Chapter Twelve

"Sammy? Can I talk to you for a moment?" Erik asked nervously, limping in with his cane. Sam looked at him impassively, the glazed, dead look in her eyes more haunting than any amount of screaming or crying. She nodded once.

"Your friends are here to see you." Sam raised an eyebrow.

"I have friends?" She asked. He couldn't tell whether she was being sarcastic or not.

"Yes… Would you like to see them?"
"They came all the way here. They might as well get what they want out of the deal." Sam sighed. Erik nodded and called the three in. Luke, Estelle and Bridget sat down next to Sam's bed.

"Hey, Sammy… Are ya doin'… Nah, scratch that. Dumb question." Luke said, looking sadly at the girl that he still loved. His heart broke seeing her like this.

"You all abandoned me." Sam said. Her voice wasn't angry. Just factual, like she was discussing a history paper or something. Luke shivered.

"I know… We don't deserve your forgiveness… But…"

"Yes?" Sam asked. Estelle sighed.
"We were scared. Saoirse scares us. I told you she was bad news, girl." Estelle said.

Sam looked at her, nodding.

"You did, didn't you? I wish I had listened."

"So… I-if it's not too hard, what happened to you? I saw you going out the door with Saoirse. Simon came to our school and asked me about you. I heard Saoirse laughing about doing something to you the next day. But other than that it must have been horrible, even by her standards, she didn't let much slip."

Luke grimaced at the look Sam gave him.

"I invited Saoirse out for tea and snacks at Pollock's. I figured there wasn't much she could do to me in a public place like a restaurant. I wanted to talk to her, maybe see if I could figure out how to settle things with her, whatever that meant. I was… Overly optimistic.

"You know, I've always tried to see the good in everyone. Logically, I know that not everybody is a good person. If they were, there wouldn't be evil in the world. But I thought that most people at least have the potential for good." Sam said, her voice breaking slightly before going back to the same cold, emotionless tone. She sighed, a tear sliding down her cheek.

"But what if I was wrong? What if there's not good in everyone? What if there's evil in everyone and some people are just better at hiding it, conforming to what society expects of them. I tried to see the good in Saoirse. I tried to be diplomatic with her. I invited her out for tea and cookies and talked to her for over an hour. She asked if I would walk her home. Apparently, her driver was off duty and she didn't feel comfortable walking alone in the city.

"So why not? Right? I walked her home, but I was waylaid by some thugs… I don't know exactly how, but they knocked me out, and when I woke up, I was in an alleyway, surrounded by thugs and Saoirse was there. They stripped me naked, sexually assaulted me and then dunked my head underwater until I passed out. I don't know exactly how long passed, but when I woke up, my clothes were soaked in cold, oily water and it was raining."

"They… They raped you?" Luke gasped, horrified at what he was hearing.

"No. They touched me everywhere. They were disgusting. They nearly drowned me and they beat me. I thought my knee was broken. I figured I was gonna end up like my father, unable to walk and in pain all the time. It was hurt, but it wasn't broken." Sam said with an overtone of bitterness.

"So… You… You cut yourself…" Bridget said, seeing the bandages still on her arms and wrists. Sam nodded.

"Yes. I was studying methods of suicide for over a month. I didn't know when or if I'd ever need it. But they said that cutting your wrists, if done right could end your life very quickly."

"D-done… Right?" Luke asked.

"Cutting vertically, Luke." Estelle said. "If you cut vertically along the vein, it causes more blood loss and avoids the stemming of blood flow that results when you cut horizontally. You see, even with a very sharp tool, if you cut horizontally, it causes skin to depress into the vein and stem blood flow. It could still potentially result in death, but the chances are much lower than if you just cut vertically."

Luke and Bridget looked at Estelle like she had a second head.

"I study weird things. Gimme a break. I've seen your internet server Luke. Your hobbies aren't any less weird." Luke smiled in agreement, nodding.

"Why are you telling us this, Sammy? I thought you would hate us for what we did to you." Luke said, taking Sam's hand in his.

"I did hate you for a while… But I understand why you were scared. I assume you told my dad what's been going on? The bullying and whatnot?" Sam asked.

"Yes. We didn't tell him why it happened, though. That's your story to tell, Sammy." Bridget said.

"Thank you… I'm not sure I'm ever going to tell him, though. I'll probably just get a boyfriend or something and try to move on with my life.

"Maybe I won't be happy, but at least I'll be safe. If trying to be happy is only going to make people hate me, maybe I should just be miserable like everyone else." Sam muttered. The three friends gasped.
"No! Sammy… You can't give up like that. There's nothing wrong with you." Luke said urgently, leaning in to talk to her.

"Listen, Sammy… Not everyone is like that. Not everyone will hate you for who you love. You haven't done anything wrong and whether you like men, or women, you're still the same incredible, beautiful woman I fell in love with." Luke said. Sam actually smiled at him.

"Someday, you'll find a woman who deserves you. Someday, you'll find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and loves you unconditionally. Until you do, please don't give up." Luke said gently, putting a hand gently on Sam's shoulder and pulling her in for a hug.

"Thank you, Luke… But I can't tell my parents. They'd never accept me. Simon was really great about it. I don't know if he fully understands what it means… But he never made fun of me for it.

"But I'm afraid that he's in the minority. So maybe I should just keep my abnormalities to myself." Sam said. "I love you guys… Even if you made a mistake, I know you still care about me."

"Sammy… Listen to me." Luke said, making her look him in the eye.

"This is coming from someone who's in love with you, so I may be a little biased, but you're perfect, just the way you are.

"You don't need to change anything about yourself and you don't need to hide who you are. I don't know if I'll ever see you again… I hope I will, but if not, I just want you to be happy. Wherever you go, whoever you fall in love with, they need to be right for you, and they need to love you for who you are." Sam nodded, her heart aching slightly. She was so tired, exhausted… But Luke really cared about her. He really wanted what was best for her… Even if that was never him.

"Thank you… I-I… I'm not ready to come out to my parents… And… I don't know what I'm going to do. Man or woman, I'm not sure I can ever love again… I don't think I'll ever be happy again. My life is ruined." Sam said, her dull, lifeless expression returning.

"Sammy… You've just gone through a really bad experience." Estelle said.

"My older brother attempted suicide, and he was pretty much the same as you afterwards… But our parents put him in therapy and… Well, he's hardly the life of the party anymore, but he's happy. He can smile and he can get through the day. He takes antidepressants and goes to therapy once a week still, but he's doing well." The dark skinned girl said. Sam sighed. It didn't seem like there was any end in sight to her pain, but her friends believed in her. That meant something at least.

"Listen, Sammy… You've just been through one of the worst experiences anyone can possibly face, girl." Bridget said. "It can only get better from here." Sam sighed. She wished she could believe that.

"I know you're trying to help me… But I'm just being crushed right now… Maybe it will get better. But I'm not really counting on it. Why do you think we won't be able to see each other again?" Sam asked.

"Well… You're moving… Didn't your parents tell you that?" Luke asked.

Sam shook her head.

"Oh… Sorry." Luke muttered, feeling bad that he had sprung that on her like that.

"No need to be sorry. It's not like I have anything left here. I've got three of the best friends in the world… Parents who hate me… A brother who probably hates me too… A former love interest who wants me dead… A school full of people who either ignore me completely or bully me mercilessly.

"Other than you three, what reason do I have to stay here? Wherever I'm going, it can't be worse than here." Sam shrugged.

"Won't you miss us, though?" Luke asked. Sam nodded.

"Of course I will. But how far away could I possibly be moving? I'm sure we'll see each other again someday… Hopefully when I'm in a little bit better condition than right now." Sam said, blushing slightly.

"We'll look forward to seeing you then." Luke said, taking a chance and kissing Sam on the cheek. She scowled slightly, but didn't say anything, just hugged her friends and said good bye as they got up to leave. As they walked out the door, a young woman with brown hair and brown eyes walked in and sat down next to Sam's bed, shutting the door behind her and setting up a noisemaker outside.

"Hello, Miss Sharp. My name is Doctor Smolak… But please, call me Olivia if you like."

"Why are you here?"

"I'm a social worker. Your parents asked me to meet with you."

"I don't really want to talk." Sam said softly. Olivia nodded.

"I understand. Maybe we could just get to know each other a bit? Do you prefer Sam, or Samantha? Or Sammy?" She asked.

"My friends and family call me Sammy. My teachers call me Samantha or Sharp. Sometimes my friends call me Sam. Honestly, I don't care what you call me."

"Alright, Sam then. I hear you play the violin?"
"Yes. I'm not really that good at it… I thought I was pretty good… But now… What does it even matter?" Sam asked. Olivia nodded.
"It matters to your family. They're worried about you."

"You're kidding, right? Dad's too busy being drunk and mom can't take the time to even notice me, much less spend time with us. I tried to talk to her months ago about something. I told her it was really important! You know what she said to me?"

"What?" Olivia asked.

"She told me she was already late for her evening job. She doesn't care about me." Sam growled.

"What were you going to tell her?"

"I can't tell you. My parents are the ones paying you. You have to tell them everything."

"Actually, legally I'm not allowed to tell them anything. I'm required to keep your confidence."

"So… You can't tell my parents anything about our meetings?" Sam asked suspiciously.

"Nope. Not a word. Everything we say here is between us." Olivia said.

"I-I'm a lesbian."

"Okay… Is that why you attempted suicide?" Olivia asked. Sam's eyes widened. Olivia didn't seem to react at all. She was sure that Olivia would be disgusted, that she would recommend that she go to one of those gay rehab camps.

"You're… Not grossed out?" Sam asked.

"Of course not. You're not the first gay or lesbian client I've had. Many of them feel the same feelings of conflict about their identities. There's nothing wrong with how you feel though. You're attracted to who you're attracted to. Nobody can change that, and nobody has the right to tell you it's not okay." Olivia said.

"So tell me… I understand you've been being bullied a lot. How long has this been going on?"

"About six months now." Sam said.

"Was there a reason the bullying started?" Olivia asked.

"I-I fell in love with a classmate of mine… She was so beautiful and smart and funny and charming… But… I confessed to her, and suddenly, the whole school had turned against me.

Most of the school just ignored me, but the girl I confessed to was a total monster. She had a bunch of people destroy my stuff and beat me up and… Just the other night… I-I tried to talk to her. I tried to make peace with her, and she seemed to respond well to it, but she asked me if I could walk her home since she wasn't comfortable walking alone in the city. I-I got knocked out and when I woke up, she and a bunch of guys all…"

"They raped you." Olivia said, feeling immense sympathy for Sam.

"No… I thought they were going to. They stripped me completely naked, th-they… They touched me everywhere… Then they drowned me in a filthy puddle. They left after I passed out. My knee was swollen like a melon, I think they broke a few ribs and my stomach has a really bad bruise on it from being stomped on. I can't go back. They'll kill me if I do."

"And you attempted suicide later that night." Olivia said.

"Yeah… I wish I had succeeded. I used to think that most people are good, that there were bad people in the world, but that they were the minority. But that's not true, is it? There are only a few people you can trust in the world. Most people will turn on you in a second if you do something they don't like. I did everything right. I took care of my little brother. I was loyal to my friends.

"But nobody cared about that. As soon as they found out I was gay, it was like I was a worthless piece of garbage. What point is there in living if everyone's out to get you anyway?"

"You don't have any friends?" Olivia asked.

"I have Luke, Estelle and Bridget… Simon used to be my friend… But I can't risk his life just because I need a friend. She threatened him. I can't take the risk that he'll get hurt because of me." Sam said.

"I see. How close are you with these friends?"

"Pretty close. I've been friends with most of them since elementary school." Sam said. "I never got to spend as much time with them as I wish I had. I often had to take care of Simon. My mom has a busy schedule with her jobs and Dad… Well, he can't really move very well since he hurt his knee shortly after Simon was born. He's in a lot of pain, so he's confined to the couch most of the time." Sam said.

"So you had to grow up very young. How do you think that affected you? Do you ever resent Simon? Do you ever feel like he took away your chance to be a child?"

"I… N-no…" Sam muttered, feeling tears stinging her eyes.

"You love Simon?"

"Of course! I've been more of a mother to him than our mother has!" Sam said angrily, her cold façade breaking.

"It's okay to be angry, Sam. It's not your fault this happened. It seems like you did the best you could with what you had… Your parents say that you and your little brother are exceptionally loyal to each other."

"All we have is each other! I… I can't be angry at him… I can't resent him… H-he's the only person in the world who would never betray me! He's th-the only person who truly loves me!" Sam sobbed, her anger dissolving in an ocean of despair and fear.

"You do resent him sometimes, don't you?" Olivia asked. Sam wailed at this.

"Yes! I-I hate myself so much for it every time! S-sometimes I just want to go out on the weekend and spend time with friends! I love Simon! H-he's the most important person in my life. But… I-I'm only thirteen! I'm not ready to be a mother! I'm not even ready to be a high schooler! I love Simon and I'm glad to babysit him sometimes, but I shouldn't have to be responsible for his whole life!" Sam exploded. Olivia nodded empathetically.

"That's a lot of pressure to put on someone so young. And you feel like you weren't ready for that kind of responsibility?"

"I-I want kids… Someday. Now of course, I'll never get to have them. I doubt anyone would let a sexual deviant be in charge of children." Sam laughed humorlessly.

"Sexual deviant? Who told you that?" Olivia asked.
"S-some of my bullies… Th-the word was used pretty liberally." Sam muttered.

"Well, that's just not true. Gay and lesbian couples often adopt children, or do in vitro fertilization using a donor. I do adoption studies as a second job, and many of my clients are same-sex couples. The only questions I need to ask are about whether or not they can be good parents.

"It used to be that gay and lesbian couples couldn't adopt. But things are catching up with the times. When you're ready to have children, whoever you end up with, I'm sure you can find a way to have them." Olivia said. She sighed.

"Well, we've had an excellent first meeting. I think we've gotten pretty well acquainted. How about we meet again on Friday?" Olivia asked. Sam nodded.

"Great. I'll see you then." She said, gathering her stuff and walking out, greeting Sam's parents quickly as she passed them in the waiting room.