit more, she tips her head backwards. Giving her a scant centimeter of breathing room. He presses his head against her, unconsciously seeking her out when she moves even the tiniest amount away from him. So she placates him by rubbing circles along his collarbones with her hands. It's an awkward kind of gesture, but pinned as she is it's the best she can manage.
Minutes go by like that. Or she thinks that's how long it is. With her half buried under him there's no way of telling time, so she counts his breaths instead. Rapid and shallow ones at first that fan against her forehead and tickle the baby hairs there. Slowly they start to ease and deepen, and she's very grateful that his breath smells like the minty toothpaste they brushed with before going to bed that night.
"Kylo?" she whispers again, when he goes slack in her arms and the last of the shaking leaves the torso pressed against her.
He doesn't answer. Still deeply and profoundly asleep, but at least it's peacefully this time. How is it that the man can sleep so deeply even through all of that? He could make a rock with a coma jealous for all of his profound depth.
And his head is still burrowed into the crook of her neck and shoulders. It's getting heavy and she wishes that he'd move it but doesn't have the heart to wake him. Not sure if she even could and definitely not now, when he's still clinging to her like this. Wrapping her in his arms like she's his living, breathing teddy bear.
Gods he's such a lunatic. She used to wonder what she's gotten herself into but then that line of thought just proved frustrating and useless. So she goes back to listening to his heartbeat. Letting the once-again calm rhythm slowly lull her to oblivion along with him.
Rey's eyes shoot open at the first sound of rain.
She loves rain. It's a beautiful thing and she usually enjoys every second of it. The exception being when she's in her tent and the first raindrops in a desert almost always herald a massive, fabric-soaking downpour. The kind that will either leave her stewing in a wet tent the next time she sleeps in it or will force her to make painstaking efforts to try and dry out her equipment during the day.
Kylo is still ensconced around her, and she hates to disturb him. It's so nice and warm when he's cuddling her like this, now that he's stopped trying to forcibly graft himself into her flesh and is simply holding her.
Maybe it will just be a light shower. Maybe she can stay here with him for a little while longer.
But then thunder cracks outside and the patters of rain start to deepen past only a few drops.
With incredible reluctance, Rey starts to wriggle out of his arms. Or attempt to. The infinitely heavy and immobile mass that he is even when he's not actively trying to pin her down proving problematic.
"Kylo?"
She jerks her torso, trying to get even a small amount of leverage to push away from him. His thumb rubs her shoulder blade in a circle and he tries to nuzzle his head up against hers again but she pulls back. Jerking her shoulders harder and trying to lift his arm off of her.
"Kylo! Get up, we need to get out of here."
His eyelids flutter open and he stares at her for a moment. Then he suddenly seems to realize how intertwined they'd become in the night.
He flushes and it's so damn cute and noticeable against his pale skin. Rey smiles at him and that seems to make it worse. He starts stuttering out an apology and finally lets her go enough that she can squirm out from half under him.
"It's raining," she says, avoiding the subtext behind his embarrassment. She kicks out from under the tangle of covers throttling both their legs. "We need to pack up quick and get out of here."
It may already be too late. The rain is starting to come down in sheets, shaking her whole tent with its force.
Kylo exhales sharply. Half a sigh and half a yawn. Then he scratches the back of his head and pulls himself up into seated.
As wrong as it is, Rey can't help but feel a bit cheated about waking up like that and not having her new favorite part of their morning routine greeting her. Though that would probably be highly inappropriate given the rough night they just had.
Rey hands him the stuffing bags and lets him shove their bedding into them while she scampers out to take down the outer layer of their tent before the storm gets any worse.
By the time everything has been haphazardly bundled and shoved into the trunk they were both soaked to the bone.
Rey has the engine on idle and the heater cranked up. Mostly in an effort to dry their waterlogged bodies out, but also to fight against the out of season chill in the air. The desert can be a weird place, that's for sure.
Kylo seems to share almost none of her appreciation for the elements. He's currently sulkily pouting in the passenger seat, trying to finger-comb out his tangled and rain-matted hair into something approaching less of a black swamp monster.
The storm has mostly passed, and Rey gives it a few more minutes to slacken before she drives out. Or attempts to drive out, to be more accurate. Despite being a 4 wheel drive, the tires spin out in the now muddy and soaked silt. Kicking up a deluge of mud behind them but making no forward progress.
She tries backing up and then forward again a few tries, but if anything it's making the ruts they're in even worse.
Kylo grunts, wincing as their SUV skids to a 45 degree angle from where it had been aiming.
"Do you want me to push?"
His voice is strained and a look of pure distance marks his face at the idea. It crinkles the shiney skin around his scar in odd ways, and Rey has to tear her attention away so she doesn't get caught staring.
"Do you mind? Otherwise we'll just have to wait until it dries out some."
Which could be hours or longer. Kylo sighs and nods, hopping out without another word.
It takes countless tries and a good fifteen minutes of repeated efforts, but they finally make it back up onto the gravel road. Which is also in poor condition, but it offers enough traction for them to drive out and away.
Now, in addition to being soaking wet, Kylo is half covered in mud. She had laid out a towel over his seat so he wouldn't ruin the upholstery, but getting them both cleaned up is going to be a top priority. According to their map, a few minutes drive down the main highway is a small white picnic table sign. The rain has passed and it's still overcast but getting brighter, so that may be as good a spot as any to aim for.
Kylo's expression of pure horror at the idea of bathing in a public restroom would have been comical if Rey had been in a better mood.
She was feeling gross herself and that made her more snappish than usual. He'd wanted them to find a creek or stream instead, or some place more private and hygienic, but Rey had started to lose her temper at his whining. Eventually he had relented and disappeared into the men's room with a large bottle of water and a clean change of clothes.
While he was doing that, Rey had laboriously pinned her tent to the chain link fence enclosing the picnic area. It kept trying to blow off and away into the desert with the high winds, but at least it would hopefully dry quickly.
Unfortunately that left her too preoccupied to notice the police car until it pulled up right behind her SUV, blocking it into the spot.
She turns around and freezes, staring at it with shock.
For a second Rey tries to tell herself it may not mean anything, but with the shadow of their dream last night hanging over her thoughts all morning it's hard not to think the worst.
When the officer steps out and starts walking towards her, her heart sinks. Having no other choice, she steps toward him to get whatever this is. Mindful to keep her face directly facing into the intermittent sun so that it will make her squint and hopefully mask any expression that slips through.
"Hi, is there-"
"Are you by yourself out here, Miss?"
It's the second time that someone's asked her that same exact question. She forces herself to keep steady eye contact and not even glance at the door to the restroom where Kylo is.
"I'm just drying my tent," she says, avoiding a direct answer. "If that's a problem I can take it down."
The man looks at her then turns, scanning the mostly empty lot before falling on the lone building. Rey tries to reach into his mind. Scowls as she concentrates and pretends its the sun in her eyes. She almost can do it. Almost. On the surface is... fear? No. Anxiety, maybe. He's nervous around her. Little old her. Why? But she loses focus of whatever is bothering him when he speaks again.
"I need to talk to the man traveling with you. Where is he?"
His voice is strict. Authoritative.
Rey blinks, her mind racing with ways to stall. No, stalling isn't going to work. She needs to get him out of here before-
Kylo steps out. Wet, clean, all in black, and looking pissed as hell.
He tosses his bundle of muddy clothes on the hood of their SUV and stomps toward them. The policeman takes a step back and all Rey can see is how his hand clings to the gun on his hip.
"Kylo-" she starts to plead.
"I'm right here, so what do you want?"
The policeman straightens, visibly intimidated by the angry man in black who towers over them both. Then he holds his ground when Kylo takes another step closer. Rey fidgets, trying to reach out to them both and see where their heads are at.
"You need to come in with me to the station, Sir," the man's voice is confident and so is his stance. But those are the only two things, everything below the surface is tight with inner tension.
And it makes Rey suddenly realize something about why he started off so nervous even before Kylo had made himself known.
"You didn't call for backup."
The man doesn't respond. Maybe he didn't hear her, but Kylo certainly did. He shoots her a pointed look and she shakes her head. Trying to warn him not to do whatever it is he's thinking about.
"You have a warrant?" he asks, turning his attention away from her.
"Of course."
The man is lying, she's sure of that. She wonders if maybe he doesn't actually have anything. But he is trying to take Kylo somewhere.
"So let me see it," Kylo insists, sticking out his hand.
The man tightens his jaw. Shakes his head. "It doesn't work like that. You need to come down with me to the station and we'll have a talk."
And he's absolutely right. It doesn't work like that. Rey has seen enough episodes of 'Cops' while sitting in waiting rooms across the country to know that this isn't how arrests work. Police never do them solo like this. Especially not when their suspect is a huge, angry man.
"What is going on?" she asks quietly, edging to the side and closer to her car. She's not sure where she's heading with this. Maybe looking for sanctuary.
Kylo glares at the man. They stay locked in a tense standoff and the only thing they're missing is a tumbleweed rolling between them. Which actually could happen right now, ironically.
"I'm not going anywhere," Kylo finally says, breaking the loaded silence.
"Sir, you're not going to want to-"
"Call it in, then. I'll be waiting right here."
Rey almost thinks he's not going to. Braces herself for whatever is about to happen.
But the policeman sneers, turning half way and stomping toward his car but never fully turning his back to them.
"Kylo?" Rey whispers.
"Get in the car, Rey. I'll handle this."
"Handle? What does that- What are you going to do?"
She keeps her voice low, but anger is rolling off him in waves and, as much as she'd like to trust his judgment, she really has been given no grounds to.
"Don't worry about it. It's going to be fine. Just get in the car. Please."
He's trying to shush her like she's useless. Rey wants to object, but gets cut off by Kylo's pleading look at her.
"I'm not going to do anything, Rey. I promise. So let me handle this, okay?"
But... just...oh fuck. What choice does she have? Several, maybe, but she decides to go along with it. Circles back along the front to the drivers door, snatching Kylo's dirty clothes off the hood as she goes. The bundle get unceremoniously tossed into the back as she sits down. Robotically puts the keys in the lock and tries to drown out the thought that they may have to make a quick getaway out of here and she needs to be prepared.
Kylo moves away from their SUV, approaching the police car. She can't see what the officer is doing inside of it, but she grips the steering wheel tightly. Debates turning the engine on but that might be misinterpreted.
Then her phone rings and she has to stifle her surprised yelp.
Her hands are shaking. Godsdamnit. Way to keep your shit together, Rey.
It takes her three tries to put in her unlock code correctly. The she frowns at the unlisted number. Finn and Poe are the only ones who ever call her and they wouldn't like this.
And it hits her with crystal clarity. Of course.
She takes a second to collect herself before answering.
"Okay, you've got my attention. Now what do you want?"
There's a moment of pause before the smooth voice answers back.
"To talk to you alone. There are some things we need to discuss."
The man from before. The one who harassed her earlier at her hotel room.
Rey swallows, watching the side mirror out of the corner of her eye. Kylo is leaning against the police cruiser. She can only see his back but, judging by his gesturing and body language, he's getting into a heated debate with the man inside. That can't be good. At all.
"Talk about what?" she asks, only half listening.
"I want your help. The family of the man you're shacked up with have hired me to find him. They're very worried about him and I need you to help me bring him back."
That draws her attention back to her phone. She grimaces at it before remembering that he can't see her.
"I thought you said that you were a private investigator?"
Another pause.
"I never said that. I've been hired to find him and investigate a missing person. The evidence has been leading me to you and now you need to start talking before you make it worse for yourself."
What does that even mean? She's only spoken to this man for a collective five minutes and she already can barely stand him. Let alone trust him.
"How did you get my number? I'm assuming you've had us followed that's why-"
"Yes. I did. And I'm going to keep doing it until you help me."
"So you did what? Hire a fake policeman to scare us? Threaten us?"
"No. Not a threat. A warning. This is exactly the sort of situation you could find yourself in if you're not careful. You've been making some very poor decisions recently, but I can help you if you let me."
This whole conversation, as bizarre as it is, is making her feel extremely protective of Kylo. Ironically so, since he's one hundred percent the cause of all of this happening.
Her temper starts to slip away from her before she can catch it.
"Yeah, no shit I've been making some poor decisions. Starting with answering this phone call. Now you'd better leave us the hell alone or-"
"Rey, I need you to listen to me now," the man's voice is cool and even. She instinctively sinks lower in the seat as a random bout of paranoia hits her that they might be being watched right now.
"Your companion is someone I know very well," the voice continues.
She hugs herself and curls up, avoiding looking behind her or out of the windows.
"Okay? So what?" she asks.
"He's not mentally balanced, Rey. He needs help and that's what I'm trying to do for him. For you both."
Gods, he's acting like Kylo psychotic. Which Rey has thoroughly convinced herself that he's not. Eccentric and touched in the head, sure, but certainly not-
"He's not dangerous," she insists. "And he told me that he's gotten better. I certainly believe him over you."
The voice sighs. In the background behind him she can hear what sounds like a hum. An engine, maybe?
"He is dangerous, Rey. Unpredictable, volatile, and he was put under our care for a very good reason. I understand how you think that way, that he's not. He can pretend very well, but you have to believe me that you're not safe with him."
She falls silent. Turning over his words and trying to reject them offhand. This man, whoever he really is, has gone to an extraordinary amount of trouble to find her. That's the part that she keeps getting stuck on.
"Rey? Are you listening to me?"
"Mhhmm."
Another distant sound from his side of the phone. He sounds like he's talking to her while driving. Heading towards them, maybe?
"I want to meet with you. I can explain to you in person, but you have to get away from Kylo first. Can you do that?"
No. She won't. Can't and won't.
"Please believe me that I'm trying to help you. We're trying to help you. We don't want you to become another statistic."
It's too much. Rey refuses to read too far into what he's telling her. Rather, she wants to throw her phone out the window, grab Kylo, and tear away out of the parking lot.
"Are you... implying that he killed someone?"
The words are so strange and foreign to her that she can say them with neutrality. Syllables strung together. They don't carry any meaning because her mind won't allow them to.
"What I'm saying, Rey, is that we don't know what he's done. He's unstable and we're not ruling anything out at this point. And you're about to find yourself in one hell of a lot of trouble if you work with us."
She wants to tell her to go fuck himself. Wants to make him tell her how he knows her name.
But then she forces herself to look in the rearview mirror and sees the police officer slumped on the ground between Kylo's feet and the phone falls right out of her hand.
The voice on the other end says something to her, but its muffled by the synthetic carpeting of the floor panel and Rey is already halfway out the door.
"Kylo!" she shrieks, running up to him as fast as her feet will take her, "what have you done?!"
He glances over his shoulder at her, face completely blank. Then he steps behind the body and bends down, picking him up from under his armpits.
"Take his feet, Rey. We're going to put him back in the car and then get out of here."
She looks around, feeling so frantic and helpless. There is no one in sight, thankfully.
"Is... is he dead?" she whispers. Stepping forward but afraid to touch the body.
Kylo frowns, shooting her an appalled expression. He stands up and makes an "oof" noise as he struggles with the limp weight in his arms.
"What? No, of course he's not. I just knocked him out. He won't remember a thing when he wakes up. Now take his feet."
She hesitantly does. Holding his legs up by the cuff of his pants so she doesn't have to touch his actual body.
Together they heave him into the drivers seat of his squad car. Rey back away and watches as Kylo positions him in place. Snaps his seatbelt around him and closes the door.
She looks around again. Still no one anywhere. At least that she can see.
"We're going to get in trouble for this, Kylo. We can't... even if he's not hurt he's going to know we did something to him. He's going to report it and-"
Kylo turns to her, stopping her in her backwards retreat with a firm hand on her shoulder. Her mind flashes back to everything that was just told to her and she shakes her head at him.
"It's going to be okay, Rey," Kylo promises. "This is a real police car and he's in a real police uniform. Those two put together don't necessarily make him a real police officer."
He's probably right. The other man basically admitted as much that this was a setup. Yet more things for her to lose sleep over.
But first they need to get out of here. That takes priority over everything else.
She nods. Pulling away from him and jogging back to their car. He's right behind her and, the second he closes his door, she puts the car in gear. Drives over the concrete bump marking the edge of the parking lot and fleeing as fast as she can without risking attracting any real police attention to them.
Rey is still on edge that evening.
After the incident, she'd driven more or less on auto pilot. So rattled and wracked with what-ifs that she hardly paid any attention to the road. Kylo had stepped up, clearly having realized that her head was everywhere but between the two white lines that it should be.
He had directed them onto the longest national forest road he could find. This one took them straight toward the high peaks of the mountain range they had been skirting. He'd tried to show her the route on her GPS and she'd glanced at it and nodded with out really seeing it.
The road was perfect, as far as she was concerned. Rough and full of deep, deep ruts and potholes that her old car would have grounded out on. Their new SUV took them flawlessly. Bumping and leaping around in a way that was hell on their shocks but made her start to feel better.
It would be very hard for most cars to drive on this sort of terrain. Hard for anyone to follow them, unless they were in a high ground-clearance vehicle theirs. Like that black pickup truck, but she's not thinking about that.
Just to prove something to herself, she starts taking random side roads. Some smaller, some bigger, each one rougher than the other. Most of them were only marked by a little brown post with a four to six digit code. Their GPS didn't pick those details up, so Kylo gave up after a while and let her do whatever she needed to do.
The sun was almost set and they were about three hours into the thicket of tiny tracks that comprised the western edge of the Gila Mountains Wilderness. Last Rey noticed, they were part way down "Fire Canyon Road".
In the morning, she would want to go on to the end. Explore the canyon and maybe take a walk there to clear her head. In another world, she would have dreamed about seducing Kylo there. Find some private nook free of thorns and pricklies and see how far either of them were willing to take it.
But then was then and now is now. She finds an acceptable and isolated spot to rest the engine and put up for the night and it's more than enough.
It was a small meadow tucked along a U-bend of the road. The grass was dry and golden with the late summer season, but there were no recent tire tracks and both sides of the space were enclosed by boulders.
It made Rey feel protected. Ensconced in on two sides and the butted up right into a rocky cliff at the back. Here, she could see out, but it would be nearly impossible for anyone to see in. And there were no tire tracks, either. Or at least none recent. It was perfect.
Kylo hops out first when their SUV comes to a stop. She watches his stretch his arms over his head and crack his back by twisting from side to side. When he isn't looking, she kisses the logo on the center of the steering wheel. Thanking her car for getting them to here and out of there.
Then she steps out, trailing her hand along the almost uncomfortably-hot hood, and joins Kylo as he starts clearing away loose rocks from a flat space next to an old and overgrown fire ring.
Rey doesn't want a fire that night. She usually does, but not tonight.
Kylo offers. Made overtures to gather the wood and set up everything for her if she wanted him to. But she'd insisted they not have one and he'd seemed to understand. Not needing her to spell out loud her sudden need for secrecy tonight.
Instead they sit outside, watching the sunset and then the gradual progression of the constellations. They sit side by side, talking only rarely, and Rey has to fight the urge to hug him.
There's not a light on the horizon. Not a single one. She is completely and totally alone out here with him. He could do anything he wants to her and no one would ever find her.
That thought should be terrifying. It's not. She doesn't know why it's not, but it just isn't.
She wants to wrap her arms around him and have him hold her tight. Like he did in his dream but this time it won't be so desperate. She wants to cry quietly against his chest and have him rock her like a child.
It's a silly impulse. Not one that a grown woman should entertain, but she doesn't feel very much like an adult at the moment. Rather, she feels like a scared kid who doesn't know what to do with herself half the time.
She's falling hard for him, too. That's such a big part of why she's so messed up right now. Having so little to compare it too, she's pretty sure that her feelings go beyond the depth of a normal crush.
And, even if he's not in her head, he must be able to tell a bit of how anxious her thoughts are. He scoots behind her, wrapping her into his arms from the back, and rests his forehead on her shoulder. At that moment she has to squeeze her eyes shut, claw her nails into her palms, to stop herself from giving him her heart along with the rest of her sanity.
"What's wrong?" he whispers against the shell of her ear, clearly feeling how she's tensed against him.
She can't answer. No way to articulate her emotions because she doesn't even understand them herself.
So she shakes her head. Picks up one of his hands from her arm and holds it in her own.
Everything... gods. It's not fair.
She should be ecstatic. Elated with how full her life has suddenly become. And she is, but the cloud of her inner doubts is casting a shadow over what should be a blissful realization that she's falling in love.
What the other man said is haunting her. She knows Kylo isn't being entirely honest with her. Or even partially. She doesn't think he's ever directly lied to her, but there are gaps. Missing parts to his story and long stretches of silence that leap over something that must be so important that her stalker is being stalked himself.
The things that the other man had said to her are... confusing and horrible. Without directly telling her what's going on, he's somehow managed to drive a wedge between them. Make her doubt everything she never knew about the mysterious man who's holding her so tenderly. Stroking her skin and wanting nothing more than to make her feel better.
Tears threaten to fall but she fights them. Knowing that if Kylo feels them splash against his skin he'd think they were his fault.
Everything again. Her story, his story, and then another version of the truth.
So many pieces to the puzzle are starting to come together, and the picture they paint isn't a pretty one. Before she gets into this any deeper, and it may already be too late, but she just needs to know.
She traces her palm over his hand. Watching how much bigger he is than her in every way. He says nothing as she traces the edges of each finger. What else have these hands done? What is it that he's trying so hard to hide from her?
"Kylo..."
He slides closer to her leg and she stops him. His pinkie traces the outside of her hip and she can feel how hopeful his is. Hopeful but also so scared.
And how ironic is it that he's scared of her? When he's the one whose forced himself into her life time and time again.
"I need you to... no. Okay," she takes a deep breath to collect her thoughts. The faint smile on his lips fades as he watches her intently.
"What's wrong, Rey? Please tell me," he reaches out and brushes a strand of hair off her face. Tucks it behind her ear and her cheek streaks wet but she angles it away from where he can see.
It's hard to find her voice. She knows she just needs to get out with it. Say what she has to say. But it's still so hard.
"Kylo, you've done something really horrible, haven't you? That's why these people are after you?"
She already knows the answer, but none of the details between the lines.
He tenses to her question. She can feel the muscles of his chest contract. And he holds her tighter, wrapping his arms completely around her like he's afraid she's about to run away.
She's not. No matter what his answer is. But she still needs to know.
"I... yes. I have. But I don't want to tell you about it."
For a moment she doesn't react. Her mind skipping stepping stones before falling off into a dead end.
Just what is she supposed to say to that?
Rey starts to cry in earnest. Sobbing against him. He starts rubbing her arms up and down. Warming her and trying to comfort, but never letting her go from his embrace.
"Why not? Why can't you tell me?"
She doesn't want to know what he did. Not right now. She can't handle it right now, but maybe in the morning when the sun is out and she's in her element.
He kisses the spot between her neck and shoulder. It's a simple, chaste kiss but somehow it's far more intimate than anything they've ever done to this point.
"Because I don't want you to know. I don't want you to be afraid of me like everyone else is."
Something inside her breaks. She makes a little noise in her throat and turns in his arms, fighting against the tension of his strength. Then she buries her head against his chest, crying into it because she's not strong enough to face her fears.
Kylo doesn't seem to know how to react. So he just holds her and lets her sob into his shirt.
Minutes go by like that. Rey tries and fails to pull herself together so many times.
He's wrong. The other man was wrong. Kylo is a good one. No matter what he did, it can't be that bad. It just can't. This is not how their story is going to end. She has to believe in him.
Finally, she nods. Coming to her decision.
That's it then. She's going to believe in him.
His grip slackens and she cuddles into it. Embracing him in a way that's not as desperately needy as before.
He's confused. She can tell without even looking at him. But, just like yesterday in the watchtower, they've passed another pivotal crossroad in their relationship. This was the closest she's ever come to leaving. Even more than when he'd told her that he'd been following her. And once again she has made the same decision that she did before.
Progress.
He still doesn't know, though. So she tips her head up and nuzzles his chin. Smelling his skin and buying herself time as she works up her nerve to say it to him. He cradles her head, stroking her hair and smoothing it back along her neck.
"Kylo?"
Her voice is still muffled against his snotty shirt. She'll have to wash it for him in the morning.
Rather than answering, the hands petting her head shift direction. Letting her know he heard her and is waiting for her to continue.
Rey struggles to make herself say the words. Her mind and her heart both reeling after such a horrid day. Of course she could simply open her thoughts to him, show him what she's thinking. But she wants to say it out loud. It's important that she does so that it's out there and she can't go back on it.
She tries again, pulling her head up off him just enough so she can speak clearly.
"Kylo. I'm glad you're here. I'm... I'm glad that we met and that you're here with me now and I'm not alone."
The hands in her hair still. She hears the tiny sound of his lips parting. That little wet noise, followed by his chest rising as he takes in a breath.
But then he seems to think better of it. Pulls her to him again and simply holds her tight. And they sit like that in perfect silence until her eyes eventually drift shut.
It's only one more day before the full moon.
Rey is wide awake again, and, judging by the brightness and positioning in the sky, it's a little past midnight. Kylo must have carried her into her tent, but she doesn't remember that at all.
She keeps forgetting things around him. Things that she should remember but doesn't. He's shown her what he can do, but what if there's more? What if he's actually been controlling her? Only letting her remember the things that he wants her to?
What if the other man was right? What if he really is dangerous?
She doesn't want to believe it. Kylo has scared her on many occasions but... no. In his heart of hearts he is a good person. She's as sure of that as she is of anything.
Tomorrow, maybe, she'll tell him about the phone call. Tell him what was told to her. Ask him if any of it is true or why these people are hunting him so much.
Or maybe... maybe she'll find out another way. She has the redheaded man's phone number. He had given it to her when they'd first met. Maybe she can get away somewhere and talk to him herself. Grill him and find out the holes in his story then piece them together and figure out what his real agenda is.
She's already made up her mind, now she just has to figure out what to do about it. No matter what anyone says, what they tell her or show her, she's going to be on his side. If he is crazy or... has done something wrong, then she'll find a way to help him. She owes them both that much.
Kylo stirs against her. Cuddling her tight and she presses her forehead against his chest. He smells like cheap Dollar Tree laundry detergent and Dial soap. Underneath that he smells like himself.
It must be pheromones because, the longer she breathes him in, the warmer she starts to feel. It makes her skin prickle. Feeling hypersensitive to every part of their bodies where they're touching. Even the gentle weight of his breath against her is compelling.
She leans her head up and kisses his nonresponsive mouth. Kisses him again and again and again until his eyelids flicker open.
He pulls his head back just out of reach and stares down at her. Eyebrow raised and forehead pulled together.
"Rey?"
Gods, even his voice makes her tingle. Deeper and scratchier from waking than his usual.
"I meant it, Kylo," she tells him. Whispering to not break the quiet of the moment and all the while fighting against the urge to kiss him again. "I'm so glad you're here with me."
He looks no less confused. The hand on her back rubs her in circles.
"Were you... kissing me in my sleep?"
She laughs under her breath. Go figure that would be that part he was most interested in.
"Yup. I sure was."
"...why?"
"Because you looked so damned kissable."
To prove her point, she leans forward. Chases his mouth with her own.
This time he kisses her right back. Moving his lips against her and immediately trying to slip inside her mouth. Eager and hopeful and oh much she knows that feeling herself. She opens up for him and sucks on his tongue, coaxing it in deeper.
He groans, flexing his hands against her and she can tell he's fighting with himself to keep going slow. The sound is so decadent to her ears. Feeling it reverberating deep within her and she knows she'd better put a stop to this right now or else.
So she pulls back. Patting his chest and this time it's her mouth that dodges his as he tries to lean back in and keep going.
"Well... goodnight."
He stares at her, wide eyed. She smiles sweetly back.
Then he relents. Arms going slack against her.
"You're a crazy girl," he mutters, shaking his head and uncomfortably shifting in their bed. But he lets her wrap herself around him again. Drape herself over him and hold him close. Rey closes her eyes and for the second time that day falls asleep to nothing but the sound of his heartbeat against her ear.
Author's note:
Don't worry, lovelies, I like happy endings. Or at least semi-happy ones.
And sorry Rey, you can't win them all. Sometimes Kylo is going to wake you up all horny, and sometimes his Koontz-esque nightmares make the sleepy boy need a comfort squeeze. He just crushes a little too hard since he's got all kinds of issues and is afraid his favorite little squishy bear will try to run away from him again.
Also a huge epic thank you to everyone who commented or gave feedback! This fic will be back with chapter 13 in late March/April but I'm hoping to do some 1-shots for Star Wars and Lucifer in the interim, so I hope you'll check them out if you're interested!
And finally a huge THANK YOU to LindseyintheSkywithDiamonds who made a wonderful picture for this fic:
post/157075503980/if-you-havent-read-this-fic-yet-do-it-now-im
I got so ridiculously excited when I saw it (first art I've ever gotten for my stories!) so thank you so much! It's amazing!