Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.

Many thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for the beta skills. And free servings of snark. And to pomme_de_terre for the pre-reading and general awesomeness.

Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing.

Two characters in this chapter were inspired by Kristin Hazzard and TwiHusband.

Quick AN about Tanya: Tanya teases Edward in this story - but she's not after him. She has accepted that he's in love with Bella and just likes giving the man a hard time. If she didn't support their relationship, she wouldn't be taking the time to visit Charlie.

Snarky Summary: Sorry about the time between posting. RL got crazy and Tanya was being difficult. So . . . last chapter Edward attempted to put his foot down about Bella's safety. Foot being the operative word. Bella is not amused. She doesn't seem to understand that everything Edward does (Fake sacrificing animals to Satan, shopping at Wal-Mart) is for her benefit. What? Stop snorting. Deviants. Edward drops Bella off on a shopping excursion and marks his territory so Jake will know once and for all that she is HIS. I mean, off limits. I mean engaged. Yeah, that's it. So no kissing, Skunk Ventura. The pack get one whiff of her and despite them being supernatural bad-asses and all, run shrieking like little girls in terror from Bella. Cowards. Jake turns to pot as a coping mechanism for the vamp-stench that emanates from Bella. Gus and Douglas decide to interfere with that great plan. What can I say? They got the munchies. It happens. *snorts* Now we have two stoned animals. But relax. They didn't inhale. Really. *blinks* Bill Clinton would be proud. *wipes away venom tear.*

The Cullens have heavenly visitors in the form of two different pairs of missionaries from differing denominations. The newborns almost take a bite out of the divine. To save the missionaries, Edward starts tearing clothing. Except it's not Bella's. Or his. Alas. Alack. But for the record, he was in the missionary position at the time. So that counts for something. Right? *runs* At least his *clears throat* heart is in the right place. Sorta. Kinda.

Things you need to remember from past chapters are as follows. Edward is following Marcus' master plan to win Bella away from that scum-sucking weed huffing toad Jacob Black. Tanya has offered to bring her sisters and pay Charlie a visit to um . . . welcome him to the family. And pay him back for making Bella cry. She's awesome that way. Gus and Douglas and assorted animals have been helping Edward. As our story begins, we find Edward sitting in his car accompanied by his stoned minions.

Chapter Twelve – You Dropped A Bomb on Me

Sitting in my car, my disillusioned woman at my side, I reflected on how awesome my life was. Not everyone had friends, furry ones, that were kind enough to munch marijuana. For spiteful purposes. I mean that was a gateway drug, for crying out loud. They risked turning into junkies. For me. Now that is friendship above and beyond the call of duty.

Gus and Douglas were singing to each other in the back seat. I'm not sure what, and it was decidedly off-key. But they seemed to be having a jolly good time.

"Edward, I'm worried about them," Bella peered over her shoulder at the back seat.

"Why?"

"You saw them eat drugs. And the singing."

"Well, yes. I did. What about the singing bothers you?"

"They're humming Metallica."

Right. That. They must have been hanging around Aro too long. I never listened to Metallica. Unlike Aro, I had taste. I turned up the classical music on the radio.

Douglas and Gus were leaning against each other, beatific smiles on their faces.

I sighed. "We need to take them to a vet."

"In Forks? How do you plan on doing that without us both getting arrested by my dad?"

"Why would he be arresting us?"

"How would we explain two animals high on marijuana, Edward?" Silly Bella. Tricks are for vampires. We'd totally blame Jacob. Of course. Not that I could tell her that ahead of time. But still. It was the thought that counted.

"Relax." I kissed her forehead. "I happen to know one nearby who won't ask too many questions." I dialed Emmett on my cell phone.

He answered, chortling. "Is the dog dead?" Thank God, Bella could not hear him.

"Unfortunately, no." Come to think of it, I could see Jake's head resting on a garland of poppies and daisies. Victoria would be proud.

"No! Not like that. You move like this!" Emmett shouted at someone. "Sorry," he huffed into the receiver, "helping teach the newborns how to fight."

"I require your veterinarian skills and your discretion." Emmett had done a stint in veterinary school and had almost graduated. Until he met his second singer. Ugly mess that. Way to totally ruin an oral exam, Mr. Big Mouth Appetite. We had to flee that night because he drank his brand new instructor in five seconds flat. And really, who timed how long it took to kill a hapless human? My brother had issues.

"Edward, who are you calling?" Bella asked.

"Emmett."

"What?" Emmett said in the phone.

"Sorry Emmett, I was explaining to Bella that I was talking to you."

"Right. Got it. What do you need me for?" Emmett bellowed, "No! Not like that! Hit me harder! C'mon! You're a newborn! Fight like one!" Emmett roared. I heard shrieking and growling on the other end of the phone.

"My friends Gus and Douglas."

"The gopher and the squirrel?"

"Yes. They're high."

Emmett held his tongue for almost a minute.

"Now this I gotta see. Bring 'em."

"On our way." I pressed the accelerator to the floor. This was a minion emergency. Speed limits be damned. Not like I obeyed them anyway – except when Bella was in the car. Mostly.

"Edward," Bella gritted.

"Yes?" I acted oblivious to the glares she directed at the speedometer.

"If we get pulled over by a police officer, what do you plan on saying?"

"We won't," I pointed to my forehead, "I can hear with my gift. We're fine."

When we drove up the driveway, Emmett and Rosalie were waiting by the garage.

Emmett grabbed the door handle in his large hand and gently opened the car, squinting at the animals. He sniffed. And then looked askance at Bella and me.

"Um, Edward, have you and Bella been doing drugs?" He sounded scandalized."I thought you were kidding about the high part." Douglas waved at Emmett and blew him a raspberry. Gus started giggling.

Bella gawped. And then ruined it by looking guilty.

"No." I sniffed at him indignantly. I mean really. What good would smoking marijuana do me? I was immortal. It's not like it would loosen me up. Now sex, on the other hand. With Bella? Now that . . . oh, never mind. Must stop thinking about sex. And hands. And a very naked Bella.

Rosalie asked, "Then how did you end up with two stoned animals?" Staring at her prune face was enough to erase my arousal. My sister, Rosalie, best birth control ever. Hands down.

Bella rushed to my defense. "Jake had a joint. I told him that I didn't want him smoking it in front of me. Gus and Douglas took it from him and ate it to keep him from smoking it."

So there. I was not a weed eater. Smoker. Toker. Taker. Whatever.

Douglas cheeped, stuck a paw in the sky, and did the equivalent of giggling at Gus. He wobbled as he walked. Rosalie scrunched her nose and moved to pick up Douglas. No fool he, the squirrel leaped for Emmett. Gus ran and hid behind Bella, clutching against her pant leg.

Emmett asked, "How much did they eat?"

"Perhaps one bite each?"

"Well, I think they'll be fine. Just let it wear off."

"Thank you for looking at them."

"Sure thing." Emmett began to wander toward the back yard.

Bella wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed my chest, leaning her head against me. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Having Emmett make sure they are okay."

"Anything for you." I stroked her hair.

The black-garbed newborns, chasing Aro and Jasper, came screeching around the house from the backyard like a horde of barbarians about to sack a city. They were mimicking Emmett's aggressive poses.

The girl with the safety pins in her lip sniffed the air and shouted, "Weed!"

The others started chanting, "Weed! Weed! Weed! We want weed!"

Emmett threw up his hands. "No! You are supposed to practice looking scary and fighting."

Aro asked, "What are my children asking for?"

I answered, "Access to a substance humans inhale that is illegal."

Airily, Aro waved a hand. "I kill people for mid-morning snacks. I scoff at such laws."

Carlisle said, "It would threaten our standing in the community if you were discovered."

Aro clapped his hands. "Children! Be silent!" Their chanting halted. Aro waved a finger and continued, "We must not bring trouble to dear Carlisle's door."

Father said, "Thank you, Aro."

"I think," Marcus suggested, "this calls for a road trip."

My phone chirped. It was a text from Tanya. I felt kind of guilty looking at it while I had my arm around Bella. Like I was conversationally cheating on her.

Are you alone, you bad man?

No.

Typical.

What do you need?

Nothing you're willing to give, sadly. We must plan. I don't think you want Bella around for that. Her virgin ears!

Good point.

Send her shopping.

She loathes shopping.

Are you *sure* she's female?

Very.

Did you play doctor with her?

That would not be your business. Shameless hussy.

Naughty lad.

Zip it, harpy. Give me a minute to text Alice.

So I did what any reasonable vampire would do. Fingers flying at vampire speed, I went running to my family. I texted Alice and groveled. Take Bella out for a few hours. Please? I'll buy you lots of things.

Not a problem, my sister responded. You have excellent taste when I do the shopping for you.

Alice bounced on her tip toes and said to Bella, "Oh, Bella, we have a wedding to plan. We're going wedding dress hunting!"

My tricky sister used a different word than shopping. Smart.

"But I thought we had one?" Bella stammered.

"We do."

"So why am I getting another? We spent hours finding the first one."

"I just want one as a back-up in case something happens to the first one. You never know with all these wolves around. I have to plan for these things."

Bella's eyes widened. Evil to the core, Alice added in the coup de grace, "Let's ask Angela, too." And like that, my bride was swept away. For matrimonial purposes.

Aro and Demetri and the Guard took the rest of the newborns hunting in the forest.

Tanya and her sisters arrived once Marcus had left to run errands and the coast was clear.

"Darling!" Tanya air-kissed my cheek. Thank God. Goodness knows where those lips have been. "You look slightly less repressed!"

"Tanya, Irina, Kate, thank you." I was going to ignore that repressed comment.

"So, what did this Charlie do to anger you?" Irina asked.

"He made my bride weep when we informed him of our intention to wed."

"How rude?" Kate could never understand rudeness. "Why?"

I grumbled. "He thinks we are too young for marriage."

Tanya emitted an inelegant snort, and she poked my shoulder. "So tell him your actual age. Problem solved."

"Then I'd have to bite or, God forbid, kill him."

"And?" Kate raised an eyebrow. "He's rude. What would be your problem with that?"

"Bella just lost her mother. I cannot kill her only surviving parent." Perhaps I sounded a bit sanctimonious just then.

"True," Kate huffed. Irina glanced at me like I was going soft in my old age. Soft in terms of morals not anything else. Sicko.

"Besides," I continued, "we'll be turning Bella after the wedding, so she won't see him again. I only need Chief Swann shown his place before the ceremony so he behaves until then."

Irina smiled, "Consider it done. No biting. No killing. Who are they?" She pointed to Douglas and Gus.

"My friends. They assist me in tormenting the wolves."

Tanya cooed and picked up Gus, who was drugged enough to ignore his instincts. He snuggled against her hand, a sure sign he was out of his tiny little mind.

"How adorable!" Tanya giggled. "His fur is so soft." Douglas lay on the ground and showed her his belly in a centerfold pose. Whore. Okay fine, that was harsh. He was heavily medicated, and admittedly, Tanya never charged. Slut seemed much better. See what happens when drugs are involved? Next thing I know Douglas'll be selling himself for weed and nuts with Gus as his pimp. I paused when I saw the avaricious gleam in Tanya's eye.

"Please don't eat my friend or turn him into a stole."

"Don't be silly, dear. He's going to help me with Charlie. Aren't you?"

Gus nodded and smiled.

Douglas jumped on Irina's shoulder and began stroking her face with his tail. Irina found it amusing.

"Edward, do they have names?"

"Douglas, and that's Gus." I pointed to the gopher.

Tanya crooned, "Would you like to help me play a joke? I hear you are really good at being assistants."

Both minions nodded.

"Excellent!" Tanya grinned. "Here, have a breath mint." We can't have you smelling of pot around the Chief. Can we?"

Both animals shook their heads, "No."

Really. Nothing said, I loathe you more than siccing the Denali Sisters on a deserving enemy. Charlie Swan had made my beloved mate cry. Twice. That was unacceptable. Ergo, since I could not dispatch him to the Great Beyond – undead or otherwise – my cousins would have to suffice. They had easily scared me into celibacy.

Tanya wondered, "You want suffering, yes?"

"Mental more than physical," I qualified. "It has to be done in a way that will not lead back to me or offend the sensibilities of my bride should she discover it."

Irina sulked, "There goes my idea."

"What did you want to do?" I asked.

"Force him to work naked in the Gulag burying corpses from the prison." Her smile was ghastly. I'm now making a mental note never to get on Irina's bad side.

I scolded, "He's human, Irina. He would freeze before he dug the first grave. That might distress Bella."

With a winsome smile, Irina asked, "Can I turn him first?"

"No. He'd be the dumbest vampire ever." I don't even want to ponder what would happen if his love of fishing was magnified.

Tanya tapped her fingers, "Does he have any health conditions that I need to know about?"

"Aside from being stubborn and stupid? No."

Toying with her nails, Tanya suggested, "I think it is best if you not know what I have planned. Just make sure that Bella is occupied and away from the house."

"Alice and Mother are under orders to do that. She won't be a problem."

"So, Edward," Kate teased, "Do you like to watch?"

"In this case, I'll put my principles aside."

"I suggest lurking in the forest outside his house. Phase one of the plan is already in place."

"What was that?"

"We had a box of doughnuts delivered to him. Human police officers like those, from what we've heard."

"What's the catch?"

"They were drugged."

"With what?"

"A laxative. A strong one," Irina crinkled her nose in distaste.

Tanya chirped, "Oh, could you tell Marcus that I need him to pay a call on his long-lost cousin in two hours?"

I texted Marcus who seemed to think that was a fine idea. Okay fine. Perhaps I'm stretching the truth a little.

Marcus, would you mind paying a call on Charlie in a few hours?

Why would I need to?

Tanya wants you to.

I'm not having sex with anyone, Edward.

No. Gracious. That's not what she wants.

You're sure? There aren't any barnyard animals involved?

I snorted. He must be pulling my leg. Tanya and animals? Wait. This was Tanya we were texting about.

She just wants you to play the role of his uptight cousin. That's all.

And what, specifically does she need me to do? I draw the line at seducing Charles.

I asked Tanya, "Marcus would like to know what role you need him to play?"

She batted her eyelashes at me. "My bitch?"

"Uh-uh," I wagged a finger at her. "Not an option." Not sorry.

Tanya huffed. "Fine. Spoilsport. You mentioned he was posing as a relation of Charlie's right?"

"I did. And he is."

"Tell him I simply need him to pay a visit and play that role. I'll do my best to keep my hands off him." She sighed. "He does have a cute ass."

I repeated that message. Save the "cute posterior" part.

Tanya continued, "Tell him to be uptight. That should not be too hard."

I reworded that message. Because even I am not that stupid. I wrote, Tanya suggested playing the role of the moral visitor.

Consider it done.

"Sisters!" Tanya enthusiastically clapped her hands. "Off to create mayhem!" The Denali women piled into their car. I followed them and parked in a church parking lot two blocks from the Swan domicile. Following instructions, I found a good spot in the forest and Gus and I took our places to watch the entertainment. Using my gift, I found that Charlie was clutching a soda can and rubbing his forehead.

"Wow. I shouldn't have had that fourth doughnut," he bellyached.

The doorbell rang.

Then he muttered, "Oh, what the hell?"

The doorbell rang again.

"Can't a man take a crap in peace?" Charlie grumbled. He opened the door. And regarded his company like a simpleton, lips flapping soundlessly.

A black wig covered Tanya's reddish hair. She wore a leather dress cut low enough to make her look like an even naughtier version of Elvira. Kate wore a nurse uniform – the old fashioned kind. Scratch that. A satire of the old fashioned kind. She had the hat perched over a platinum blond wig she'd styled into an up-do. I definitely don't remember the skirts being that short, or nurses wearing stockings like that.

God help me. Irina was going to give the man a heart attack. She wore a brown wig styled in pigtails and had on a cheerleading uniform from the Seahawks. Probably shorter than they wore.

"Um," Charlie flushed and stammered. He wondered what three smoking hot women were doing on his doorstep. They looked a little old to be friends with Bella.

Well, for an imbecile, that observation was stunningly astute.

He finally managed to bleat, "Can I help you?"

"Are you Charles Swan?" Kate asked.

"Yes."

"Jake sent us."

"He what? Why?"

Tanya stroked her fingers across his cheek. "We're your dates for the night. Aren't you a cutie. We're going to have so much fun!"

Irina said, "I'm Suzette, and this is Inga," she pointed at Tanya, "and Eve," she gestured to Kate. Tanya pushed Charlie back with a finger and the three women walked into his house and shut the door. Mrs. Pearson across the street called Mrs. Stanley, worried that Charlie was procuring the services of hookers. Three hookers. At the same time. Mrs. Stanley went into hysterics. Within minutes word was all over town. Thank God Bella was far away. And Alice had arranged for their cell phones to be off.

Charles nervously chuckled as Tanya toyed with his hair. Irina purred, "We get to have you all to ourselves, you bad man, you."

"Jesus Christ. I can't have hookers in my house," Charlie mentally yelped. He cleared his throat and said, "Ladies, I am the police chief. I think there's been some misunderstanding. I can't use the services of prostitutes."

All three women narrowed their eyes, sucked in air in outrage and glared at him. "You think we are prostitutes?" Irina huffed.

"You mean you aren't?" Charlie blurted.

"We have no intention of having sex with you." Well, that was absolutely true. Even they had standards. They'd do the pack before Charlie. They wanted him to suffer. Not die with a smile on his face.

Tanya sniffed, "If I were one, you wouldn't be able to afford two minutes with me."

"Are you strippers?" Charlie looked at their outfits again.

Even more ice was directed towards Chief Swan. All three women growled.

Charlie looked around to see if an animal had wondered into his house. "What the heck is that noise?"

"We are here to help you with your love life," Tanya explained haughtily. "We understand you haven't had sex in seventeen years."

Fine. Sue me. When I saw Charlie's reaction, I high-fived Gus. Twice.

A beet-red Charlie mumbled, "Be right back." He bolted for the bathroom. Five minutes later, he wobbled into the living room.

"I can see talking about your sex life is distressing. Don't worry, by the time we're done with you, you'll be a dating champ!" Tanya cooed.

Irina handed him a soda. "Here, you look like you need one."

"Thanks," he greedily downed a sip. Or nine.

"So Charlie, why are you celibate?" Kate asked.

"Um, well, uh," he stammered and shifted around in his chair. "Well, I never met anyone that could compare to Renée, my ex-wife. And she didn't want me." He hung his head.

"Oh, how sad." Kate blinked at him.

Irina patted his arm, "You need to try. Being celibate that long is not healthy."

Tanya said, "Research shows that having regular orgasms increases your immune system." She should know. She hadn't been sick in centuries. Physically, that is. At this rate, if that figure was true, she'd never die.

Irina patted his arm. "You have some catching up to do seeing as you've been out of the game for a while. But don't worry, that's what we're here for."

Tanya opened a bag. Douglas peered up at her from the bottom of the sack. "One second, darling," she crooned at vampire pitch, stroking his head. Not that head. Degenerates. She reached into the bag and boasted, "We're experts in teaching sex tips to men." That, alas, was true. Not that I knew from personal experience.

"What's this?" Charlie looked at the box she placed on the coffee table.

"It's a vibrator. Listen up."

"Uh, be right back," Charlie scurried from the room. Ten minutes later, he returned. "Excuse me. Something I ate is bothering me." He rubbed his abdomen.

Charlie mentally groused, "Jeez, I all but exploded in the bathroom. I hope they don't have to go anytime soon."

"I'm sure it's just stress," Kate soothed.

Charles passed gas and tried to disguise it with a bout of coughing. Bad coughing. "So what's with the outfits?" he asked.

"It's for role-playing exercises," Tanya answered.

Charlie gulped his soda to take care of that dry mouth problem.

"Don't worry, Charlie. We'll eventually teach you how to use this little guy." Tanya held up Douglas.

"That's a squirrel."

"Oh, I know." She stroked Douglas' fur.

"What the heck would I do with that? Do women expect me to have one?"

Tanya whispered in Charlie's ear. Something too vile to repeat.

Chief Swan yelped, "You want me to put that squirrel where?" Then he fainted.

Irina gently slapped his face. "Wake up, Charlie. We were just getting to the good part."

A knock sounded at the door. Charlie moaned and tried to get to his feet.

"I'll get it," Irina offered.

"Thanks," Charlie lay sprawled on the floor, his head in Tanya's lap. Kate was feeding him grapes one by one. Sex toys and Douglas were scattered on the shag carpet around them. Along with a box of condoms. Two of the wrappers were torn and empty.

Irina opened the door. "Why, hello!" She chirped. "What can I do for you?"

Marcus, dressed in a suit and polished wingtips, said, "Is Charlie here?"

"Oh, yes," Irina winked at him. "Come right in."

Two women stood beside Marcus.

"Who might you be?" Tanya asked while stroking a mortified Charlie. Marcus made a point of staring at the condom wrappers.

The women took note of the room, and the sex toys, and the outfits of the Denali sisters.

One said, "I'm Myrtle."

The other piped up, "I'm Regina."

Myrtle said, "We got a call that you were in need of religion. We're Jehovah's witnesses and would like to talk to you."

The doorbell rang. Again.

Tanya trilled, "I'll get it!" and opened the door to find the gawping faces of Elder Thompson and Elder Weekes. "Mmm mmm, don't you two just look good enough to eat!" She licked her lips.

"Did we come to a costume party?" Elder Weekes asked. "Elvira, right?"

Tanya giggled and whispered, "You caught me! Come on in! Take off your coats!" She muttered under her breath at a pitch humans could not hear, "And your shirts. And your pants."

The doorbell sounded. Again.

"Hon, be a dear and get it for me?" Tanya asked Elder Thompson. The man politely nodded and opened the door to find my vampire parents. Esme had a crock pot full of chicken soup in both hands.

"Why hello there, Elder Thompson. Did you hear about Charlie? We came bearing food for the poor dear."

"Hello, Mrs. Cullen. We received a message that he was in need of a visit from us so we came as soon as we could."

"That's so nice of you! How about coming to dinner when you are done here?"

"You make the best meatloaf. I'd be honored, Ma'am." Great. I was going to have to work overtime to keep the naïve young man from becoming a newborn chew toy. I had a hard time imagining the young men as vampires. Too wholesome.

Mother led the way into the living room, followed by Carlisle and Elder Weekes and Thompson. Mother gracefully ignored the sex toys strewn across the room. Elder Weekes was not so lucky. He tripped over a, ahem, plastic ring of the nature of which I would have no idea, - really - and stumbled onto a container of lube. Three containers actually. Billy and Jake picked that moment to walk in the house.

While Mr. Black was distracted at the spectacle before him, Jake saw Douglas, extended a trembling finger like some prophet out of the Old Testament and shrieked, "That's the squirrel that stole my weed!"

Elder Weekes decided that removing the lube from his shoes really wasn't that important right now. This poor young man needed spiritual counseling. He clenched his jaw and prepared to set Jacob straight. Drugs were wrong.

Douglas waved at Jake with his claws and did the squirrel equivalent of blowing raspberries at him. Then he raised his middle digit at him.

Jake growled, began shaking, and lunged. Idiot.

Effortlessly, Irina batted him aside. Through the front window. Douglas let out a squirrel scream and leaped on Marcus' shoulder.

Charlie looked out his broken front window at Jake, who was spread-eagled across the lawn like a murder victim in need of a chalk outline. "Jake, are you stoned?" I suppose it didn't occur to anyone to ask after Jacob's physical welfare even though he just sailed through a window and all. Pity.

"No," Jake sulked. "He stole my weed!" Jake gestured at Marcus – well, at the squirrel – the still stoned squirrel who casually waved at Jake with his paw. And winked.

"Squirrels don't smoke pot, Jake. Don't be ridiculous. You must be stoned to come up with that as an explanation."

Tanya decided to help. "Do you have any idea of what that drug does to your sexual performance?" She sounded aghast.

Jake peered down at his crotch. He had wondered why Quileute Thunder didn't want to play lately.

Quileute Thunder? Talk about delusions of grandeur. More like Weeping Whistle.

Kate picked up her cue from her sister and said, "It will make you impotent for life."

Elder Weekes and Thompson didn't want to be left out of this conversation. "It impairs the mind. It pulls you away from God. Your body is your temple."

Regian and Myrtle said, "We'll pray for you. Our work here is done." They tossed a few pamphlets at Jake on their way off of the lawn.

Charlie bolted for the bathroom. When the door slammed, Jake rose to his feet and snarled at Tanya, "Who the fuck are you? And what are you doing here?"

Carlisle glanced meaningfully at the missionaries and said, "Manners, Jacob."

"We're dating consultants."

"Who hired you? The Cullens?" Jake queried.

Tanya smirked, "You hired us to help Charlie. Remember?"

Billy blinked in confusion and asked, "By dating him?" As Jake bellowed, "The hell I did!"

"No, we're teaching him how to please women. From an academic standpoint," she added for the religious audience. "He is in need of a wife." Both Elder Weekes and Thompson blushed.

"Sit down, boys," Irina said, "You might learn a thing or two."

Billy thought, "Well, it can't hurt. He's gotten more action from fish."

Aloud, Billy said to his son, "Jake? Did you do this?"

He squealed, "I didn't. I swear!"

His father glowered, "You've been sneaking around doing drugs. I'm having a hard time believing you."

Tanya held out her phone to Billy. "Here's the email." Thank you, Jasper for your hacking skills. Billy skimmed the screen and his shoulders sagged as he shook his head at his wastrel progeny.

Jake was not going down – well – ever if I had any say in the matter. But I digress . . . Jake was not going down without a fight. Like a boxer that was too addled to realize that he'd been knocked to the ground, he whined, "What would I pay them with? I don't have money! That proves I'm telling the truth."

"You have money to purchase drugs." Elder Thompson pointed out. His cohort coughed to hide a laugh, composed his features to one of appropriate opprobrium and chimed in, "Good point."

Kate held out her phone to show another email to Billy. "We volunteered our services as Jake expressed financial hardship in his email to us."

"Crap!" Jake thought, "How do I get out of this?"

Billy shook his head sadly at his son. He needed to have a come to Jesus talk with the boy.

Then, the fun really started, as Chief Swan made his way back to the living room. A knock sounded at the door. A bemused Charlie marveled, "I've lived here twenty years and never had this many visitors in one day." He opened the door to find the stenchettes – I mean the wolf pack– standing on his doorstep. Clothed. Sort of. Wearing nothing but ratty shorts and hubris. They had left the baby oil at home.

"What can I do for you?" Charlie asked.

Sam studied Charlie warily. "Jake texted us that we needed to stop by."

Jake stomped his foot like a toddler whining in the check out aisle for a treat, "I didn't!" He clenched his hands into fists and appeared constipated.

Sam extended his phone. "Really?"

Billy said, "All this drug use has made you forgetful. It's rotting your brain." The missionaries shook their heads in agreement.

Sam growled at Jake, "Drug use? Start talking. "

Jake held up his palms entreating. "Nothing serious. Just some weed."

Paul grumbled at Tanya and her sisters before he lost all semblance of self-control and wailed, "Demon leeches!" He started quivering as if he would phase.

At wolf pitch, Sam snapped in the alpha tone, "You will not make a scene. You will not phase!"

Charlie shook his head at Jake and sighed, "Carlisle, why don't you tell Jake about what drugs do to the body?"

Father didn't think that Jake would listen to anything that he had to say, so he artfully dodged that request. "There is a drug education program that the hospital runs. I can get Jake a place in it."

"I think that's a good idea." Charlie beamed.

Jake wailed, "You're sending me to rehab over weed?"

"No," Carlisle explained. "This is not rehab. It's a series of classes that meet once a week on Friday nights. It is meant to educate those with drug problems."

Billy took one arm. Sam put his hand on Jake's shoulder. "You're going!" Both men barked.

"But – " Jake spluttered.

"Do what your father says!" Sam seethed.

Jake crossed his arms over his chest and jerked his head toward Chief Swan. "This is so unfair. He's got strippers here, and I'm the one with the problem?"

Tanya narrowed her eyes. You could feel the frost coming from her. "We are dating coaches. Not strippers."

"You're fucking leeches!" Paul snarled at wolf pitch.

Irina did a fantastic job of studying Paul as if he were an idiot and saying, "Who we let in our bed is none of your concern. Does Jesus know you are obsessed with our sex lives?"

Paul blanched. Then stared at the floor and stammered, "Um, uh, well, um, no."

Carlisle remonstrated, "Paul, please calm down and look at their eyes. Notice they are not maroon." Sam, responding to a signal from Carlisle, put aside his supernatural enemy business and asked Charlie, "Say, can you show me your latest stuffed fish?" He pointed to the collection hanging from the wall.

"Sure. I got a cool one last week."

At wolf pitch, Paul whined, "They might hypnotize me and make me sleep with them."

Tanya said at vampire pitch, "You couldn't get that lucky."

"Well, she could be wearing fake eyes. I mean contacts."

"True." Tanya shrugged. She leaned forward. "Want to check my eyes to see if I am?"

"No, lady, you'll do that voodoo magic with your eyes."

"Not with me here, they won't." I loved how Carlisle didn't bother denying that they could do the impossible. "As indicated by their irises, you can tell that they live off of an animal diet. You might want to show my guests more respect."

Paul blinked, "Why? They're just girls."

Esme smiled at Paul and said at vampire pitch, "The older the vampire, the more powerful he or she is. Carlisle is the oldest in our coven."

"So?" Paul snorted.

"Tanya is over a thousand years old as are her sisters. They could break you with one hand." Esme seemed entertained at the notion. From his position trapped in front of a stuffed bass, Sam whispered at supernatural pitch, "Jacob, Paul, you will not engage those women."

Paul sniped, "I would never offer them a ring. Jesus would not approve."

"That's not what he meant," Kate chuckled. "He meant don't try to fight us, little boy."

The doorbell rang. I looked at Gus and said, "Oh, this is going to be good." We peered around a Sitka spruce to watch. Tanya opened the door this time. It was Mrs. Adcock and her brownie troop.

The young girls in the front shouted, "We're selling raffle tickets!" Then they all squealed high enough to set my teeth on edge.

"Well, isn't that just precious," Tanya caroled as Mrs. Adcock's jaw dropped as she took in Tanya's outfit.

It took all my willpower not to laugh at Mrs. Adcock's thoughts. How does she get her boobs to look like that? I totally need a new bra. I had no idea Charlie was dating again. Poor Renée's death must have hit him hard. He's entertaining whores.

Irina stepped forward, causing Mrs. Adcock to goggle. Irina said, "We are going to buy some of those tickets. It is for a good cause, yes? I like supporting young women."

Tanya said, "We're buying raffle tickets, then. It's only right." She pulled a fifty dollar bill out from her cleavage and handed it to Mrs. Adcock. "Here."

"So that's her secret," Mrs. Adcock harrumphed. "She stuffs her bra with money. Who knew?" It was a very good thing Tanya could not read minds.

"Sam!" Paul blurted and tugged on his alpha's sleeve, "We can't let the leeches show us up! Jesus would not approve."

Sam pulled out a twenty. He said to Paul, "Knock yourself out."

My least favorite Christian scurried out the door chasing after the retreating girl scouts. Perhaps Sam wasn't completely dumb. Carlisle and Esme left taking the missionaries with them. Charlie emerged from the bathroom in time for the doorbell to ring again. He opened it to find a marching band standing in the street. Irina in her cheerleader outfit leaned over his shoulder and whispered in his ear. "I never knew you were so popular, Charles."

The bandleader said, "We were hired to serenade you."

"By whom?"

Opening up a wadded piece of paper, the band director read, "Says Jacob Black paid for this. In cash."

Charlie glared at Jake. "I didn't!" the young pup insisted.

"Dude!" The tuba player hissed to his buddy and ogled Irina. "Check out the rack on her! Chief Swan has a fine stripper girlfriend."

Kate came to the doorway wearing a smirk.

"Man, he's got two! That man is a freak!" the trombone player whispered. Several kids started coughing to hide their laughter. A few took pictures with their phones. They all posted them to Facebook. Chief Swan was their hero. They all wanted to be him when they grew up. Marvelous.

That bassoon player reverently said, "He is the shit." Indeed. Truer words were never spoken.

Chief Swan said, "Um, guys, what's up?"

The band director said, "We are going to start now with "Eye of the Tiger."

"Um, thanks." Charlie blushed.

I found a new weapon the Volturi could use to torture hapless immortals: the Forks High School marching bad. They were cheerfully ghastly. Out of tune, out of time, and grinning like loons throughout the entire shameless performance. After one song, Tanya sashayed her way to the band director and slipped him a hundred dollar bill. "I think we've heard enough for one day, hot stuff." She kissed the man's neck with a wistful sniff or nine, "You really should be going. Love that cologne. It is so yummy smelling."

"No problem. We'll be on our way now. And, um, thanks." He blew his whistle and the band marched away.

Charlie's guests left, leaving him alone with Marcus and the Denali sisters.

When Charlie shut the door after bidding farewell to the squabbling pack who were lecturing Jacob on his many failures before a delighted Billy, he turned to face Marcus.

Cousin Marcus' face was grave as he asked, "May I have a word with you, cousin?"

"Uh, sure." Charlie led Marcus to the back yard. "What?"

"Does Bella know the company you are keeping?"

Charlie scratched his chin. "What company?"

"The 'dating coaches' those tramps claim to be."

"Why do you care?" Charlie bristled.

"As her cousin, I need to make sure someone teaches her morals. She's the last of my family."

"Now just a minute!" Charlie blustered, "You're not being fair. I do right by my daughter. I have morals."

"Charles," Kate cooed from the house, "We need to teach you about the sex toys."

Marcus raised an eyebrow and rejoined, "I see. We'll continue this discussion at a later date. Good day, cousin." With that, he left.

As much fun as watching Tanya and her sisters torment Charlie was, I now had other matters to attend to. Paul was lurking in the bushes. Jesus would not approve, methinks.

Paul had no idea that his current stomping had destroyed the tunnels of a runaway badger. Nor would he care. But the badger sure minded. I read the badger's mind. The web of tunnels he had made would be perfect for what I wanted to do. I had a flock of crows dive bomb Paul, driving him three feet to the left. The ground collapsed under him. He screamed something about black being Satan's color choice for evil bird plumage. On his way down into the hole he had created, Paul broke two bones. I counted. And fractured three ribs. Paul seemed to think this was unfair. If Paul wanted to see something unfair, he should have consulted the animal whose abode he destroyed. This was not an ordinary badger. Paul has occurred the wrath of a honey badger: An animal reputed for its fearlessness in the face of peril. This badger hailed from Africa and had wound up in what he considered a hell hole when the van carrying him had overturned, letting him loose along with a monkey, two pythons, and a hedgehog. The other animals had been recovered by the Seattle zoo. They had given up on the badger.

"That idiot that just ruined your home needs to learn some manners. I'll get you home if you make him miserable." I promised the badger.

"Bruce the badass badger," as he liked to be called, canted his head to one side, did the animal equivalent of a happy dance, and let me know I had a deal.

Paul tried to phase. "Damn! Sam won't let me. What the hell is that?" he squawked.

That black box by Paul's broken leg, the badger gleefully chomped it into tiny pieces.

"Paul!" Sam called, "Where the hel - heck are you?"

I decided now might be a good time to come out of my hiding place and pay the wayward lad a visit.

"Hello, Sam."

"Edward."

"I'm hoping you can explain something to me?"

"I'll do my best," he replied.

"Why is Paul outside of my fiance's bedroom in a dugout?" I pointed to Paul, who bleated like a goat. "All this Jesus talk on his part seems like malarkey to hide that he's stalking Bella along with Jacob. As her mate, I am putting my foot down."

Paul's eyes bugged out. "No, um, ah, it's not like that. I mean Bella is hot and all." Sam glared him into silence.

"I'll handle it, Edward. You have my apologies." Sam pointed at Paul, "Fill up that hole. We don't want Bella tripping and breaking her leg." My work here was done. Time to check in on Charlie and then pay another social call.

Using my gift, I saw Tanya telling Charlie, "Stick out your tongue."

"Why? You aren't a doctor. Carlisle said I'll be fine in twenty-four hours."

"Because we want to see if it's long enough that you can perform on a woman."

Charlie looked like he was about to stroke out.

"Don't be shy," Irina encouraged.

Tanya patted his shoulder. "We want to help you."

Charlie stuck out his tongue as if he was afraid Tanya would take a pair of red-hot pinchers to it.

"Oh, Charles, that tongue. We definitely can work with it."

Kate handed Irina a cantaloupe. "What's that for?" Charlie asked.

"Practice," Irina smiled.

Charlie said, "Be right back," and scampered for the bathroom. I had just seen enough to be scarred for life. My virgin eyes.

I said to Jasper over the phone, "Paul has broken a few limbs out behind Bella's house in the woods."

"Would you like me to pay him a visit?"

"No, I think I have that handled. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the treaty has no prohibition against playing jokes on the other side?"

"That's right, Edward. Who are we pranking?"

"Jacob Black. I thought we could pay him a visit."

"Excellent! We're on our way."

Let's see, I glanced at Gus, who seemed game for more fun. Paul was temporarily out of commission. Charlie was in the not so nice clutches of the Denali sisters. Jacob was sulking in his bedroom, clutching his last joint and debating whether or not to light it up. He caved to temptation and began to puff.

Seven skunks emerged from a thatch of sword ferns. One of them, a young female I'll call Petit La Blu, so said Gus, had imprinted on Jacob. Poor skunk. Well, I had to help her reach her true love. It was the moral thing to do. My mothers raised me right.

I, being the helpful demon that I am, wanted to aid the young lovers. Petit wanted advice. Tanya was busy. Her sisters, too. How hard could it be?

"You should definitely help him with his drug problem. It's your duty." Trailed by my menagerie of minions and shadowed by my siblings, I made my way toward Jacob Black's house. Halfway there, I halted in my tracks. I pulled out my phone and called Aro. Black Sabbath was playing in the background and his newborns were chanting, "More weed! More weed!"

"Ah, Edward, how are you doing this fine day?"

"Feel like terrorizing Jacob?"

"Does a vampire bite?" Aro cackled. "Can I bring my children? They should get in on the fun."

"Why not? They just can't attack him."

"They'll be on their best behavior. They have had lots of that weed substance. They are rather confused that it's not working on them."

I turned to my brother. "Jasper, I think that we need to help Jacob meet his imprintee. How about texting him to meet her at the park?"

"Why, certainly, dear brother." Jasper's fingers flew. Fifteen minutes later, Jacob was puffing on his joint and pacing. He couldn't wait to see the hot young thing that had texted him. He was so preoccupied that he didn't notice the dainty skunk that approached him and sprayed his joint with her distinctive perfume.

"What the hell!" Jake bellowed.

I approached him, trailed by my siblings. "Jake, I'd like to introduce you to Petit La Blu. She says she has imprinted on you."

Jake snapped her neck and tossed her body into the woods behind him. How rude. Jake clearly needed to work on letting a girl down gently. Animal.

"You'll pay for that."

"Oh yeah? What are you going to do, devil worshiper!"

I dialed Sam.

"What is it now?" He barked into the phone.

"I have a proposition for you on how to keep Jacob off of drugs. It's better than rehab."

"You can't kill him. Even if he is an asshole."

"Alas, I know. But I think you'll like my idea." Sam came out of the woods and saw Aro and his children converging with our crowd.

"Will it keep him out of my hair?" Sam asked.

I'd never seen Jacob bothering Sam's hair. How odd.

"I propose we have him train with the newborns full time. They won't kill him." The newborns began jumping up and down shouting, "Let us play with stinky man!"

Jacob looked horrified.

"Yes. What a fine idea." Sam agreed.

"You can't order me around!" Jacob squealed.

"Sam can and he did. Report to my parent's house. They are expecting you. Jasper has all kinds of exercises planned to train you in battling vampires."

"You want war? You've got it, dipshit. I'm taking Bella."

"She's my mate. Good luck with that."

"You think you're so awesome with that panty-dropping smile."

Panty-dropping smile? What in God's name was that? I wouldn't mind having a panty-dropping smile around Bella. Provided we were in private, of course. But it would be all kinds of awkward if that worked on anyone else. Like Jessica Stanley. Or her mother. Or the pack. They seemed to shed their clothes every time the wind changed. I don't even think they wore underwear.

The dog stuck out his lower lip like a spoiled brat on a rampage. "May the only man win, sucker." Jake stomped his way to our mansion, trailed by the newborns. I had no idea why he kept getting sprayed by skunks along the way. Or why every other animal he encountered mocked or shat upon him. Every time he got hit or sprayed, I'd say just loud enough for him to hear, "Thank you, Dark Master for that sign of your benevolence."

As Jacob approached the house, he saw Bella getting out of the car and talking to Alice. Aro pointed a finger at Jacob and said to the newborns, "Leave the women alone. Get the boy! He wants to play with you, children. But first he needs a bath."

"Play! Play! Play!" They charged and ran. Jacob never had a chance. The newborns swarmed him as I grabbed Bella and pulled her out of their path.

"Edward?" Bella mumbled into my chest.

"Yes, my treasure?" I kissed her forehead.

"What the heck was that?"

"Oh, that's rehab for Jacob. Sam and Aro agreed that they could cure him of his penchant for illegal substances."

Bella giggled, "I feel bad laughing." We watched the spectacle unfolding before us.

Like a pig on a platter, they held a writhing-like-a-worm-on-ashes Jacob aloft and ran off to toy with him as he swore and yelped, "Hands off the ass!"

"Ass! Ass! Ass!" They chanted, "We want ass! More ass! Stinky ass!"

"Jeez, you have cold hands!" Jacob wailed.

The female newborn with the safety pins in her face, the one who screamed about weed first, peered up at Jacob and fondled his rear. She asked Aro at supernatural pitch, "Master, do shapeshifters like having their prostate milked?"

Jacob screamed. "There's no milk in my body. You're not doing surgery on me!"

"He must be a virgin," the newborn shrieked. Then laughed. The others picked up her mood and shouted, "Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! Bathe the stinky virgin!" as they hauled Jacob away to the forest.

Aro beamed at Sam, "My children are a little enthusiastic. But I love them so." He followed them into the woods.

Thank the Lord Bella could not hear at supernatural pitch. From her perspective, it probably was confusing. "Why is Jake screaming? They're just carrying him." Bella marveled.

"I think he's excited about playing newborn games."

"Sure looks that way. I didn't know he could scream that loud."

I walked my bride into the house. "Did Alice take you out for dinner?"

"She did. Can we go to bed? I'm kind of tired."

A smart vampire never argued with his mate's desire to see the bedroom. Really. Serenaded by Jacob shrieking a mile away in the forest, I sang my beloved to sleep as she cuddled against me.

Bella was sleeping when my phone chirped, alerting me to an incoming text.

We're done with Charlie. Tanya wrote. He seems properly humbled. Picking on a man about his pitiful sex life would tend to do that. I should know.

Is he still in one piece?

Of course. We didn't have that much fun. But he is the talk of the town.

Rumors of Charlie's shenanigans had spread throughout the hamlet of Forks. Hopefully, he'd be too busy doing damage control to fret about Bella marrying me. My cousins were amazing.

Thank you for your help.

No one messes with the family, Edward. We're going hunting and then home. See you at the wedding.

Bella sighed and mumbled, "Feels so good. Right there."

I could get used to this. Now I was going to have to practice that panty-dropping smile. Lots.

Please review! It makes Edward high.