AN: This picks up straight off from the last piece of Jackson's pov.
XX
Cristina's POV:
"Hey." Jackson replied, his voice sending jolts through me, making me want to kiss him, wishing he was standing beside me as I leant against the table. I wasn't turning into one of those girls that I loathed, I just wish that now I, now we could be together that we were actually together, but seemingly Mere had other plans for this evening.
"It's Jackson isn't it?" Alex asked across the pool table grinning over at me, I'm not sure how he guessed but I covered the mouth piece knowing what will come next. I have known Alex long enough to know he wouldn't stop there.
"I can tell from the sexual tension coming down the line, all that lust in three letters. Oh don't scowl at me like that, you're in l- Ouch! Why'd you hit me?" Alex continued, his smile growing as he looks down at the pool table, leaning over as he lines up his shot. Shockingly this time he actually gets two in. I hit him just as he looks up and he grins.
"One moment." I said to Jackson after I uncovered the mouth piece and then cover it again before leaning over the table to hit Alex again. Although this time he dodges, smart, he may be moody over the preemi but that didn't give him the right to be a pain in the ass.
"Oh you haven't said it yet!" Alex exclaimed, knowing full well I wouldn't have, he has known me long enough. I have never been the sort of woman, or person, to fall in love at the drop of hat. We've been friends for years, and sometimes we understand each other in ways that Mere simply can't, but not often.
"I don…" I started, I'm not in love with Jackson, but that didn't mean that I couldn't be. Owen and I may be over, I may have drawn a line in the sand, but part of me still loves him, and I like Jackson, a lot. But I don't love him, not yet anyway.
Not yet? What did that even mean. Burke had changed me, Owen had changed me, what would Jackson take from me? Was there anything left that hadn't been taken already? How many times would I have to piece myself back together again? Was there no end to this, why did I keep doing this to myself?
"Course you do." Alex answered, pulling me back out of my thoughts and into a bar full of stinking people, music blaring from a radio that looked as though it had been stabbed at some point, and no doubt an illegal poker game going on in the back.
"She does what?" Mere asked. She had been outside trying to get hold of Derek, and judging by the frustrated look on her face, he was still in surgery and now she smelt like smoke.
"She l- would you stop hitting me!" Alex begun, his eyes on Mere as he smiles grew so he doesn't see me move until it's too late.
"Cristina!" Mere exclaimed, obviously trying not to smile and failing miserably. She knows Alex is kidding, but after spending the last twenty minutes teasing her, she wasn't willing to pass up an opportunity to tease me, especially since it is distracting Alex quite nicely.
"I'm trying to have a conversation here!" I gestured towards the phone, one hand still covering the mouth piece, Jackson may have known the three of us for years but that didn't mean I wanted him to overhear this conversation. We were all a little bit drunk, and plus I had feelings for him now, which changed things. Especially since Mere and Alex were discussing my said feelings for him, and he didn't need to hear that.
"Yeah with your true love." Alex replied with a smirk, dodging my hand as he heads towards the bar to get another round of drinks, pleased to leave the conversation where it is. I scowl at his retreating back as Mere laughs as she raises a questioning eyebrow in my direction.
"Mere." I can't help but sound agitated. I am divorced, I can finally wrap my legs around Jackson's waist, and let my fingers skim his chest, as my tongue explores his mouth, all guilt free, knowing that I won't have to stop in the next few minutes, I won't have to stop at all.
"So you could love him?" Mere grinned, teasing me. I sigh and look towards the bar where Alex is waiting, talking to the brunette beside him who is obviously checking him out as she leans towards him and touches his arm.
"Can I just not have a minute to speak to him!" I muttered as Alex turns away for the bar, two bottles of beer in one hand and one bottle in the other, leaving a disappointed woman whose eyes narrow when she notices he is walking towards Mere.
"You do realise that isn't the mouth piece Cristina." Alex laughed as he passed me the bottle of beer. I can tell from his expression that he isn't joking, shit. Absolutely bloody typical. Oh well.
"Really?" I asked, hoping that he was joking, even though I knew he wasn't.
"Yeah, not the mouth piece." Jackson said, I can hear him smiling, and I can't believe he hasn't given himself away by laughing yet. I can hear the sound of pen on paper, he must be filling in a chart, and by the lack of yelling, beeping or talking, he is the residents lounge or in an on call room or something.
"I'm taking this outside." My face goes hot, I must be blushing, which is not what I do. I glare over at Mere who is in fits of laughter, and Alex is choking on his beer, no longer able to watch my expression.
"Bit late for that now." Mere grinned. They really were enjoying this, terrific. I was divorced, for the first time, but this was technically my second failed marriage. Turning away from the two of them, with my beer in hand, I push through the crowds of people as I successfully avoiding the vomiting frat boy and the far too intimate couple.
"How much did you hear?" I asked, as I pushed the bar door open and stepped out onto the pavement. Brilliant, I was going to smell like I had smoked a pack of cigarettes.
"A lot more than you intended I'm sure." Jackson replied. Continuing to walk away from the bar, I took a sip of my beer as I dropped onto the bus stop bench, which was thankfully smoke free.
"How was surgery? I heard they got a man in the ER with a..." I started. I actually wanted to know, but mainly I was just avoiding the topic. Just a few weeks ago, I was still in a silent fight with Owen. Burke and I had had silent fights, and I guess it was in many ways the same with Owen, we both believed we were in the right. Owen and I barely exchanged calm words since the abortion, most of it was yelling, or it was civil behaviour at work, and even then I could always see that look on his face, the contempt.
He wanted me to keep that baby, he couldn't believe I aborted it, and yet I still loved him even though he punished me with silence, he screamed at me in front of our friends, but then came the cheating. I don't love Jackson, not yet. A small part of me still loves Owen, I can't not, it has only been a little over a week since I decided we were over, for good. And I don't long for him now, I long for Jackson, and I am loving the sound of his voice coming down the phone as I trail off, submerged in my thoughts.
"Cristina." Jackson pulled me back to him, back to where I sat in the cold, slightly shivering on a bus bench while I tried to remember what I was talking about.
"Right. Well we're in Vancouver, Alex wanted to go to Portland but Mere had to pee, so we..." I started, feeling a smile on my lips as I remembered our car trip up, the music blaring, us all laughing, having fun like we haven't had in weeks, perhaps months, even maybe years. It was good to see Alex so relaxed, so alive.
"That's like two and a half hours away." Jackson spoke over me, thinking out loud. I couldn't help but let my smile widen as I noticed the disappointment in his tone, hopefully he was thinking what I was considering, that he drove up here after his shift.
"Yep. Mere wanted to celebrate my divorce but really I think it was to distract Alex." I replied. I hadn't operated in hours, nor had a studied, I should be doing one or the other, that was all I had done lately. And yet here I was in Vancouver, sitting on a bus stop bench outside some grungey street bar, fantasying about kissing the man I'm talking to on the phone, while my Boards are just over 24 hours away.
"What are you even doing?" Jackson asked. I was certainly fantasying about doing more than kissing him, but right now he was two and a half hours away, now that I was finally divorced, free to have sex with whoever I want, Jackson is hours away and still at the hospital, working like I should be.
"Getting drunk, which we could do at Joe's and spare the traffic, but apparently it's better to be miles away, even though we're leaving to sit our boards tomorrow morning, so we'll have to leave here early." I answered. I think Mere wanted to get away for some other reason that distracting Alex and celebrating my divorce, she's nervous I can tell, nervous about a lot of things, not just about Boards, but whats happening after Boards. She needs time away from the hospital to decide where to go, she doesn't want to leave I know her, but she needs to.
"Ok.." Jackson started uneasily, it's impossible to tell what he's thinking whilst I'm drinking and trying to figure out why Mere wanted to come all the way out here.
"Currently I'm kicking Karev's ass at pool, and then we'll probably head somewhere else, you should come." I cut him off, not knowing what he was going to stay and part of me didn't want him to continue, simply because I would find myself taking Mere's keys and driving myself back to Seattle and that was not what the aim of tonight was, for Mere at least.
"To Vancouver?" Jackson asked, almost as if he was unsure what I was asking. I couldn't leave Mere and Alex but if Jackson arrived here then I would have to have some hotel sex with him, I couldn't possibly not. Even just hearing his voice, it had been hard since that night, but now it was worse, since I knew that I could, I was free, I could have him inside me without feeling guilty, his fingertips could skim my skin and my back could arch...
"Cristina?" Jackson interrupted my thoughts and a uncurl my fingers as I remember where I am. A man is approaching me, probably since he actually needs to catch a bus, or maybe he just wants to sit like me.
"Why not? I'll be stupid drunk by the time you'd get here anyway. Plus I'm divorced so we can finally... Sorry sir I don't have a lighter, nor do I want a cigarette." I try not to glare at the man, but my tone does it for me, he nods and backs away, and I can practically hear Jackson grinning down the line.
"Where are you staying?" Jackson asked, as the man sits down at least 20 steps away from me, still without a lighter, but he seems content on simply holding the cigarette in his hand and staring down wistfully at it, as though wanting it to light will do the trick.
"So you're coming?" I can feel the sides of my lips tugging themselves up, I can't help but smile, but I need him to say it. Although what I really need is not his words, but his lips, I need him here, and if he drives fast enough and gets to leave work he can be here in a few hours, and I won't have to imagine what he feels like inside of me, I'll know.
"How can I resist." Jackson replied, forcing my smile into a grin.
"Good, I'll text you the details.." I answered, slowly thinking of what words to say before I stop. Looking back to the bar I see Alex standing outside, I can't make out what he's saying but I know he is yelling at me, telling me to hang up the damn phone and get my ass inside.
"I have to go now, Alex is yelling at me, but I'll see you later, maybe some time after 10?" I added, as I glared at Alex who even from this distance I can tell he is smirking at me. The way he sees it of course if he has to be here, then I have to be here. He isn't allowed to check his damn phone because he keeps calling Arizona requesting updates, so in his mind I shouldn't be able to talk to Jackson, even though I ache for him.
"I'll hold you to that." Jackson replied, as I took another sip of me beer, wishing he was already half way here, and feeling annoyed at myself for wishing that.
"You get my drunk enough I may dance." I answered, standing up with my beer bottle in my hand as I took two steps forward, heading back inside, towards Alex and Mere.
"I know."
"What?" I stop walking, he knows? How does he know? Sure I was pretty drunk that night but I think I would have remembered him being there, any of them being there it was just the attendings, a few nurses and a few residents, shit. He may have been.
"Your little bartending stint is hard to forget." Jackson laughed, my beer in my hand I raised it to my lips and took a long sip. Damn, I could have sworn he hadn't been there, but then again it was years ago.
"You saw that?" I asked, trying to remember that night, all I remember are those horrible drinks I made, and the dancing, and Derek watching me from his table ensuring I didn't do anything I would regret.
"Yeah, it's on youtube." Jackson was properly laughing now, my beer bottle was empty and I was standing in the cold wondering who on earth would have put that on youtube, what assholes.
"What?" I shouted.
"Don't you need to get going?" Jackson laughed again, he knew I couldn't leave now, not now I knew I was on youtube, drinking and dancing and bartending.
"Why is it on youtube?" I asked, pointedly ignoring his question as I walked towards the bar entrance. Alex would no doubt be back out in a few seconds, probably needing me to flatten his ego by beating him at pool, again.
"One of the residents filmed it." Those bitches.
"Why?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"Think you pissed him off." Jackson answered. I could hear him grinning as he laughed, and I couldn't help but smile too.
"Sounds like something I would do." I replied, as the bar door opened again and Alex's head popped out. "Yes, alright, I'm coming! I have to go." I added as Alex grinned at me before leaning against the bar door, keeping it open for me.
"Bye." Jackson replied, maybe it was just me, but maybe he sounded disappointed, although in a few hours he would be anything but disappointed, that was for sure.
"Yeah, lo..vely weather here, you'll lov.. enjoy it immensely. See ya." I stammered through, breathing a deep sigh of relief when I hung up and he could no longer here my voice, or me making a complete fool of myself. I didn't love him, I truly didn't, it was just habit, something I would say to Owen sometimes, and now, now I almost told Jackson I loved him. Shit.
...
"I'll have another drink. See you in the morning." I replied, smiling goodnight at Mere before I waved to the cute bartender and nodded to the empty shot glass in front of me.
I watch Mere walk away, she looks so happy. Sure she is nervous about Boards but aren't we all. She took me out to celebrate, an hour and a half car ride from home, in an effort to keep Jackson and I apart, or maybe it as just to spend a night the three of us, we haven't had a night off together in ages. Although it wasn't like it used to be, this time Alex left halfway through dinner, after a phone call and he paid for us all before leaving, that had never happened before.
"Thanks." I said to the bartender as I downed another shot of tequila. He raised his eyebrow and I shake my head, I don't want to be intoxicated for this. Checking my phone I open my inbox and check the time stamp on Jackson's last text, he would be here in just under half an hour.
"Can I…" A voice asked from behind me.
"No." I replied, turning around to glare at them. Sure I look hot in this dress but I am not in the mood to be hit on, well not by that guy anyway. He shrugs and walks back his friends, who laugh at his failure.
Standing up I paid the bartender and then head off towards the lifts, I was two floors above Mere as she only paid for the rooms this morning, but that was perfect. If she was in the room next to me then I would have to be cautious, but I highly doubt she would hear us from two floors down, probably.
My divorce was final, and I had waited long enough. This waiting was insane, and maybe just maybe the waiting was what kept us going. As the lift doors opened in front of me revealing an empty lift I couldn't help but think that the waiting was one of the reasons that were we still so fixated on each other. Stepping inside I took a deep breath, needing to calm myself. With my brain swimming in answers so many answers for the boards the day after tomorrow, none of them happened to be the answers I want nor are the answers I need right now.
Jackson and I's relationship had progressed so much but also so little since that night, and as the lift takes me up, slowly ascending, I focus on his body next to mine, his eyes looking into mine, his lips against mine. He couldn't fake the way he looked at me, I couldn't fake the way my whole body longed for him when he wasn't pushed up against it, this couldn't be all about sex.
Owen slept with a woman and he didn't even remember her name, he couldn't remember her name. Sleeping with her was the final straw, but what made it even worse was that he couldn't remember the name of the woman he screwed, he didn't love her, he just screwed her. She was important enough to end our marriage and yet, he couldn't manage to retain her name. Part of me wanted to stay, I didn't want to leave, I couldn't leave but I did, and because I did I was standing in this lift as the doors open in front of me.
The plush carpet is against the sole of my shoes and I desperately want to remove my heels, I want to walk along with my feet sinking in, but my room isn't far now. As my eyes scan the pictures that line the walls, focussing on the small stains in the wallpaper, my mind strains to Jackson, how his hot skin will feel against mine, how my back with arch and how his hands will skim my body. Pulling my door key out of my handbag, I swipe it quickly and push my door open, leaning against it from the inside, pushing it shut as I slide towards the floor.
Locking it as I descend, I ignore the thoughts in my head and look out the window, up at the night sky, the stars unseen, their glow stolen by the city lights. As much as I try I can't push Owen out of my head, and as my eyes scan the room the fall on the mirror, the clock, the towels on the end of the bed, and I am taken back there. I am taken back to the feeling of suffocation, as I entered our home, the home where we had such good memories, good memories that were tainted and outweighed by the bad. This time Jackson is waiting on the other side of the door to give me comfort, he is still in the car, driving here to meet me.
Jackson.
I focus on that word, filling my body up with pleasure. Usually it would be the thought of surgery, but like I have been told time and time again, a scalpel won't keep you warm at night, it won't give you comfort when you lack hope and when the walls are closing in around you surgery won't do much to help. But Jackson will. Glancing down at my watch I smile, less than twenty minutes now.
Twenty minutes is all I have to wait. All of the waiting will be over, I won't have to imagine it any more. I am divorced, I won't be unfaithful like my ex-husband, I won't be cheating on him on our sham of a marriage. I am free to screw whoever I want, and I will start with the best, and hopefully stay with him for far longer than I managed to stay with Burke or Owen. Hopefully Jackson and I won't end that way, and I won't be cut out of another wedding dress or find the walls closing in.
Blinking, I refocus my eyes on the room. Beside me lay my shoes, I must have taken them off absentmindedly whilst I was absorbed in my thoughts. Pushing myself up I walk towards the mirror and give myself a weak smile, and then I think of Jackson and my smile grows, I can't help myself.
...
Twenty minutes later I hear a soft knock on the door, as I lie on the bed surrounding by notes. I didn't want to shower, we could do that together, so I thought it would be best if I would use the time studying, Boards were so close now, and I couldn't be distracted. Not 100% anyway.
"One second." I called as I sat up and pulled my notes together, somehow I managed to spread them all over the bed in the last quarter of an hour. Dropping them in my suitcase I pass the mirror and smile nervously at my reflection, raising my hands for a second before dropping them and then raising them again, undecided between leaving my hair down and tying it up.
Stop it. I tell myself as I shake my head and look away from the mirror, step by step I approach the door, letting my feet sink deep into the carpet before I lift them again. I feel as if I am moving too slowly towards the door, simply because I want to run, and yank it open, but I calmly walk towards the door trying to remain Cristina Yang and not become someone else.
My hand hovers over the metal handle, it feels weird now, I am divorced. We have no limitations except for the ones we set ourselves, will this change what we have, what we are together. It's hard to imagine that anything would change between us but then again, I never imagined my marriage would end the way it did.
"Hey." I breathed as I pulled the door open and saw Jackson awkwardly loitering in the hallway, looking just as nervous as I feel. He raises his eyes from the floor as he turns to face me, his back straightening as he does so, he looks so tall in the hallway besides the pictures and the paintings.
XX
AN: Please review, I love to know what you think. The waiting is almost over, for them and for you...