A/N: Welp. Here we are, post-"Forget Me Not". I've exhausted my brain analyzing every detail of the episode, and discussed with a lot of you! If you haven't yet, send me a note and tell me what you think of the state of GSR! Also, I posted a post-ep called "He Loves Me Not", if you haven't seen that yet :)
Also, sorry this is later than usual!
Sara woke the next morning to the smell of pancakes. Which was odd, since she usually didn't stock anything more than coffee, bananas and cold pizza in her kitchen at any given time.
It was also odd seeing as there was a warm, wiggling body still in bed next to her.
She threw the covers back and was greeted by a blast of dog breath and Hank's slobbery kiss.
"Someone was anxious to see you."
Sara looked up to see Grissom in the doorway, freshly showered, holding two plates with healthy stacks of pancakes on them.
"When did he get here?"
"I picked him up on the way back from the grocery store," Grissom said.
"Jeez," Sara murmured, kneading her temples with her fingers. "How long did I sleep?"
"A while," Grissom answered, crossing into the room. "But I figured you needed it, after yesterday and the day before."
"Thanks," Sara smiled. "It feels weird waking up when the sun's out."
Sara accepted one of the pancake plates and Grissom nudged Hank out of the bed with his knee.
"I'm glad you woke," he said. "A few more minutes and it would have been an inappropriate time for pancakes."
"It's always an appropriate time for pancakes," Sara retorted. "Did I really sleep that long?"
Grissom nodded, passing her a jar of syrup, his mouth full of food. Sara poured a puddle of syrup onto her plate and took her first bite.
"This is really nice," she said. "Thank you."
Grissom winked and they finished their breakfasts in amicable silence, Hank whining at their feet and keeping a sharp eye out for a piece of fallen pancake.
"How are you feeling?" Grissom asked when Sara had sponged up syrup with the last of her pancakes.
"Miles better," Sara said.
"Good," Grissom said.
He pressed a kiss to her forehead and took her empty plate from her hands. He disappeared down the hallway to take the dirty dishes to the sink. The moment he left the room, Hank's ears perked up, no longer disappointed in the lack of stray crumbs. Sara laughed and patted the bed, the mattress shifting with the boxer's weight as he jumped up next to her. He walked around in several circles before settling down in the comforters, his head on Sara's lap. She scratched his ears absentmindedly, wondering what the day would bring.
When Grissom returned, he came back holding her cell phone.
"I put it on silent so it wouldn't wake you," he explained. "But you may want to call the lab, I'm sure they're worried."
Sara scrolled through at least a dozen missed calls from various members of the lab, more than half of them from Greg and Nick alone.
"Want me to give you some privacy?" Grissom asked.
"No," Sara said, placing the phone next to the clock on the table beside her. "I'll call them later."
"I see someone's made themselves at home," Grissom said, nodding to Hank.
"Sorry," Sara laughed. "You snooze, you lose."
Grissom smiled and sat on the edge of the bed near Sara's feet.
"So, I've been thinking," he began. "And I thought… if you're up to it… maybe we could go out today. Somewhere."
"Yeah," Sara smiled. "Okay."
Grissom grinned back at her before falling serious.
"I was also thinking," he continued. "And… I think maybe the best way to figure this out is to just spend time more with each other. Get to know each other all over again."
Sara thought about it, absentmindedly scratching Hank's ears as she did. Incredulously, spending time with her husband seemed almost daunting. It had been so long. But at the same time, it was the very thing she'd been asking for all along, and the one thing that could save them.
"What were you thinking?"
"Well," Grissom said slowly, a smile crossing back over him. "I bought a few more things at the store… how do you feel about a picnic?"
"If the menu includes your mom's pasta salad, I'm ecstatic."
"Made, packed and ready to go in the fridge."
"So… to be clear; are you asking me on a date?" Sara teased, her smile wide.
"Yeah, I guess I am," Grissom grinned back.
"Gimme time to shower, and I'm in," Sara said excitedly. "Oh – and I should call the lab."
"I'll finish up the sandwiches," Grissom said, leaning into kiss her and give Hank and playful shove. "Take your time."
Hank, sensing food, followed Grissom out to the kitchen and Sara reached out for her phone. She tried Greg first, but the call went to voicemail, so she called Nick next.
"Hello," he answered groggily.
Sara felt instantly guilty for waking him up – she'd somehow forgotten this was her normal sleeping time.
"Sorry Nick – I forgot the time!"
"Sara!" Nick exclaimed, sounding instantly awake. "No – I'm glad you called! Are you okay? How are you feeling?"
"So much better – sleep does wonders," Sara replied. "How are you? How's your wrist?"
"Oh, it's fine," Nick dismissed. "Not going to be breaking down any doors this week, but it should heal up soon. Your old man show up?"
"Yes," Sara chided. "With a perfectly good explanation as to why he didn't answer your call, I'll have you know."
"Okay," Nick said, sounding skeptical. "You need me to come over with pizza and beer before shift for some good old fashioned company?"
"Thanks, but no thanks," Sara laughed. "Grissom wants us to spend more time together, and I think I'm looking forward to it."
"I'm glad," Nick said softly, sounding like he meant it. "I'll let you go. Call me if you need me, okay?"
"I will, bye Nick."
The warm beads of water against her skin in the shower felt better than anything. The heat relaxed whatever tension was left in her muscles and she was able to wash away the hospital and everything else that had happened in the last forty-eight hours. She let her hair air-dry, put on only a brush of mascara and, after a quick check of the weather on her phone, pulled on a pair of khaki shorts and a sleeveless black top. By the time she poked her head into the kitchen, Grissom had their lunch packed and Hank on a leash.
He held her hand the whole drive, they fell into a natural, easy conversation and Sara could feel a knot loosening in her chest. She feared that, after all this time, she'd forgotten how to be with her husband. She had feared that their interaction would be awkward and forced, but there was nothing forced about the way he was looking at her now, and nothing awkward about the way he laughed at her jokes.
He pulled into a gravel parking lot at Lake Mead, which was unusually quiet for a sunny Friday. Grissom let Hank off his leash – who immediately bounded into the water – while Sara gathered up their picnic from the backseat. They spread a blanket near a tree and dug in.
"Sara," Grissom said eventually, through a mouthful of pasta salad.
"Hmm?"
"I'm going to ask you an honest question, and I want you to give me an honest answer."
Sara lowered her sandwich and looked at him carefully. She knew this was coming, and it was better to get it out of the way if they were to move on, but it didn't make it any easier.
"Okay," she said finally.
"Why don't you want to have children?"
Sara squirmed.
"Gil," she sighed. "We've gone over this."
"No, we haven't," Grissom said. "Not really. We've skirted around it for too long."
Sara looked past him to the lake, where Hank was still frolicking in the water. The truth was, she had no answer. She could be completely honest with herself and with him and he wouldn't believe her, because there was no answer. She just wasn't meant to be a mother. She didn't have it in her. And it wasn't fair to a child to be born to someone who felt that way. When she looked back at her husband, she was surprised to feel her eyes fill with tears.
"Gil," she said, her voice breaking.
"Sara," he replied, gently but firmly. "I need you to tell me. You know we need to do this."
"Because I don't need something more," Sara said finally. "I am happy – beautifully happy – with you and me."
"But honey," Grissom cut in. "Can you imagine how much happier we'd be with three – with a baby?"
"Please," Sara said. "Let me finish. I can't… morally… bring a child into this world when its not wanted. It would hate me. We'd be having a baby for all the wrong reasons. I'm not ready."
"Sara, nobody's ready," Grissom said. "But you learn. It comes naturally. And sometimes you don't know how much you want something – or someone – until you have it."
"You're really not listening," Sara pleaded. "I know what I want, and I know it won't change. I won't have a baby because you want one, or because I'm getting older, or because it's what society views as the next logical step. I just… I don't have it in me."
"Because of your mother?"
Sara stared hard at him, swallowing her automatic refusal. There was more to it, but that was part of it.
"I know I'm not my mother, and I never will be," Sara clarified.
Grissom went back to quietly eating his pasta salad, and Sara could tell his frustration was coming back with a vengeance.
"You wanted me to be honest," Sara said suddenly as Grissom lifted his head. "So here it is. I feel like you want a baby as a fix – to fix our marriage, to keep you in town, to complete the things you never got to do – whatever that may be. I feel like you don't realize that having a child could just force more resentment into our marriage, because we will always be on two completely different pages. I feel like you don't realize that sometimes I wish – I really wish – that I do want what you want."
"Sara—"
She held up her hand, wiping her eyes before continuing.
"I feel like there must be something wrong with me for not wanting what every normal woman wants," she said. "Maybe that's because of my mother, maybe not. But as much as I wish that I could just be normal, I just… I can't. Okay. That's all."
Sara wiped her eyes again and sighed. Grissom gave her that half-crooked, slightly smirk-y smile of his and she lost it.
"What?" she demanded. "I pour my heart out to you, and all you can do is laugh?"
"Because you're right," Grissom said. "You're always right. You always know what you want, and that's why I love you."
He set aside his fork and took her hand.
"I do want a baby," he said. "And I think I always will. But a lot of what you said makes a whole lot of sense. You've always been a lot more adept at matters of the heart than I."
He smiled at her again and this time, she smiled back.
"Honey, I meant what I said last night," Grissom continued. "We already are a family, and we always will be. I know you don't believe me when I say it, but I will never hold it against you. Never, Sara."
"But… how could you not?"
"Because I love you more than I could possibly describe," Grissom said. "I know I haven't acted like it – leaving you holding down the fort alone for so long, but… Sara… if you had asked me to stay – straight up – I would have stayed. But my guess is… you love me too much to ask."
Sara's chin wobbled and she bit her lip to keep her from sobbing.
"Stay," she blurted. "Please stay."
Grissom pushed past the basket between them and gathered her up in his arms. The sob she was trying to keep in escaped her.
"I'll stay," he whispered into her hair. "Sara, I'll stay."