Somethings Are Lost, Others Are Merely Forgotten

by bexaday

Something isn't right with Shepard, and Miranda knows it, but she wants to find out so maybe then she can stop the conflict between them, but Shepard isn't the most willing paitent, infact she hates Miranda because of what she has done. But was it Miranda's fault? And will sparks fly between the two or will it be a fatal end? FemShepxMiri may change to M rated for later chapters.

12. Deviation from the Default

Chapter 12

Deviation from the Default

A/N: Hey guys, here is the next update for you and I hope you enjoy it. Thanks you all of you for your guesses and input it was lovely to get that. Special thanks to my new reader to masterdude94 and lancer365 for just being lovely in general.

I would just like to stress, that I do not expect everyone who clicks on this story to enjoy them but if you do have a problem with me and my story, please PM and don't review this story with negative criticisms, just because you don't enjoy it, doesn't mean that others don't.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything of Mass Effect

Miranda's POV

I haven't had a chance to ask Shepard about Ashley since I finished the operation.

It's been over a week,

She has been out collecting the crew from the dossiers that the Illusive Man gave her, and we have had no problems, not like with Tali and they are all going ahead to plan. I sigh as I lean back from my desk.

It is like nothing is wrong with her but I know she still grieves after Ashley, I have seen her when I look through the cameras in her quarters. I know I shouldn't spy on her but, she has shut me out. Almost entirely and I… I feel this hole inside of me that I haven't felt before, apart from Orianna but still I shouldn't feel like this and I definitely shouldn't be spying on her through a god damn camera! I sigh in frustration as I run my hand through my hair. I need to speak with her, not just for my benefit, but so the Illusive Man stops prodding aboard this ship. It's almost as if I can feel his presence trying to force me to go and speak with her but how do I speak to someone I barely know about such an intimate thing?

"Get it together Lawson" I mutter to myself, I need to do it now. But now that Garrus, Mordin, Jack, my taste in my mouth sours over the thought of her. She was more trouble to get than she is worse, fucking crazy biotic bitch with a personal vendetta against me. I grit my teeth, why did Shepard have to recruit her. I stand up and I push away my chair as I turn around and look out through the window.

"EDI, can you tell me where the Commander is?" I say in a tired voice, and I watch the blue holo appear and my stomach turns as I think about what I am going to say to Shepard. How the hell is she going to react? For someone I studied for two years, learnt her inside out and watch every single interview that is available to me and still… I have no idea what to expect. My brow creases with the increasing frustration over my inner turmoil. I shouldn't be worrying like this, it is completely irrational and I should be more professional than this, whatever this is.

"The Commander is currently residing in her quarters" I sigh, I have to ask her this, the Illusive Man is breathing down my neck and I have to talk about her about a subject she has constantly avoided since the day she woke up. My stomach twists into knots as I walk out of my quarters, grabbing the datapad on the side, carrying the questions that could send Shepard into an emotional downwards spiral which means the Illusive Man will think that she isn't strong enough for this mission and then terminate this mission but if she refuses to answer then the Illusive Man will have me taken off this ship and replace me with some other OX that knows nothing about this crew or Shepard. I cannot let that happen.

I take a deep breath as the datapad feels heavy in my hand as I try to ease the growing apprehension in me, I know something bad is going to happen, whether it is good or bad, I don't know. I enter the elevator and it takes all my willpower to press the button to her quarters, I have made my decision and now I am going to have to stick to it. I look up into the camera in the elevator, the Illusive Man will be watching, I just know it, I can feel his eyes on me and I know I cannot fail this. No matter whether it makes the Commander hates me or not. My hand tightens around the datapad as I swallow. I don't want the Commander to hate me; I just hope she understands that I have no choice.

The elevator opens and I take my first step out and I exhale slowly as I try to calm my frantic nerves, get a hold of yourself Lawson! She is just a woman,

But she is the woman you love, even if you cannot admit it

I shake my head as I try to clear all thoughts, I need to focus on this and no matter what state the Commander is in I have to do this, otherwise I will be off the ship and far away from the Commander and she needs me here.

I you sure it isn't you who needs her?

I grit my teeth as I watch the door lock go from red to green and the door opens and I take my first hesitant step into her quarters, it is brightly lit and it only has some personal touches from Shepard and I look around at her desk and I can see a load of ripped off Cerberus logo and I can feel a sad smile on my lips, it seems me and Shepard are just too different. I take a few more steps into her quarters and I can hear her by the armour locker and I walk towards the noise and the tightening grows in my chest. This is the first time we have talked since before the operation. I then see her hunched over her armour on a workbench and she is dismembering a part of it, I roll my eyes. She never did let Jacob clean and update her armour.

"Commander?" I say and even to me it comes out slightly weak and I clear my throat as I try to ignore the heat streaming to my cheeks as she doesn't hear,

"Commander?" I say again and it comes out clear and strong and she spins round to face me and her face has smudges of oil and dirt on it and her dark brown hair is all over the place and my heart seizes at her appearance, her hazel eyes are wide with surprise as they burn into my eyes and I can feel heat rushing into my cheeks and I clear my throat as I stamp down on my emotions and force them back. I have a job to do and I intend to do it without any difficulties. Shepard spins around in her chair and she is wearing a tank top and I can see the slight sheen of sweat glistening on her skin and I have to force my eyes away from her toned arms and onto her face.

"Ms Lawson! What a surprise, how can I help you?" She says and a smile breaks onto her face and my God, she is beautiful.

I was right, she is completely different to the Shepard I ever knew to some degree, the datapad feels heavy in my hand as I give her a tight smile in return as I try to stand up straight, I need to be professional and not let my feeling overrule what I came here to do.

"Commander, I am sure you are aware that I have to make sure you are stable in all forms," I start carefully and she sits back down on her chair as I sit on the corner of her bed as the knots grow tighter inside of my stomach. I have to words this carefully, I don't want Shepard walking out and not finishing answering these questions, her eyes pierce into mine with an attentiveness I haven't experienced before and it is… unsettling, my heart flutters as her gaze holds me like no other and the hazel orbs trace over me, she nods. "well I have to ask you some difficult questions Shepard and you aren't going to like them all, and they are personal so please, make it as quick as possible and-" Shepard raises her hand in a halting gesture and I can see the light in her eyes dying out slightly as the grow darker and her face looks older,

"No, I won't answer any questions about her, I never have and I never will, it's too painful" she says in a tired voice and my heart twists as a part of me wants to comfort her but I know I have to ask these questions, I sigh as I look round at the door and I can see the lock on it and I know neither of us placed it on the door so EDI must be under the orders of the Illusive Man.

Then it dawns on me, he wants to see how Shepard takes it when there is nowhere to run. How cruel can one man be? And if he is this cruel, what does that say about the way he runs Cerberus? I grit my teeth as I look back up to Shepard's darkening orbs before looking down at the datapad,

"Shepard, tell me about the last time you saw Ashley" I say in a soft tone and I can see her eyes growing even darker as I can practically see her soul breaking under the weight of that question. I can feel the air become electrified with biotics as the hairs raise up on the back of my neck, when I rebuilt Shepard they never told me that she was such a strong biotic as I can hear the hull creak slightly as her power begins to draw in all the metal objects and I can see the tools behind her starting to shake and I gulp. I can feel her power, I didn't even think it was possible to feel power but hers is surrounding me. My stomach twists as my emotions begin to rise, I am not afraid but I want to comfort her and I want to assure her that it is going to be okay but I know and so does she that it won't be. I dare to look into her eye and they are dark and I can see her soul ready to snap with sadness and anger, I open my mouth to apologise.

"Is that all you came here for?! To do what the Illusive Man wants you to do?" she says in a stern voice and my mask breaks and I cannot help but reach a hand out to her, to comfort her, to do anything to ease her pain when she jerks back and a snarl etches its way onto her face and I cannot help but feel hurt at her reaction and I take my hand away from her and place it in my lap.

"It isn't like that Commander, I want to make sure that your oka-" I start when she stands up and before I know it she is up close in my space and all I can see is the rapidly darkening orbs of her iris', I gulp in shock,

"The Illusive Man sent you so don't bullshit me, you and him are trying to get into my head and trying to find out what makes me tick but I won't your Cerberus and you, you, should know better than that Miranda" she says and I can feel my defences rising but I know that if I fight back I will never get those answers.

Shepard's POV

Anger pumps hard in my veins as all I can here is the words of the Illusive Man pouring out of her mouth, and they always want the same thing and I will never give it, not if I can help it. They are trying to get into my head and I know that it isn't Miranda fault, hell I could tell my her face the second that she came in here that she didn't want to do it but she still carries out what he asks of her and he must have something over her for her to have this kind of allegiance, maybe if I can I get rid of it and then I can finally get to know her but this, this is too much.

I can feel my heart tearing itself into pieces as she just sits there and I can see in her bright blue eyes the sadness and pity, but I don't want anyone's pity. It was my fault, and no one else's and I know there is nothing I or anyone else can do to bring her back to me. My insides tremble at the thought but I need to stay strong, the anger pours out of me and I can feel Miranda sit back further as I don't back away from her, her eyes are wide and I know I have overstepped but I will never talk about her, it is too far and much to raw.

She meant everything to me and I lost her.

Why can't people understand that? Why can they not understand that I do not want to talk about her? What do they want from me?! I can feel my arms trembling as they rest either side of Miranda and I pull away as the air I am breathing in doesn't feel like enough and I pull away from her and I lean back on my workbench as I put all my weight on my arms and I take in deep breaths as I face away from her, nothing ever seems to be good enough for the Illusive Man. Nothing and I have proven myself time and time over again, but still I have a debt to fill to him. Disgust boils in my mouth and I can feel my biotic power increasing as the workbench shudders under my hands slightly. He has that over me and there is nothing I can do until I pay it back or I kill him, hopelessness begins to fill me as I know I will never find him, not when he controls everything on this vessel and he is watching and monitoring my every move through Miranda. My hand clenches on the table as I hear Miranda sit back up on the bed.

"Commander… Shepard, I…" I hear her take a deep breath and I don't turn around as I try to get a grip on my biotics as I try to breathe in and out my anger but it is just building within me "I have to do this, whether it is sensitive on or not about Ashley, you need to answer them otherwise-"A bubble of bitter laughter erupts from my throat at her words, what more can they take away from me? They took away my death, the only way I could be at peace with Ashley at my side. They brought me back against my will and I am supposed to be happy about that? I am tired of fighting, I am tired of everything but even in death I am not allowed to rest. My hand clenches and relaxes on the table as my heart convulses around the opened wound left behind by Ashley, I sigh as the anger starts to dissolve into sadness,

"What do you want from me? A confession? To break down and tell you no matter what I don't think I am ever going to be able to get over watching her die and never being able to do a god damn thing about it? Or do you want me to tell you how empty I feel with her gone? Or do you want me to tell you at how confused I am about what the fuck is going on with me or why whenever I look at you I feel so guilty for feeling something?" I say my eyes widen at the last bit and I freeze mid breath, I didn't mean to say that, my stomach knots and I knit my brows together, where did that come from? I don't even… but I must do, otherwise I wouldn't have said it.

I turn around and Miranda is still lying back on my bed and my stomach and heart flutters slightly and I slowly raise my gaze to her face and I take in all her features, her hair is perfect as always as a few strands fall onto her face and her flushed cheeks are a stark contrast to the pale beauty of her skin. Then our eyes meet and without meaning to my breath hitches in my throat. There is no denying her beauty but I barely know her and I don't want to, then guilt cramps my heart and I pull my eyes away as I lean back on the workbench and I can feel a blush working its way to my cheeks.

"I don't know where that came from… but I cannot move on, it still feels like yesterday I was with her and now" I say as I hold my hands up at the beginning before letting them drop uselessly by my sides, which is exactly how I feel, useless. I have so many things to do and how can I do that, how can I lead and be broken inside? I look back at Miranda again and she is now sat on the corner of my bed and her eye pierce mine as they burn even brighter and I can feel my effect of my biotics fading under her gaze, I look away as my stomach twists and relaxes at the same time. Miranda just seems to make me feel this…thing I haven't felt in so long, maybe it's because she helps me to remember that I am human and she is the only one who hasn't given up on me yet. Despite everything, she hasn't gone yet.

"Shepard, you shouldn't feel guilty for moving on… you are allowed to move on and I am sure she would want you to move on, you both knew the risks of your mission" Anger is like a comet crashing through me but somehow I manage to stop myself from launching at her, she has no idea what I am feeling and she shouldn't presume that's how I feel, I can feel my body start to shake with the emotions running high through me. I want to scream, shout and fight until there is nothing left within me until I am empty. I can feel the tears building fast and I know I have to answer the questions; I have to give myself completely to stop the Illusive Man from bothering me. I take a shaky sigh and I look at the ground and I grit my teeth as I will myself not to cry in front of her.

"You want to know about Ashley? The last thing I saw was her on Virmire, as she tried to run back away from the bomb towards the ship, and I tried to tell Joker to wait but there was no chance she was going to make it, we were outnumbered and she was on her own. I watched until Joker pulled the Normandy away and I literally took my eyes off the monitor for two seconds and she was gone, the feed was dead and all I could see was the mushroom cloud from the explosion," I say and it all comes out in a rush "I watched her die, and the last thing I ever said to her was that I loved her because… because I knew I wouldn't see her again and that I knew I would never get to say it again" I say and my voice trembles at the end and a tear fall down my face, hot as the guilt burning within my soul. My throat feels dry as sandpaper and my body shakes under the pain of my heart tearing to pieces over and over again as I can still see it happening over and over again.

(On Virmire)

"Come on Ash! Keep running! I am not going to leave you behind!" I shout through the comms link as I watch her run as fast as possible towards the ship and my heart is beating fast and it is in my throat. I need to make sure she is safe, I won't leave her behind.

"Commander, the bomb is about to go, we have to go now" Joker shouts next to me and I turn to him slightly but my eyes never leaving the monitor,

"No! We are waiting for her! We are not leaving her behind!" I shout frantically my nails dig into my scalp drawing blood as I watch her get closer and closer but I know it isn't close enough, I can hear the countdown in my ear,

"Aimee, I am not going to make it, go" Ashley says breathily but she doesn't stop running as bullets keep flying all around her and she takes cover behind a crate, my nails dig in harder. No I can't leave her,

"Ash, you have to keep going, please" I say and it comes out in something close to a sob as my legs wobble slightly under the reality of the situation.

"You gave me back my family pride and you and I, hell I wish we had longer together Aimee, but what time we did have was amazing, just make sure we win okay Aimee?" I can hear the tightening in her voice before I hear her sob and a tear runs down my cheek, and I choke back a sob as my heart begins to break.

"Your damn Williams pride, I should have known better than to fall for a Williams," I say with a laugh and I hear her laugh through the comms link and I can hear the tears in her voice and my heart tries to capture her laugh because this is going to be the last time I hear her laugh. "I will try for you babe, I love you Ash" I choke out and I see her hand go to her visor and she wipes her eyes and I can see more indoctrinated Geth getting closer and my stomach cramps,

"That's all I could ask for; just tell my sisters what happened alright? They need to know. I…I love you too Aimee" Ashley says and before I can reply the ship goes bolting forward and I get knocked back and my eyes roll as we pull far out of Virmire orbit. As we slow down I manage to stand up,

"What the Fuck Joker?!" I say, not taking notice of his response, because I don't care, all that matters is if Ashley is okay as I rush back to the monitor and it is static. No, no this isn't… it cannot be, I cannot have lost her, I cannot seem to get enough air as I look back at the planet and all I can see is the mushroom cloud left behind from the bomb and it feels like space is swallowing me up.

Ashley is gone.

(Back to real time)

Shepard's POV

I try to blink back the tears but it doesn't help as they pour down my face, I could have saved her if that lift hadn't been disabled and Kaiden knew how to fix it, he could of and he should have and maybe Ashley would still be alive. Miranda's hand on my wrist makes me look up at her and her face is set in a grim line and her eyes scream the sadness which mirrors my own,

"Oh Shepard" she says and a sob leaves my chest and I can see her toss down the datapad and she pulls me in for a hug and manage to hold back the sobs only for a matter of seconds as I register that she is hugging me before my arms weave around her and the sobs come crashing down and I cannot stop the sobs which rack through me, I lost Ashley and somehow I managed to save millions of lives, I can never safe the ones I care about and the ones that hold me together. Miranda's hold tightens on me and I feel strange, here I feel safe and secure, I rest my head on her shoulder as more tears roll down my face. Her hand runs up and down my back in a soft gentle motion like no other I have ever felt and for the first time from anyone I felt like it's okay to cry and not be this immovable Commander Shepard of the Normandy as I just pour every inch of sadness out as we just stand there as she just holds me and says nothing as I cry into her arms.

A/N: Aww there is a cute moment for you guys, they were due a nice moment amongst all that arguing though. I did cut out all the recruitment missions because I don't think they are all that important so sorry to anyone who wanted them but let me know what you thought and thanks for reading and please review - Bexaday