I'm not entirely sure what this is... other than pure insanity. This was the most bizarre song that's been submitted so far, and it took me a while to figure out what the hell I was going to write that made any kind of sense. Of course, whether this actually does make any sense - or is even in-character - is up in the air somewhere. At least it made my husband laugh when he read it?

xxx

The Killers: Somebody Told Me (requested by ichigootaku)

"Somebody told me/ You had a boyfriend/ Who looked like a girlfriend/ That I had in February of last year…"

xxx

Breakfast is an awkward affair, with tension running high as various parties do their damnedest to avoid eye contact despite being seated in tight quarters at the same table and helping themselves from the same platters. Even Luffy's picking at the contents of his plate in silence, hesitant to devour the food before him with his usual reckless abandon, lest it start something that someone else will be inclined to finish.

Nami opens her mouth, closes it, gestures helplessly towards the butter. When Sanji leaves his chair to retrieve the dish from the opposite end of the table with stilted grace, she accepts it with a wan and rather lopsided smile. No one wants to be the first to speak.

The peace lasts until Zoro, stabbing at the eggs on his plate with a vehemence normally reserved for opponents on the battlefield, abruptly sends a sunny squirt of yolk flying through the air to spatter the sleeve of the dark-haired woman seated beside him.

"Aww, crap. Sorry, Robin."

"That's quite alri-"

"Shitty bastard; watch what the hell you're doing!"

"Oh, no," Chopper moans, sliding down until only his antlers and hat are visible, as the green-haired swordsman rises with a snarl of contempt, fingers tightening on and bending the fork still clutched in his fist.

"Fuck off, dartboard face! I fucking told her I was fucking sorry- you fucking heard-!"

A faint scraping sound, and all eyes are suddenly on Usopp, who s edging his chair away from the table with clear intentions of bolting out the door.

"Oh, no, you don't," Nami hisses, catching the sniper's arm before he can make a run for it. "This is partly your fault, anyway."

"B-But-"

"Sit the hell back down!"

"O-Okay..." He sinks back into his chair and does his best to imitate Chopper's slow descent beneath the table, but it's too late; there's two sets of angry eyes locked on him. Well, one and half sets- the cook's blond bangs are cloaking one narrowed blue orb.

They may be looking at him, but they're still yelling at each other.

"-the fuck's wrong with you, stealing other people s-"

"I didn t see your goddamn name on him!"

"O-Oi-" Usopp protests, flushing.

"SHUT UP!" Two voices roar in unison, drowning out Nami's sigh of exasperation, before the combatants turn on each other once again, utensils and heels now raised threateningly.

"-just because you can't talk Robin into the sack," the swordsman sneers, tilting his head towards the historian still seated and sipping her coffee as she watches the squabble with interest. "What the hell are you gonna do- ask him to straighten his hair so you can pretend you're fucking HER?"

Franky chokes on his cola.

"You- you-!" Sanji sputters furiously, cheeks blazing. Missing the raised eyebrow and speculative gaze of the woman in question. "AT LEAST I DIDN T ASK HIM TO ACTUALLY PRETEND TO BE SOMEBODY-"

"I ONLY DID IT ONCE!" Zoro screams back, apparently too flustered to realize what he's admitting.

Usopp's doing his best to force his face through the tabletop, arms crossed protectively over his head, avoiding the disturbed look that Nami's aiming in his direction.

"What in the world-?"

"Usually it's just Captain Usopp, and that's okay, I don't mind- sometimes he's the Pirate Hunter and the roleplay thing's kinda fun," her crewmate moans into the napkins. "-but the other night, he called me-"

"DON'T YOU DA-"

"-Sencho." The cook finishes smugly, and the fork in Zoro's hand breaks in two with an audible snap.

Seven heads turn as one to peer cautiously at Luffy, who stares back, chewing soundlessly on a strip of bacon.

The captain swallows, contemplates his undeclared first mate, perplexed. "Me? I thought Zoro just liked Usopp and Robin?"

"He WHAT?" Sanji demands, uttering an incredulous snort when the green-haired pirate folds his arms across his chest and sets his jaw. "Sure, whatever, tell me another-"

"Interesting," the new subject of their dispute remarks, a sly smile crossing her lips as she regards her younger crewmates thoughtfully. "Kenshi-san certainly didn't refer to me by any other name..."

Dead silence, and then there's a sharp crack as Franky slams his cola bottle down on the table and more than one person nearly jumps out of their skin. The shipwright explodes out of his seat, pointer finger of one gigantic fist wavering threateningly in Zoro's face. "That's not cool, Haramaki-bro! That's really-"

"Oh. Didn't know you were interested t-"

"Hold on a minute," Nami interrupts, a note of derision rising in her voice to mask the unexpected jealousy that's stirring at Robin's unexpected- monopoly?- of the mostly male crew. "What the hell's wrong with- you guys are so-"

"What?" Luffy asks. "Usopp likes Zoro and Sanji and you. Sanji likes you. I like you too."

"As do I." Robin states calmly and takes another sip from her mug.

"But- but- there s a big difference between like and-"

"Sex?" The older woman supplies helpfully. "If I'm not mistaken, I believe our captain is referring to the latter, as I was myself."

"Yeah, I meant sex," the captain informs them distractedly; he's too busy studying Zoro with interest to pay much attention to the distressed expression growing on Nami's face.

"But we can't just-"

"Says who?" Luffy asks, not-so-subtly scooting closer to his swordsman, who appears both alarmed and relieved at the prospect. "We're pirates. If Franky likes Robin, and Zoro likes me and Usopp and Robin, and Sanji likes Usopp and Robin and you, and Usopp likes Zoro and Sanji and you- oh, and me too- and-"

"Wha-" Usopp yelps, nearly falling out of his chair. "HOW DID-?"

"I think Robin likes pretty much everybody, and- oi, who does Chopper like?"

There's an awkward pause as everyone glances around, but the reindeer's now completely out of sight, only a timid squeak emerging from beneath his chair. "I-I think I like you all as friends. I mean, I'm sure you're all exceptionally attractive, but-"

"No fur," Franky muses, rubbing his chin. "Yeah, I guess that'd be kind of weird."