A Taste of Ashes
Chapter 12: Afterword from Bill
From the Journals of Bill Cipher: Why in the heck am I starting a Journal? I prefer a random way of life, and randomosity doesn't leave much time for writing and reflecting. In fact, I never reflect! Don't look back, that's my motto, and with only one eye and with only two dimensions, that's easy! Ah ha-ha-ha-ha!
That laugh sure looks dumb written out. Well, not actually written. I'm causing words to form in the air. Don't know what I'll do with them once I've finished, maybe steal some paper and slap them down on it. But why am I making a Journal? The question's driving me sane! Got to get to the bottom . . . of . . . that . . . mystery.
Hah! I know!
It's not me at all, it's Pine Tree! When I donated my molecules to him, I had to have something to protect my eye, so I grabbed a molecule here, a molecule there, from him! Just little stuff he'd never miss! And now my tie is all sorts of patchy colors, and that's because of him!
His molecules are influencing me!
Well, that's different. Never had anything like this happen before.
I mean, when I took over his ridiculous little noodle-armed body as my puppet, I didn't get contaminated then. Of course, I didn't try to take anything from him—who would want it? I wasn't molecule-shopping then.
OK, OK, let me make some sense out of all this. Though nonsense is usually sense enough for me! Next time I see Dipper, I have to remember to thank him for this little change of personality. Maybe by ripping out all his toenails. Why do people even have toenails? Fingernails I can see, you can use 'em as a backscratcher if you don't have a gold Fordsy around, but toenails?
I'm off the track. I can't think straight! I need my hat. Don't have enough power yet to grow a hat! I didn't tell Pine Tree, but that hat is vital! It's part of me! It's my antenna to pick up subtle radiation from my own dimension!
And that's where most of my brain is. With my hat, I could access my smarts, I could think and plan! I'd be more me than I am now! Oh, man, I miss it, but I don't mind it. 'Cause I don't have a mind to mind it with! Ah ha-ha-ha-ha!
Writing a laugh down really makes it look stupid. I need some minions with a bum sense of humor to laugh when I tell a joke. Nothing like a laugh track, except an audience of idiots!
Betcha Mabel would like my jokes.
I like Mabel. She's random! I should've possessed her instead of Pine Tree! She'd have liked that. Maybe if I'd given her body back afterward she'd have knitted me a sweater! Good old Shooting Star.
Of course, that time in the Fearamid, I was about to kill her when Fordsy and Stanley pulled that dirty trick, but that wasn't about my feelings for her. It was strictly business.
Stanley and Stanford, oh man. What low-down, sneaky, rotten cheaters they are! I really got to admire those guys!
Gah, I can't concentrate! Not enough of me, and not enough of my hat! Not anything of my hat. I calculate I'll have to double my size to be able to create one. Let's see, at the rate I'm going, that'll take twenty-one Earth years.
Molecules of me may be scarce, but I do have tons of junk and odd human memories lodged in my consciousness from possessing Ford and Pine Tree! Kid's books I never wanted to read, for example! I'm a cat in a hat!
Funny, I got nothing from Blendin Blenjamin Blandin. Zip-o. Possessing that guy was like possessing a lump of mashed time potatoes. Except they'd be more interesting.
The worst, the absolute worst part of being contaminated with Dipper's molecules is that whenever I do start to plan anything, I get distracted by daydreaming about Red.
The coolest person I ever met!
She's such an amazing girl! Did I ever dance with her? I have this weird memory of us dancing! And something called a kiss! Humans do it with the orifice under their nose. I'd use my eye. Ah, Red, Red! I'd like to transform her into a nice curvy circle and take her away with me to my own dimension.
Ah, Red.
No, wait, that's Pine Tree thinking, not me. I wonder if he's feeling more chaotic lately. Probably not. His mass is a lot greater than my mass, and the proportion of me in him is minute. Inside him, I'm a minute man. Well, he can just kiss my mass. Why do I even think those are funny? Something's serially wrong with me!
Also, I have this tune running through my head over and over, if I had a head for it to run through. Really catchy, and I keep getting glimpses of some kind of cartoony thing that's all about me. And Pine Tree and Shooting Star have, like, supporting roles. Hmm. Needs lyrics.
It's getting weird in Gravity Falls!
'Round each corner the Unknown ca-alls!
Dipper is facing dangers,
Mabel is dating strangers,
But when the chase begins,
They are the Mys'try Twins!
Shake my hand and you will see
That you never should trust in me! Bing!
Meh. I could do better. I know I could.
Just wait until I regrow my hat. . . .
The End. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Still looks dumb.