Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!
A/N: Thanks so much VagorielV, mikkir, amberholic89, SJ-23 and johnym for the kind reviews!!!! Here's another one for you :) Don't quote me 100% on the accuracy of the medical stuff...I'm enjoying the creative license of story making right now. :) I hope you all enjoy it! Give me a shout and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading everyone!
I don't have the energy to keep myself in this sitting position much longer. Well, at least I got to talk to Catherine one last time. I really hope she finds someone good for her....someone who won't let her down...someone that will make her happy...I'm such a failure...
Tears continue to slide down my face until I suddenly fall to my side and land now flat on the floor. Well, that didn't hurt the way I thought it would. Although, that sounds horrible! It sounds like someone is running their hand up and down a washboard.
It takes me a second before I realize that's the sound of my labored gurgled breathing...I'm choking on my own blood...great...
I wonder how long it's going to take to die...I wonder what's going to happen next. You'd think I'd be afraid...I'm actually kind of welcoming it.
It's funny the things that cross your mind at a time like this. I hope I'm wearing a decent looking bra and underwear. I hope it's not the bra that Cath always yelled at me to throw out because it was starting to tear and fray...I can't help it that it happened to be the most comfortable bra I owned...despite the fact it was falling apart...
I can barely see anything anymore, but I'm pretty certain my eyes are still open. I can't feel my body though...which is kind of disconcerting...other than then feeling that someone is sitting on my chest and each breath I take hurts worse than the last. It almost feels like a buzzing sensation in my chest when I try to breathe...and it damn well hurts!
Why does hearing have to be one of the last things to go...the horrible sound of what's left of my breathing really isn't the best thing to have as a final memory.
Speaking of memory...I'm getting the strangest flashbacks right now.
I can see Catherine studying that pager the first time we met...God she looked so cute....bling-bling...so hot!
I can see Grissom welcoming me to Vegas...You know, I like him better with the beard.
Warrick when I told him Holly had died. I wish I had approached that differently...I hurt him with that. He's a really good guy, he deserves so much better.
Greg air drumming to a Marilyn Manson song in the lab. I really liked his spiky hair...
Nick calling me sunshine with his smooth southern accent and amazing smile. He is such a sweetheart; he's going to make some lucky women a great husband...
Catherine standing in the break room saying, "When the spirit moves you, Sara. So, in your case, I guess, never."...Wait, that wasn't a good memory....that broke my heart....I don't want to remember that...
Catherine in the hallway yelling, "And I wouldn't have to be here if you were doing your job properly!"...I let her down and she thinks I'm useless...I guess I am...
Catherine in her pissed off low tone of voice saying, "You know, every time we get a case with a hint of domestic violence or abuse, you go off the deep end. What is your problem?"...I know, I'm unstable...I'm crazy...I'm stupid...I'm damaged...I really don't need to remember this right now. Please make it stop...
The look on Lindsay's face with a gun pressed against her head...Please, stop...
The look of Lindsay's dead eyes staring into nothing...
Catherine holding Lindsay's dead body crying...looking at me in disappointment and disgust....oh God! Please just let me die already...I more than deserve it...I should have had the courage and ended my life years ago...If I had Lindsay would still be alive and Cath would be happy...
"Sara....Sara!"
Lindsay? Linds? Is that you hun?...am I seeing things...You died baby....I'm so sorry!...Please forgive me Linds....Please...I love you....Lindsay?
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Hang on Sara...I'm almost there!
"What's the ETA on EMS?" I call into the radio.
"Five minutes detective Brass. Are you at the scene now Sir?" The dispatcher asks me.
"Pulling up now...I'll radio back with more information in a minute." I say as jump out of my car.
The sight that greets as I walk in the door takes my breath away. There is blood everywhere...too much blood...And Sara is lying in the middle of it.
"I have an officer down! I repeat I have an officer down! Please hurry with that EMS!" I scream into my radio as I fall to my knees and place Sara's bloody head on my lap. I try not to cringe at the squishy sensation under my hands.
"Sara! Sara, can you hear me sweetheart? It's Jim. You're going to be okay. Help is on the way. Just hold on for me sweetheart!" I say into Sara's ear hoping she can hear me.
The sound of her breathing is terrible. I don't think I've ever heard anything like it before. Her eyes are open and unfocused staring off to the side. Her entire body seems to heave with each labored, gurgled breath and her body is twitching randomly. There is so much blood! It looks like there is only one gunshot to the chest, but it's done a lot of damage on its way through. The internal bleeding must be terrible because she is spitting up a lot of blood.
I lean in close to her face and try to follow her line of sight to see what she's looking at...but it's just the empty room.
Then I hear it...the very soft, slurred and gurgled "Linds...Lindsay...Linds."
I grab Sara's face and gently turn her to face me.
"No Sara. It's not time for you to see Lindsay yet. You have to hang on for me okay hun. It's Jim. I'm right here with you sweetheart! Try and breathe Sara. Concentrate on your breathing." I say loudly into Sara's ear.
Her eyes are still unfocused staring somewhere behind me, but her eyebrows move down and furrow into a look of concentration and a strangled groan escapes her lips.
"It's okay Sara, I know you can hear me. Just don't try to talk okay. Save your strength. Try and breathe, I'm right here with you. Help is on the way." I say to her as I wipe some of the blood off her mouth, only to have a warm new stream take its place within a second and run down unto her throat. If help doesn't come soon...
I can hear you Jim! I can't see you...or really feel anything...but I can hear you!
"Sara, this may hurt, but I need to put more pressure on the wound okay. We need to stop the bleeding." Jim says as he readjusts his position.
Okay Jim...I trust you...I...OUCH!
"Breathe Sara! I'm sorry hun. Keep breathing Sara!" The weak moan that escaped Sara was enough to break my heart. She gasped and gurgled and choked and her eyes rolled back for a moment before reopening and resuming the unfocused gaze at God knows what.
I'm trying to breathe Jim...but it's getting harder. I'm so happy you're here though. I'm not alone. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. I hope to God you already know.
Her breathing is getting worse. I can actually see and feel air bubbles coming out between my fingers from the wound with every breath she takes. Her eyes are blinking slower and these twitching spasms she's having is really starting to scare me. She's not going to make it.
Hey Jim, are you still there? You've been a wonderful father figure to me. Please look after Catherine. She's really going to need help. I messed up with Catherine...big time...I've ruined her life...please help her, they way I couldn't...
Tears are starting to escape the corners of Sara's eyes. "Sara, stay with me! Don't you give up now! The medics are here! Can you hear them? They're here! Hang on! Stay with me Sara!" Jim screams as people storm in and start barking orders.
Hey Jim...Jim...do you see Lindsay too? Am I going crazy? Oh God, this must be it...I'm so sorry Lindsay, please forgive me...Lindsay's here Jim...look...
As the medics storm in and get their equipment ready. Someone yells at Jim not to remove his hand from the wound yet.
"Yeah, I know! But will you hurry up please...her lips are turning blue! Sara! Come on, keep fighting! Breathe!" I yell at Sara. Her eyes are still open, I hope she can still hear me.
Her body is still fighting and twitching. Her mouth is open and her chest is heaving upward violently, trying to breathe, but I don't think she's moving any air. It looks more like a reflex than actual breaths.
"She's turning blue guys! Do something!" I scream at the medics.
"Stay with me Sara! You're not alone sweetheart! I love you! We all love you and we need you! Fight for us! Fight for Catherine!" I yell into Sara's empty, teary eyes and blue face.
The spasms are slowing down. We are losing her!
"Okay Sir. Move your hand, we got her now. Okay guys let's intubate, get a line in and get her on a stretcher! We need to roll now!" One medic yells at another.
I can only watch in shock as they suction blood out of her mouth and try to put a tube down her throat. The frantic beeping that is the machine representation of her heart is way too fast to be good. But it's better than a flat line.
"I can't visualize the cords....give me more suction! There's too much blood!" Medic number one yells.
"Sats 69% and dropping...get the airway now!" One medic yells as the other suctions.
"Okay! Move! Give me cricoid pressure!" The first medic responds.
This is unreal....please tell me this is a nightmare! This can't be happening to us again! This will kill Catherine!
"Okay, I'm in! Hook me up! What are the sats?"
"53%...you must be in the wrong spot!"
"No! There are air bubbles escaping the wound! Deflate the cuff and try to move the tube lower and toward the other side! At least we can ventilate one lung and get her on the road. She needs a chest tube! She has a tension pneumothorax!" The medics yell at each other.
I've seen a lot of trauma over the years...but this seems so violent. I know they are helping her...but I hope she isn't in any pain.
"Okay sats are coming up. Good call! Let's get rolling guys. Thanks for the help detective. We'll meet you at the hospital." Medic number one says while putting a collar around her neck and snapping into action.
"Take good care of her please." I manage to say over the chaos.
"Yes Sir." They call out and then they're gone.
Keep fighting Sara! Please God, keep fighting.
As much as I want to go with her, I better stay here and wait for Catherine. She should be here any minute.
God help us all.