Hi, guys!
We're approaching to the end. Yeah, I'm a bit sad. I'm always a bit sad when things end. But they have to, right?
I'm still waiting for your precious reviews. Please please please, guys! C'mon!
Enjoy the reading!
the old phib
Chapter Twelve – Part One: Don't You Remember
Three Weeks Later, New Year's Eve:
The snow began to softly fall on the ground during that beginning of night, the flakes slowly pirouetted chasing the light breaths of the wind. It was not a windy night. It was quiet. Like always when it snows. The snow calms everything down. It's its silent slipping. The rain is noisy, it's loud, it's impudent. The snow is discreet, it's peaceful, it's almost shy. The rain drops, pours, splashes. The snow flutters and when it touches the ground it vanishes like it's never existed. It's kind of magic.
I love the snow. It's not winter without snow to me and today was the first snowfall of this winter and so I can't lose it. Plus I've absolutely no desire to stay home. Home...at my house...a house is not a home, said the great Dionne...holy words...and I couldn't bare to stay there anymore. I was lonely. Lonely in my fucking flat. Some guys of my dance school invited me to a party I haven't even taken the trouble to understand where. I've absolutely no desire to celebrate with them. They were funny and kind and whatever, but...you know...there's just one person I want to celebrate with. But she was...well...let's go out. Let's go out, me me and even me! All together! C'mon! Damn...fuck off...fuck off...awwwww! The snow!
The road was completely desert. It was something past 9 o'clock p.m. and everyone was already somewhere ready to party. Some houses were in the dark. Some others shone in the night with all their Christmas lights, the fun and the friend's cars parked in the path. The blonde was walking. She apparently seemed lazy and someway untroubled. She looked around, but without smiling.
The snow is just the second thing able to make me happy. The first, well, the first is her...
She was wearing a pair of washed-out jeans, a pair of black combat boots, a short brown jacket with coat inserts, the hands in the pockets, a woolen smooth huge hat and an old leather brown bag that San bought her when they were sixteen and she was walking, she was walking under the snow that began to dress her blonde hair like little pearls. Maybe it was her look, her blue eyes were still so surprisingly cutely enchanted by the miracle of the snow, that anyone catching sight of her graceful figure flying like a light and colored butterfly through the flakes could guess she was already 42 years old. Then she put the hands out of the pockets in order to try to seize some flakes and her look inevitably dropped on her ring. She stared at its glitter in the darkness and she let out a sigh, then a little bright tear slipped rapidly down her cheek. Suddenly her blue eyes were 42.
You know when sometimes things run too fast...and it happens independently that you want it or not. It's like you were carried away by the course of the events. And if you're lucky enough that the place this happenings lead you is the one you look for, well, in this case you like it, you like it because it's like something comes towards you and make you breath at time. But then? Then? When this unhoped-for drive ceases? The things slow incredibly down...even more than they went before the events started to go the way you want to. I suppose...yeah...I suppose this is what happened after her operation...
During the days of the hospitalization, they were 5, I was almost always there, there with her and she seemed so happy in spite of everything was happening to her...I don't know, but she, Joey, me...you know...we were a family again...we helped her relaxing her nerves, beginning to walk more and more, in the room before, along the corridor then, keeping her company and...well...everything seemed to proceed without a hitch, even when she came back home...I usually went there in order to help her in order to make the lunch, keep the house clean, do shopping and whatever. Joey's Christmas holiday hadn't begun yet and Santana couldn't exert herself and even if she had wanted to, I'd have totally prevented her to. She might relax. And then little by little she started to feel better and better, Joey's holidays began and my help started to be less necessary.
It's 5 days I've not seeing them. I miss them in a way that breaks my heart and the worse thing is that in this moment I don't have any idea...I don't know what the fuck can I do. I'm just sad and downhearted...I called her yesterday...I can't hide the fact I felt foolishly disappointed when she said to me some co-workers of the record company had invited her to dinner for the new year's eve and she said yes...I don't know, I kinda hoped that...that...I don't know, but...not that...
"And you?"
"Uh...ehm...I-I...I have not decided yet, but...well, it doesn't really matter."
"You're wrong. It's you we're talkin' 'bout, right? And you is a subject I'm really really interested in."
"Well, I...sincerely I've absolutely no desire to celebrate."
A brief silence at the other hand of the line, then she spoken:
"Well, not so much desire me neither, but...you know, they've insisted 'til I said yes and...yeah..." she ended like she was trying to justify her choice...but I didn't want her to...well, I wanted her to, but it was totally selfish and it wasn't fair...
"They did it right. Some fun will totally totally be good for you."
"Hope so. Will I see you soon?"
"Whenever you want to. I hug you."
"Bye, Brit-Brit."
And so here I am...here...lonely under the snow...lonely with my broken heart just San can fix...lonely with no ideas...lonely without knowing what can I do at this point in order to make the final step that would permit me to definitely go inside her life like I'd done before I took the ridiculous decision I'd been better without her...fuck off to me...fuck off to me...and fuck off to the beings back at the square one...
It was more her feet then her mind bringing the blonde home. The real one this time. She stopped her distract walking on the footpath that was almost completely white by now. She had walked more than thirty minutes without paying any attention about the where, like she did always when she was intensely thinking deeply adsorbed into the corners of her mind. She glanced at the house neither too much surprised, the lights were off, except for the Christmas ones she had put all around the door a couple of weeks before. She made an undoubtful step to go away from there, but then the tinkle of her keys in her bag like bringing her down to the heart gave her the push to concretize her masochist desire to walk through the path and go inside.
I don't know, but...in that moment I didn't cared San and Joey weren't there...I just wanted to feel home...just for tonight...just for the night that you might feel home the most...the new year's eve night...c'mon...
She cleaned her boots on the mat and she opened the door. The just warm of the sensation to finally be home heated her bones. Her hair and her hat were sopping wet so she decided to light the fireplace in order to avoid a cough. She stayed there on her knees a couple of minutes losing her look into the calm crackling of the sinuous tongues of the fire with her hands reached out for its warm. Then her eyes met San's i-Pad that lied on the living room's table. San had all her life inside that i-Pad. All her photos, all her music.
In that moment I felt a sudden urge to flow under my fingers some photos, some of the life we lived together…this is the perfect night to remember, isn't it?
The woman relaxed on the sofa, with the i-Pad in her hands, she put on the earpieces and before going to the photo gallery she pitched some music.
Let's see if her tastes are changed during this year…"25 most played songs"…God…God…the first titles that my look gazed on retraced step by step our love story…"Landslide"…"Songbird"…they were the perfect soundtrack of our lives…"Constant Craving"…I laughed a bit when I read "We Found Love"…I still remember that she didn't absolutely like that song when Mr Schue assigned it to us, but then she tried to sing it and she said to me that it embodied the exact feelings she felt in that precise period of her life…well…let's go…close your eyes and randomize…
"Time is gonna take my mind
And carry it far away where I can fly,
The depth of life will dim the temptation to live for you,
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
'cause it's all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather.
So I put my arms around you around you
And I know that I'll be leaving soon.
My eyes are on you they're on you
And you see that I can't stop shaking.
No, I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes
'cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath,
Oh, could burst it if it were a bubble
And I'd better dream if I have to struggle.
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong,
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me.
I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you,
No need for anything but music,
Music's the reason why I know time still exists."
The tears started to stream down her face. Her fingers rapidly had selected the album of the very first journey they had taken when they re-met after the years they had stayed parted. They were 32 years old and they went to Paris. God…it was the most romantic and amazing journey of my life…we had re-met after all those years and we were finally together…look at us…we were so happy…the laughs, the jokes, the kisses…God…God…
"Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am.
Some try to hand me money, they don't understand,
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I've been in love with you?
'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
So I'm not moving,
I'm not moving.
Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.
'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
So I'm not moving,
I'm not moving,
I'm not moving,
I'm not moving.
People talk about the guy,
Who's waiting on a girl, oh whoa,
There are no holes in his shoes,
But a big hole in his world.
Maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner,
'Cause you'll know it's just for you."
Now we were younger…we were seventeen and we were at "Breadstix"…haha…God…that was definitely our place…the place of our first official date…I've ordered shrimps…and she paid…I've always liked to take photos…especially photos of her…she was so overwhelming beautiful…she is so overwhelming beautiful…even if the years pass…she's amazing…in a different way…but she's still the same…
"When will I see you again,
You left with no goodbye
Not a single a word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seam,
I had no idea of the state we were in.
I know I have a fickle heart
And a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head.
But don't you remember,
Don't you remember
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more.
When was the last time
You thought of me,
Oh have you completely erased me from your memory,
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do the less I know.
I know I have a fickle heart
And a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head.
But don't you remember,
Don't you remember
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more.
Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me.
Why don't you remember,
Don't you remember
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more.
When will I see you again?"
Yeah…I remember…I remember, hon…and I still love you…right like that time…it was Christmas…Joey was with us fortunately…we spent all the evening laughing and telling her - she was like 8 years old I suppose – tons and tons of stupid things about our youngness…we talked to her about the Cheerios and the Glee club and the coach Sylvester and mr Schue, about the loves and the feelings and the bullshits we made…God, the Christmas tree was huge that year…huge…
"I'll get away, get in the car,
I'll reach the shore before sunrise
And I'll watch the moon and stars,
I'll tell them everything about us.
I left last night,
I reached the shore
Trying to find everything I lost
In a thousand waves
A million waves,
Still somewhere I am sure
That I will see your face,
I will see you there.
Morning sun
Before you will rise,
Before you'll come and shine again on us,
Let me find, let me find, let me find
Some comfort in the night,
Cause I don't mind what I've lost,
I've reached the shore
And nothing ever changed,
In a thousand waves
A million waves
Oh still I look for love.
And all I see is your face,
So I come back home to you.
I bleed but I'm choosing you again,
I'm done but I'm ready to begin."
Oh, God…this was for me…this was me…God…God…how can she understand always so perfectly my feelings? How many times she thought about me like I thought about her…"trying to find everything I lost"…I lost myself, hon…I lost myself…but I found it again…I found myself in you, where I've always been…
Suddenly the song ended and another melody began to spread through her ears. She'd never heard it before. But she liked it. The music was a bit sad, but totally capturing. There was just a piano and a guitar. Now the drums. And a bass. When the voice began to sing Brittany felt her body melt. It was her voice. It was San's. Her wonderful, scathing, blown, hot, wrapping voice. The words naturally slipped through her full lips, the blonde could almost feel her breath near her ear. She closed her eyes feeling totally overwhelmed. She couldn't neither distinguish the words she was hearing. She just heard the notes sensually soaking in her mind. She could almost feel her hands delicately running through her body, taking off her clothes damp because of the snow, untie her bra… Suddenly the song ended, so she jumped and restarted the song in order to really listen to her words. "Until this dream ends" was called the song. Music and words by Santana Lopez. God…God…
"Sometimes I wonder why,
Sometimes I wonder if
Sometimes I was that girl
Who I'd like to be so long.
The heart was open wide,
The thoughts were torn apart,
The hair was free to fly,
The hands were free to catch.
I've tried so hard to change my mind,
I've tried so hard to change my time,
but hearts and skies keep rainin'.
The things I wanna forget keep burinin'.
I picture you livin' through your days,
I picture you cravin' though your wills.
I'd like to be the one for you,
but things don't go the way you want to.
I've tried so hard to change my mind,
I've tried so hard to change my time,
but hearts and skies keep rainin'.
The things I wanna forget keep burinin'.
So come on wind, don't wait
To be asked twice, come on,
I said, go inside of me,
At least until this dream ends.
At least until this dream ends.
At least until this dream ends."
And while the strong notes of "We Are Young" began to boom out the earpieces her blue eyes were filled of tears.