Chapter 10 – Epiphanies Part 1 (Chad)

I decided I need a nap. The guilt I'm trying to hide is getting worse. I NEED to tell Sonny about my dad, tell him he's really alive, otherwise things will just fall apart. I really don't know how I'm going to work things out with dad. But there are so many things I wish I could tell him. I mean, he ruined my life for Christ sake! I don't know how I even got to these thoughts, but I guess they were troubling me at the back of mind.

I want everything to work out right. I can't bear for things to stay the same. I can't bear to hate my dad forever.

So Sonny has been acting strangely…. Or maybe it's just me?

Oh I wish I knew what was going through her brain, but she's a girl and it would be creepy to intrude in her mind.

I just, I don't know. I just wonder if she loves me the same way I love her.

Wait… why do I keep saying I love her? Do I love her?

I've had this conversations soooo many times though.

"Yes but Chad, you don't do love. You never have." Who the hell was that? Wait… a mirror?

I see myself? This makes no sense!

Wait. I'm dreaming. That's all this is. The mirror is talking to me.

"I do love! I love mother and father!"

"Mother and father? That's a bit too formal isn't it?"

"What's your point brain? Stop arguing with me!" Jeez, I need to lay off the cheese.

"Chad, you're not in love. You're just in lust."

"What do you know eh brain? You're meant to be logical! I KNOW me. I know my heart and soul."

"What heart and soul Chad? You've never been in love so how can you know you're in love!"

"BE QUIET Cooper! I'm not Chad Dylan Cooper anymore. I'm through with being a jackass!"

"Are you Chad? Are you really?"

"Go to hell brain! I love Sonny and that's all there is to it!"

"Fine Chad, but don't make too many mistakes..."

"I won't make mistakes, I just won't. I can't be Chad Dylan Cooper anymore. I just… can't."

"Why? Is Sonny revealing your real self? Are you willing to break down the wall that you've been holding up for all these years?

'Because Chad, I don't think you are willing. This wall has been keeping you alive… this wall has kept you away from the past.

'This wall is all you have from ever giving into the temptation of falling in love again.

'Do you want to be in love again Chad? Or do you just want to be loved?"

"STOP IT! I can't… I…"

"DON'T break your wall Chad; otherwise you'll lose the power. You'll lose Mackenzie Falls and you'll lose your posse… your cast mates. Your ego will be lost too and you won't ever have anything to fight for."

"But Chad Dylan Cooper… what if I want to lose all that? What if I don't like being arrogant and snobby anymore? What if I just want to be me, the Chad that once was? I hate Chad Dylan Cooper. I lost my way. I lost everything to YOU."

"How can it be my fault? I'm you. You're me. I'm a part of you that pushed everyone you loved away."

"I PUSHED EVERYONE AWAY BECAUSE THEY PUSHED ME AWAY! WHEN MOM DIED I LOST IT ALL. MY SISTER LEFT BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T DEAL WITH DAD AND DAD MADE ME INTO HIM! I'M JUST LIKE JONATHAN, THE GREAT JONATHAN LEE COOPER; THE WONDERFUL DAD WHO TURNED ME INTO A CONCIETED JERK. WELL DAD, I'M NOT HIM! I'M ME! CHAD DYLAN COOPER IS NOT ARROGANT, CONCIETED OR A JERK!"

I began to cry, hanging my head in shame. I just wanted to die at this point.

"Darling, please don't weep…"

I looked up, seeing that the person in the mirror changed into someone who I wished I still had.

My beautiful mom.

"Mom? Are you really here?"

"Hello Chad." She smiled at me, her face as radiant as when I last saw it. I went to give her a hug when I realised that I couldn't.

"Mom! Why are you here?"

"To talk some sense into you boy!"

"What sense? Wait… are you here to tell me to not love Sonny either?"

"Oh no of course not sweetie. I'm here to tell you that you need to tell her yourself."

"But I don't know how…"

"That's why I'm here. I'm here to tell you that if you don't tell her, you'll never break this wall. You don't want to be like your father do you?"

"No mom… of course not. I hate dad, mom… I really hate him."

"You don't hate him Chad; you just hate what he has become. He was never like this before we got married."

"What changed ma? Why did he change?"

"He got scared sweetie; he was afraid that you would make the same mistakes he did… he didn't mean for things to turn out the way they did. But Hollywood and the fame got you intrigued and they pushed you around. Your father couldn't do much else once you became famous. Everyone started loving you and your ego boosted up. I guess your father bullied you into it. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you darling."

"Ssshh no it is okay mom… none of this is your fault. It's mainly mine. I guess I just didn't realise how messed up things were until now. I just wish I hadn't been such a disappointment."

"Oh honey you're not a disappointment! You're a wonderful boy who's growing into a man. I mean Chad, I hate to say this… but I think you need to leave Mackenzie Falls. It's done great damage to you darling… they've pushed you around, made you too perfect."

"But I have no other acting jobs mom… I'll have nothing else."

"That's not true. You're a superstar actor… you'll get another role. Maybe you'll get a movie!" My mom smiled at me with glee, her eyes started filled with tears. She looked so wonderful.

"Oh mom how I wish you were still alive."

"Oh hush up! Don't start making me cry! I'm fine here Chad… just as long as you are happy. All I ever wanted was the best for you. Just promise me you will start afresh and tell Sonny the truth, okay?"

"I promise ma. It just may take a little time that is all."

"I know. But as long as you do it… you'll make me forever happy. You too are so great together and I would hate it if you threw that connection away that you two definitely have!"

"Okay mom. Thank you for always being here."

She gave me a blow of a kiss and I smiled. I almost started crying again.

I may want to be the old Chad again… but I hate how much I've become a sap.

Get it together Cooper, jeez.

I opened my eyes with glee. I felt at peace for now.

But my mom was right. I really had to do the things she told me.

I needed to tell Sonny about my dad and I needed to tell her I love her before it's too late.

I can't see myself with anyone but her. Okay, so I'm only 17… but people fall in love early sometimes right?

I just hope that the story between me and Sonny won't be some sappy love story that a 14 year old girl will read and weep to she's run out of tears. That's just stupid and so disgustingly over the top. I love Sonny, but I don't expect her to think I'm her knight in shining armour. I really am just an average dude. I say I'm not, but I am. Hollywood made me a 'super' dude. I'm no.1 in all girls' teen magazines of being the hottest guy alive! It IS flattering… and yet I hate to say this… but there is more attractive than me!

Oh my god did I really just say that? I'm losing too much of myself!

Shut it Cooper!

I'm taking control. I am me again and I'm never going back to CDC.

I'm not losing any of me… I'm regaining me.

Boy, this is going to be a long day.

I need to call Sonny. But first of all, I need to call someone who I never thought I would call again. But I needed to.

I'm going to call Selena.

She's the only besides Tawni that I can actually talk to about Sonny. I trust her more than Blondie, and she's all I have.

Gomez is my pal actually in a way… a proper friend who's a girl. I can count on her because she knows when I'm being a jerk and she knows when I'm lying. She's the only other girl apart from Sonny who sees me as me. It makes me feel a lot better that I actually have a real friend. I mean, I don't know if I'll ever get along with the Randoms, but they're actually okay and seem like nice people. But I can't tell them that yet. They'd always be rivalry, but I think I could change that to be more of a joke than being harsh.

Maybe everything will turn out nicely. I feel happier now that I'll be leaving all the drama snobs soon.

I always hated being one of them. They're worse than me.

I guess that's because I have a heart and they don't. Anyway so yes, things have been good between me and Sonny…but I'm worried she maybe having second thoughts. She's been acting weird lately, like she doesn't want anything more to happen between us. To be honest I don't know what we are. Friends with benefits? I wish I knew.

She hasn't really said.

It's like… she's almost playing games.

For once, I'm the one who's inferior.

I mean, I'm not being played with… but she's certainly in charge.

I'm too weak for her. She's dominant and extremely beautiful. I lose my mind when she's around. I can't ever think straight when she gets all husky and close to me. When she looks at me with those big brown chocolaty eyes, I lose all sense of sanity.

I dream about her far too much.

In fact, just now was the first time ever in a long time where she hasn't been in my dreams.

Usually the dreams of Sonny involve something intimate, fantasies of her in her underwear, like lingerie.

Other times they're just random and don't make much sense.

But I have my needs, and she is one of them. I need her more than she is giving me. It's like she's scared to trust me, and I hate that because I would never ever mislead the trust between us. I would stay loyal to her, always. She means too much to me to throw all of that away. I need her heart and soul. She almost has every part of me. I've practically shown my real side. The only thing left that she doesn't know is my past, and why I am the way I am.

Once she knows that, she will know me. She will own me and everything that is me.

I know I can trust her because she is the kindest person I know. She won't hurt me unless she has to. She won't hurt me because it's not in her nature. And if she does hurt me, it's only because I hurt her first. I don't plan to hurt her though, not anymore. But if I hurt her, I will kick myself. I will scream at my stupidity and won't ever forgive myself.

Anyway, back to calling Gomez.

I picked out my phone from my blazer pocket and dialled Sel's number. After a few rings, I heard her calming voice.

"Hello?"

"Hey Selena, it's me… Chad."

"Oh hey Chad! How's it going?" She sounded pretty happy. I wish I could be as happy as her at the moment, but all I was, was confused and stuck.

"Not brilliant. Things have been pretty hectic… and I need you to come round now if that's okay."

"Now? Sorry Chad, but no can do."

"Ah. What's keeping you busy?"

"Well… it's kind of personal."

"Wait… oh my god, you're not like…?"

"No Chad, get your mind out of a gutter. I'm just with my boyfriend okay?"

"Can you just bring him with you then? I NEED to talk to you."

"What about?"

"Sonny."

"Oh god, what have you two done now?"

"Nothing! I just need advice."

"Advice? You mean… you're going to…?"

"Yes, if I can pluck up the courage."

And at that point Selena was screaming her head off. She could have burst my eardrum if she weren't careful. I could hear her boyfriend asking her why she was screaming. Selena tells him what I said and he quickly comes on the phone.

"Hey buddy, good for you! Selena tells me how much of a jerk you've been in the past, so it's good you're finally showing your true colours!"

"Thanks dude. Derek, right?"

"Wow, you remembered my name!"

"Ha-ha, normally I would argue… but I do forget names all the time."

"Well, it's nice to hear you're coming out of your shell. I'll put you back to Sel now and I wish you the best!" That guy seemed really nice. I should try and get to know people better. I've been cooped up all this time, keeping myself to myself for far too long. I guess I've just been afraid? Hmmm yeah, something like that.

"Hey Chad are you still there?"

"Yeah, still here."

"Sorry I can't come over. It was kind of meant to be a nice night in between me and Derek, since it is our 8 month anniversary." Oops, I felt bad now. She should have just told me that instead of making me feel like a douche. "Selena! Why didn't you tell me that in the first place? We can end this conversation right now and I'll leave you to it. I understand a anniversary is important. Sorry Sel." There was a pause, and I almost heard her smile. "Awww, that's sweet Chad… but it's okay, I can give you some advice. So, how were you going to tell her?"

"I don't know Sel… maybe in a really romantic kind of way at a restaurant?"

"No, do something that she won't expect. She's a down to earth person Chad, and I think she'll prefer if you do something different instead of just going to an expensive restaurant. How about you plan something spontaneous? I mean, do you want to tell her tonight or can it wait?"

"You know what? Scratch that idea. I'm just going to blurt it out whenever. In fact, maybe I should tell her before I leave Mackenzie Falls." There was dead silence then.

"Selena?"

"What did you say?"

"I said maybe I should tell before I leave…"

"Are you serious?"

"What, about the falls? Yeah… what's wrong with that?"

"Nothing, I just… I can't believe you mean that. That's crazy. In fact beyond crazy… it's like taking a leap."

"I know. A very scary decision, but I'm free falling. I'm falling in love."

"That's how you should tell her Chad."

"That I'm free falling?"

"Yeah. It's a beautiful way of putting it."

"Really? Huh. Okay, I'll tell her that way then."

"Good. And tell her in front of everyone at Condor Studios. That will definitely prove you love her and how you're not afraid of anyone knowing anymore."

"Yes, that's perfect. I'll do it tomorrow."

"I'll stop by and watch" Selena giggles. I could almost feel her winking.

"Yeah well, you always love causing mischief."

"That's me, Selena Gomez, Wizards superstar." I had to chuckle, she was such a laugh sometimes. I'm glad I had a friend like Sel and the love of my life, Sonny. I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

"Thanks for the advice Sel, you're a good friend."

"No problem Chad. It's nice to see that you're changing back to your real self. But you need to promise me one thing."

"What's that?"

"You tell Sonny the truth about your dad."

"Okay, got it."

"Don't you dare break this promise Cooper."

"Of course not, I'll speak to you later Sel."

"Okay, see ya."

So I was left alone again to ponder my thoughts. Jeez, it ain't going to be easy telling her.

Just as I was about to flick on the TV, my phone rang. Really? Who the hell could be calling me? Oh right yeah, Sonny of course. Well, I'm sure whatever she has to say is lovely… considering she really is like a ray of sunshine.

"Hey Sonny, how's it going?"

"Hey Chad, everything's fine. Just letting you know I'm home now, so if you want to come round…. You can." Was it just me, or did her voice sound a little husky?

"Are you sure? You sound a bit… I don't know, different."

"What do you mean by different? Flirty? Cute? Sexy different?" What on earth was she err… was my brain turning into mush from this? I don't even… Jesus Christ.

"Sonny what are you… what are you talking a-about?" I was stammering now like a fool. What the hell?

"Well you said I sounded different… I was just giving suggestions."

"Oh well yes… but I wasn't expecting suggestions like that." Was she playing games or something? Man, she's so confusing.

"What's wrong with sexy or cute? Is that not how you see me? I guess I was wrong…" My god, she has no idea. She's more than 'sexy' or 'cute'. She's so motherfucking gorgeous. She's a complete and utter stunner, too much beauty for me to handle.

"Sonny god no! Of course you're sexy and cute." Oh great. I shouldn't have said that. Maybe she won't think that's bad and will think I'm sweet for saying so.

"Awww Chad… you think I'm sexy and cute?" Phew.

"Yeah! Who doesn't think that is stupid." Pushing it now…

"That's very sweet Chad. Now come over and we can have some fun." Fun? Oh holy mother of Jesus she is going to kill me. What the hell was she planning?

"Erm… sure okay. I'm on my way now."

"Great!" She hung up then.

Well, this is going to be a crazy night. What's even crazier is that I'm not even going to change my clothes.

I'm nearly back to Chad now. I can't even feel CDC in me anymore.

Well, I think I'll feel him still sometimes when I check myself in a mirror.

Oh, and I guess I will always believe I'm better than Zac Efron, considering he's nothing compared to me.

Right, off to Sonny's.

I went to open the front door to leave, when the last person I wanted to see was standing right in front of me.

Okay well… second to last to Zac Efron.

Dad.

Jonathan.

Mr Cooper.

Yes, my father.

"Hello dad."

"Hello son."

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I live here still… right?"

"Yes, but you know what I mean. I thought you weren't going to be back for weeks."

"Well, things change sometimes I guess."

"Right. Well, I'm off out so see you later."

Dad placed a hand on my shoulder. I didn't want to talk to him, but I knew he wanted to talk to me.

"Son, can I just talk to you for 5 minutes before you head out? Please?"

"Dad, you haven't spoken to me since you left 6 weeks ago. And even before that you haven't said much. You might as well just continue that same routine. I'm sure whatever you wanted to say can wait." I walked out the door past him, not looking back.

"Son! Please? I'm being serious this time. I need to talk to you about your mother!"

I stopped in my tracks. Goddamnit, why did he want to talk to about mom?

Okay! I'm going to stop it here! But don't worry, this story hasn't finished yet! The argument between Chad and his father will be coming soon when I get the chance to continue this since this past year has been real hectic and I have my final exams in 2 weeks! AHHH. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I had fun writing this one because I love writing about how Chad has to face his demons. Plus, I think the next chapter is going to be real interesting once I get all the ideas written down. You'll also understand what Sonny is up to next chapter ;)

Loony-Loonz