Chapter Eleven

"You haunt me. You crawl into the smallest spaces of my mind and you remind me of how I lost you. You're always there. Everywhere I go, you're there. Reminding me how I screwed up."

Horatio ran through the building. He knew where he would find her. It was the same place every time. It was the same thing every night.

He ran into the empty room of the warehouse. There she was, lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood.

"Jessica!" he screamed as he collapsed to the floor next to her. He gathered her dying body in his arms and looked into her pale eyes.

"Daddy, it hurts," she whispered.

"Come on, Bug, we need to get you to the hospital!"

"I won't make it," she whispered.

"Yes you will," he said, pain tearing through his voice.

"No, I won't," she said, barely audible. She gently held his face and forced him to look at her. "I'm going to die, Daddy."

"No you aren't," Horatio gasped, holding her tighter against his body.

"Just stay here with me," she whispered. "Just be with me, because this is how I want to go, Dad. I don't want to be at the hospital, having the doctors pump me with more blood and shock my heart to life. I'll be brain dead before they accomplish anything. Just let me die here, with you, alone. Just like Momma."

Pain tore through his body at her words. He looked into her blue eyes and gently stroked her hair.

"Alright, we'll just wait right here," he whispered. "We'll wait for Momma to come get you."

She smiled weakly up at him. "Thank you, Daddy," she barely managed to whisper. "I can't wait to see her again."

"Tell her I said I love her and miss her every day," Horatio whispered to his dying daughter. He looked at her pale face, watching her lips turn blue, as her blood soaked into his shirt. "Does it hurt still, Bug?"

"No," she whispered, "It doesn't really hurt anymore. I'm just tired, that's all."

"Why don't you close your eyes?" he quietly asked her, the tears already forming in his eyes.

She looked up at him, her eyes still bright with life. "Because if I do that I won't be able to see you," she whispered to him. "And I'm scared. I don't want to leave without seeing you one last time. I don't want to be alone right now."

Horatio stroked Jessica's cheek. He leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Just like your mother," he whispered. "You always were just like her."

She was quiet for a long time. Horatio thought she had passed until she softly spoke again.

"Tell everyone I love them," she whispered. "Tell them I'm sorry I had to leave so soon. Especially Ryan, Daddy. He's going to need someone. Take care of him and my babies. I know you have children of your own, but make sure Ryan's ok. He's not as strong as you. I'm worried about him already."

"Don't fret, Jessie Bug," Horatio whispered to her. "I promise I'll take good care of Ryan, Evan, Alison, and Amanda."

"Good, because I trust you, Daddy," she quietly said. "I know you'll take care of them. Don't let Ryan linger in the past too long. Remind him he needs to move on eventually. I won't mind, I promise." She smiled up at her father with a mischievous grin. "Tell him that Natalia still has the hots for him."

Horatio chuckled at his daughter's humor. "Ok, I'll tell him. I won't tell him right away, but I promise I'll tell him eventually."

"Good, but promise me you won't forget."

"I promise, Jessie Bug, I'll do everything you ask me to," Horatio whispered, holding her chilling body closer.

"You better not," Jessica whispered, her breathing weakening, "Because I'll be mad if you do."

They sat there in silence for several minutes again; Jessica's breathing becoming more ragged with every passing second. She reached up and cupped his cheek in her hand, looking deep into his eyes.

"I love you, Daddy," she said in a voice that was almost too quiet to hear.

"I love you, too, Jessie Bug," he whispered in response.

Her hand slid down his cheek and she released one last breath as the life left her eyes.

Horatio woke up screaming. He sat up in bed and screamed her name. Tears poured down his face as he clawed at the spot where she had just been lying in his arms. He continued to scream and cry as Arianna grasped him and held him in her arms. She whispered to him and stroked his hair and back, trying to soothe his pain from the reoccurring nightmare. He cried loudly as he buried his face against her shoulder and allowed her to hold him. Slowly but surely his cries began to subside, as Arianna continued to cradle him.

"I didn't keep my promise," he suddenly said.

"What promise?" Arianna quietly asked him.

"I didn't keep my promise to Jessica," Horatio cried as his body began to shake.

"What did you promise her?" Arianna asked.

"I promised I would take care of everyone," he gasped between sobs. "I promised her I wouldn't let everyone hurt because she died. I told her I would make sure everything would be ok once she was gone. I promised I wouldn't let everything fall apart because everyone was so distressed about her dying. But I didn't do it. I didn't do it because I'm the problem! I've ruined everyone's life because I couldn't hold it together!"

Arianna held him tightly against her body. She slowly began to rock with him, as if he was a child.

"You haven't ruined everyone's life," she finally whispered to him.

"Yes I did! I screwed up! I let everyone down!" he continued to cry.

"No you didn't," Arianna gently whispered, "You just needed someone to take care of you."

"But I don't have anyone to take care of me!" Horatio cried, "I'm the father, I'm supposed to take care of everyone else!"

"But you do have someone," Arianna whispered. She gently held his face and brought his gaze to hers. "You have me. I'm your wife and my job is to take care of you."

Tears poured down Horatio's face as he began sobbing again. Arianna held him securely in her arms and stroked his back. They sat there, like that, for several minutes as Horatio's cries began to subside again.

"I'm sorry," Horatio whispered.

"About what?" Arianna gently asked.

"About not having faith in you," he answered. "I should have known this whole time you'd take care of me and everyone else."

Arianna smiled and gently kissed the top of his head. "It's ok, we all forget sometimes."

Horatio slowly sat up and looked into Arianna's eyes, gently stroking her face. She gave him a weak smile and held his hand.

"You did keep one promise to her," she whispered.

"What's that?" Horatio asked.

Tears welled in Arianna's eyes as she held his hand tightly in her own.

"You let her die with her dignity," she whispered, her voice thick with tears. "She didn't want anyone trying to force her to live. She didn't want to be alive but only living because a machine was telling her heart to pump and her lungs to breathe. She didn't want to become a prisoner in her own body. She just wanted to go. She just wanted to have one last moment with her father."

Horatio's face crushed under the weight of the emotion of her words. Arianna held him again as his body shook with his cries. He buried his face against her neck and cried heaving sobs.

Calleigh looked at the worn out Arianna as she walked into the layout room.

"What's wrong, Arianna?" she quietly asked. "You look exhausted."

"Horatio's still having nightmares," Arianna quietly explained. "He wakes up every night screaming and crying in his sleep. I thought it was the alcohol affecting his dreams, but it's not that. There's something else going on that he's not willing to talk about."

"Have you tried talking to him?" Calleigh asked.

"Yes, but he won't talk. Even now when he's sober, if I try to ask him anything he shuts down and walks away. It's like he doesn't even want to try."

"Maybe he needs something to motive him to talk," Calleigh suggested. "You know, like maybe go to a therapist or talk to someone who doesn't know the situation."

Arianna shook her head. "He wouldn't even go to the department psychiatrist after she died. He was required to go but he never did. That was one of the things that caused him to loose his job. Since he outright refused to go Internal Affairs just saw that as one more thing to count against him."

"Maybe you can get it out of him?" Calleigh quietly asked.

Arianna shook her head and turned to leave. "If that was the solution I would have figured it out long ago."

Horatio's heart pounded in his chest as he ran down the beach. It was still early and there were few people. He ran along the shore, the ground still wet from the morning tide. He enjoyed running in the compacted sand. It was easier on his knees than the hard concrete of the streets.

He slowed to a brisk walk as he began cooling down. He wiped sweat from his forehead and took a drink of water. He stopped and looked out at the water, smiling to himself. His daughter had always loved the water. Even when she was little, growing up in Chicago, she would beg to go swimming every day. He chuckled at the memory of a young Jessica begging to go swimming in the middle of January.

"But Daddy, I want to go swimming!"

"Sorry Bug, it's too cold for that. There's still ice on the water."

"I'll swim under it!"

"No Bug, no swimming."

"I don't like you, Daddy H."

Horatio smiled to himself. He sat down in the sand and watched boats coast along the water. He sighed and just watched the world pass by. No one there knew of his demons. None of them knew what he had done.

Alexx walked over and sat next to him in the sand.

"How did you know I was going to be here?" he asked her.

"I know you better than you think, Horatio Caine," Alexx smiled. "That and I saw you running down the street so I followed you."

Horatio smiled at her and then looked back out at the ocean.

"What are you thinking about?" Alexx quietly asked him.

"Jessie Bug," Horatio whispered, "And how much I miss her." He shook his head in grimace. "She would be appalled if she knew what I did to myself and our family. I let everything fall to pieces and nearly killed myself."

She reached over and gently held his hand. "You were depressed, Horatio," Alexx whispered, "Sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're that depressed."

"I really did want to kill myself," Horatio whispered, bringing his darkest secret to the surface. "I had a pistol in my office, a revolver with one bullet in it. I would spin the chamber every night and then fire it against my head. Every night I got an empty chamber. Except for one night."

"The night Arianna shot you," Alexx whispered.

Horatio nodded his head. "That night the bullet was in the chamber. I hadn't tried yet." He looked out at the water again, thinking silently to himself. "I'm glad she shot me. It was a wake up call I needed. I probably would have been dead in another month or so from alcohol abuse."

Alexx leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Well I'm glad you got some kind of wake up call." She smiled as she looked at his new slim figure. "And it looks like you got a second wake up, too. How much weight have you lost over the last six months?"

"Twenty-four pounds," Horatio shyly smiled, "But I've put on a few pounds of muscle so there might be more fat loss than what's recorded."

Alexx smiled and leaned her head against his shoulder. "I'm glad you've turned your life around," she whispered. "It's what Jessie Bug would have wanted."

Horatio smiled and leaned his head against hers. "She's the reason I did it all."

Arianna walked up the stairs of the quiet house when she arrived home. She poked her head into each bedroom and found both empty. She wandered down the hall to the room she shared with her husband. Red rose petals littered the carpeting as she opened the door. The room was lit softly with candles and more rose petals covered the bed. Horatio sat at the foot of the bed, hunched forward with his elbows resting on his knees, his hands held together and his chin resting atop his knuckles. He looked up at her with his deep blue eyes and Arianna felt her heart melt.

He stood from the bed and walked to her. He was wearing only a silky pair of red pajama pants and a matching red silk robe. It was tied loosely at his waist, falling open to relieve his chest. He stopped before her and leaned in to gently kiss her.

"I was trying to decide how to pose on the bed when you came in," he whispered to her.

Arianna smiled and kissed him again. "I think you picked a good one," she quietly said. "It's the same position you always sit in when you're concentrating too hard."

Horatio chuckled lightly as he laced his fingers in her hair and brought her face to his again.

He led her to the bed and laid her out on top of the rose petals. He covered her in soft, gentle kisses as he began undressing her. He stared at her naked body and ran his hands across her smooth skin.

Arianna untied the belt of his robe and slowly slid it down his shoulders and off his arms. She touched his chest and arms and hard abs. She was amazed. It was as if he had the body of a god, not a sixty year old man.

"My god," she whispered, "If I couldn't see your face I would think you're twenty-six or something."

"What's wrong with my face?" Horatio chuckled in her ear as he kissed her neck.

"You have crow's feet," Arianna giggled.

She pulled at his pants and slowly slid them down his hips. She smirked to herself when she noticed he hadn't bothered with underwear. She kissed him and rolled over on top of him. She stared down at him. She touched every hard muscle in his body, taking in his new presence.

"It's like you turned back the clock," she quietly said.

"I was trying to turn my life back around," Horatio practically whispered.

Arianna leaned down and kissed him. "That's exactly what you did, and that's why I love you so much."

"I love you, too," he whispered just before he kissed her again and rolled back on top of her.

Arianna smiled and felt her heart explode with excitement. She hadn't heard Horatio say those words in so long.

Arianna gasped as Horatio slid into her. He was big and hard. He felt different from before. Arianna wasn't sure if it was because it had been so long or if it was Horatio's newly toned body.

His thrusts were slow and gentle. Arianna gasped and moaned in pleasure as Horatio filled her most sacred, inner self. She raked her nails down his back, just the way as she remembered he always liked it.

"It's been too long, Ari," he whispered in her ear. "I know I never said it, but I never stopped loving you."

Arianna moaned and wrapped her arms around his torso. "I loved you no matter what, Horatio."