Sm Owns them.
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Chapter 11: All Yours
All the lives always tempted to trade
Willt hey hate me for all the choices I've made
Will they stop when they see me again?
I can't stop now I know who I am
-Metric
That night, everything changed. Everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I was, seemed to wipe away. Vanished.
I wasn't sure what it meant or how to deal with it, but I was pretty sure heartbreak was in the cards. Not only for Emmett. I don't just stop loving him. When I'm with Emmett it's effortless. He loves me, he accepts me. With Edward, it's like being pushed and pulled. Challenged to be better.
I know Edward and I will always have to work. We keep each other on our toes and I have never felt this way before. So on fire. So excited for life to show me what's waiting beyond the next bend in the road. I know the next few turns could be killer, but with Edward pushing me...not letting me avoid them, I have faith that I can come out. I just want to make sure Emmett does too.
Edward could lose a his brother. Esme and Carlisle could be forced into the middle of their son's rivalry. All because of a girl. I am not worth all of that. The thought makes my stomach tie in knots, but I told Edward I feel it too.
As much as I want to avoid it, I can't. Life is too short. I can't take back the words.
"Edward...this is your family," I tell him. "This could ruin your family." He holds me tight in his arms.
"It will be fine. Don't worry about all of that. As long as I have you..."
"Edward, that's not true! Families like yours...they are the exception to most. I mean...you are so lucky to have them. I worry about that. I'm not -"
"You are, Bella. Don't say you're not. You are."
He kisses my forehead. Tears escape my closed eyes.
That night, I go to sleep in the guestroom. My dreams aren't peaceful. They are terrifying. So real. I can feel the panic, the bile rises in my stomach. My screams for help that don't come. Black greasy hand prints are left on my body.
I feel myself shaking.
"BELLA!" I hear Edward. His hand is shaking my arm. "WAKE UP!" he is telling me.
I open my eyes, mid scream. I am covered in sweat and my heart is racing.
"It was just a dream," he tells me. He pulls me from the bed, and takes me into his.
Ever since that night, I have slept in Edward's bed. In his arms. I haven't had a nightmare. He tells me he loves me. I feel safe with him. Safer in his arms, more alive in his arms. It makes me wish Emmett was enough, because I really don't want to hurt him.
The next morning my phone rings. It's Emmett. "Hey," I answer trying to smile. It's hard talking to him in Edward's bed. I can feel him looking at me. I sit up in bed to talk.
"How's my beautiful Bella?" he asks. It makes me smile for real to hear him say those words. I love him.
It's just not...enough.
I look down at Edward, he looks away. I know it must be hard for him to see me smile at another man's words.
"Okay," I tell him.
"Did you get the jeep and gas card?" he asks me.
"Um, no I didn't Emmett."
"Why? I want you to use it while I'm gone. It makes me feel better knowing you are safe."
"I know...but I'm already staying at your parents houseboat for free...and Edward drives me if I need to go anywhere or Alice. Really...I don't need to be running up your credit card." I tell him.
"You're so stubborn," he tells me.
"I know, and don't even think about paying my rent...I have it under control, okay?" Renee actually came through and is going to pay half the rent. I think it's because she has Phil now to buy her things. Or maybe she feels sorry for me after being attacked. But either way, I don't care. It's taken care of.
I still work at the aquarium because it keeps my time occupied, gives me something to do other than dwell in my sins.
"Bella, why won't you take my help?" he asks.
"Because...I don't like feeling like I owe people, okay?"
"I'm not people, Baby, I'm your boyfriend. It's my job to take care of you."
I let out an unsteady breath. "Please, Em. Your job would be to take care of your wife...I'm not your wife. It makes me uncomfortable. Just...I can take care of myself. I don't date to be taken care of." I tell him.
"Fine. No rent. No Jeep." he surrenders. He sounds pissed. "How are you holding up otherwise?" he asks me.
"I need...time" I tell him.
"Time?" he asks "Time for what?"
"I just...too much." I struggle to get the words out. Tears are in my eyes. I want to tell him there is someone else...I can't. Edward takes my hand, and I have to pull away.
"What's going on, Bella? Is this about me trying to take care of you? Or about being attacked? I know your scared...I know I wasn't there to protect you..."
"I just need time," I interrupt him. "I'm not mad at you or whatever...I'm just scared." I tell him. "I just need some space to figure some things out."
"We can talk about everything when I get back?" he asks hopeful.
"Yeah," I tell him.
"I love you, Bella."
"I know you do...I love you too Em," I tell him before I hang up the phone. When I see the sad look on Edward's face over my words to his brother I cry. I cry harder when I think how much worse it will be for Emmett. How it hurts Edward too. Such wicked games...I don't know how I got pulled into playing.
Edward isn't mad. He doesn't storm out of the room. He holds me, and he let's me cry for another man.
I can't bring myself to tell him over the phone. It's not right. He still calls. Not as often. Three or four times a week. Each time it ends with I love you's.
Because I do love him. Just not enough.
*****SS4DL*****
"No, Edward." I tell him, for the tenth time. His head is in my lap as we float out on the lake on his parents boat. I have on my white bikini, and cut off shorts. His hair is soft in my fingers.
Edward has on his Ray-bans, and cargo shorts. He is shirtless. I like him shirtless. Slim, built, defined. The tattoo down his rib cage is sexy. I love tattoo's.
"The longer we wait to tell him...the harder it's going to be," he tells ms. My fingers run through his golden brown locks, pushing them back, hints of copper reflect the sun.
"He deserves more than a phone call to break his heart."
"He deserves to know his girlfriend has -"
"Don't say it."
It's the same thing, all the time. Same argument. I can't just tell Emmett over the phone everything that has happened since he left. How things changed inside of me. How the flames inside now burn bright for Edward.
Physically all Edward and I have shared are kisses. They aren't innocent. Even something like holding his hand isn't innocent. We are affectionate, and part of me thinks it might as well be sex. Emmett isn't going to say, "Well it's all good, I mean you didn't actually have sex," no. It's still going to hurt all the same. Holding out...taking things slow...I don't really know who it benefits. We just have been moving slow. Maybe just to give ourselves time to believe these things.
It's not as if he can bring me home and hold my hand. Or take me out to dinner or to the bar with Alice and Jasper. He's right, everything is in limbo until Emmett knows. It doesn't mean it's gone away or doesn't exist. It just means we have to wait behind this imaginary line.
"Avoiding things doesn't make them disappear, Bella."
I smile down at him. He knows me. "I just...please..."
"It's like we are stuck, standing still ...your not mine until your not his."
He sits up and takes my face in his hands. "I need you," he tells me with a peck to my lips. "I just want us to move past this, put it behind us."
This is why I need Edward. Why he is my other half. When I want to avoid, he wants to push forward and face things head on. I need someone like him. Someone to push me. As much as it's nice that Emmett let's me avoid, it's not what I need.
"I need you to wait," I tell him closing my eyes. He lets go with a heavy sigh. His hands go to his hair and he pulls. "He is your brother Edward...he...he doesn't deserve to be told over the phone that his girlfriend is leaving him for his brother. We can wait eight more weeks to tell him."
"And until then? I just have to watch you pretend to be his girlfriend? Don't you think that is cruel?"
"I think this whole situation is cruel, Edward." I stand up walk to the ledge of the boat. "He knows-"
"That you need time...space," Edward finishes coming up behind me, wrapping me in his arms, his chin on my shoulder. Because Edward now get's the nightly phone calls from Emmett. "I have to listen to him torture himself every night with this bullshit," he reminds me.
I turn around to face him. "I know, Edward!" I yell, annoyed. I am in the houseboat. I am there when he calls. I listen to Edward lie to Emmett about what's going on with 'Bella'. From what I can gather, Emmett just thinks that I'm scared. And Edward, well he doesn't know what to offer his brother as comfort.
"And you haven't been able to get the words out to him any easier than I have," I point out the failed attempts Edward has made to tell Emmett about his feelings for me.
"I'll wait," Edward whispers against my neck. His mouth travels up...below my ear. His hand moves to my hair, he kisses behind my ear, to my jaw, on to my mouth. He lifts me up on the ledge of the boat and my legs are wrapped around him. He holds me firm with his hand in the center of my back. His other hand is on my stomach, traveling up.
When I feel a fingertip graze my nipple, I jump in his arms...I scream. I push him away and let my feet hit the deck of the boat.
All I can see or smell is that asshole that grabbed my chest in the alley.
"Bella?" he asks me full of concern.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, wrapping my arms around my chest.
"You look terrified, Bella," Edward says, stepping towards me cautiously. "Am I moving too fast? I mean maybe we should talk about boundaries until we tell Emmett."
"I just...I don't know...it was like I was back there on that morning," I tell him. I am broken. I thought the nightmares were cured by his embrace... now his touch makes me scream. Panic. It sets off sirens inside me.
"Fuck," Edward growls, I can see his jaw is clenched. He doesn't want a broken girl. He want's a girl he can touch.
"I'm sorry," I say again.
"Stop saying you are sorry," he tells me wrapping me in his arms. "It's not your fault." he soothes my hair. "If I catch this asshole before the cops, I'm gonna cut off his fucking dick," he tells me.
"Your not mad at me?" I ask him.
"At you? No, Bella. Never." he tells me.
"I don't want to be screwed up," I tell him. "I don't want to cry anymore." The tears that were on the brink of spilling over fall down.
"You are not screwed up, I just surprised you. Caught you off guard," he tells me.
I'm so mad at myself. I mean my father was a cop, and I didn't even get a good look at the asshole. I couldn't even give the cops a decent description. No help.
"Touch me again," I tell him determined not to let some asshole stand between my chest and Edward's hands. I refuse to let him take any part of me.
I feel sick to my stomach thinking of the woman who weren't as lucky as me.
"No, Bella." Edward says shaking his head.
"Touch me, Edward."
"No, it's too soon." he refuses.
"That asshole isn't going to take things from me, Edward. If...if I can't enjoy you, he took something from me. He can't do that. I won't let him. Now, grab my tit!" I tell him, pushing my chest out.
"Why Bella, did you just say 'tit?'" Edward smirks at me. "When did you start talking dirty?"
"Just grab the boob, Edward. I said tit, okay? Prude Bella said tit, get over it, and touch it already. I can't believe Edward Cullen needs to be told more than once to get a handful!"
Edward reaches his hand out, and traces his index finger over my nipple again. I want to scream, but I don't. It's almost like I can't breath. I hold my breath and close my eyes tight. My whole body tenses and wants to run.
Edward stops as soon as he started, no doubt seeing my fear.
"Fuck!" I yell. "Fuck him!" I am so angry. I want to hit something. I kick the side of the boat, and scream in frustration.
I want Edward to feel me. I want his hands on me, and because that sick bastard felt what wasn't his to feel...he took what wasn't his, now I am broken.
"Bella," Edward says, his arms trying to confine me. "You are not broken." he tells me, my thoughts were not thoughts, I must have yelled them.
He finally manages to wrap me in his arms, calm me down.
I push him away. I am mad.
"Do it again." I tell him
"Bella, stop it. Just give it some time," he tells me.
"No. Just... do it again." I demand.
He lets out a heavy sigh, and this time, he takes a handful, over my heart. I stare in his eyes. He goes to move his hand and I stop him. I place my hand over his.
"Just keep it there until my heart stops racing," I tell him, "Keep looking at me." I tell him what I need.
He nods, and I stare in his eyes. I love his eyes. They calm me. Green like the ocean. Vast. There I could uncover a world of information behind his eyes. His eyes speak to me every time I see him. They tell me if he is happy or sad or annoyed. I knew that morning when he told me how he felt, before he said the words. I could see it in his eyes. My hand is over his. I feel the fine hair that is over the back of his hand, below his thumb, over his wrist, up his forearm. I clutch his bicep, when I flashback.
"It's okay," he whispers.
"Your not him, I know you won't hurt me," I whisper, I'm not telling Edward. I'm telling myself.
My heart beat slows to steady thud with a few cleansing breaths.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," Edward tells me pulling me down into the seat along the back of the boat.
"Why are you apologizing?" I ask him. I sit in his lap, his hands on my hips.
"For leaving you that morning...for kissing you the way I did...I shouldn't have forced myself on you like that," he says quietly.
"Edward..."
"No, it wasn't right of me to do that."
"I didn't want you to kiss me...because I was...no because I am afraid of this," I motion between us. "Not because you are some creepy sex offender. It was so different."
"I would never hurt you, Bella." he assures me. I can see the pain in his green irises. The truth.
I kiss him to assure him. I use my mouth, my tongue, my lips, I nibble with my teeth to tell him how much faith and trust I have given in him.
It's not nearly enough for what price he is going to pay when Emmett gets home. When everyone finds out what we have done.
We will be the villains. No one will feel sorry for us. I don't expect anyone to understand. We don't really deserve understanding or acceptance. We have made our bed...we have to lie in it. There will only be sad songs and we will be seen as dirty lovers.
Maybe one day they will see the truth. That something dirty could become beautiful. That something so wrong, was also right.
EPOV
In six weeks, Emmett will be home. What that means, I don't know. I know nothing will ever be the same again.
He calls me every night. He asks me about Bella. He is hurt and confused about why she needs time and space. I want to tell him, but Bella doesn't. I don't think I could if I tried. As much as I hate to admit it, it should be said in person. Not while he has to focus on training.
It's never going to be the right time to tell him.
I got my MCAT scores from the test I took in April. I got 12.1Q. I had a list of schools to apply to. All over the county. I'm not sure what to do now...I have Bella. I want us to plan things in our future together.
It's...crazy. I wouldn't call her my girlfriend. It's only been a few weeks...but I know I want her by my side. We will both graduate, next year. I will be heading somewhere for med school, and I want her with me. These are things that I need her input on. I need to know she wants to be with me.
I think she wants to go somewhere sunny. I know she wants to be by the water.
"What ya doing?" Bella asks, leaning over my shoulder, looking down at my list of schools.
"I have to figure out where to apply," I tell her.
"Oh, right...you could end up anywhere in the country depending on where you get accepted?" she asks me.
"People normally chose like ten schools...then get accepted in at least one of them..." I trail off.
"Where are you going to apply?" she asks me.
"I guess that depends," I tell her, I don't know why I am nervous. She knows I love her. She knows I want her with me.
"On what?"
"You."
"Me?"
"Yes, you. I know things with us are moving fast...but I want you to come with me...and I know there are things you want...I know you want to be somewhere near the water. I mean...so if you were willing to come with me, I'd be willing to chose schools close to the ocean." I tell her
She doesn't say anything.
"I mean I know you probably wouldn't be happy in St. Louis...but Stanford...or San Francisco..." I stop because I have no idea what she is thinking.
"You want to base your medical career on where I would be happy?" she asks me.
"Yeah...I mean we will be there for awhile...and I would be really busy...but if you didn't want to come."
"I want to be with you Edward. I want to come." she tells me. I can't help but to smile and kiss her.
"So, help me figure this out?" I ask her .
"Before we start, Edward. What's your number one choice for medical school?" she asks me.
"John Hopkins," I tell her. It's in Baltimore, close to water.
"Then John Hopkins needs to be on your list."
She bites her bottom lip and we sit in front of my laptop picking schools close to water.
I write John Hopkins down. Along with Stanford, and University of California San Francisco, San Diego, Washington, Columbia, Boston, and East Carolina University.
I know my Father really wants me to go to Penn, where he went. It's just nowhere close to water.
"What are your dream schools?" she asks me.
"I guess...Penn," I tell her.
"Then apply," she urges me.
"Penn isn't close to the ocean," I tell her.
"Apply Edward. I can deal with being a few hours from the ocean if it means your dreams."
I see the truth in her words in her eyes. I hear it in her voice...so I add them to the list. If I get into Penn and Hopkins. I don't know what I will do.
"Ten schools..." I say looking over the list.
"When's your deadline?" Bella asks. Her hand is in mine, and it feels amazing to be making these decisions with someone, with her. To know that I won't be alone. I feel like I have been alone forever.
"August first, for early decision," I tell her.
It feels weird to be making these choices with her...when she is still tied to my brother. Life goes on though. It will for him too.
"When will you know?"
"February," I sigh.
"I guess life is about waiting," she says placing a kiss on my jaw.
"We can't spend our lives waiting Bella," I tell her.
"No...we can't, Henry." Bella tells me.
"Henry?" I question her as she kisses along the scruff on my face.
"I never told you...why I didn't want to jog with you that morning. I mean I lied about missing Emmett...But the night before I dreamed of you. We were Clare and Henry from the TimeTravelersWife...I cry every time he tells her he doesn't want her to spend her life waiting...and here you are telling me the same thing."
"Yet we arewaiting...for Emmett to come home," I tell her.
"Sometimes...we need to be patient and good things will come. Henry never told her when he would show up in her future...and she was able to live and some days she was lucky enough to see him."
I sit at the small piano at the houseboat, playing Chasing Cars later that day. Because that's all I hear when I think of Bella, and I think of Bella all the time. I really do just want to forget the world.
Bella walks in from work, her hair is still damp from swimming with the fish, I let her use my car to go to work. I stop playing.
"Don't stop," she tells me sitting next to me on the bench. I pick it back up, I keep playing for her. For us.
Her head rests on my shoulder as she watches my fingers float over the keys. It's times like these I feel like we are safe in our bubble. The shit hasn't hit the fan yet so to speak. It's just us, and nothing or no one else matters. Not yet anyway.
Bella moves to straddle the piano bench as I end the song. I turn to mimic her actions.
"Kiss me?" she asks.
I slide closer to her, and thread my fingers through her hair. I smell the salt water, and my lips meet hers in anticipation.
She moves my hand up her stomach and onto her breast. Over her heart. It picks up sped and I can feel it thump beneath her breast bone. I move my lips to her ear.
"I love you," I tell her. "Are you okay?" I ask.
"Perfect," she whispers, dropping her hand from mine.
She pulls away and sheds herself from her shirt. I pull her down to the edge of the piano bench and push her down. I settle between her legs.
Her hands are needy in my hair, and I can smell the coconut on her skin from her sunblock. My lips taste the valley between her breasts, down her stomach, my tongue swirls in her belly button.
We have never been this physical, and I don't want to cross any lines. I have never been nervous with a half naked girl before. I've never been more excited or turned on either.
I shower her tits with opened mouth kisses over her sheer green bra.
Bella wraps her legs around my waist and pushes her hips into my hardness. "Fuck, I wanna be inside you," I tell her.
She claws at my shirt, until it's off, her lips travel along my chest as she continues to thrust her hips into mine, creating enough friction to dull the ache to be inside of her.
My hand goes between us, and I cup her jean covered sex in my hand pressing into the warmth.
"Bella?"
Holy fucking shit. It's Alice.
Bella jumps up, I throw her shirt at her, and just as it falls over her head, we lock eyes, and then Jasper walks in behind her.
"Don't people knock," I huff.
"We did..." Alice trails off. "I guess you were too busy to hear or notice."
Bella smooths her hair, and chews on her bottom lip. I pick my shirt off the ground and put it on. No one knows what to say.
I know Bella is speechless.
"What's up?" I ask, avoiding the elephant in the room.
"I don't know...why don't you tell me." she asks. "I came to see if Bella was settling in nicely, I see you are making her feel...welcome," she glares.
Silence fills the room.
"I can't believe you would do this to your own brother," Jasper finally says. Jasper is Emmett's best friend outside of me. He lunges for me, but Alice grabs his arm.
"Don't Jasper," she urges him.
"It's not like that," I try to argue.
"No? Your brother asks you to look out for her, and you take advantage of her while she is vulnerable, Edward? She is not just some girl, like Victoria. You can't just bring her in your dad's office and fuck -"
"I love her," I tell him.
"Give me a break Edward! You don't love anyone but yourself and getting laid! What is this some kind of sick conquest for you? Screw brothers girl, check?"
"Don't yell. Please...stop." Bella speaks up. "Edward...he isn't taking advantage of me. I-I want to be with him. I know it's selfish and wrong...I know I'm breaking Emmett's heart...I know no one is going to understand how or why because I can't even explain it. How it happened. When it happened. It did. It's beyond shitty and fucked up...I love them both, and I wish more than anybody that I didn't. This isn't a choice. I didn't chose to fall in love with Edward. I didn't mean to love him more..." Bella says, staying strong.
"Why doesn't Emmett know?" Jasper asks. He is pissed. Alice is holding him back from punching me, I can see his fist balled at his side.
"I can't bring myself to change his world over a phone call," Bella says.
"He knows you need space, not that you want to see other people...there is a big difference Bella." Jasper spits out.
"I know...I don't want to see other people, I don't want him to think he is that insignificant to me. That I just want to date other people...it's not like that. I wouldn't leave him for John Smith. And telling him I fell in love with his brother...over the phone...like I said, he means more to me than that."
"Your own brother, Edward." Jasper glares at me. Looking me up and down. He storms outside, obviously wanting to beat something, most likely me.
"Alice...please, don't let him tell Emmett." Bella begs her best friend.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks. She sounds hurt.
"It's not something I'm proud of," Bella whispers.
I cringe. Of course she isn't proud to be in love with me.
Alice assures us Jasper will stay out of it. Not get in the middle. Once they leave, Bella breaks down.
"This is wrong, Edward!" she yells at me.
"Bella, don't do this," I beg her.
"We can't just act like what we are doing has no consequences! Your brother is going to be hurt, your family! We can't just act like everything is peachy fucking keen!" she keeps yelling.
I try to go to her, but she won't let me. Holding out her hand to stop me. "I sat here today with you...and we talked about, our fu-future. Like being connected and being together and moving together...and Emmett is in San Diego...and he has no idea what is in store for him when he comes home. We are the worst kind of people." she gets quieter and stares at the ground.
"Are you done?" I ask her, I am pissed. She snaps her head and looks at me, shocked at the tone of my voice. I know Emmett never yelled at her like that before. "No one said it was nice, Bella. Or easy. Or even fucking fair. Just that we were in this together. We already hurt him Bella. Are you telling me you changed your mind? Because that makes no difference now, the damage is done. So you can change your mind, and you can push me away and avoid it all like it will disa-fucking-pear. Or you can walk through it with me. At the end of the day, you still don't love him enough."
She stares at me the anger in her brown eyes pouring over me. "I hate what this has done to me. I hate what you have done to me. I hate myself for being the girl who has to tell a boy she loves him justnotenough. I hate sitting here with you, being happy, planning a future, while I know there is a man out there that loves me. That has me painted into his future, and I am going to paint it black once he comes home."
"Stop it Bella. No offense, but you're just a girl. I'm his brother! He will get over you, because you are just a girl. You are not the only one painting his world black, okay? As a matter of fact, being his brother, I'd say that would be me!"
"Just a girl?
"Not to me. See, I wouldn't fucking paint my brothers world black for just a girl. That girl would have to be my world. So, if I want to fucking make plans with you, and kiss you. I will. I'm not going to wait."
I close the distance between us, and I kiss her. I kiss her letting her know she is my world.
Review for teasers. You guys srsly blew me away with all the reviews last chapter! We are getting close to the prologue, and I will NOT send out a teaser that is an excerpt from the prologue, I promise it will be new.
I'm gonna rec, PrettyKittyFF this week, she has a new story, The Man in Black: Bella returns to Forks after graduating NYU. She had given up on love, until a gorgeous mechanic walks in to her life and turns it upside down. He falls hard for her but will his secrets tear them apart? EXB AH