Sorry
Written by: chochowilliams
Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Summary: AU. He ran from Shuichi once. Will he take this second chance or let his past keep him from true happiness? Ryuichi/Shuichi, Shuichi/Eiri
Chapter summary: Eiri finally pushes Shuichi too far and the singer snaps. After he cools down, what will Shuichi's answer be?
Warning: AU, Angst, drama, romance, language, m/m sexual content, Ryuichi/Shuichi, Shuichi/Eiri
Inserts: --
A/N: I decided to give you guys two chapters just for the hell of it. I hope you enjoy them!
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Chapter 11
"How the bloody hell could this be such a difficult question?" Eiri bellowed as he stalked back and forth across the room in an air of intense fury.
Shuichi cowered farther into the sofa cushions, his trembling body curled into a tight ball. Tears streamed continuously down his cheeks. His quiet sobs were muffled further by the shaking hands clasped before his quivering mouth.
Hearing the one, he loved crying pitifully just sprinkled salt on an open wound. "Yes or no Shuichi!"
Shuichi jumped reflexively at the hard tone with a yelp. He gazed at Eiri through tears that stung his eyes and blurred his vision. His ineptitude at being able to give Eiri an answer sent a tsunami wave of guilt ripping through him, but more so because of the pain and hurt that he must be making his beloved feel. He could not bear to gaze into those gorgeous eyes and that sexy face that he had fallen in love with on that night one year ago.
"I can't believe you'd even consider returning to that bastard!" Eiri glowered at the smaller man huddled on the couch. "How the hell can you still feel any shred of loyalty to him?!"
Timidly, Shuichi made to open his mouth, though he was unsure what he was going to say. He had no defense or any excuse for his inability to come to a decision, but before he could complete the movement, Eiri beat him to it.
"And don't give me that crap about him 'being your husband'!"
Shuichi flinched. He was not sure if it was in reaction to Eiri's violent tone or guilt over having his own words thrown back at him.
"Because if that's your only excuse then you don't have a fucking leg to stand on!"
Shuichi had nothing to say to that. He was not sure what to say period. But something about what Eiri said sent a painful jolt through his heart.
"Do you think he gave a damn about those promises you made to each other?" Eiri yelled. His face turned red. "Do you think he was thinking of you while he was fucking my brother? Why do you stay with a man who obviously doesn't give a damn about you?"
Shuichi screwed his eyes shut and pressed his hands over his ears. No more, he thought crying in earnest. No more!
But Eiri was doing well and ignorant of the turmoil Shuichi was going through. "Why the hell do you think he pulled out of the tour at the last minute?" Eiri indicated the laptop sitting idle on the coffee table. "Why don't you take another look if you forgot?"
Shuichi did not want to hear anymore. His head was spinning and his chest hurt. "Stop it," he sobbed silently.
"Because he was 'sick'?" Eiri mocked, not hearing Shuichi's plea.
"Stop it," Shuichi repeated through his tears.
"He looked perfectly healthy to me when he had his tongue down my little brother's throat!"
Something in Shuichi snapped. "I said stop it!" the singer shouted.
Eiri gaped at his burgundy haired wonder. He blinked stupidly; his angry words choked out of him. "Shuichi?" he called softly in surprise.
Sobbing miserably and weeping a torrent of tears, Shuichi slowly unfurled himself from the couch and carefully got to his feet. With dull brown eyes red rimmed and bloodshot from crying and with a runny nose, Shuichi glared at the doctorate student. "Here you are bad mouthing Ryu for being the world's worst partner LIKE YOU HAVE A BLOODY LEG TO STAND ON," he cried angrily throwing Eiri's words back at him. He had the privilege of seeing the other man flinch. Sniffling, he continued. "I know better than you what kind of man he is! And you're not any better than him!"
Eiri could do nothing more than stare at Shuichi in shock, taken aback by his outburst.
"YOU ABANDONED ME FIRST," Shuichi yelled his voice thick with tears.
The wannabe author was at a loss for words, too shocked by the venom in his little lover's voice.
"So, I gotta choose, huh?" Shuichi asked, his voice leveling off. He snorted at the irony. "What a choice," he laughed.
Eiri was not sure what hurt the most, the words being thrown at him or the realization that he had hurt Shuichi worse than he could ever have imagined.
"My first love who dumped me because he was 'too afraid' to commit or my current lover who can't seem to remember WHERE TO DOCK HIS FUCKING SHIP!" With tears streaming down a face twisted with grief and torment, he stood in the middle of the living room, panting under the effort of juggling his emotions.
Eiri was flabbergasted. He was beyond words, beyond thoughts, beyond anything even remotely rational. He could only stare dumbfounded at his hysterical lover. Was he responsible for this? Had he driven Shuichi this far? An overcoat of guilt was draped upon his body as snuggly as his fair skin. What had he done? He took a step forward and held out his hand towards Shuichi. "Shu-"
Shuichi recoiled violently.
Eiri's heart gave a painful lurch. "Shuichi," he whispered, hurt by Shuichi's denial.
Shaking his head, Shuichi held out a hand to ward the blond god away. He took a step back, then another and another. With a sob, Shuichi tore into the bathroom and slammed the door closed behind him.
Eiri watched the bathroom door sadly. What had he done?
+--+--+
An Hour Later
He did not envy Shuichi. To him it appeared to be a cut and dry case, but it was not him. He was not the one who had to make the choice. If he were Shuichi, he honestly had no idea what he would do. He would like to say he would kick Sakuma's two-timing ass to the curb, but truthfully, he could not say with absolute certainty that this was what he would do. You can brag all you want about what you would do in any given situation, but unless you have been in that situation before or at least in a similar one, all you really have are speculations and assumptions. He knew that, but he had not really understood it until an hour ago when he made a complete ass out of himself.
Eiri watched the amber liquid hypnotically as it sloshed around in the glass. The rapid rotation of the alcohol created a vortex into which was the eye. Stilling his hand, he lifted the half glass to his lips and drained it of its contents. He grimaced as the alcohol burned its way down his throat.
He exhaled heavily through his nose as his head dropped back against the top of the armchair.
Eiri swung his arm out to the side over the side table and set his now empty glass down on the small, white, square napkin he was using as a costar. A water ring entrenched the inside of the napkin.
Lifting his hand up, he stared at his fingers wet with condensation. Rubbing his middle finger and thumb together, he watched as a droplet of water rolled in spurts down and around his finger to settle into a pool in the webbing between his fingers.
Hazel eyes golden like the sun turned to the door on the far side of the room. In the dimly lit suite, the sliver of light shinning out from under the closed bathroom door was a beacon of light. Instead of welcoming Eiri's presence, though, it was a deterrent warning him away. His heart ached to know that Shuichi had thrown up that barrier between them.
Depressed and drowning in a sea of guilt, his hand dropped into his lap and the corners of his lips turned down. Reluctantly, he tore his gaze from the bathroom door and stared off into a shadow-hidden corner blankly, trying not to think of what could happen when the bathroom door opened.
He had forced Shuichi into making a decision. Shuichi could stay with a man who had proven repeatedly he could not be trusted, which meant that he would lose Shuichi forever. Or, Shuichi could walk away from the man who could not take his vows seriously and give Eiri a second chance. There was one other choice Shuichi could make and after what Eiri spewed out earlier, he could not blame the purple haired pop star if he did walk away. His heart lurched painfully at the mere possibility. If Shuichi made the decision to return to Japan without him, he would never be able to forgive himself. Because he let his emotions get the better of him, he might just lose the love of his life forever. Cursing his own stupidity, Eiri squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head forward then slammed it back with a snap of his neck. The thick cushion kept him from hurting himself, much to his chagrin. He raked his fingernails over the arms of the chair, mentally berating himself.
With tears burning his eyes and his throat closed over a sob, Eiri took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he tried to calm himself down. He forced himself to relax and collapsed into the armchair. Clearing his mind, he tried not to think of anything.
He was not sure how long he stayed like that when into the silence broke a small timid voice.
"Yuki."
Startled, Eiri's eyes snapped open. He raised his head and turned towards the sound of the voice. Growing wide eyed, Eiri scrambled out of the chair. "Shuichi," he whispered. He watched anxiously with his heart in his throat as the vocalist stepped barefoot out of the bathroom and into the living room wrapped in a white terrycloth bathrobe that looked like it was several sizes too large. Tan skin glistened. Burgundy hair appeared black, as it lay plastered to the side of Shuichi's head.
Those large dark eyes darted around the room. They studied the floor. They glanced out the sliding doors and into the night. They were anywhere but on Eiri. Those small hands with the slender, nimble fingers were clasped together so tightly the knuckles were white. Then the next second he was wringing his hands before holding them still again.
Cautiously, Eiri gulped and took a step toward his little lover. "Shuichi," he called. Please say something, he pleaded. His heart was thumping so loudly it was a wonder Shuichi did not say something. His mouth had gone dry. A fine trembling shook his entire body.
Finally, Shuichi stopped fidgeting. His lithe body hidden under the large robe grew still. His hands fell loosely to his sides, swinging freely and slowly his head turned towards Eiri. Obsidian eyes free of their mask stared across the twilight strung room at Eiri. Despite the lasting effects of having been crying for the past hour or so, Shuichi's eyes gleamed with a renewed light. Confidence.
That was when Eiri knew. Shuichi had made his decision.
"Yuki," Shuichi stated calmly, his voice barely above a whisper. He stared pointedly into Eiri's eyes.
Gulping, Eiri licked dry lips and took a deep trembling breath. His hands clenched into fists then relaxed. They itched to reach out and pull Shuichi into his arms. He had to fight the urge to drop to his knees before the man in a kowtow position and beg for his forgiveness. He loved Shuichi, had from the moment he looked across the packed nightclub and watched him sauntering across the stage. And it was that unexpected feeling that sent Eiri running away in fright.
It was a cop out to confess to a traumatic event in one's past that was keeping you from following where your heart was trying to lead you. Unfortunately, he was that fool and it cost him his chance at love. He just hoped his big mouth had not cost him this final chance at Shuichi. He would never be able to forgive himself if it had, because he knew if he was turned down, if his affections were refused then that was it. He would never get another shot. Three strikes and you are out.
As he waited, unsure what to expect, the silence stretched. Silence had never bothered Eiri before. He liked peace and quiet. Solitude suited him the best. He preferred staying at home reading a good book on a Friday night to going out. Being forced into going to a party or get together of some sort was the worst. He was never one to make small talk, but Eiri found himself beginning to grow fidgety as the silence continued to expand around them. He had never once felt the need to shatter the silence before now. He normally felt comforted by it, but not this time. Eiri made to open his mouth, not really sure what he was going to say- if he could force his brain and larynx to synchronize properly first- but before he could, Shuichi spoke up.
"Let me say something, okay?" the vocalist asked.
Eiri started to nod.
"Can you just…just listen to me for a second?"
"Of course," Eiri replied softly.
For the first time in over an hour, a smile transformed Shuichi's face.
Cute, Eiri thought unconsciously, but the smile vanished as Shuichi dropped his head. Eiri watched him as a nauseous feeling in the pit of his stomach stirred to life. He could not remember feeling this nervous before. It was the feeling you get on the first day of school or when you ask that special someone to spend the rest of his or her life with you.
Shuichi could not stop Eiri's angry remarks from echoing through his head. Unfortunately, Eiri was right. He did not have "a fucking leg to stand on", because as many times as he went over everything in his head that was the only excuse he had to give. Eiri had asked him why he stayed with a man who did not give "a damn about those promises" they made to each other.
Two men cannot legally get married in Japan, unfortunately, but they can have a commitment ceremony and that is what Ryuichi and he had in a private ceremony last month. Ryuichi had wanted to prove that he had no intention of doing anything that would threaten their relationship or Shuichi's trust in him again. It was those promises they made to each other before the minister, God and their family and friends that made Shuichi uncertain about what he should do. He promised to stay with Ryuichi until death do they part, forsaking all others and Shuichi took his vows very seriously, even if his partner did not and it was that realization that made what Eiri said to him earlier that much harder to listen to. What had upset Shuichi the most about Eiri's rant earlier was the hard reality that everything he spewed out in his angry tirade was the absolute truth. Everything.
Shuichi could not help but question himself. Was something wrong with him? Was he in some way responsible for Ryuichi's wandering eye? Had he not been a good enough boyfriend and husband? Was he unable to completely satisfy Ryuichi in bed? People had always told him that he tended to talk too much. Had his blathering gotten on Ryuichi's nerves? Had he done something to drive Ryuichi into the arms of Eiri's younger brother? Was it his fault that Ryuichi had been unfaithful?
Eiri watched the flicker of emotion flash across Shuichi's face. He wished he could see into the boy's head. He frowned as he watched Shuichi's face twist into an ugly mask of grief, misery and guilt. His heart ached to see that solemn expression on his face. The urge to wipe that unbecoming expression off Shuichi's face lured Eiri around the coffee table and across the expanse that separated them. He stopped before Shuichi and gazed down into eyes clouded over. Emotion swirled like a gathering storm in them.
Reaching out, Eiri tapped Shuichi under the chin. "Hey, hey," Eiri called softly, trying to gain the boys attention. "What's going on in that empty head of yours, huh?" he asked in a light tone.
"Nothing," Shuichi replied automatically with no thought.
Eiri cocked an eyebrow. "Got that right," he snorted in amusement.
"Huh?" With a blink, Shuichi lifted his head and gazed at the author in confusion. "What?"
Chuckling, Eiri shook his head.
He had missed something. He knew he had. He just was not sure what. Shuichi's brows drew together.
Seeing Shuichi unable to fathom what had apparently gone right over his burgundy head, Eiri cinched Shuichi's chin, still chuckling. Stooping, he pressed his lips against the boy's forehead. When he pulled back, he met Shuichi's wide-eyed startled expression. Pleased with the result his actions had yielded, he let go of Shuichi's chin. He gently brushed his knuckles up Shuichi's cheek. Instantly, the startled expression softened.
Shuichi closed his eyes and savored the delicious shiver that raced through his body. He drew in a trembling breath and let out a deep, contented sigh. "Yuki," he breathed.
"Shuichi," Eiri responded.
A hot blush colored Shuichi's cheeks. Feeling strangely shy all of a sudden, he peered out from half laden eyes at Eiri. Biting back an embarrassed grin, he dropped his head to hide the involuntary response Eiri seemed to be able to elicit from him.
Eiri chuckled. He is so cute, he thought again as he moved to cup Shuichi's cheek.
Shuichi rubbed his head against the cool touch of Eiri's hand.
"So," Eiri drawled, brushing his thumb in lazy circles under Shuichi's eye.
He did not even have to ask. Heaving a sigh, Shuichi reached up with his left hand and grasped Eiri's hand.
Eiri's eyes flickered quickly to the hand now holding his.
Shuichi searched those hazel eyes clouded over in confusion and fright and smiled.
Returning the smile uncertainly, Eiri fingered a damp lock behind the singer's ear with his free hand.
Gently, Shuichi peeled Eiri's hand from his face. He held the older man's hands firmly. Lowering his head, he stared at the floor beneath his bare feet.
Here it comes, Eiri thought feeling nauseous all of a sudden.
Shuichi once again tried to gather his thoughts. He hoped Eiri did not hate him after he told him what he had to tell him. "Yuki?"
Gulping, Eiri lightly squeezed Shuichi's hand clasped within his.
"I love you so much," Shuichi confessed.
A tender half smile crossed Eiri's face. He was not sure whether to rejoice at the admission or fear for the worst.
Shuichi lifted his head and stared fixedly into those depthless orbs he had fallen in love with on that night one year ago. "And…I want…to be with you." He turned red after the words left his mouth.
The half smile grew into a shit-eating grin. With his free hand, Eiri reached out for the singer. He thought of poor Sakuma who would be landing at Lester B. Pearson International Airport anytime now, if he had not already. Told you I would make him mine, he thought smugly. But that self-satisfaction was short lived when Shuichi shied away from his hand. His heart lurched painfully. "Shuichi?" Eiri called. Shuichi's rejection ripped through his heart. "Wh-?"
Shuichi shook his head.
Eiri's heart dropped into his stomach…
--TBC--
Preview: Is Shuichi really choosing Ryuichi over Eiri? Or does he have a sinister plan?